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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about lying about cancer ?

72 replies

Cinderellaspumpkin · 22/03/2023 17:19

I know someone, who's behaviour appears to be very "unusual."

She's recently told myself and several others she's receiving chemotherapy for cancer , ( she's 40, has three young boys). Obviously we were all incredibly sympathetic.

However she's openly ( on Facebook) , going drinking , holidays, ( albeit UK. based holidays), nights out and days out with the kids , photos doing shots on nights out, all mid-cycle.

E.g she will post a status on a Wednesday that she has chemotherapy and then two days later, on Friday, be posting pictures of herself taking shots on a night out .

Her hair hasn't fallen out and she hasn't lost weight, but I know that doesn't always happen with chemotherapy.

However I remember when my mum had chemotherapy, ( and ultimately my mum survived cancer) , she didn't have the energy to go shopping, let alone nights out, mid cycle.

There's something that smells very "off" about this , ( and a long history of attention seeking behaviour), but AIBU to wonder if there's something odd going on ?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 22/03/2023 17:20

Doesn't anyone question this? Doesn't anyone say I thought you wouldn't be feeling well given you are on chemo…?

AnnaMagnani · 22/03/2023 17:23

It's unlikely she'd be out doing shots.

As you say, not everyone loses their hair, not everyone loses weight or feels bad but regular updates of clubbing would be a very tiny minority.

Has she said what cancer she has?

BreviloquentBastard · 22/03/2023 17:26

My sister was like this when she went through chemo to be fair, she still went out and drank and lived it up as much as possible - she'd often sleep for days after but somehow she was able to summon the energy to keep being her usual wild self in-between.

However she did look ill, very pale and drawn and while her hair didn't fall out entirely it did thin a lot. She just had some godly reserve of energy stashed away somewhere for partying. She was 23 at the time which probably helped.

I imagine she's probably a tiny minority though, it does sound suspicious to me, but I don't see that there's anything to be gained from accusing her of faking?

Hiouo · 22/03/2023 17:26

I actually felt ok on Chemo, I didn’t lose my hair, or weight, in fact to look at me you wouldn’t even know I was ill to be honest. I felt a bit like a fraud! I guess you just can’t judge on appearances alone.

Emmamoo89 · 22/03/2023 17:26

I know someone who went through chemo and her hair didn't fall out and had days you can still do things eg drink or go out.

MrsPinkCock · 22/03/2023 17:27

I’ve met two people who faked cancer (through my work) and both of them were seriously messed up people who both came from DV households.

The first reason questions were asked was behaviour exactly like your friends. She was faking having terminal cancer for 12 months and had everybody fooled.

Chemo makes you feel poorly, even if you don’t lose your hair. Does she have a history of MH issues?

Chickenly · 22/03/2023 17:27

I had cancer and, at the time, I didn’t tell anyone except DH. I posted pictures of me doing other things (not shots though) on Facebook that were largely old photos - it was a bit of an escape for me. I didn’t have chemo though and I didn’t lose my hair (on my head).

On balance, you’re probably correct but you may not be.

Tealsofa · 22/03/2023 17:27

Its a tough one, i think all you can do is keep your head down and not get involved

Nimbostratus100 · 22/03/2023 17:30

I have cancer, I am undergoing chemo. I am on steroids, causing steady weight gain. I have chosen to shave my head, but many other patients choose to use a cold cap, to try and save their hair. I have been advised not to drink alcohol( and I don't drink) however, other patients I know are ignoring that advice, and saying they just want to enjoy life - their choice.

Sometimes I feel great, sometimes I feel terrible, sometimes I react to chemo straight away and sometimes the side effects hit a week later

I have been advised to go out every single day, no matter how bad I feel.

From what you have said, she could well have cancer and be on chemo.

Also, if she was pretending, I suspect she would pretend harder

Sapphire387 · 22/03/2023 17:32

My first DH went out running barely a week after brain surgery for brain cancer (against medical advice, I might add). He kept all this up during chemo, and didn't feel particularly drained, but pretty much lived his normal life.

Accusing someone of 'faking cancer' would be pretty serious, imagine how awful you would feel if you were wrong.

Rebel2 · 22/03/2023 17:36

I dunno, I have a peloton and have been following Leanne and not a clue she had breast cancer despite taking all her classes

She taught all her classes around chemo
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/health-fitness/body/taught-peloton-classes-having-chemotherapy-breast-cancer/

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 22/03/2023 17:37

She could be on a low dose of chemotherapy. A relative of mine was and she only had mild side effects. However unfortunately more cancer has been discovered and she’s going to be put on a stronger dose after her third surgery.

Original poster
Cinderellaspumpkin · 22/03/2023 17:56

I could never confront her, as I'd feel awful if I got it wrong. I am suspicious though

OP posts:
uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 22/03/2023 18:04

It's so difficult isn't it? I've got a client who I'm fairly sure is lying about having cancer because I've seen no evidence and lots of other things aren't adding up. STILL, I can't confront her but I do challenge her about inconsistencies. Other agencies involved have also "off the record" said the same thing to me.

Bigminnie1 · 22/03/2023 18:11

I have lymphoma. I am currently having chemo. I have told very few people, not even my DD. No one would have a clue. I look the same and am still going out , seeing friends etc.
I am not out dancing and drinking but that's more because I can't be arsed! To be fair, I wouldn't go to a big event right after chemo but a week or so later, I would if there was one.
So it could well be true.

JlL2013 · 22/03/2023 18:25

Tricky one. I worked, went out, did school run etc. it was the radiotherapy that put me off drinking rather than the chemo. The steroids they gave me, I felt great after chemo.

My hair didn't fall out either but it doesn't with all chemo. I had a type called Cisplatin.

Really hope people didn't think I was a fraud! I just wanted to keep things normal and quite frankly pretend it wasn't happening.

poetryandwine · 22/03/2023 18:35

DH had a compromised immune system during his chemo so you wouldn’t have found him in a crowded pub.
He handled the chemo very well, so aside from staying out of crowds this could have been him. It’s tricky.

begoneday · 22/03/2023 18:41

There is no way of finding out for sure, without causing upset and drama. A friend lied about having cancer when I was younger, it is a very strange thing to do. If she is lying, you will find out eventually but until then, I'd just assume she is telling the truth. Unless she starts setting up Go Fund Me's for her treatment !

Badbadbunny · 22/03/2023 18:43

Not all cancers are the same, not all chemo treatment causes the same symptoms. Side effects vary at different stages of the treatment. Some chemo causes almost instant side effects, other forms of chemo causes side effects that start minor and then build up as treatment continues. Some chemos are administered by infusion/drip, some by injection and some by drugs. It's all different really!

When my OH was on his strongest treatment which was a 3 week course, followed by a week off, then another 3 weeks, etc., he barely had side effects on week 1, then they started on week 2 and by the end of week 3, they were severe and he barely had the strength to leave the house, hence then having a week off to recover ready to start again on week 1. He did everything he normally did on weeks 1 and 2.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/03/2023 18:44

This thread does make me wonder if anyone thinks my cancer is fraudulent... I bet they do

poetryandwine · 22/03/2023 18:47

@Nimbostratus100 very sorry to hear that you are in the trenches. Best wishes

purplesky18 · 22/03/2023 18:49

I know a person who lied about having terminal cancer, his mother was beside herself and raised lots of funds etc. Only for him to blurt out it was all a lie. The family cut all contact and he’s been shunned. My own dad used to use terminal cancer as a loose tactic to try to control my mother. He’s had serious terminal cancer for 25 years it’s quite a miracle really. We are also NC. Humans are strange, however I would keep it to yourself just incase you are wrong!

CaroleSinger · 22/03/2023 18:49

I suppose just ho!d your counsel. You might never find out. On the other hand something might get exposed along the line.

housemaus · 22/03/2023 18:50

Also, if she was pretending, I suspect she would pretend harder

This. I actually know someone who faked (terminal) cancer until it was no longer possible as they had lived so long they'd have been a medical miracle and had to come clean. They really leaned into it - lots of looking ill and sympathy garnering posts, shaved their head, lost lots of weight intentionally, the whole 9 yards.

People don't invent these things for no reason: it's for attention and sympathy. Looking like the idea of a cancer patient would be part of that to maximise the response they get.

TenTwentyAtCheltenhamSandwich · 22/03/2023 18:53

When I went out I put on the act of a lifetime, no one hears your screams behind closed doors. I laughed hysterically, cried like someone had died, slept about 20 hours a day, gained 3 stone, & my hair fell out after chemo 3.

I have a different cancer now that I’ve had for many years. It won’t go away, no one knows I have it, no weight loss or gain, no hair loss, just regular procedures that piss me off.