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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want husband to stop going to karate.

54 replies

GirlsAndPenguins · 22/03/2023 17:07

Myself and DH have been together for 10 years and have a 3 year old and 1 month old.
DH is a great Dad. When I came back from hospital post c-section he slept on the sofa with baby in the Moses basket so he could do all the night feeds and I could recover for a few days.
My issue is after 2 weeks he went back to work and also back to karate. He goes 1-2 nights a week. I’m now doing all night times as he has work. Baby is up until 1 am and will sleep until 6am. This is the only sleep I get as after feeding at 6am, toddler is up at 7am.
I was hoping to sleep today (toddler nursery day) but baby has a horrible wrenching cough and won’t settle so has been in my arms all day. Every time I’ve put her down to do something essential like wash bottles she’s screamed. I haven’t even had chance to make a sandwich or get out of my pjs. I know any minute he will walk through the door, drop off tired toddler and be out again in 15 mins for karate. I can’t wrestle with toddler at bedtime as still only 4 weeks post c section it’s too difficult so she will just stay up until he returns and can put her to bed.
He has been going for like 20 years and has his own class on 1 of the days. He can’t just not turn up as there would be loads of people (including children) waiting outside for him.
I think what annoys me is it’s a hobby that I have to support him to do. He treats it like it’s a job, often complaining about it.
I just want him here to help me!
Would it be unreasonable to ask him to quit?

OP posts:
Marchforward · 22/03/2023 17:08

I think you wouldn’t be unreasonable in asking him to take a break from it for a while.

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 17:09

YABU. Sorry OP but you can't just ask him to quit if he runs his own classes. What time does he get home if he leaves so early? Could you not just keep the toddler up if they don't go to bed easily?

Lcb123 · 22/03/2023 17:09

Maybe this is unpopular opinion but I think you would be unreasonable to make him quit. By all means suggest he could pause, but 1 night a week seems pretty fine. Then you get 1 night doing what you want.

Nothingbuttheglory · 22/03/2023 17:10

He needs to just run his own class and not do the others for a few months.

BreviloquentBastard · 22/03/2023 17:10

You'd be unreasonable to ask him to quit his 20 year hobby completely, but not unreasonable at all to ask him to take some time off or reduce his time doing it to pitch in at home. You and the children should be his priority.

Snowpaw · 22/03/2023 17:11

I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask him to stop until you are recovered from surgery. Or he pays a babysitter type person to come and help you out on the evenings he isn't there.

JudgeRudy · 22/03/2023 17:11

GirlsAndPenguins · 22/03/2023 17:07

Myself and DH have been together for 10 years and have a 3 year old and 1 month old.
DH is a great Dad. When I came back from hospital post c-section he slept on the sofa with baby in the Moses basket so he could do all the night feeds and I could recover for a few days.
My issue is after 2 weeks he went back to work and also back to karate. He goes 1-2 nights a week. I’m now doing all night times as he has work. Baby is up until 1 am and will sleep until 6am. This is the only sleep I get as after feeding at 6am, toddler is up at 7am.
I was hoping to sleep today (toddler nursery day) but baby has a horrible wrenching cough and won’t settle so has been in my arms all day. Every time I’ve put her down to do something essential like wash bottles she’s screamed. I haven’t even had chance to make a sandwich or get out of my pjs. I know any minute he will walk through the door, drop off tired toddler and be out again in 15 mins for karate. I can’t wrestle with toddler at bedtime as still only 4 weeks post c section it’s too difficult so she will just stay up until he returns and can put her to bed.
He has been going for like 20 years and has his own class on 1 of the days. He can’t just not turn up as there would be loads of people (including children) waiting outside for him.
I think what annoys me is it’s a hobby that I have to support him to do. He treats it like it’s a job, often complaining about it.
I just want him here to help me!
Would it be unreasonable to ask him to quit?

Surely there's a compromise. Maybe agree he gets his teaching night in return for your lie in Saturday morning? Just whilst baby is do needy. Its a year out of his life. You've spread given 9months (twice)

CoconutQueen · 22/03/2023 17:12

YABU, sorry

qwertykeyboards · 22/03/2023 17:12

Yabu to ask him to quit a hobby he has gone to for 20 years. However not unreasonable to ask if he takes a break for awhile.

RoseslnTheHospital · 22/03/2023 17:13

You shouldn't be doing all nights because he has work. He has to recognise that you will end up chronically sleep deprived which is basically torturous. He can give you a break on Fri/Sat nights at least, or some parents manage a split shift kind of system where he does up to a certain point in the evening so you can get a decent block of sleep before you do overnight wakings.

The karate for two nights is not necessarily the issue, if you also get the equivalent time for yourself, whether that's just catching up on sleep or doing your own hobby.

Coffeellama · 22/03/2023 17:13

Asking him to quit is 100% unreasonable. Asking him to take a break for a couple of weeks while you recover properly from the birth would be fine.

Harping0n · 22/03/2023 17:16

Could you get some short term help for the one night a week - babysitter from a website site like sitters or a teenager or older person. To help with dinner/bottle/run bath play with toddler or even just load the dishwasher/stick a wash on.
A sling is great for screamy days.
DH would take the baby Friday and Saturday night. I did. Sunday to Thursday.
He would take the baby and toddler out Saturday morning from 8:30- 11:30 to the park/coffee. I went back to bed.
He was also doing professional exams (just to give some context)

I really really get what you are saying about the Karate. But maybe it is his piece of sanity/normality.

cartagenagina · 22/03/2023 17:16

Your baby sleeps 1-6 each night? That’s amazing!!

Anyway, it would be unreasonable to tell DH he has to stop karate. Not doing the session he doesn’t teach, for maybe two months might be more reasonable.

Can he do nights with baby on Friday and Saturday?

Meandfour · 22/03/2023 17:20

YABU.

Your post made it sound like you are only going to bed after the baby’s 1am feed; why aren’t you going to bed at a good time to get another few hours before the 1am feed?

SapphosRock · 22/03/2023 17:21

Put the baby in a sling so you can get stuff done.

YABU to ask him to quit but as other posters said a break is reasonable.

DPotter · 22/03/2023 17:22

Even if you run your own class - there are times when you need to cancel for illness either your own or that of a family member. At least that's the case if you're female. Men rarely seem to see things that way.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask him to cancel tonight - the baby is sick, you're on your knees from sleep deprivation - he needs to think of his family first. He hasn't even got the 'excuse' / reason that it's a job and therefore he could loose money.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/03/2023 17:24

is it voluntary or paid? just curious, but either way, no don't ask him to quit.

GrumpyPanda · 22/03/2023 17:25

Female martial artist of several decades here (not karate.) Disagree with those who think you're completely BU. In the dojos I've been a member of, it's been quite common for new parents of either sex to take a year or two off. Teaching nights can usually be reassigned, although it will depend on how established the dojo is and hence, how many senior students it has who would be able to step in.

I'd ask him to see about finding a substitute for the regular slot, maybe continuing to attend a couple of times a month for special occasions and to keep an eye on things. Yes he'll get out of shape but muscle memory is amazing in budo and sometimes it's actually useful to have a period of practicing kata (set series of movements) in your head for reinforcement.

Oh and whatever you do, for heaven's sake don't call it a "hobby", that's just soo completely alien to the culture.

Daisydu · 22/03/2023 17:35

I would ask him to have a break from it for a bit. Maybe a month or 2, while you recover fully and baby gets into a better sleeping routine. I really don’t think that’s unreasonable

Original poster
GirlsAndPenguins · 22/03/2023 17:41

Thanks! Yes I see that hobby never goes down well, I just don’t understand why?! 😂. It’s like a lifestyle choice!

OP posts:
thenightsky · 22/03/2023 17:49

My DH has done karate since he was 18 and he's now 68 and still teaching 3 times a week.

I do remember feeling a bit stressed out sometimes, but he was always prepared to get up early (sometimes 4am) with a screaming baby and walk them in the pram so I could sleep. He also did most of the housework on a Saturday. Its a compromise thing.

Once the kids reached 6 years old, I packed them off to karate with him, meaning I got three nights a week from 5.30pm to 8.30pm child free. I took up swimming and running.

Oblomov23 · 22/03/2023 17:52

"Baby is up until 1 am and will sleep until 6am."

Surely this is the problem. 5 hours.

I had major trouble with ds2 sleeping when he was born. But eventually they were both sleeping 7pm-6am.

Goodread1 · 22/03/2023 18:07

Hi Op
I can totally get your at wits end,

I would do a compromise that suits both of your needs,
Your husbands cuts down reduces how many nights he spends at karate,
He just attends the karate classes he teaches at,

So he supports you more, and or you have trustworthy family member or a good friend or a reputable paid mother's help babysitter services to help you,

It's unfair on you especially at this stage when naturally your baby 👶 is going to be Needy,

It's natural to feel being a first time mom especially to feel over whelmed ,but obviously you need to surround yourself with as much support as possible,
Your husband priority should be towards you and his new baby ,family,

Obviously both of you still need to retain your sanity and identities, you both parents but individuals aswell,
Hence its healthy to have a balanced way of doing stuff,
Such as you having outside interests, hobby ,meeting up with friends at a cafe for a catch up ect

Goodread1 · 22/03/2023 18:11

Husband cuts back how many hours nights for a while until baby gets older more manageable or you have alternative support aswell in place

MysteryBelle · 22/03/2023 18:24

Have him explain to karate people that he needs to stop coming for a couple of months +, then he will resume when the baby is on a better sleep schedule.

You need sleep and help!