AIBU to separate twin DC (5) in school after Easter?

[Ontheperiphery79]

My twins (5) are in YR in the same small class (only one class per year) in a lovely, but small school.
I've often regretted starting them together, as Twin 2 really clings to Twin 1, despite trying to support Twin 2 to give Twin 1 space and for Twin 1 to be able to tell Twin 2 when she needs space. Both are ND, as am I, so they both have different needs and communication differences/difficulties.
It's become increasingly apparent just how much Twin 1 dislikes being with Twin 2, and how much Twin 2 feels they 'need' Twin 1.
They have a close bond, but we have had a long, difficult few years, which has had wide ranging effects on them, so I am loathe to cause either further 'trauma', but it's really impacting their relationship and spending too much time together is making home feel like increasingly like a war zone.
A school across town has space for Twin 2 after Easter and it's a MUCH better fit for her. Their current school is perfect for Twin 1. No school has space for both in separate classes and there are extensive waiting lists within this area,
AIBVU to move Twin 2 after Easter, when I know that in the short term, it could cause her a lot of stress? Twin 1 is delighted by any thought of not being with Twin 2 in class (although they do not yet know this is a distinct possibility), although she loves Twin 2 to pieces and has said before how she'd like to just be with her during non-school time.
I've had really strong opposing views with the twins' father (who sees them 1 weekend a month and has never be involved in nor interested in their education and from the lady who is to all intents and purposes my Mum (we speak daily, but we haven’t actually seen her for 2 years). Really strong, negative views! Other friends and our network have been fully supportive.
Would really welcome thoughts and perspectives, even from non twin parents or those with NT DC.
And, any suggestions around how to best support both twins (but especially Twin 2) through this transition.

@MuggleMe sorry, that was meant to say "what you said", not "whatever"! X

I would wait until they can both go to a school with a two form entry. Separate classes is ideal but I wouldn’t send them to separate schools.

I am a teacher, and have always separated twins as the default, unless there is a good reason why not. They need to be seen as individuals, not as a pair. I have had experience of twins who were not separated until 18, when one went to live with her father, to get away from the other. The one left behind was unable to sleep without her sister, and was sectioned within a few weeks. This is extreme, but this is what dependency can lead to.

I would really say that you know your twins best. Different scenario but I delayed my late August born child so she started a year later in reception. All my loved ones were totally and vocally against it.
A year later they all 100% agree that it was the best thing.
Go with your gut is my advice.

I'd do it. Yes, T2 may struggle for a short time, but it seems the benefits of the new school will more than compensate.

Being together for 24/7 is hard and kids do need a break from each other. My daughter was separated from her triplet brothers in primary, then all 3 in separate forms for secondary.

Oh this is a tricky one OP. I have adult twin DDs (22). They were in a two form primary school and were separated. One found it very difficult as she relied on her twin a lot. We persevered and they both made their own friends etc.

A lot of their chat as adults is about their shared school experiences.

If you feel yours will benefit then maybe you should. Is there not a school with two forms per year?

You are describing pretty much the reason why my niece ended up in a different school from he twin. School recognised her brother's ND needs and made all the noises about niece but failed to support. Looking back they were using the male diagnostic criteria which didn't fit niece.

The new school was much better at supporting her and had provision in place from the outset. As adults they are very close despite attending different schools.

If the professionals and the friends in daily contact are all saying the same why would you override that for a father who sees them twice a month and doesn't deal with the daily issues or a friend who is wedded to her anecdotal experience?

Thanks, everyone.
I will reply more later!

Question- is the new school larger, with more than 1 form entry? Does it have sibling priority for admission?

What you could do is to move Twin 2, and put Twin 1 on the waiting list. If sibling priority is given, Twin 1 will be high on the list.

If the school works well for Twin 2, and a waiting list place comes up for Twin 1 in a parallel class, then you can move Twin 1 as well. If a place come up but it would be in the same class or if you feel the separate schools are working, you can turn the offered place down.

I was just wondering whether this might make the choice seem less binary, and also whether it could appease others (‘Oh, x is on the waiting list’) while you see how well it works out. If it works out as you hope - separate schools for their different needs - then they should by then see the positive impact for themselves.

I feel that while twin 1 may flourish ,how would twin 2 feel? A new school is difficult for most children, even NT ones.I mean I would see if they can be in separate classes maybe. Also would you alone be able to decide something like this if their dad is against it. Im sorry if I sound negative , but I think you should consider this carefully.Surely even if they make other friends ,then their primary source of contact would be one another ?

Will this cause difficulties with different school holidays/training days this is why I didn't move my dt for similar reasons because financially I wouldn't have been able to afford it. With extra childcare when working.
I waited for a two form entry to have two places (appreciate how lucky I was to get them both in). It was a great move and transformational for both (they love and get on well with each other). One is nd and one nt and were both using each other for support in their own way but nd child definitely leaned heavy for social support.
I would change if its workable logistically and there won't be an opportunity for a 2+ form entry to take both.
Can dad stop this happening? Would you need to take this to court?

Separate schools is a big step. I'm not sure if I'd go that far

i have B/G twins and they were in Separate classes From starting school.

disregard the comments from people who have barely seen them - one day a month isn't enough to know them. If your 'mum' hasn't seen them since they were three that's nearly half their lives - the developmental difference b/w a 3 and 5 y/o is huge. As well meaning as they both might be they don't have a clue about how the twins interact with each other and with classmates on an individual basis, whereas you do, and have clearly assessed all the options.

Even if your 'mum' was right and keeping them together would be the best for their relationship (to be clear I DON'T think this is correct), you still have to balance out 1close (possibly too codependent) familial relationship vs the opportunity to build a wider support network of friends, which it seems neither can successfully do at the moment, plus the right educational and SEN requirements. Moving them seems like exactly the right thing to do.

Even things people are pointing out as minor negatives like potentially a different inset day very occasionally, which you've clarified you've thought through - could also be respun as positives, i.e. an opportunity for you to have 1-1 time with them.

To be fair to OP that isn’t an option

@Labraradabrador it is a last resort.
There has been therapeutic support and the school have tried to implement some strategies around the twins, but it's not working and is getting worse.
The more Twin 1 tries to move away, the more Twin 2 clings to her and it's impeding both their developments across the board.
They do separate activities and have done since they were toddlers, as well as a shared interest activity.
Of course it's a worry that Twin 2 will feel on some level that she has done something wrong to necessitate being at a different school. All I can do is consistently communicate at an age appropriate level that I am trying to do my best by both of them in encouraging them to be apart and that we will all be together after school, weekends and hols etc.
I'm very aware of trying to balance both of their needs, which is challenging at the best of times, but considering both have individual, additional needs/are ND, as am I, and a single parent, there's never going to be that balance that we parents hope to attain.

Sounds like absolutely the right thing to do. You are supporting twin 2 anyway, so it’ll just be a bit more of that and then things will be much better for everyone.

I would just explain to Twin 2 that a place has opened up at a school that has more of XYZ that she likes.

If you and the school are having to develop all these systems to stop her clinging to twin 1 like a barnacle then that is much more likely to make her feel in the wrong.

@Pegsmum unfortunately, that could be years, as there are extensive waiting lists for very few places. Children are having to go to primary and secondary schools in the next town over, as there are simply too many children in our area for too few school places.

Do it. I have twin sisters who have done everything together right through to the same university course. They both had mental breakdowns when they got jobs at different companies after graduation due to separation anxietyfrom each other. Rona hitsoon after and They now mainly work from home, in a shared home office. Both still live with my mum and it continues. They will never move out and lead normal lives.

@cantkeepawayforever it is 2 form entry and Twin 1 is on the waiting list, should a space arise in the other class.
Sorry for the drip feed: I'm sleep deprived and my brain struggles with information retention and processing at the best of times.

If the logistics work I would do it.

i split my girls at the end of R, with the support of the school, as they were too dependent on each other and it was holding them both back (one in particular).

I was lucky for them to be in a school that could split them between two classes.

Mine went to separate schools in Y3-6 because one ended up at a SEN school.

No-one would bat an eyelid at two different aged siblings being sent to different schools to fulfil their individual needs. This isn’t any different when you get to the crux of it.

@dottiedodah I appreciate what you are saying, but I have considered this carefully, believe me, and continue to do so.
Twin 2 will struggle with the transition, but a support plan is being drawn up in the new school and I'm exploring how I can best support her and Twin 1 around this.
I'd be negligent and foolhardy not to have thoroughly explored all options.
It's been a really, really tough process and not a decision I haven't made it lightly.
I doubt the Dad would pursue anything via court, as he's never put himself out on their behalf nor does he like to be parted with his money when it comes to his DC, but he has the legal right.

@StripeyDeckchair I didn't have the privilege of 2 form entry, as the only school in our area that had space at the start of Reception was the 1 form entry they are currently in.
So, that's great that you haven't needed to go that 'far' for your twins, but our set up is very different to yours.

I would go for it. I always said if I had twins I would put them in separate schools.

I think you're doing the right thing OP but I agree with this. I wouldn't say you' are encouraging them to be apart as T2 may feel she is being pushed out and that she is the problem.

Say instead, that a place has come up at a school that is even better for T2 than her current school because they can do x, y and z and you've spoken to the Head teacher/teacher and they are wonderful and they've said x, y and z. Really big it up and make out that you're so pleased that this school that is perfect for T2 suddenly has a place for her.

I wouldn't even mention the twins being split up, and if T2 does then on the first mention I'd brush over it quite lightly - oh you'll see each other loads still after school and at weekends. If she starts getting very upset then I'd reassure her that although it might seem like a big step for her now and feel a bit scary, that when she goes there and settles in it's going to be really good for her. Just lots of reassurance and being positive.