Do your support DC living at home do their own washing/cooking?

[StonwEd]

Not can they, but do they.
My dh is away for a week and I've had a shock how much in terms of washing he does!! It's non stop, we don't have a dryer and the weather is crap but it's constant.
Then I suddenly think, there's 3 other adults in the house (DC between 20 and 25) and I'm washing their skids when I could be slobbing around in my room like they are!
I'm thinking about buying each a basket and a small drying line for their rooms and leaving them to it?
Same with food, they're rarely in for meals but I've found myself constantly consulting them on WhatsApp and co ordinating my life in order to feed them, when I could just eat pizza alone.

So do yours fend for themselves? There's always food they can cook and washing tablets etc but aibu to think at these ages they can take responsibility for their shit? They do all pay keep but minimal and when I say they do nothing around the house, I absolutely mean nothing... They all work, but so do dh and I and I just am thinking, why on earth are we doing everything...

I am not surprised. I am asking about others kids.
They're certainly not lazy, but we've enabled them to live a very nice easy life.
Things need to change, I've acknowledged this. I'm asking for tales of others, not insults.

That’s what works for us. I do the washing timed so it gets hung outside in the morning so it dries. I am the only person around in the morning to hang it out.

I'm the child in this situation, 25 and still at home 50% of the month, when I'm around I do all the shopping and cooking for all of us (my mum hates cooking whereas I don't mind it so this works for us) and most of the washing as I WFH so it's easy for me to do during the day.

Obviously sort my own bedroom and will do random stuff if DM asks me too although I thinks she gets a pretty fair deal as we do have a cleaner for the big stuff.

Should have said the above is in return for me not paying rent though.

My children have all boomeranged between tenancies and they have always done their own washing post Uni.
Youngest is commuting every day and leaves at 7 and home about 8 pm so I do generally cook and do his washing because he is knackered. I only work part time and husband retired .

DD20 and DS21 both pay rent. Both have well paid jobs.
Each cooks one night a week...flexible, they can swap it around etc. This is quite a new thing and tbh they're not overly keen as both due lots of fitness and footie training etc in evening so there's been a bit of moaning and 'please mum could you just help me...?' 😆
Laundry rule is if it's in the basket, Ill wash it and it gets returned to outside their bedroom doors. This works best for me.
They both sort out their own lunches, strip/make beds and do their own ironing.

I have ds22 and dd21 at home, both in work. Luckily we have enough space so they have a large "bed sitting"room each and their own bathrooms, although they cook in my kitchen. They pay a set amount of housekeeping.
I don't do anything for them on a daily basis. I am always around for chats and advice, I'll hang their washing if I'm doing laundry myself, if I'm cooking one of their favourites I'll invite them to partake, I'm always available for health/financial/workplace chats and if they're laid up in bed unwell I'll be there with paracetamol and hot water bottles.

And they respect that I'm now into another phase of my life, as a parent with grown up children. I appreciate the encouragement they give me to 'have a life' and fulfil my ambitions - in fact, one of them recently accompanied me on such a trip to help me do something I'd always wanted to do. I love the relationship that's developed over the last few years, and I hope I'm helping to prepare them to move on confidently and sensibly.

Adult DS does own washing and ironing - keeps own room clean changes bed etc
we have a rota for other housework
most weeks we work out how many nights we are in at same time for food then agree what to cook and share the cooking - rest of week we sort ourselves out
He is a fairly good house mate whilst saving for deposit on own home

Had a lovely long facetime with dh this morning. He agrees that we've let this go on too long.
Washing baskets have been purchased on my way to work and family meeting will be happening when he's home next week.

If they can't respect our basic expectations then we will have to get a rota going, but ultimately, they do all need to think about their futures.
Eldest has been and done uni, the other two are working full time, there is no SEN so some discussions about where we're all heading is needed.
Dh and I would like to sell up and move in the next couple of years, but tbf if they'd all left home by now, we would be further along with that plan.

I think there’s deffo a control element for some women

they like to be in charge of the washing so they can control exactly how it’s done. They like to be the one cooking, so that can control exactly what meal is made and how it’s made.

My 20 year old ds is at home and working.

All washing just goes in the dirty washing basket in the bathroom and when it’s full, me or dh just stick it in the machine and then the dryer every other morning. Nothing gets separated or sorted anyway, so it wouldn’t make any sense for people to do their own bits of washing, it would just make it more of a faff.

For washing bedding, I strip all beds and wash every 7-10 days. Easier to do it all at the same time.

We also batch cook a couple of times a week for the 5 of us in the house so we all just eat that. Ds works shifts so we just leave him a portion of food for the day from that.

Ds pays us rent. I don’t see it as him being pampered or anything, it’s just how the house works and always has done.

I think it’s different for us though as we have younger children too, one a toddler so I can’t be arsed with faffing around. Stuff just gets done when it’s done. I couldn’t be doing with going to do the washing and find that ds was using the machine so I couldn’t.

This is what I mean with my set up. We have one adult child, but we are still very much in the thick of it with an 8 year old and a 2 year old
as well!

So things just have to work and work for all of us. Which means that it’s easier and quicker for all washing/cooking/cleaning to be done by me and dh around commitments with the younger ones.

OP,

Assigning a bathroom each, hoovering to another, or between them.
But make it very clear that shirking will not be tolerated.

Stressing that the kitchen had better be left tidy too.

Telling them they are now responsible for purchasing their own food as only milk and bread will be purchased for them to use.

Also mention the plan to downsize sooner rather that late.

Up what they pay.
Divide the utilities, council tax etc., by 5.

You are definitely doing them zero favours by allowing this to continue.

Doing their laundry well into their 20's is ridiculous IMO and is a huge job to be doing.

DS20 does his own washing, and has done for a couple of years. If he wants to do a small load he knows to make it up to a full load with stuff from the main basket. DS17 isn’t there yet, but he has SEN and has to be reminded to actually change his clothes.

I make an evening meal and leave a portion for anyone who isn’t around, but breakfast and lunch they sort themselves. There’s a rota for washing up, which I’m not on because I do enough.

DS1 will clean the house too, to a good standard but tends to do that when he’s broke in the hope I’ll slip him £20. Quite often I do. It’s cheaper than hiring a cleaner.

I am the youngest of 5 dc with a large age gap before I was born, and grew up in 1970s working class south London, where the norm was that your adult dc stayed at home until they married, so I watched my older siblings making the transition from kids of the house to adults of the house. That's quite helped me.
When my own dc were younger, we shielded them from everything - they never knew if one of us was going through health difficulties, if our jobs or work were in jeopardy, if an unexpected bill left us short that month, if we were upset about a friendship matter or had had a row with someone. If we were skint, something would be quietly sold to ensure Xmas was as good as ever, that sort of thing.
When they hit their teens with all that that entails, I realised we were doing them and us a disservice. They didn't see us as proper people with stresses and worries and problems and issues of our own. I could say or do something that would upset them but vice versa - no. It didn't help that I had been an older mother and was peri-meno whilst they were teens. Clash of the titans - puberty vs menopause!
So I began to talk to them about my life - nothing too heavy, but if I was down about work, or sad about a friend moving away, or stressed because I felt like one of the sandwich generation, or tired because I wasn't sleeping well, I talked to them about it, and listened to what they had to say about it. Mostly they were actually very caring and concerned. Mum was not a robot!
I think that has helped to make them see that this is now my time to sit back a bit, think of myself more, spend more time watching box sets, planning trips I want doing things that interest me, maybe take on work that needn't fit around other people's schedules.
But the transition of 'child of the house' to 'young adult of the house' is a hard one. You need a catalyst to tip the change - mine was dd asking if her boyf could stay overnights in her room. We combined that step towards independence with a total overhaul of living arrangements.

My teenager does her own washing. It’s a nice self-contained chore to give them and when they don’t do it, they are the only one who faces any consequences. She is also responsible for getting herself breakfast and lunch.

DD cooks at least one night a week and does her own washing. She also orders our online shopping and puts it away. She washes up and empties the dishwasher. If the cleaner is on holiday DD volunteers to do the cleaning. She pays for Netflix, Amazon and organises our tv viewing.

Oh and I noticed that there was a lot more re wearing of jeans and hoodies once they realised that the only person who would be washing them was themselves!

It’s a waste of water and power to do individual washes, so I don’t mind doing that.

As soon as I left school at 15 (youngest in my year) I was expected to do all my own washing, cleaning, and cook regular meals for the family. Paid rent as soon as I was working in a part time job. Absolutely no way would I be doing a 20/25 year olds washing and I would certainly be expecting them to contribute to the household financially, buy food, cook meals etc.

I don't have enough clothes to only do one wash a week for myself! I rotate to same couple of things when WFH so need to do a wash every few days. So it makes sense for me to just do mine and my parents altogether and my DM will do some of mine if she's doing a wash.

That's really poor behaviour.

It was expected that I play an active role in family life including laundry, cleaning, cooking, handling bills etc. Yes, they may have busy lives but that doesn't mean one can't do anything! They can cook at the weekend to either have at the weekend or for the week ahead!

Cleaning own rooms from around 5.
Clothes washing since sixth form.
Cooking for themselves since moving back after uni, aside from weekly family meal. If not around they will msg me ahead of time.
Shared rota for household tasks.
It works for our family and feels like the fairest option.

Am I just over thinking this and it’s all in my head?

Near the start of March I started a new job. A week in and I damaged my leg. I didn’t want time off but I was told I was a ‘risk’ to others, myself & place of work & couldn’t have a risk assessment. In the meantime my GP signed me off till the end of the month.

But I have been trying to do online training that was expected to do in my own time and have tried to keep in contact but haven’t really heard anything except for today to say I would be working the Easter holidays (which I had expected) but the wording of the email annoyed me.

I’ve been told “I haven’t impacted on *** due to non-attendance”. I understand this is the case but it made me feel like I damaged my leg on purpose. I haven’t received my contract yet and my probation is due up in May. I just feel like that maybe this will be used to dismiss me?

Worried UK mum