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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do your support DC living at home do their own washing/cooking?

75 replies

StonwEd · 23/03/2023 07:29

Not can they, but do they.
My dh is away for a week and I've had a shock how much in terms of washing he does!! It's non stop, we don't have a dryer and the weather is crap but it's constant.
Then I suddenly think, there's 3 other adults in the house (DC between 20 and 25) and I'm washing their skids when I could be slobbing around in my room like they are!
I'm thinking about buying each a basket and a small drying line for their rooms and leaving them to it?
Same with food, they're rarely in for meals but I've found myself constantly consulting them on WhatsApp and co ordinating my life in order to feed them, when I could just eat pizza alone.

So do yours fend for themselves? There's always food they can cook and washing tablets etc but aibu to think at these ages they can take responsibility for their shit? They do all pay keep but minimal and when I say they do nothing around the house, I absolutely mean nothing... They all work, but so do dh and I and I just am thinking, why on earth are we doing everything...

OP posts:
Original poster
StonwEd · 23/03/2023 07:31

Argh title should say "adult" please mn change it if you see this!

OP posts:
Jabiru · 23/03/2023 07:33

I think they should definitely fend for themselves and in fact I think they should cook for you!

Xrays · 23/03/2023 07:38

I think every household is different. When dd aged 20 is home from university I do her washing in with our own as I can’t stand her making tiny loads of her stuff and using the machines when I want to use them. I have a routine going and I find it easier to stick to that. If I had loads of teens / young adults at home I might feel differently!

Wilkolampshade · 23/03/2023 07:38

Yes, time to stop OP. Have 2 this age myself who regularly boomerang back in between tenancies. Laundry basket and drying rack in their rooms and space in the fridge for their supplies or it all gets way too complicated. Obs if I've made enough food there's some left over they're welcome to it but I'm done with mass catering.
Have yours been away at all OP? Or have they never had to fend for themselves? Very easy to just keep on in the same behaviours but it's so unfair on you.

GreyCarpet · 23/03/2023 07:39

My son stayed at home through university.

He did all his own washing, stripped his own bed, bought his own food and did his own cooking. Obviously, I would wash Nything that adequate it into the laundry basket with the rest of the stuff and we'd have Sunday dinner together if I did it but, on the whole, he was pretty independent.

Tbh, he'd already started moving in that direction before university started. He was one of those MN anomaly kids who did his own washing anyway 😉

Original poster
StonwEd · 23/03/2023 07:39

Dog walks, garden stuff, recycling, bin emptying, shopping for anything we've run out of... We do it all 😅 we've been such mugs, I'm so glad dh went away, I've had my eyes opened!!

OP posts:
Bree82 · 23/03/2023 07:41

Yes I think they should definitely do more!
All my teenage step kids are expected to do re laundry is put it in the basket.
but they have been leaving it on bathroom floor (so we put it on their bed which then ends up on floor lol) and they leave the rest all over bedroom floor.

we have stopped picking up after them.
when they finally appear with several loads all at once we tell them it is not acceptable and too much to expect us to catch up on so they have to do laundry themselves.

I don’t know why it’s taking them so long to leave that if they make it to basket in time they wouldn’t have to do the laundry they hate doing so much lol.
bascially we are trying to teach them if they are too lazy resulting in more work for us, that’s more work for them too.
if they pick up after themselves and keep on top of their own mess then everybody has less work.

MsCunk · 23/03/2023 07:42

You're washing the underwear of 20-something adults? Dear god.

Lonecatwithkitten · 23/03/2023 07:43

My DD has been doing all her own washing since she was 16, she was expected to empty/full dishwasher, do washing up and make a meal once a week. She is now at Uni and when she was home for her off time table week in Feb in a round about way thanked me. She had to teach her flatmate how to use the washing machine, she sees people who have no idea how to cook.
We joke about her being a fully formed adult when it comes to household tasks.

confessionstoday · 23/03/2023 07:45

My teenagers do their own washing and have done for years. Why would I do it for them it's not difficult

BiddyPop · 23/03/2023 07:46

DD (17) has cooked for herself for over 2 years now as she likes totally different food to us and eats lots of food at strange times. She's out late with school study and training, but does a lot of physical training so needs fuel. Doesn't use any oil. Doesn't eat red meat. Likes a lot of spice.

So it was a relief when she got so pissed off with my offerings that she decided to cook for herself. (We also pay for hot dinners and hot suppers in school - but she'll come in at 9:30/10pm and start cooking rice and eggs and veg, or make a 2 tins of tuna wrap and a spinach/protein smoothie).

Now laundry on the other hand - apparently there's a fairy who does that one....although we've got as far as her putting her basket of clean clothes away once folded, and only overnight now (it used to take a week to get the basket back). And she does put the dirty things in the hamper and not scattered all over the floor.

HarrietStyles · 23/03/2023 07:46

100% they should be doing their own washing plus maybe have a rota where they each cook family dinner once a week. You say that they pay minimal “keep” which I presume helps a little towards housing and bills. Or do they pay so much that it also covers your time at £10 an hour maid service? I doubt it. You do them no favours by allowing them to carry on behaving like children - firstly they will never want to move out, secondly if they do ever move out they will be completely unable to fend for themselves.

Flavabobble · 23/03/2023 07:46

My two are still at home in their twenties. Both do their own washing.
I do cook meals, but it's a bit sporadic and if I'm working shifts or simply can't be bothered, they're capable of fending for themselves. It means they're very appreciative when I do cook or sort out a packed lunch!

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 23/03/2023 07:47

Jesus wept my 15yo does everything you've mentioned - all his own washing, hanging & drying. Cooks once a week, loads & unloads the dishwasher, adds items to the family shopping list. Strips, washes, and remakes own bed.

Time to get tough OP!

Bree82 · 23/03/2023 07:47

Lonecatwithkitten · 23/03/2023 07:43

My DD has been doing all her own washing since she was 16, she was expected to empty/full dishwasher, do washing up and make a meal once a week. She is now at Uni and when she was home for her off time table week in Feb in a round about way thanked me. She had to teach her flatmate how to use the washing machine, she sees people who have no idea how to cook.
We joke about her being a fully formed adult when it comes to household tasks.

Oh that is so great!
my husband understands more now but he used to think I was asking too much to the kids!!
injad to explain to him im like that because I love them and want the best for them.
I don’t want them to be the flatmates that everyone gets annoyed at!
I feel like we are always taking baby steps teaching them to pick up after themselves lol.
I have a baby of my own now. Never to young to start haha

gogohmm · 23/03/2023 07:49

I have mine washing baskets at 16, haven't done washing since (though I occasionally move clothes into the dryer or peg out to free up the machine. I do cook as it's easier than lots of separate meals

Dozycuntlaters · 23/03/2023 07:49

It's just me and my 20 year old DS at home. He does his own washing and cooks for himself. I would happily do both these things for him and do cook sometimes but if I get in from work and just want to sit down for a bit he just gets on with it. He's extremely tidy too, creates very little mess!

LimpetPool · 23/03/2023 07:50

I haven’t done DS laundry since he was about 14, he is 22 now I do the cooking but he does his own lunch when home and packed lunch. He does the bins and when asked will do some cleaning. He is actually better at cleaning than DH and I and he can iron well as he was in cadets for a number of years. He occasionally cooks as he likes it but he works long hours in a stressful job, his Father does as well and I retired early a couple of years ago so I do dinner. I started teaching him how to cook age 12 and he is a decent cook.

Original poster
StonwEd · 23/03/2023 07:50

It's dhs fault honest (joke) he's just always done it all. It's not till I've been left to manage everything for over a week I've realised how ridiculous it is.
My adult dh is here but he's lived away before so he can do it all, he's just rarely here.

They can all do it, we've just done it for them.
It stops now!!

OP posts:
Dyslexicwonder · 23/03/2023 07:51

DS is 19 next week. He mostly cooks for himself and does his own washing when he is back from University, he also expected to help out by emptying bins and hoovering common areas (his jobs before he went to University). If I am cooking I will offer to include him, but he keeps different hours to us and isn't keen on vegetarian food (both DH and Dd are veggi).

Ponoka7 · 23/03/2023 07:52

When my DD hit 18, we treated it like a house share. She is autistic and has other issues, so I did still do her washing, so she doesn't become overwhelmed. I did the housework, that's it's 70% me, she's 25. We pitch in together, I still do more but wouldn't if she didn't have SN. I'm not petty. I still organise home deliveries, she tells me if she wants any extras. Both of us shop for other stuff, for each other. Definitely call a meeting and make a change. I've got a dry buddy, so we wash and put away.

Theelephantinthecastle · 23/03/2023 07:53

I would actually go further - they shouldn't just be fending for themselves, they should be doing stuff for the household as well. E.g. mowing the lawn, taking out the bins, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom. Not all of it but there are 5 adults, all of the household chores should be split 5 ways.

Original poster
StonwEd · 23/03/2023 07:57

Theelephantinthecastle · 23/03/2023 07:53

I would actually go further - they shouldn't just be fending for themselves, they should be doing stuff for the household as well. E.g. mowing the lawn, taking out the bins, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom. Not all of it but there are 5 adults, all of the household chores should be split 5 ways.

I completely agree with this. And it wouldn't work, so personally I think they need to move out!

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 23/03/2023 08:05

We eat together, so one person cooks for whoever is in the house.
My dc all quite like cooking, and I can't stand it, so I am more than happy to stick their things through the wash in exchange for being cooked for.
Whoever notices the dishwasher needing emptying, empties it.
We don't do anywhere near as much vacuuming etc as some MNers seem to do, so whoever feels the need tends to do that now and then - same with things like emptying the bins / recycling etc - whoever notices it, cracks on with it.

I don't think it makes sense to do washing, cooking etc individually, so I don't make mine do their own, but they all contribute to the household and that works for us.

familyissues12345 · 23/03/2023 08:06

My eldest is at Uni, when he's back it's a mix of me chucking loads in the washer, or him. Depends who's around, why he's back and if he has time. I'm a bit weird though as I like washing... ConfusedGrin

Food wise, he generally eats what I cook, or cooks for himself/us all. He loves his independence at Uni, and likes to show it off at home, but equally likes coming home to be looked after! I don't mind as he does help out so it's balanced. I wouldn't be impressed if he came home and did bugger all!

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