To ask about lying about cancer ?

[Cinderellaspumpkin]

I know someone, who's behaviour appears to be very "unusual."

She's recently told myself and several others she's receiving chemotherapy for cancer , ( she's 40, has three young boys). Obviously we were all incredibly sympathetic.

However she's openly ( on Facebook) , going drinking , holidays, ( albeit UK. based holidays), nights out and days out with the kids , photos doing shots on nights out, all mid-cycle.

E.g she will post a status on a Wednesday that she has chemotherapy and then two days later, on Friday, be posting pictures of herself taking shots on a night out .

Her hair hasn't fallen out and she hasn't lost weight, but I know that doesn't always happen with chemotherapy.

However I remember when my mum had chemotherapy, ( and ultimately my mum survived cancer) , she didn't have the energy to go shopping, let alone nights out, mid cycle.

There's something that smells very "off" about this , ( and a long history of attention seeking behaviour), but AIBU to wonder if there's something odd going on ?

Maybe she's faking the partying? Having a photo with a shot glass isn't doing shots. A picture dressed up in a club doesn't mean you're dancing till dawn. Maybe she uses SM to show the life she wants to appear to be living rather than the one she actually is. She wouldn't be the first after all.

I know someone who was relatively unaffected by cancer treatment, not everyone looks really unwell.
Just because a photo shows her partying, it doesn’t show you how she felt afterwards, she might have slept for days afterwards.
The worst thing you can do to someone is gaslight them about their illness if they are really ill, so I would be cautious of making any accusations or gossiping. You will look very bad if she is telling the truth.

Some chemo drugs are used in low doses for other things. Methotrexate is often used for skin conditions.

Don't be too quick to judge, you simply don't know

My dad had chemo for lung cancer.. he had it removed and the chemo was a preventative. He had no symptoms from the cancer or the chemo.. it was an incidental finding.
A work colleague once told us she had bowel cancer, she didn’t.. she had pre-cancerous polyps. She lied about everything all the time and then karma bit her on the bum as her mum died from bowel cancer!!

Not all chemo is the same. I had a series of treatments (all on Wednesdays), slept through Thursdays, and was back to normal by Saturday mornings.

I wasn't doing shots but I don't drink anyway. I didn't lose weight. If anything I gained a little because I felt less like exercising.

I lost my hair but switched to a wig which I wore for four and a half months. Few people were aware.

Your acquaintance might just be putting on a brave face. It might be fiction. I don't think you can assume.

My friend's husband pretended to have a brain tumour that involved travelling abroad for rare treatment and was the reason they decided against another baby. It was all lies. So I know people do fake it.

She could be having more targeted therapy that may not have the same side effects that are associated traditionally with a cancer patient but she would be advised not to drink because of the strain on the liver. That said i have had patients do all sorts of unadvised things (one who went clubbing whilst attached to treatment……)

I had an ex years ago that lied about having cancer. It seems appalling but some people do.

If the person doesn’t affect you too much then I’d try and ignore your worries until it’s evident. I understand the predicament of questioning if this is real as a good friend pretended to have terminal cancer. they used this in awful way. It can happen so it’s fine to internally question. If they are impacting upon your life badly then it’s a lot trickier and I feel for you - it’s very hard to protect yourself in these scenarios as questioning if someone is lying about cancer is not taken well! Of course it could all be true but some do lie (even though that seems unimaginable)

I'm sadly related to an attention seeker who has faked cancer multiple times. But she didn't go out and posted photos of her in bed/looking ill. Surely if your friend is faking it she wouldn't be posting like that?

thank you xx

My only experience of someone faking cancer, which must be so so rare, was a teacher in a local high school - but she went the whole hog and shaved her head, forged NHS letters and reports, wrote a blog, etc.

Someone I know has recently passed away after having cancer for 5 years. For the most recent 2 years she looked the best she ever had, living life to the full, until the last 8 weeks.

I don't know of any way of raising your suspicions that could possibly end well based on "she just doesn't seem ill enough" which is essentially what you're saying.

To add some context, she is the next door neighbor of my elderly aunt. The family have been concerned for some time that she behaves in a very odd manner , ( frequent Facebook conversions and deconversions to minority religions), and is frequently asking my aunt for money/ babysitting.

There is a long history of her saying things which don't appear to be true.

E.g a year or so ago age was apparently traumatised from being mugged in the street, ( bag with phone/ purse violently snatched). Yet apparently the police "refused to give her a crime reference number for her insurance as there was no CCTV of the mugging" which led to my elderly aunt feeling obliged to buy her a new , SIM only smartphone. I know full well you don't need CCTV of a robbing for the police to give you a crime reference number.

Or six months ago, ( shortly before the cancer diagnosis), I asked how she was and she said "she'd been to a 12 week scan yesterday and was devastated as they'd diagnosed a missed miscarriage and she was going in for surgical management next week ." I told her how sorry I was , but then realized literally days before, she'd posted statuses about being on the wine/ shots that night / pictures of her clearly drinking when she was supposedly 11 weeks pregnant.

I keep her on Facebook as I'm concerned for my aunt's welfare .

Cancer is a broad term for a range of diseases of varying seriousness. A friend had early stage cancer and after a short course of chemo was fine. It made her a bit more tired, but when she was out others would not have seen any difference.

Also to add , another time we were convinced she was lying was a couple of years ago ,was there was a lot of hysterics about her cat dying unexpectedly in the middle of the night. Aunt paid cremation costs etc for cat....three weeks later she was seen with the exact same cat, same markings, same age , same behaviours etc. She said she showed the local car shelter a picture of her cat and asked to adopt one that looks exactly the same to help her with her grief. But as a family , ( except aunt, who won't here a word against her ), we are utterly convinced it is the same cat.

I hope this provides some context why we suspect she may not be being truthful .

*cat

Intresting - what were the cremation costs?

Also, can you persuade your aunt to pay these things directly, eg to the vet

You can explain to her that her neighbour will be investigated/get into troubel /have her benefits stopped if money goes through her?

And some cancers eg head sarcomas don’t respond to chemo. So she may be being treated in a different way

£200.00 cremation costs - I have no idea if that is legit price wise or not ( obviously not legit in this case as same cat still alive ) , as I have never been through pet bereavement/ funerals.

She says she has cervical cancer.

@purplesky18

He’s had serious terminal cancer for 25 years it’s quite a miracle really.

That's quite possible. My OH has incurable cancer (blood cell), and is on semi-permanent chemotherapy to keep it under control and supplement the job of the blood cells. 5 years ago when it was first diagnosed, he was told that he could die within months, average "lifespan" from diagnosis was several years but that some patients simply continued their life indefinitely whilst on chemo which could be 10,20, 30 years in extreme cases, depending on how well his body responding to the drugs. In his case, it's the body's lack of being able to fight infections etc that will probably kill him, which can happen at any time, rather than the cancer itself which would just debilitate him if left untreated. So chemo is to give him a "normal" life, but it's the chemo that will probably cause death when he gets an infection, which can happen at any time.

At the end of the day "cancer" isn't a single disease. It's a group of diseases which all have their own different causes, effects and treatments.

It sounds suspect, but ultimately I would leave her to it. You don’t want to be the one wagging a finger, so I would back off and be polite but leave her to it. If she is really seriously Ill it will come to light eventually and the same if she is faking it.

In light of your update and her history of lying I think it’s quite obvious she is lying about cancer. I’d be worried she is using it to get more money from your elderly Aunt.

I guess you will know if she is lying when having cancer causes your aunt to spend money on her.

I have a friend who I suspect may be lying about cancer who is very lonely and attention seeking generally. I would never call her out on it though.

I knew someone who faked their parent’s cancer and death. Later was found out. So it’s entirely possible

It happens
Someone in our Community got cancer, I was a bit suspicious but thought that I was probably being awful so didn’t say anything but didn’t get involved either. A good friend of mine ended up giving this person lifts all over the place and providing childcare while they “had chemo”. Turns out they were actually facing a trial for fraud and were hoping for sympathy when it kicked off