AIBU to separate twin DC (5) in school after Easter?

[Ontheperiphery79]

My twins (5) are in YR in the same small class (only one class per year) in a lovely, but small school.
I've often regretted starting them together, as Twin 2 really clings to Twin 1, despite trying to support Twin 2 to give Twin 1 space and for Twin 1 to be able to tell Twin 2 when she needs space. Both are ND, as am I, so they both have different needs and communication differences/difficulties.
It's become increasingly apparent just how much Twin 1 dislikes being with Twin 2, and how much Twin 2 feels they 'need' Twin 1.
They have a close bond, but we have had a long, difficult few years, which has had wide ranging effects on them, so I am loathe to cause either further 'trauma', but it's really impacting their relationship and spending too much time together is making home feel like increasingly like a war zone.
A school across town has space for Twin 2 after Easter and it's a MUCH better fit for her. Their current school is perfect for Twin 1. No school has space for both in separate classes and there are extensive waiting lists within this area,
AIBVU to move Twin 2 after Easter, when I know that in the short term, it could cause her a lot of stress? Twin 1 is delighted by any thought of not being with Twin 2 in class (although they do not yet know this is a distinct possibility), although she loves Twin 2 to pieces and has said before how she'd like to just be with her during non-school time.
I've had really strong opposing views with the twins' father (who sees them 1 weekend a month and has never be involved in nor interested in their education and from the lady who is to all intents and purposes my Mum (we speak daily, but we haven’t actually seen her for 2 years). Really strong, negative views! Other friends and our network have been fully supportive.
Would really welcome thoughts and perspectives, even from non twin parents or those with NT DC.
And, any suggestions around how to best support both twins (but especially Twin 2) through this transition.

OP if it's something you can facilitate I think it's absolutely the right thing to promote the individual children's educational needs. They're still their own people despite being twins. You can foster their relationship outside of school.

How would that work logistically for pick ups and drop offs?

You have to do what's best for each child. So if that means moving T2 who will be better supported in their new school, and giving T1 space to breathe, then absolutely do that.

How will your logistics of pick up and drop off work though?

With a few tweaks, logistics aren't a problem, as the school's have different start and pick up times and, in the event of a problem one day, I have a network of other parents who can help. We're lucky to have some really good people in our lives.

Fwiw I work in school with this age group and have suggested similar to a parent with 2 dc in the same year group (not twins) Thankfully we are able to have them in separate classes at least. We've recommended a specialist provision for one dc (taxis would be provided) but parents are determined not to do this. It wound benefit both dc massively though so if it's logistically possible for you (both later on in school as well as now) it's definitely worth considering

Do it!
I am a twin lucky enough to have been in separate classes since day 1 of school.
We gravitated towards each other during breaks and lunch.
We pretty much left school without any close friends because we had each other. It was only when we went in different directions when leaving school that we made close friends.

I have worked in education and see the same thing with twins in school. It is lovely but doesn't make for a healthy relationship, the reliance on one another.
There were twin boys in my previous school who weren't disruptive and down right naughty. Mum decided to move one to another school in yr9. It was the making of the remaining twin, he ended up with great GCSE results and a good bunch of friends.

I'm sure there will be heartache and upheaval at first but long term they will thank you for it.

Were disruptive 🙄

2 children of the same age in separate schools will be a logistical nightmare for you - plus don't forget things like different term dates, teacher training days etc.
(Yes even schools within the same town it can vary).
Surely it's something the teachers can do. Buddy the quieter twin up with a different child. Make sure they are in different groups for activities etc.
If they can both go to the other school in September and be in separate classes then move them then - but seperate schools sounds crazy.

It sounds like the people more involved in your life agree this is the best course, and only those who are looking in at a distance are opposed. That would suggest to me that this does make the most sense.

It seems this is a case of choosing the lesser of two evils, so while T2 may not be happy in the short term (balancing that with T1 not being happy right now), she will likely grow in her own right in the new school. Maintaining the reliance on T1 is only going to be to T2's long-term detriment, and it's already negatively impacting T1. Logistically it could be a pain but I think it sounds like a sound plan from what you've said.

Logistics might be a challenge. However this is exactly what my ND niece and nephew did- they had different needs so ended up at different schools.

They were already in separate classes as many schools have a policy of separating twins precisely because of the issues you describe - one twin ends up "responsible" for the other who can then be delayed in development. They thrived after what would be twin 2 in your scenario moved schools (and are now happy and thriving young adults).

Might be worth talking over with someone objective who knows them - if they have a therapist or professional involved for example.

I think I'm feeling quite deflated by the strongly worded opinions from the Dad and my 'sort of' Mum.
I don't expect everyone important in our lives, but my 'Mum' really bluntly I'd be causing them more trauma (based upon her experience of one set of ND twins, who apparently grew further apart and pretty much hated each other thereafter).
Sorry for dripfeed: I'm not very good with getting my words out.
I just want the best for each child and for us as a family, as I've made a lot of mistakes as a Mum and they haven't had an easy first few years of life.

It sounds like it is best for your girls so do it.

I work in a school with a couple of sets of twins. Those who have had separate education experience have done better and seem to have better relationships. One set have been treated as a pair all their lives and at 12 years old still wait for each other outside the bathroom because they don't understand how to be apart.

You know your children far better than either your mum (who hasn’t seen them in 2 years) or their dad who barely spends any time with them.

I have two very close in age, because of mixed years in small village school they e ended up in the same class a couple of times. They do so much better when they are apart. They spend so much time at home together they need time apart and time with other children.

If you can work it logistically I’d move them.

It's so tricky because twin 2 would have to remake friends etc. And if they are finding school hard already...

But it doesn't sound like staying is a good choice either.

This - I would look at other solutions first and then only move as a last resort. Can teacher keep them separated into different groups / tables during activities? Are there different extracurricular activities you can sign them up for to give dc1 a break and dc2 a chance to build confidence?

twin mom here, and I do understand the difficulty of advocating for and balancing both of their needs. It does sound like this would be a great thing for dc1, and maybe a great thing for dc2 long term, but in the short term would worry that dc2 might fe they are being punished/ pushed away.

if you do go for 2 schools have you thought about how you will deal with the inevitable scheduling conflicts (parents evenings, Xmas shows, party /play date invites, etc.) twins are hyper tuned in to fairness and parental favouritism

The obvious question is about logistics etc- I couldn’t get my head round having 2 primary aged kids at different schools. But if you can manage that then go for it.

I totally agree with your post

Ignore the noise about different schools and different school calendars - lots of people have primary ages children at different schools because separate infants and juniors who don’t coordinate anything are totally a thing. I know a set of twins in different schools and it really works for them, it is worth trying for yours.

I will also push back against the idea that twins always do better separated. I had listened to all of that when mine were young and thought that was definitely the best- until I moved to a community where all of the schools are single form entry. I was really nervous about it (especially after one of their first teachers kept getting the very non-identical dc confused - luckily she didn’t stay!) but it has been better than fine - it has been great for us all. Mine don’t have a ‘dominant/ dependent relationship’ consistently. There are things that each is less confident about, and they look to their sibling for support, but also have made different friends in class and enjoy different activities. In secondary schools are much bigger and they will be separated to some extent then, but for now having them together has brought more positives than issues.

OP - sounds like you have a different dynamic and separation might be best for yours, but just want to throw out a counter experience for any other twin moms reading and thinking about schooling. There are no hard and fast rules for twins - every set has their own unique dynamic.

I knew twins who went to different schools for four years. They initially separated them in Nursery, one in morning one in the afternoon. Then as a one form entry they went to separate schools.

It worked well and gave them space to develop and they’ve been reunited in p. 5. I would say both parents were very much on board with this. They each had responsibility for a school so one parent did all pick ups/ drop offs/ parent evenings/ sports days for one school and the other parent did the other school otherwise it’s a logistical challenge.

I think as primary carer it really should be your decision. Obviously it will make your life more challenging and I’m sure you wouldn’t be doing it for fun but because it’s what you believe is best for your children.

I have twins myself and ex dh disapproves of dtd 1 having a bff as he feels dtd 2 should be her bff. Dtd 2 isn’t the slightest bit bothered and is very much a social butterfly who socialises easily with lots of children. Dtd 1 likes the stability of playing with one child at breaks/ lunch.

I smile and nod and tell the twins they must always be kind and support each other but it’s healthy to want to play with other people too. After all they spend so much time together at home/ at activities that it’s nice to have a change.

My twins M/F were in separate classes but same school all the way through.
I wouldn't like them to be in separate schools.
Now they are in secondary it's nice to be able to share about teachers, other kids, know the other twins friendship groups etc.
also, knowing the other one is there at school- somewhere- is more of a comfort than we might realise.

I went to school with twin boys in the same class who had the same kind of dynamic as your girls. One was sociable, bright, popular while the other really struggled and only wanted to play with his brother. By Year 5 they loathed each other and would physically fight in the class. It was single form entry so they never got to be apart.

YANBU don't listen to views of people who barely or don't see them.

@Needmorelego

Thanks for your reply.

Both girls are on SEN Individual Provision Maps and have been since Preschool, which this have included strategies to promote their independence and to support - especially Twin 2 - in building relationships with other children. Thus far, there has been little 'success', although both girls are apparently well liked and get on well with their peers. Any time Twin 1 has tried to assert her needs and ask for space from Twin 2, Twin 2 has become very distressed, with anger masking her sadness (both Autistic, although Twin 2 meets pretty much all the diagnostic criterion for combined ADHD (I'm AuDHD, as well).
I systematically advocate on their behalf and we are awaiting an ND/trauma informed Family Worker when one becomes available. Twin 2 has a non-diagnostic assessment for therapeutic support and strategies with a wonderful organisation, but that's not until early next year.
Current school is lovely, but despite frequent requests from me, they haven't supported an EHCP assessment request for either from me and, because of lack of training/funds/resources which is an issue for even the most well meaning of schools, Twin 2's SEN needs are not being met.
Suggested school for Twin 2 said from the get go that they would not only support, but would actively want, the LA's team to assess her.
Not concerned about logistics, as I WFH and have totally flexible hours, as am self-employed.
Totally aware of different school dates etc, even in area, as I'd be a fool to not have looked into all logistics.
I don't think separate schools is crazy, but I do take on board your points.

@MuggleMe whatever you is spot on around my most salient dilemma: I feel stuck between a rock, and a hard place.
I've spent mulling this over and researching, speaking to professionals and friends.
I truly believe that separating them to different schools that can more readily accommodate their very different personalities, learning styles/needs etc, but my heart feels very heavy for Twin 2 during the transition (I think, in time, she will shine, but I need to get it as 'right' as possible for her (and Twin 1 (and, also me!)).