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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A positive story about your child with autism, please?

82 replies

Positivityplus · 22/03/2023 18:46

Hello, I've got a 12 year old DS with autism. The social side of life is very challenging for him. He'd love to have a good friend. I've just had an email from his school basically saying that the two girls he's managed to make some sort of connection with in the past need "their own space". My DS doesn't even spend much time with them these days, but hey ho, you can't make people be friends with you.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit down about it, because he's also had incidents of bullying to deal with and now this. So, if you have any positive stories about your child with autism, diddly or adult, I'd love to hear them! Any tips for navigating life as a teenager with autism would be great, too!

OP posts:
newyorkbreakfast · 22/03/2023 18:51

Just wanted to chime in solidarity with you. My DS is also in Y7 and finding friendship complex. Doesn't know who his real friends are as they're inconsistent. And possibly unkind...
Not sure what to do as I don't want to meddle. Academics are also a challenge so I'm focussing on helping with that too.
No real advice sorry, but you're not alone.

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 22/03/2023 19:12

While there are challenges, my DS is a
sociable (within his range) and articulate young man who is a delight to be around.

He sees the world from a very particular point of view, but it’s enriched my understanding of the world. He’s great. He needs help with some things, particularly with structure, and we’ve worked out a toolbox of techniques to help him deal with life independently.

I send my heartfelt support because yes, this stage your son is in, is bloody hard and painful. But it does get better and he will find his tribe.

Newjumper2023 · 22/03/2023 19:18

I have a 19 year old who was like this but since leaving education has blossomed and now has a partner and a couple of friends. School years were hard but from 16 things started to improve.
I also have a 13 year old who is going through the same I'm hanging onto the fact it will get easier when there not forced into a stressful setting 5 days a week.

Iquitforevermore · 22/03/2023 19:28

My beautiful sensitive confident 6 year old is extremely sociable, and knows so many kids. However, I'm unsure dc is making friendships with a deeper connection. I hope this improves with age.

I love that dc is so very intelligent, is meticulous at his intense interests, has an amazing personality, and dry humour.

I love that dc likes calm, and is a home body who loves spending time with family.

I love that dc has the biggest smile, so much charism, and lights up any room.

I love that dc can become an expert at what ever field he sets is mind to. I know this will be advantageous in the future.

I love that dc has a photographic memory, and the most attention to detail I have ever seen.

i love that dc appreciates the simple things in life, and doesn't want a fuss.

Most of all I love that dc is mine.

Chocolatesandroses · 22/03/2023 19:30

Hi op , I could have written this myself a year ago . My daughter is 13 and diagnosed with autism . When she was at primary school she never had any friends or anyone to play with and never got invited to parties . She used to get so upset that she wanted a friend . She went to a mainstream school but had a EHCP and the school tried to support her in making friends and using social stories to help her manage in social situations . Then when she started secondary school she went to a special school she did still struggle a little to make friends but now she’s in year 8 and she has a group of friends . As someone else said he will find his tribe . Does your son have a EHCP ? Is he in a mainstream setting ?

MargotMargot123 · 22/03/2023 19:41

My youngest daughter, who is 5, has autism. She can be brutal at times but she has a wonderful sense of humour, very caring and a strong personality. She has a presence!

She is hard work, has a of lot of medical problems, hardly sleeps but on a good day she makes me smile. I don't want to sugar coat it, but I wouldn't be without her.

GazeboLantern · 22/03/2023 19:42

Lockdown was bliss at first for two of my teens. The relief of no social pressure! It allowed the one with a diagnosis of ASD to come to terms with himself, and persuaded the older one, without a diagnosis, to ask to be assessed.

The younger, diagnosed at 12, had had an awful time at school. I don't need to go into details, they're familiar to parents of ND children.

He joined the Tech Club at school and worked on a very successful project with another boy, who introduced him to third boy, and suddenly, just before lockdown, there was a tentative friendship between the three of them. It grew over lockdown, through communicating online without any in-person interaction.

From that first trio the friendship group expanded to 6 boys, each in some way 'different'. ASD, immigrant, obese, underweight, geeky etc.

Their friendship has been a joy for the parents, as well as the boys. They are all so different and so lovely. They look out for each other and stand up together against their old bullies. They consult together over whether they should let another person into their friendship group, and only do so if everyone agrees.

The years on, they have all matured enough, and are confident enough of their mutual friendship, to be comfortable when one introduces a girlfriend, or a few go off to do something without the others, etc.

In 2019 I could only have dreamed that my then 12yo would ever be as secure as my now 16yo is.

Of course he's still autistic. But it's OK.

MargotMargot123 · 22/03/2023 19:43

Oh...and she's just achieved her first 'pee' on the toilet. Huge success in her world!

Fantasticaldolphin · 22/03/2023 19:45

Were any of the children in these stories non verbal at nearly 4 years old and not following instructions?

demotedreally · 22/03/2023 19:46

Gosh I need this. We are just coming to terms with the difficulties of realizing that 7yo is not just "young for his age"

Everything is so hard. I would love it if we can get to some place where he is doing fine.

MargotMargot123 · 22/03/2023 19:49

Fantastic- my daughter is verbal but find it's VERY hard to follow instructions. She spends most of the time rolling around on the floor...

Grimbelina · 22/03/2023 19:49

Mine has recently discovered he is gifted (possibly savant-like) in a couple of ways which has been a complete surprise to both him and to us. This has made him incredibly happy and given his life a real focus. It has also given him a very positive identity at school. He told me the other day that he was now glad he was autistic as he realises these gifts are part of it. Even a few months ago I wouldn't have thought that any of this was possible (and three years ago we were really in the trenches and having a truly dreadful time).

Grimbelina · 22/03/2023 19:50

MargotMargot123 we had a very long time of rolling around on the floor....

allthelittlelights · 22/03/2023 19:51

My eldest is very caring, very funny and got a good degree.

Jules912 · 22/03/2023 19:54

Not my child but me. After struggling through school ( I was diagnosed but no one really knew what to do with bright autistic children then) I finally found true friends ( and a boyfriend) at uni and am still in touch with some of them now. I've got a good job and that boyfriend became my DH.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/03/2023 19:56

Sometimes in youth centres they have specific activities for dc on the autistic spectrum. I am in lreland and have seen this work very well as they can meet like minded peers and get to have a say in what they want to do. Is there anything like that around?

loafintheoven · 22/03/2023 19:57

@GazeboLantern - that's made me well up. What a lovely outcome for them all!
My DS is in Y7 and is also starting to find his tribe. He goes to lego club, D&D club, Pokémon club. He's started to make friends, although only one has made it back to ours after school. I think they all value their home time too much.

moveoverye · 22/03/2023 19:57

Don’t have a DS, but nephew has, he joined scouts age 10ish and it was the absolute making of him! He made lots of friends and the relationship didn't get too ‘full on’ like it can do at times for those on the spectrum, because he and they went to different schools. So everyone got a bit of space. Does your DS have a hobby he could pursue out of school? Good luck to him and you x

BlossomBud · 22/03/2023 19:58

My autistic husband grew up in a deprived town and was bullied at school. Despite coming from a working class background he’s excelled at work and was managing a team of 30 at age 30. A couple of years later he has a six figure salary with a very generous bonus scheme. He’s well liked by his colleagues and is invited to all of the social occasions.

He was raised in a family that tore him down and told him he was too quiet, needed to be more sociable etc. In the world of work they saw his positives and provided training so he could overcome his weaknesses.

PicardsVictorianChild · 22/03/2023 20:00

@Fantasticaldolphin have you found the research / online communities for gestalt language processors? Been so helpful for my DC 4 minimally verbal. Meaningful speech on Instagram is a good entry point. Really positive, encouraging community.

Fantasticaldolphin · 22/03/2023 20:00

MargotMargot123 · 22/03/2023 19:49

Fantastic- my daughter is verbal but find it's VERY hard to follow instructions. She spends most of the time rolling around on the floor...

Thank you. It’s great that she’s verbal. I think I’m possibly at the worst point in all this, so I’ll bow out of the thread now.

Lostmarblesfinder · 22/03/2023 20:01

My DS has zero interest in friends in school but on his birthday every year he wants a big bash, go figure. But we know loads of other kids with ASD so he has his big do.

He is a great kid and we adore the bones of him. It is all good in our house. My DD has ASD and she is doing great too.

clocktock · 22/03/2023 20:01

Fantasticaldolphin · 22/03/2023 19:45

Were any of the children in these stories non verbal at nearly 4 years old and not following instructions?

My dd was non vocal till 8. She didn't really understand simple instructions till she was five/six. Doubly incontinent till 7.

She's 15 now, studying for her GCSEs in a ASD specialist school that she started 2 years ago. Very talented artist . Aspires to be a costume maker. Already sells Comic-Con costumes that she makes and paints interesting water colours 😁

Fantasticaldolphin · 22/03/2023 20:01

PicardsVictorianChild · 22/03/2023 20:00

@Fantasticaldolphin have you found the research / online communities for gestalt language processors? Been so helpful for my DC 4 minimally verbal. Meaningful speech on Instagram is a good entry point. Really positive, encouraging community.

Thank you. I have found Meaningful Speech, but nothing makes a difference.

clocktock · 22/03/2023 20:04

Hi op.

My dd struggled with friendships in primary. She gets quite possessive and clingy. She's more relaxed now (she's 15). She's also now at a specialist school so she's mixing with children with more or less the same issues. She's learning social skills. Embracing her quirks. Mixing more outside school but is quite awkward. Confidence is growing though and she's excited for college