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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my boyfriend to stop using my car?

104 replies

Ozzielass · 22/03/2023 18:32

I have just moved in with my long term boyfriend

he drives a van for his work and I have my own car

everytime he runs an errand after finishing work, he just assumes he can take my car

I understand that his van probably costs more to run, as it’s bigger … but my car is my pride and joy and he doesn’t ask - he just takes the keys and before I notice, I see my car has gone.

am I being unreasonable to ask him to stop using my car as his ‘run around’ car ?

not only this, but he moved the mirrors, the seats and wears his work boots which leaves my car dirty

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 22/03/2023 21:37

I think the issue is that you've only recently moved in and he's already adopting the 'what's yours is mine' approach. Does he reciprocate? Can you take anything of his without asking or does he expect to be asked first? Would he say no if you did ask?

You say he's a long term bf but you've only just moved in. What was he like when you were living separately?

cooldarkroom · 22/03/2023 22:07

Id say,
I dont want you just taking my car
Its my car
Its my petrol
You dont ask
You make it dirty
You are exploiting my good will.
If you continue I'll be obliged to consider how I protect my private posessions & how thus relationship is not working

Daftasyoulike · 22/03/2023 22:19

If you've only just moved in with him, I think you should be giving serious thought to moving out again, simply because if you can't communicate with him about something as simple and basic as this, then relationship has no hope of coming through anything serious.

WorkCleanRepeat · 22/03/2023 22:31

katiisa · 22/03/2023 19:09

You need to learn how to share, darling.

This!

thelengthspeoplegoto · 22/03/2023 22:35

Let your petrol run down. Next time he takes it, ask him to fill it up while he's out.

Beenheresomanytimesbefore · 22/03/2023 22:41

I have been married for 16 years and DH still asks if he can borrow my car. Because it’s mine.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2023 22:52

Beenheresomanytimesbefore · 22/03/2023 22:41

I have been married for 16 years and DH still asks if he can borrow my car. Because it’s mine.

I've been married for 26 years, both of our cars are owned jointly, but my husband has "his" and I have "mine", and he has always asked before using "my" car. He would also never even dream of leaving a mess behind in my car. It's just the most basic, low level kind of respect.

OhcantthInkofaname · 22/03/2023 22:55

Tell him: not to use it without asking. Secondly to clean up after himself and to leave the mirrors and seats the way they were when he got in.

Pixiedust1234 · 22/03/2023 23:06

Hide the keys.
Say no next time he wants it.
Reason - he doesn't ask so he won't know if you need it for an appointment or meeting someone and you have no way of knowing if he's gone for 10 minutes or ten hours.

Take him off your insurance, he thinks being on it means you agree to him just taking it, he just hasn't thought or care he needs to ask first. It can be a relatiinship red flag or it can be miscommunication.

cherish123 · 22/03/2023 23:16

YANBU
However, why did you put him.on the insurance?

GoodChat · 23/03/2023 06:00

Anonymous48 · 22/03/2023 20:50

To be honest, it sounds like you're not ready for this next stage of your relationship if you're feeling so possessive about your car. If you're sharing your lives, why wouldn't you share your vehicles? My husband and I have two cars. There's one that I usually drive and one that he usually drives, but that's not always the case if for some reason it works out to be more convenient the other way round. I just can't imagine having your attitude towards an inanimate object when I am sharing my home and my life with someone.

Would you feel the same if he started wearing your underwear and stretched them?

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 23/03/2023 06:26

I don’t get it, you’re happy to live with him but not for him to use your car, this seems very odd.

If you’re unhappy that he takes it without asking so that this somehow inconveniences you, that he doesn’t replace the fuel or that he leaves it messy just tell him. ‘I couldn’t go out yesterday because you took the car without telling me, if you want to use it will you check with me first?’ ‘I went to use the car and there’s hardly any fuel left, if you’re using it can you make sure you replace the fuel’ ‘The car was a proper mess when I got in yesterday because you drove it in your work clothes, I want my car to be clean so can you make sure it doesn’t get messy’

If the car thing bothers you that much, suggest he buys a little runaround. If I were him though I’d think you were quite selfish and a bit weird.

Phoebo · 23/03/2023 06:58

I'd find it annoying if he hadn't said incase I needed it, but if the seat and mirrors are moved then no, that's super annoying! I mean it shouldn't be a big deal, but I think it does show a lack of respect tbh and not a great sign of things to come

LlynTegid · 23/03/2023 07:16

Seats and mirrors have to be moved unless you are the same height. No excuse for not changing into clean footwear though, and asking.

ChickenDhansak82 · 23/03/2023 07:19

If you don't want him using your car then just tell him.

If you can't communicate about something this basic then it isn't a great sign for your relationship!

whateverwillbewillbewontit · 23/03/2023 07:30

Just having my morning coffee and a bit of a giggle at all the posters who think OP should break up a long term relationship over this. 😂

I wouldn't have a problem with this. Driving a big van to a corner shop is a pain. It makes total sense to me, though I would ask that he leaves it as he finds it.

Original poster
Ozzielass · 23/03/2023 07:50

RhubarbFairy · 22/03/2023 20:01

Tell him straight. Don't drive my fucking car. And stash your keys so he can't take it without you realising.

I never drive DHs car because he's precious about it. He used to do the same as your DP with my previous cars. Mostly because he saw them as the 'family car' even though I paid for all of the running of it and because was precious about his in car parks.
He'd want to take mine so his didn't potentially get knocked. Drove me nuts. And he reversed mine into a post once citing 'I was waiting for the sensors' (he had them, I didn't, he was apologetic and paid for repairs).

When I got my new car, I put my foot down and said it was not a family car. It was MY car that the family go in. And he was not to drive it without my explicit permission.

I told him that I was very happy to share cars and that he was welcome to take mine whenever he pleased, but it was going to work both ways, and I'd have full access to his. He no longer tries to drive mine.*

Unless we're using mine for a long drive. Then he can crack on, and I can snooze. Though it still annoys me to have my mirrors etc messed with.

THIS ! I feel like you GET IT!!

i will be putting my foot down

OP posts:
Original poster
Ozzielass · 23/03/2023 07:52

whateverwillbewillbewontit · 23/03/2023 07:30

Just having my morning coffee and a bit of a giggle at all the posters who think OP should break up a long term relationship over this. 😂

I wouldn't have a problem with this. Driving a big van to a corner shop is a pain. It makes total sense to me, though I would ask that he leaves it as he finds it.

I’m sure it is a pain! But it was absolutely fine before we started living together - and as he’s managed for the last 15 years to do it, I’d like to point out that unless he contributes to my car - it isn’t his !

OP posts:
Cabdiraxman · 23/03/2023 09:03

Under Section 12 of the Theft Act 1968 (TA 1968), taking without consent is defined as taking, or allowing oneself to travel in a vehicle without the owner's permission .

Talk to him about it and explain to him that he should ask first, have the correct insurance, he pays for half the fuel and pays for damage/traffic offences he makes using your car. Surley you wouldn't just get in his van a drive it...

Wombats23 · 23/03/2023 10:36

It popped into my menopausal brain this morning that once you reach my age, it would get handled in a very direct way...

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 10:40

Ozzielass · 22/03/2023 18:40

I haven’t found the words! I was hoping someone might be able to find a polite way of saying

‘stop using my fucking car!’

I'm a bit worried that you have moved in with a man you are nervous of having a simple discussion with.

Especially as the discussion involves consent.

GoodChat · 23/03/2023 10:41

Wombats23 · 23/03/2023 10:36

It popped into my menopausal brain this morning that once you reach my age, it would get handled in a very direct way...

I'm 27 and it was handled in a very direct way when DP used my car without asking, too.

Now he asks.

ConfusedNT · 23/03/2023 10:59

Ozzielass · 23/03/2023 07:52

I’m sure it is a pain! But it was absolutely fine before we started living together - and as he’s managed for the last 15 years to do it, I’d like to point out that unless he contributes to my car - it isn’t his !

Show quote history

Then just point that out to him

He sounds like he's taking the piss a bit but you have also given him mixed signals by putting him on the insurance.

Stop expecting him to read your mind and just tell him what you want or need.

My partner had a habit he sometimes slips back into of not telling me something and just expecting me to work it out and its exhausting. Its not my mental effort to do his communication for him, and expecting me to work out what he wants without him saying it is selfish on his part.

On the other hand if you aren't saying anything because you are scared of his reaction then you have a whole other set of problems.

StrawberryPavlova · 23/03/2023 12:02

He could argue that he has contributed to your car because adding him to your insurance policy has brought your premium down.

lazycats · 23/03/2023 12:04

I wouldn't move in with someone if I felt I had to ask the internet for a way to ask him to stop using my car. But that's just me.