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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my boyfriend to stop using my car?

104 replies

Ozzielass · 22/03/2023 18:32

I have just moved in with my long term boyfriend

he drives a van for his work and I have my own car

everytime he runs an errand after finishing work, he just assumes he can take my car

I understand that his van probably costs more to run, as it’s bigger … but my car is my pride and joy and he doesn’t ask - he just takes the keys and before I notice, I see my car has gone.

am I being unreasonable to ask him to stop using my car as his ‘run around’ car ?

not only this, but he moved the mirrors, the seats and wears his work boots which leaves my car dirty

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 22/03/2023 18:56

Hmmm, tricky one. I'm on the fence.
Unreasonable - taking without permission and not leaving it as you found it, so clean, fuel, seats, mirrors, radio etc
Reasonable - to expect you wouldn't mind and that over time he wouldn't need to ask as it becomes tedious (like saying is it OK if I have a bath)

I'd also take into account all other transport related issues. Who does the bulk of the driving, does he use van outside of work eg taking stuff to tip, picking up a 2nd hand chest of drawers for your sister etc. Who are these little errands in the car for? Him or both of you?
If it's not working maybe he needs to get a run around. I suspect then he'll decide he doesn't 'need' one and he'll make do with the van.

1smallhamsterfoot · 22/03/2023 18:56

Try being an adult and tell him not to?

Frabbits · 22/03/2023 19:01

Ozzielass · 22/03/2023 18:42

He is insured yes, this was done to bring my insurance down but I realise now he sees that as consent to use my car for his runaround whenever he feels like it!

I don’t mind sharing the driving for a big trip or if I am in the car too, but it’s the little drives here and there that he just assumes he can use my car for

Well, to be fair, if you were happy to insure him on it then that pretty much is giving him your consent to drive it.

And I hope you aren't fronting, because you know that's illegal, right?

Lovingmynewbicycle · 22/03/2023 19:04

CalistoNoSolo · 22/03/2023 18:38

Hide the keys and move out again as soon as you can. This is about so much more than him 'borrowing' your car.

I was just about to say this.

Run. Run far away.

19lottie82 · 22/03/2023 19:05

You live together. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. But if it bothers you (which it does) then you’re well within your rights to ask him not to use it.
i would be a bit missed thought if my OH told me not to use his car .

Fallin · 22/03/2023 19:08

My husband takes my car all the time even though he has his own right next to mine he takes it and it drives me mad!!

Aprilx · 22/03/2023 19:08

Ozzielass · 22/03/2023 18:39

I think being serious about moving in and progressing your relationship and getting annoyed about them using your car (aka YOUR belongings without asking) is a bit different no ?

No I am genuinely puzzled. I have only lived with my husband, including before we were married and a car was just something that we both drove when needed (and the first car was my sole purchase). I honestly wouldn’t be living with someone if I felt this strongly about them not driving my car.

katiisa · 22/03/2023 19:09

You need to learn how to share, darling.

Panjandrum123 · 22/03/2023 19:27

You need to talk to him about this but be prepared for him to see you as unreasonable. Yes, he probably should ask but perhaps he doesn’t think he has to if you’re sharing your lives and a home. He should certainly leave it as he found it and not use all your fuel. If you’re going out and he’s buggered off with it, then fair enough. If it’s every night for hours, again, he’s being unreasonable. If he’s a careless driver then you also have a point.You live together, he’s insured to drive the car, it makes sense for him to use it if he’s just nipping out.

But why are you so against him using your car for small errands? Would you rather all his spare cash goes on fuel for his van and there’s less disposable income? I get it’s your pride and joy but cars are only things and that’s why we have insurance. Is there more to this than “it’s my car”?

Be aware that if he’s insured as the main driver but actually that’s you, you’re committing fraud.

FinallyHere · 22/03/2023 19:29

he doesn’t ask - he just takes the keys

He would only ever do that twice with me. The first time I'd explain that it's not ok, if there was a second time, he would be gone.

Ok, having read the thread I'd agree, don't leave your keys out. He is taking that ad an invitation to help yourself.

Itsmyturnnow1 · 22/03/2023 19:30

This wouldn’t bother me at all! He’s insured on it and you benefited as it brought your insurance down.. yet you don’t want him to use it! If I liked someone enough I’d be fine sharing stuff. I would say please change your boots though!

ConfusedNT · 22/03/2023 19:33

You put him on your insurance which he quite likely sees as you being happy for him to drive your car

If you don't want him to drive it you need to have a conversation with him about it instead of hoping he will read your mind

'Stop moving my mirrors and leaving my car dirty' is going to be far easier than 'why aren't you changing nappies and doing the night feeds' if you intend on having children

If you want to be in an equal relationship you have an equal voice. Use it, because his reaction will help you understand whether this is right for you long term or not

Cas112 · 22/03/2023 19:34

You just start nipping about in his van and running errands.. he might take the hint then 😂

As476 · 22/03/2023 19:35

DP is insured on my car and does drive it when he absolutely has to, like when his was in the garage. I don’t drive his at all and am not insured on it. I don’t like him driving it though as he moves EVERYTHING and fiddles with all the dials. Two people are allowed to use my car and they are my colleagues because they don’t touch anything 😂

I realise that sounds weird but I’m in the motor trade - my car is used for work errands all the time and I’m insured to drive anything for work purposes on a separate policy.

Rapapampam · 22/03/2023 19:36

Is he included in the insurance of your car? Can he legally drive it?

America12 · 22/03/2023 19:42

I really don't see the problem.

Tohaveandtohold · 22/03/2023 19:42

This wouldn’t bother me but I think it’s not polite that he just wouldn’t ask.
There are 2 cars in my house and both myself and dh are insured on both of them however there’s one I drive 95% of the time (because it’s bigger, I have the kids most times and the car seat is fitted) so we refer to it as ‘my’ car. Even though dh can take it whenever he wants and I can take ‘his’ car, we still always tell each other if we are taking the other car. It’s just common courtesy

3cats2kids1dog · 22/03/2023 19:43

if it's a works van he has maybe been told not to drive it for personal reasons as this has tax implications (assuming you are in the uk)...

also, happy to have him on your insurance to get your premium down, just not to use it...

all that said, as pps have said, your relationship has more issues if you can't talk about these things like grown ups..

Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2023 19:46

I think you have bigger problems than the car. Take him off of your insurance and I bet you'll see a whole new side of him.

gamerchick · 22/03/2023 19:48

Give the van a shit without asking. It'll spark the conversation about boundaries that you really need to have OP.

gamerchick · 22/03/2023 19:48

*shot

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 19:51

gamerchick · 22/03/2023 19:48

Give the van a shit without asking. It'll spark the conversation about boundaries that you really need to have OP.

Ha shitting in his van might send a message, though.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 22/03/2023 19:54

He should ask rather than just take it, but DH borrows my car and it really doesn't bother me at all.

Sleepy86 · 22/03/2023 19:58

My DH has a work van (his own company) and he very rarely will drive it anywhere outside of work hours for fear of it being broken into and his tools being nicked. If that were to happen it would put him out of business for weeks whilst he sourced new tools and got the van repaired. Could it be that he's just being cautious in the same way?

RhubarbFairy · 22/03/2023 20:01

Tell him straight. Don't drive my fucking car. And stash your keys so he can't take it without you realising.

I never drive DHs car because he's precious about it. He used to do the same as your DP with my previous cars. Mostly because he saw them as the 'family car' even though I paid for all of the running of it and because was precious about his in car parks.
He'd want to take mine so his didn't potentially get knocked. Drove me nuts. And he reversed mine into a post once citing 'I was waiting for the sensors' (he had them, I didn't, he was apologetic and paid for repairs).

When I got my new car, I put my foot down and said it was not a family car. It was MY car that the family go in. And he was not to drive it without my explicit permission.

I told him that I was very happy to share cars and that he was welcome to take mine whenever he pleased, but it was going to work both ways, and I'd have full access to his. He no longer tries to drive mine.*

Unless we're using mine for a long drive. Then he can crack on, and I can snooze. Though it still annoys me to have my mirrors etc messed with.