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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my boyfriend to stop using my car?

104 replies

Ozzielass · 22/03/2023 18:32

I have just moved in with my long term boyfriend

he drives a van for his work and I have my own car

everytime he runs an errand after finishing work, he just assumes he can take my car

I understand that his van probably costs more to run, as it’s bigger … but my car is my pride and joy and he doesn’t ask - he just takes the keys and before I notice, I see my car has gone.

am I being unreasonable to ask him to stop using my car as his ‘run around’ car ?

not only this, but he moved the mirrors, the seats and wears his work boots which leaves my car dirty

OP posts:
pensionconfusion · 22/03/2023 20:02

So he uses your car and your fuel? Does he ever tip up the tank? If not, hide the keys.

My ex used to do this to me to save his petrol. I hid the keys when I was away one weekend. He wasn't pleased.

DeeCeeCherry · 22/03/2023 20:04

So you're ok to use his details to get your insurance payments lower, but it's not ok for him to drive your car? I bet he's down as the main driver too. The nerve of you - I hope when you tell him he removes his name from your car insurance. Pay your own way for being such a cf. Not that you'll say anything anyway, you'll just seethe behind his back on MN but still want him to facilitate cheaper car insurance for you so, this means you'll 🤐

Danikm151 · 22/03/2023 20:05

Take his wallet every time he does it. £10 for car cleaning, £5 towards petrol… he’ll soon stop haha

SkankingWombat · 22/03/2023 20:08

I think you need to learn to share too OP. Leaving it dirty or without fuel is U and needs a word, but running local errands in it makes sense rather than using the less efficient vehicle both financially as a household and environmentally. You need to get more into the team mentality, it isn't your toothbrush he's sharing!
We have 2 cars (and a classic, but we won't count that as it spends more time needing TLC than running 🙈). One is dubbed 'The Family Car' (because it is big enough to fit all the camping gear into) and the other 'DH's car'. For our main day-to-day usage we stick to 'our' vehicle, but for evening extracurricular activity-taxiing, errands, and family outings we just use whatever is on the end of the drive. We have 2 keys for each vehicle, so have a set each.

CheeseMcKnees · 22/03/2023 20:11

I m married my husband because we don’t need to adjust the seat between us 😍

tealady · 22/03/2023 20:14

What's your set up? Have you moved in to his house or yours or started somewhere new together? Just wondering if he sees this as a bonus/payback for you moving in to his place maybe?

But deffo ask him to to clear it with you before he takes it, leave it clean and replace fuel. In an emergency you might need it and he should always check you haven't got plans....

musingsinmidlife · 22/03/2023 20:17

You live together and he is on your insurance. Many people wouldn't be bothered by this - they would see his van as his work van and understand why you share a more convenient and economical car for small errands. If he has a lot of tools in his work van he might also be concerned about theft, it might be harder to park, it uses more gas etc.

I know many many couples who share cars. I don't feel the way you do and I don't think you can expect him to know it bothers you that he drives your car. He sees you as a couple who shares things including a bed, a home and a car. He should be keeping it clean though.

If it really bothers you - then talk to him but don't be mad that he sees sharing between a couple differently than you do . Do you want to draw a line though that you can only use your own belongings and items and must ask before using anything the other bought?

WoofWoofBeachLife · 22/03/2023 20:18

Is it because he's not specifically asked if he can borrow the car? Does he need to ask before using your loo lol 😆 you're sharing a home and a bed, pooling finances and basically building a life together and you're stropping about him using your car. You've used him to get cheaper insurance, we should be telling him ltb lol and run for the hills son 🤣 red bunting everywhere 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Daisybee6 · 22/03/2023 20:21

Just hide your keys so he has to ask you and then say no if you don't want him to

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 22/03/2023 20:29

DH and I never use each others cars unless we’re sharing a long journey or it’s an emergency. We’re both named drivers on each others cars though.

mine is a people carrier full of kids crap, crumbs and generally a bit mucky. His is a saloon and he keeps it immaculate. We prefer to keep to our own.

I wouldn’t be annoyed if he took it without asking if he really needed to but if he kept doing it when his own was sat there, changing the seat & mirrors etc then that would irritate me.

Liz1tummypain · 22/03/2023 20:34

When you share it shows you care. But you could tell him to wear clean clothes and shoes and refund the cost of the petrol.

SkyandSurf · 22/03/2023 20:37

Do you normally have trouble speaking to your boyfriend about things?

Just say 'Could you please just use your own car from now on? I love living with you but I want my car to be my own.'

I don't think you should live with someone you don't feel comfortable expressing basic needs and wishes to.

Does what he wants usually come before what you're comfortable with?

Identifyingasadolphin · 22/03/2023 20:39

Keep your keys in your knicker drawer
and ask him if you can use his van to help your mates move some heavy furniture next weekend 😃

MeridianB · 22/03/2023 20:40

He should ask every time. But it sounds like you just want him to stop using it. Leaving it messy and with the seat and mirrors changed is rude, as its not a shared car but he’s treating it like one (apart from paying for it!!!).

Also, frequent short trips are bad for the exhaust. I bet it will suddenly be your car again when it needs repairing!

Truestorypeeps · 22/03/2023 20:41

A man's opinion....it would have been decent of him to say, would you be alright with me using your car sometimes because of XYZ(E.G. I'm not meant to use the van for personal use, the car is nicer to drive). To just take something that doesn't belong to him and not even care to ask is strange,rude, selfish and uncaring to me. And I don't think it's odd for him to ask each time... What if you had plans and needed the car, only to find he's disappeared off somewhere with it?! You'd be rightly fuming.

WildFlowerBees · 22/03/2023 20:44

Ask him 'is there a reason you use my car for your errands instead of your van?' Start a conversation not a row.

Mythicalcreatures · 22/03/2023 20:47

I happily share my car with dp however my exh used to drive my car all the time and acted like it was his, I could never figure out how to ask him not to, I would have no problem telling my dp. Maybe think why you can't tell him, for me it was because I walked on eggshells around exh and that's no way to live

Anonymous48 · 22/03/2023 20:50

To be honest, it sounds like you're not ready for this next stage of your relationship if you're feeling so possessive about your car. If you're sharing your lives, why wouldn't you share your vehicles? My husband and I have two cars. There's one that I usually drive and one that he usually drives, but that's not always the case if for some reason it works out to be more convenient the other way round. I just can't imagine having your attitude towards an inanimate object when I am sharing my home and my life with someone.

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2023 21:04

He doesn't even ask?
But you're worried about how to be polite when you mention it?

That in itself is a problem..

Yanbu. I see some people here share cars. That's fine if they're happy with it. Loads of perfectly happy couples don't.

Truestorypeeps · 22/03/2023 21:05

Anonymous48 · 22/03/2023 20:50

To be honest, it sounds like you're not ready for this next stage of your relationship if you're feeling so possessive about your car. If you're sharing your lives, why wouldn't you share your vehicles? My husband and I have two cars. There's one that I usually drive and one that he usually drives, but that's not always the case if for some reason it works out to be more convenient the other way round. I just can't imagine having your attitude towards an inanimate object when I am sharing my home and my life with someone.

For starters, it's her boyfriend, not her husband. You probably both bought both cars from shared money. There's a very good chance the OP bought her car with her money! His van is parked next to the car. If you aren't taking your own vehicle, surely it's polite and mannerly to ask to use your partners? Hey, do you mind if I use your car? Yeah, sure, no problem! Or, as someone else suggested, sure that's fine as I don't need it right not, oh, by the way, why aren't you using your van? Just because they are a couple, it doesn't automatically mean every single thing in the world is now shared?!

PaigeMatthews · 22/03/2023 21:14

Bottlesofhot · 22/03/2023 18:41

I don't understand why you can't talk to him about it?

This. The fact you cannot have this simple conversation is the main problem.

fwiw, my dh uses my car for popping out. He puts the fuel in both cars so thats bit the issue and we share financies. But it is the moving the seat and the mirror that annoys me every single time!

Anonymous48 · 22/03/2023 21:19

Truestorypeeps · 22/03/2023 21:05

For starters, it's her boyfriend, not her husband. You probably both bought both cars from shared money. There's a very good chance the OP bought her car with her money! His van is parked next to the car. If you aren't taking your own vehicle, surely it's polite and mannerly to ask to use your partners? Hey, do you mind if I use your car? Yeah, sure, no problem! Or, as someone else suggested, sure that's fine as I don't need it right not, oh, by the way, why aren't you using your van? Just because they are a couple, it doesn't automatically mean every single thing in the world is now shared?!

Show quote history

I've never lived with a boyfriend, so I guess I don't know how that would work. I would assume though that if you make a decision to move in together you consider yourself a team and wouldn't be possessive over your individual possessions.

I would also assume that you should feel able to have a conversation about it. Both of these things make me wonder if she should have taken this step in the relationship.

Lilyandroses · 22/03/2023 21:22

I don’t mean this to sound funny although I know it will - but I cannot understand these posts. You’re living together and are a couple, just tell him? Sorry OP I know it sounds harsh but why get so frustrated about it, post on MN when you could just speak to him and tell him how you’re feeling x

HRTeatime · 22/03/2023 21:23

Are you on his van insurance? I’d pop out in his van a few times (just before he needs it) to demonstrate how fucking rude and annoying it is to take someone’s wheels without asking.

Or, if you don’t want to be so passive aggressive, just say “ please stop just taking my car without asking. It’s really fucking rude and entitled”.

NotWastingAnymoreTime · 22/03/2023 21:36

Of course there is nothing wrong with sharing cars, but just because you live together why should common courtesy go out of the window. DH and I have one care between us. We both own it but we still give each other the heads up when we plan to take it, just in case the other one needs it for something more important or to give the other time make other travel arrangements.

Those saying you should alow your dp access to everything because you're living together are wilfully ignoring the part where OP says he doesn't ask permission first and leaves it dirty. The car belongs to the OP. He has no idea whether OP had planned to use it and thinks his needs trumps hers, so hasn't even bothered to check.

All these people saying her partner has done NOTHING wrong must be the CFs who borrow things and have the brass neck to hand it back dirty.