AIBU baby shower gift request

[Jeffsmama]

DPs brother and partner are expecting a baby. We were not sent the Amazon baby gift wish list to choose a gift/ gifts. MIL (DPs mum who has very kindly bought DPs brother and partner a pushchair > £1k) asked us to purchase a baby monitor @ £190 and seemed quite put out when we declined and firmly said we would happily purchase a gift of our choosing in our price range.

We can afford to buy the baby monitor but don’t feel it’s our obligation to buy something on the more expensive side for the baby/ parents - they have chosen to have a baby and we don’t feel it’s our responsibility to meet their expectations of gifting. Should we buy the baby monitor or stick to our guns?

In fairness I think there's a huge difference between

"I'm going to have a baby even though I can't afford it, my family will pick up the bill"

And,

"How exciting that I'm getting a new grandchild, I wonder if son 1 has decided what to get son 2 for the baby yet, I wonder if they'd like to buy the monitor"

We don't know yet which it is.

Dear God stick to your guns.

What a time to be alive..

Sort of in the fence here

All the posters calling your BIL and SIL grabby are unfair I think. Baby showers (whatever you think of them) are not uncommon and many people put gift lists together to stop getting lots of the same thing

It's entirely your choice what you spend but it sounds like MIL organised the baby shower and MIL suggested the gift. MIL is also the one 'put out' so I don't think your poor BIL and SIL are unreasonable or grabby at all

You also say several times 'it's their choice to have a baby' and imply you shouldn't have to financially pay for expensive things. While that's right, it's a bit of an extreme way to look at what is the first baby on DPs side. Are you looking forward to being an Aunty?

Your MIL is just a bit over excited I think.

In the fence and ON the fence 😆

Is literally everything about money now?
So grim.

I saw a baby bank charity post on social media that they'd had a big donation from someone who had a baby shower and asked all of their guests to buy something for the baby bank instead of a gift. It instantly made me think of Mumsnet and how that would be the only acceptable type of baby shower!

This is really up to your DP. It will be his brother and mother who you will be upsetting.

Totally agree

No, your MIL is being silly. Also you save money for your own lives and own kids. Much as I love my nieces and wish to spoil them when I see them, I don’t set aside money for them for when they turn 18. I would be careful of starting something you can’t keep up with further nieces/nephews or the arrival of your own kids.

Most siblings buy a cute outfit/teddy for new babies in the family which is plenty in my opinion. I think most couples also prepare/save for at least nine months for the basics they will need for their baby. It would be very weird to rely on your siblings to pay for some of the big ticket items and I don’t know anyone in real life like this.

That's a great gift!

I think MIL being put out is unreasonable, but it's ok that she suggested a gift. Obviously everyone has their own financial limits but it's really nice to be able to help out a new family if you're able to, especially if they're close relatives. It doesn't mean they can't afford it themselves, it's just a kind gesture.

I spent several hundred pounds for my siblings first child as it was the first baby in the family for decades, I love my sibling dearly, they were struggling for money, and I wasn't at the time. It was my choice though and they didn't ask. 2nd baby they had, I only spent £25 as my financial position had changed. They were still very happy with the cheaper gift though.

I think baby showers are pretty tasteless tbh, and grabby. I didn’t have one!

That’s a great idea!

I had two baby showers for my first pregnancy - one organised as a surprise by a friend, where people brought small token gifts (think a baby grow/towel etc) and one organised by my parents where people were specifically asked not to bring gifts (although some close family members gave us sentimental but low value gifts like hand-me-down baby jewellery)

I had no baby showery got my second but would have loved to celebrate my pregnancy and donate to the baby bank!

It depends on whether gifts are expected; I guess. For me, it was about celebrating our rainbow baby. We already had what we needed!

YANBU. £190 is an extremely generous amount and probably more like four or five times as much as one might spend on a niece or nephew when they’re born. Fair enough if you spend more or less than this - point remains.

The growing cost of occasions (especially things like hen parties) is starting to make me dread them slightly. Even kids’ parties are no longer tea parties at home, with a few cousins and close friends and a homemade cake. We got invited to these Kardashian style kids’ parties in venues with balloon arches before we even had kids…

Sorry but as you can afford it and there are no other children I think it’s really tight of you. I don’t think that is a particularly extravagant present for your nephew. There’s something about your wording that says it’s not really about the cost it’s that you resent them having a baby in some way. You certainly don’t seem to be someone who sees this baby as part of your partner’s family, which the baby is. The baby is your partner’s nephew not just your partner’s brother’s son. You do come across coldly sorry.

I don't think we spent that on a cot!
Baby showers used to be people turning up with essentials like muslins/towels and toiletries.

Presumably this would not be for you to purchase. This would be up to your bf/gf. It does, however, seem an extravagant present even from an aunt or uncle of the baby.

I don't like being told what to buy and even for a sibling's child I would consider that expensive. I'd probably gift £100 so they could put it towards something for the baby. As long as you are both in agreement spend whatever you can afford.

Wow! Just like any other occasion, it's up to the gift giver to decide if they buy a gift, and how much they spend. Surely nobody expects anyone to spend that (ridiculous) amount of money on them? Most baby shower gifts are things like a little outfit, a babygro or two, a couple of nice books, a blanket, etc?

Also about to say the same. Naff and grabby and tacky.

My dd had a baby shower and made it clear that she didn’t expect gifts but if anyone wanted to buy then a children’s book with a message from the giver to future dc would be lovely.
Inexpensive and more personal.

YOU are the gift givers, therefore YOU choose what gift to buy and how much to spend.
When I was pregnant with my first my sister bought me a £20 steriliser. When she was pregnant I asked what she wanted/needed/would be nice to have and she asked for a nappy bin. Then when the babies were born they were given a packet of vests, a packet of sleepsuits and an outfit. If the parents haven't asked for the monitor I'd be inclined to think it's MIL pushing for it, possibly (hopefully) just out of excitement because it's the first. Can your DP ask your brother if there is anything they would like that costs under £x?
I don't understand the need for a £200 baby monitor... mine cost £30!

YANBU and you know it.

Some people are so socially inept, it’s embarrassing.