To feel like I have ruined my children's lives

[LessTeaMoreGin]

18 months ago I increased my hours at work (a GP) and we moved in to our dream house: a 4 bed detached house with large garden and near to school (kids 10, 8, 5). Then just over 12 months ago my life imploded. I was burnt out with work and it led to a long time off work, a suicide attempt and a long mental health admission. I am now on two antidepressants, an antipsychotic and lithium. Have never had any mental health problems before. I have recently returned to work doing something different (cannot imagine being well enough to work) but earn between a third and a quarter of what I earned before, although this should soon be topped up by an income protection policy. We are on a fixed rate mortgage until September 2025 and can afford the payments at the moment but if interest rates change we may not be able to. DH is stressing about this and wants us to move. I see the logic but I feel so shit for uprooting my kids after a pretty shitty 12 months. We would probably have to move to a 3 bed (and our daughters share) or a 4 bed in not so great a location. AIBU for being really really pissed off with myself?

My DH had a mental breakdown 2 years ago, he was suicidal, spent 6 weeks in a clinic, 4 months off work, alot of trial and error with medication and weekly therapy but now he is well and thriving, and even better than he was before. His advice given to him by the psychiatrist at the time was not to make any big decisions until he was well again. And personally I think it was the right advice. In the midst of it all we had thought about him quitting his job altogether (it was the job that triggered it), moving home, big lifestyle changes. It seemed inconceivable that he would be well again because he was so ill. But fast forward to now and I'm glad we didn't make any rash decisions. If you can afford to stay put for the next 12 months, I would focus on your recovery not adding more stress to your life.

Also, your fixed rate runs to September 2025, that's 1.5 years away, interest rates will stabilise by then and you may both have higher wages. The beauty of fixed rate is that you can enjoy NOT thinking about changes in rate, just relax for a year and then start to look at options.

Ugh. Ignore me. I've only just woken up.

Have you left your job as a GP? Do you still work for the NHS?

Your family want you to be less stressed and have time to heal fully. The stress this large mortgage is giving you and your partner is not helping you recover. Houses are not important, you and your health are.

sadly time machines don’t exist!

op focus on the future, developing a set up which will support your mental health. Health has to come first. Consider looking for a small 3 bed mid terrace which has the potential to extend or do loft conversion long term.

i went through burnout during covid too (manager in a fast paced social care setting with poor leadership) and fully reassessed my life balance, priorities and quality of living. I work part time and earn 1/3 what I did, however I feel fulfilled, happy with work, with quality time among friends, family, partner, hobbies. We have cut our cloth to suit, sold the car and bus it everywhere, budget extremely carefully using an app, holiday in Norfolk rather than abroad. Everyone is happier despite having less. I put this down to lowering stress levels and the kids having more attention and time.

Surely if your mortgage is a fixed rate until 2025. Even if it is January 2025 then this discussion and potential move should be put off till at least January 2024 at the earliest

As you have experienced a lot can happen in a year. You need to take time to yourself to feel stronger and another house move in such a short period of time after all you have been through isn’t going to help. Neither is a Dh fretting over something that doesn’t need to be fretted about at this time.

Remember if mortgage rates go up then yes the value of your house will go down, but so will every other house.

Definitely sit down and go through the figures now to see if there is any way to cut down and save or reduce the existing mortgage and look at what ifs for 2025.

Even if you found that your mortgage rate goes up 5% or 10% from what you are paying you will have a figure that you can work with whether that figure is -£2000 or -£1000 per month or -£12.50 per month.

I have been in this position a few times and helped friend to turn a monthly minus figure into a plus after her divorce.
I look at firstly what I can cut down on or use a cheaper alternatives (eg £360 per year savings using horse grass pellets instead of the cheapest cat litter). Finding the cheapest you can buy something that is non perishable and bulk buying a years supply etc
Comparison websites for insurances, phone and power etc. Costco membership for even just fuel if you have one with a petrol station near you
Then what you can use that you have to bring extra income in.
Friend rents out her driveway for parking as she is close to a station carpark and is £2 per day cheaper than the station carpark. She also Airbnb’s a bedroom she has that has an en-suite and another bedroom is the living room with a small kitchenette and microwave in. For her it might only be £500 per month (minimum) she gets in between these 2 things but it is the difference between staying in the house she loves or having to sell and buy something that most likely has the same out goings but just gives her a savings pot she can dip into to keep her going.

A few friends have eBay businesses. (One had her business grow so large her Dh gave up his job to work full time with her.
Even 1 or 2 evenings or a weekend day working at something completely different or on a freelance basis adds to the pot.

I never look at the minus figure as an enormous non achievable figure but break it down into what smaller amounts I can cut it down to by earning or cutting down on outgoings so that figure gets smaller and smaller until it disappears.

If it is September 2025 when you come off your fixed rate mortgage then your Dh is just adding to your stress for no reason.

Remember moving home even if it is to a better house and very happy about moving is stressful and very very expensive.

Moving when you are going to go from your dream home to a smaller house you wouldn’t move to if you had the choice is going to have a real detrimental affect on your long term mental health.

Just because you move to a smaller house doesn’t mean your bills overall will be lower . I moved from a 5 bed detached with a large mortgage and am in rented atm .
My outgoings on my rented house which is 1/2 the size of my previous house are through the roof. My electric bill is well above what I paid for my gas, electric and mortgage all put together and for that instead of being able to wander around the house in tropical heat with a tumble dryer going off every day I am so cold that there is ice on the insides of the window in the morning and I am losing the fight against the black mold. And losing the will to live dealing with the electricity supplier who seems to make it up as they go along

Smaller doesn’t necessarily mean cheaper and less stress.