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Original poster

Do your support DC living at home do their own washing/cooking?

75 replies

StonwEd · 23/03/2023 07:29

Not can they, but do they.
My dh is away for a week and I've had a shock how much in terms of washing he does!! It's non stop, we don't have a dryer and the weather is crap but it's constant.
Then I suddenly think, there's 3 other adults in the house (DC between 20 and 25) and I'm washing their skids when I could be slobbing around in my room like they are!
I'm thinking about buying each a basket and a small drying line for their rooms and leaving them to it?
Same with food, they're rarely in for meals but I've found myself constantly consulting them on WhatsApp and co ordinating my life in order to feed them, when I could just eat pizza alone.

So do yours fend for themselves? There's always food they can cook and washing tablets etc but aibu to think at these ages they can take responsibility for their shit? They do all pay keep but minimal and when I say they do nothing around the house, I absolutely mean nothing... They all work, but so do dh and I and I just am thinking, why on earth are we doing everything...

OP posts:
Artisticpaint · 23/03/2023 08:07

Dh and I put a load on from the washing basket as and when necessary. TBH I’ve never felt washing to be a problem, bung it in the washer, then bung it in the dryer, then bung it in the clean basket.
I Iron my own stuff.
i don’t work so I cook for DH and I, cooking a larger portion of food whilst I’m already cooking is also no extra effort.
But I have totally delegated pet care and dishwasher duties, so I actually feel like I’m doing less.

RosesAndHellebores · 23/03/2023 08:10

DD's 24.
She cooks on Tuesdays
She changes her bed linen
She empties the dishwasher when she gets home.

She was given the choice between doing her ironing and cleaning her rooms or paying the cleaner an extra hour. She chose to pay the cleaner so gives me £60 towards it. I do the laundry and have a routine with it.

When she finished uni I helped her to buy a new laptop on the basis she paid me £100pcm. When I said it was paid up and to cancel the so, she refused and said it was only fair to continue.

DH and I are still working full-time. DD's boyfriend's mum has never worked and literally does everything for him, including making him a packed lunch. He is very tidy and helpful when he is here.

Londongal123 · 23/03/2023 08:19

Your kids have it easy. No way would I be doing their washing. I can see cooking a dinner for everyone if they are all home but they should be buying their own breakfast and lunch foods. Did your mum do your washing at 25? I know some cultures are different.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/03/2023 08:22

Ours are at uni, but when they’re home don’t do their own as that’s not economic, but they do contribute to the house. Everyone has jobs in this house.

Even the 12 year old makes dinner once a week and the 10 year old deals with the dishwasher.

Artisticpaint · 23/03/2023 08:22

I don’t do breakfast and lunch for anyone.

MsCunk · 23/03/2023 08:23

Good luck making these important changes, OP. There's just no reason for an adult to not pull their weight (barring SEN obvs). You're not doing them any favours by babying them.

BooksAndHooks · 23/03/2023 08:23

No it wouldn’t be cost effective for everyone to be doing multiple loads of washing. I do the washing so I can sort it into as few loads as possible, ensure there is drying space and ensure the things needed more quickly get done first. I try and not do a load every day anymore so it’s important I have everyone’s washing to fill the machine.

Same With food, we are trying to be cost effective with gas and electric for cooking. I don’t want to cook and then they are cooking something else using more gas and electric when they could have just eaten with us.

It’s better to get them to cook for everyone from time to time rather than fending for themselves.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/03/2023 08:26

My daughter is 19. Since she was in 6th form, she has done her own washing and we share the cooking. She cooks 3-4 times a week.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/03/2023 08:28

My son was the same. Maybe less cooking for him (although he still cooked every week), but he hoovered as well, which my daughter is reluctant to volunteer for...

Oopsadaisysgranny · 23/03/2023 08:31

Op it would seem you have kidnapped my children !!!! Unfortunately mine are exactly the same and I’m the same as you !!! And add to the mix a baby ( not mine ) I keep saying I’m going to come down hard on them but to be honest I never do . Wish I knew the answer as I would tell you too 😂

WendyCraig · 23/03/2023 08:32

BooksAndHooks · 23/03/2023 08:23

No it wouldn’t be cost effective for everyone to be doing multiple loads of washing. I do the washing so I can sort it into as few loads as possible, ensure there is drying space and ensure the things needed more quickly get done first. I try and not do a load every day anymore so it’s important I have everyone’s washing to fill the machine.

Same With food, we are trying to be cost effective with gas and electric for cooking. I don’t want to cook and then they are cooking something else using more gas and electric when they could have just eaten with us.

It’s better to get them to cook for everyone from time to time rather than fending for themselves.

Agree with this but they could still be doing more- could they each have a day when they make dinner for everyone?

Having everyone in the kitchen cooking different meals is my idea of hell and pretty wasteful as well.

MsCunk · 23/03/2023 08:33

it’s important I have everyone’s washing to fill the machine

I've seen this argument over and over, but it makes no sense. A week's worth of washing for an adult fills the machine. Just let them crack on with it and stop martyring yourself. It isn't doing anyone any favours.

We do separate loads of laundry and it works fine. Occasionally we'll bung everyone's whites into one load, but otherwise they have set days for laundry, and their own drying racks in their rooms.

Goldenboysmum · 23/03/2023 08:35

I only have youngest DD 21, here now, just the 2 of us.

She works nights so we tend to do our own cooking but I'll her do her washing and I honestly don't mind. I'd rather 1 full load than 2 small ones. I have a 10kg machine from when my late DS was here and also my ex partner.

She does her own bedding though, it's easier for both of us that way.

She also does other stuff when she has time off, change cat trays, put bins out etc

Murdoch1949 · 23/03/2023 08:39

Glad your eyes have been opened and a new regime is on the horizon! They either do their own washing, see to their own food, and do a share of the chores or move out. I hope they're paying board & lodgings too, and I don't just mean £50 PW.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/03/2023 08:47

so it’s important I have everyone’s washing to fill the machine.

Its important for the person doing the washing to have everyone’s washing.

Why does that have to be you specifically?

Original poster
StonwEd · 23/03/2023 08:52

It wouldn't work for us to have a night a week each to cook, they all have very busy lives with work and hobbies. I love good food and my dhs kids eat total crap so I wouldn't want them to do my dinner.
We don't charge them anywhere near enough keep, in the hope they will save to move out.
For now, I'm buying baskets and racks and will give them the good news tonight.

I will have a good think about delegating the rest of the chores, I'm thinking a week each to clean the bathroom, hoover the stairs etc - it's just how to make it stick. Family Google calendar?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/03/2023 08:56

It wouldn't work for us to have a night a week each to cook, they all have very busy lives with work and hobbies. I love good food and my dhs kids eat total crap so I wouldn't want them to do my dinner.

Thats rather letting them away with it again though.

My 12yo would live on fish fingers and smash mash if he could.

Once a week he’s expected to cook a meal that everyone can and will eat. And he manages it, so a bunch of adults certainly could rustle up something decent once a week or once a month.

That step of “what will everyone like” is part of the maturing needed in kids imo.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/03/2023 08:58

We do jobs for a month at a time.

Means that there’s none of that “oh I thought my week was last week and I wasn’t doing that this week”.

Plus no debate on what day the week should start depending on work/hobbies.

Makes people going on holiday easier to account for as well.

Theelephantinthecastle · 23/03/2023 09:03

I think I would have a family meeting and basically run through the things that are required to keep the household running. Then ask for everyone's suggestions on how to organise yourselves. The starting point is everyone is going to contribute, that isn't up for debate but involving them in the process of who does what is more likely to get to a positive outcome.

Fwiw I think everyone having a set chore is easier than swapping around.

Original poster
StonwEd · 23/03/2023 09:08

Yes this is a great idea

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 23/03/2023 09:20

So apart from when your DH is away (which if you've only just realised this doesn't sound like a regulat event) it is actually him that does everything? For both the adult children and you? Are you going to suggest your DH doesn't do all this stuff for you either?

TheClash2023 · 23/03/2023 09:30

I always did the washing for everyone. It wasn't a great hardship. Everybody had a linen basket in their room, so in the morning would empty those, put the machine on. No drama and there wasn't a backlog of stuff building up that had no empty driers to go on.

Theelephantinthecastle · 23/03/2023 09:32

MsCunk · 23/03/2023 08:33

it’s important I have everyone’s washing to fill the machine

I've seen this argument over and over, but it makes no sense. A week's worth of washing for an adult fills the machine. Just let them crack on with it and stop martyring yourself. It isn't doing anyone any favours.

We do separate loads of laundry and it works fine. Occasionally we'll bung everyone's whites into one load, but otherwise they have set days for laundry, and their own drying racks in their rooms.

Totally agree. So many people seem to have a weird blind spot about the idea of just waiting for a full load. I wonder what they did when they were single!

nokidshere · 23/03/2023 09:46

My two - 22 & 24 - both live at home for now. I haven't done anything of theirs for years now. Sometimes, if they are in when I'm cooking something they like, they'll eat the same meal, but it's very rare. They cook, clean, shop for themselves and will do other stuff around the house as required.

Original poster
StonwEd · 23/03/2023 10:00

Chasingsquirrels · 23/03/2023 09:20

So apart from when your DH is away (which if you've only just realised this doesn't sound like a regulat event) it is actually him that does everything? For both the adult children and you? Are you going to suggest your DH doesn't do all this stuff for you either?

🙄
Yes that's right. Poor dh doing it all while I sit around, lunch with friends and he can't do anything because he's tied to the washing machine.

Or is it, he does most of the washing as he's at home at lunch and starts/finishes work later/earlier and that's when he does it and the rest of the chores are pretty much done between us.
He is simply home more, I travel a lot for work.

OP posts: