To feel like I have ruined my children's lives

[LessTeaMoreGin]

18 months ago I increased my hours at work (a GP) and we moved in to our dream house: a 4 bed detached house with large garden and near to school (kids 10, 8, 5). Then just over 12 months ago my life imploded. I was burnt out with work and it led to a long time off work, a suicide attempt and a long mental health admission. I am now on two antidepressants, an antipsychotic and lithium. Have never had any mental health problems before. I have recently returned to work doing something different (cannot imagine being well enough to work) but earn between a third and a quarter of what I earned before, although this should soon be topped up by an income protection policy. We are on a fixed rate mortgage until September 2025 and can afford the payments at the moment but if interest rates change we may not be able to. DH is stressing about this and wants us to move. I see the logic but I feel so shit for uprooting my kids after a pretty shitty 12 months. We would probably have to move to a 3 bed (and our daughters share) or a 4 bed in not so great a location. AIBU for being really really pissed off with myself?

You can afford it now so I would say you need to think about this after Xmas 2025 at which point things could change. Dont out the pressure on yourselves deciding now and by then things could have changed with interest rates. However if you have to move they will cope. They would rather have their Muk than a house or a bedroom.

OP - I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard time. I’m sure your DH is just trying to control the controllable and find his own way through this difficult time, but it might be worth pointing out that as the world currently is there are very few guarantees about what will be happening next month much less two and a half years from now. You have a safe place and are able to manage things financially the moment - give yourselves a breather and agree to revisit this question next Easter, but without any pressure to come to a decision until summer 2024 if you don’t feel ready.

Has your DH had any counselling? Does he also have quite a high expectations type career?

He needs to give you some time in which something major isn’t happening in your lives so you can all recuperate, especially you. Buying and selling houses is one of the most stressful things you can do - it doesn’t sound as though this is the moment to put yourselves through it all over again.

As I say, I’m sure he is frightened and it sounds as though that’s where this is coming from. Maybe try and come to an agreement on the lines of the above and but focus the conversation more on the impetus for his desire to move than the action itself.

Your children will NOT care where you live as long as you are well, so if moving becomes a necessity then so be it - that’s not something to feel guilty about. They just want you, that’s all.

But I think you and your family need to take some time to be kind to yourselves and reduce external stressors not increase them. A lot has already happened in a very short space of time. Please take care of yourself - it’s ok for you and your DH to just stop for a minute.

“Control the uncontrollable” that should have said 🤦🏻‍♀️

Actually works either way!

All kids want is a happy(ish) and emotionally and mentally present mum.

Financially, please don't stress yourself out if there is no reason yet. Interest rates may be down then, your loan to value ratio better, and you could always take the decision with your children together. There is no need to waste precious mental energy now on a scenario that may not come to pass in the first place. I hope you feel better soon, OP.

You have a couple of years until you will need to make any decision on moving. Wait and give it time to see what the market is like then. I can't imagine your husband pushing for this now is helping your mental health. Ask him to back off and reconvene in a year or two to decide.

I am sorry that you have gone through this. I was in a good job in television and had just jumped up a level when I had a break down. Lots of other sources of stress in my life and I could not juggle all balls. I could not work for a year.

I also couldn't return as my daughter has asd and her anxiety meant she could not cope with childcare other than my mum who by that time could no longer look after her.

Initially realising my dreams of moving from a flat to a house was a bitter pill to swallow. However my daughter's well being came first.

Several years on I gave up my teachers assistant job as my mum has Alzheimers and moved in with me and my daughter. I am using the little time I have to focus on my creative talents and am hoping I will continue on this path.

Yes, I would have loved a little house with a garden but actually my daughter has benefitted so much from having me around, even though we can't afford holidays. She would choose having her mum about rather than luxuries.

I wish you all the best. Xxx

Yabu to be angry with yourself. When your patients told you their stories did you blame them ? I bet you didn't.

Your kids want you healthy more than fancy houses. 💐

Regarding selling, Round here in the SE houses are not selling anywhere near as quick. I can understand you DH wanting to make a decision. Now rather than running out of time next year.

It's hardly a dream house causing all that anxiety etc in the family.i would say bad choices have been made bit we all make them occasionally and I can totally see the point of moving to somewhere cheaper as its not just about you but the stress upon your partner,relationship,family etc. Decide what's more important the dream house that isn't so dreamy or family

Give it time. You have two and a half years to see what happens. Interest rates could come down, you could recover enough to return to GP work or move to a different better paid career, your partner may have a wage increase, a kind chap down the pub might pop his clogs and leave you his life earnings. You have no idea what will happen. Two years doesn’t sound like a long time but it absolutely is!

I had a sudden mental health crisis requiring sectioning, treatment, was very unwell. I thought that was nearly a decade ago - feels like it! But actually yesterday I was checking on the anniversary of my business I set up same year and it was only 4 years ago!

My recovery took about a year. I have gone from strength to strength after and after all that there’s not much which can rattle me nowadays. I have greater understanding of burnout (and still push the limit tbh) but also have built a better support network and better strategies for MH maintenance which I religiously follow. And most importantly can identify red flags and know when I need to pull back temporarily.

I have no doubt you will get better. Your life might not be the same as before but it doesn’t have to be for the worse. My life turned out immeasurably better. I couldn’t have imagined I would be here 5 years ago, and no idea what I will achieve in 5 if we keep this trajectory. If I look to my life pre illness I know exactly where I would be now, and exactly where I would be in 20 years.

Take this as an opportunity to reshape from the ground up with nothing to lose. And if the culmination of that is that you move home so be it. But see it as a positive option with new opportunities rather than an inevitable ‘downfall’ or failure.

My illness was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. It can be for you too if you want it to be.

Goodluck 🥰

OP, sorry you are going through mental health problems. Your children are little. They need their mummy!
Would keeping the 4 bed house make you feel better? Have you explored these options?

1. Do you have savings you can dip into to top up your mortgage payments when the fixed rate ends? That can buy you some time.
2. Speak to the bank nearer the end of the fix and see if you can switch to interest only option for a couple of years?
3. 2025 is TWO years away. Can you put this worry on the shelf and focus on yourself ?
4. Do things everyday to make you happy. Make the home smell nice (essential oils), grow plants from seed, hug the kids more often, do 5 min breathing exercises in fresh air. Keep a log of how your day was. For bad days, analyse what made it bad and try to avoid that. All this and meds - You should feel better very soon.

Hun, remember you are amazing ! You are a doctor, thank you for your services to the NHS. Hope you feel better soon 💐

Nobody would want or choose to go through what you have been through, you need to give yourself a break! I agree with putting off any big decisions as long as possible. Your DH really needs to stop stressing you out with his worries, you have enough on your plate right now. You can start worrying about this in 2025, it's not for now and he needs to concentrate on making sure you are well not worrying about something that's not going to happen for a couple of years or more.

You need time. Moving house is expensive and stressful. Give you and your family 2 years and then re-work the numbers.

Think about how much your life has changed in the past 2 years, it will change again in the next 2.

Take care of yourself.

There is a good cbt technique for this. “I will worry about this issue on 1 June 2024”. Make a calendar reminder now to make an appointment with a financial adviser for that time. Now is not the time to make big decisions. A lot can change in the next year and you will both be better able to deal with it then.

Kids are fine with moving, they may moan but it won't be life changing.

If you have another crisis, it will affect them much more.

Stay safe, take the pressure off yourself.

I have asked DH to sit down with me and look at costings before we decide anything.

I think this is fairly critical before you make any final decisions. This will then give you a balanced picture.

That. There's no need to be thinking about this now. Your DH is not helping your condition by angsting about this and pushing a decision that may not be necessary if rates come down again. You have another year and a half to see what happens and for your health to improve.

Two years and a half rather! Which makes his pestering even less purposeful.

If you decide to sell up now isn't the best time anyway

The market is stagnant
and prices probably falling
It's one of the most stressful things you can do which won't be good for you health

Sorry about what you've gone through. Can I suggest that you and your husband put this decision on hold for at least a year? You can afford your mortgage now and it sounds as if the last thing you need at the moment is a stressful move. You'll also have to pay a penalty for early repayment.

It's not about personal possessions or houses in nice areas with bedroom each.
The will be happier with their MOM.
They will want you around. You are their hero.
You will get better but don't add financial stress to it. The children want you and a nice house.

*not a nice house.

What's most important is that you are there for your kids, and coming through the other side of your depression.

Stamp duty, agent sale fees and legal fees will far exceed small increases in interest. It is vanishingly unlikely that it's going to be financially better to buy a slightly different house. Mortgage providers will be more likely to agree to extend your mortgage term to bring down payments than to force you out; keep an eye on things and ask them with plenty of time to spare.

Go easy on yourself! You had a mental health episode, nobody plans to do that and you are not responsible for it. You have done the right thing in taking a step back at work and the most important thing is that you are still here for your children and husband. I would hang fire with the house as you don’t know what is in store in that regard and things can change. Even if you do need to sell at a point in time in the future it wouldn’t be the end of the world for the children. Children are resilient and usually adapt to most situations. Be kind to yourself.