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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want husband to stop going to karate.

54 replies

GirlsAndPenguins · 22/03/2023 17:07

Myself and DH have been together for 10 years and have a 3 year old and 1 month old.
DH is a great Dad. When I came back from hospital post c-section he slept on the sofa with baby in the Moses basket so he could do all the night feeds and I could recover for a few days.
My issue is after 2 weeks he went back to work and also back to karate. He goes 1-2 nights a week. I’m now doing all night times as he has work. Baby is up until 1 am and will sleep until 6am. This is the only sleep I get as after feeding at 6am, toddler is up at 7am.
I was hoping to sleep today (toddler nursery day) but baby has a horrible wrenching cough and won’t settle so has been in my arms all day. Every time I’ve put her down to do something essential like wash bottles she’s screamed. I haven’t even had chance to make a sandwich or get out of my pjs. I know any minute he will walk through the door, drop off tired toddler and be out again in 15 mins for karate. I can’t wrestle with toddler at bedtime as still only 4 weeks post c section it’s too difficult so she will just stay up until he returns and can put her to bed.
He has been going for like 20 years and has his own class on 1 of the days. He can’t just not turn up as there would be loads of people (including children) waiting outside for him.
I think what annoys me is it’s a hobby that I have to support him to do. He treats it like it’s a job, often complaining about it.
I just want him here to help me!
Would it be unreasonable to ask him to quit?

OP posts:
jellybeanteaparty · 22/03/2023 18:35

It sounds like your husband is pretty engaged ,picking up toddler from nursery and happy to put baby to bed when he gets in from karate. Sounds like a discussion about weekend break for you might be the solution?

DizzyLizzyKizzy · 22/03/2023 19:10

thenightsky · 22/03/2023 17:49

My DH has done karate since he was 18 and he's now 68 and still teaching 3 times a week.

I do remember feeling a bit stressed out sometimes, but he was always prepared to get up early (sometimes 4am) with a screaming baby and walk them in the pram so I could sleep. He also did most of the housework on a Saturday. Its a compromise thing.

Once the kids reached 6 years old, I packed them off to karate with him, meaning I got three nights a week from 5.30pm to 8.30pm child free. I took up swimming and running.

Perfect!

Original poster
GirlsAndPenguins · 22/03/2023 21:28

Thanks everyone!
I think I knew I was being unreasonable, I have always been happy for him to continue the karate as he has done worked hard for many years at it. I was just at the point of sobbing mess exhaustion, where I wanted to scream ‘please don’t leave me!’
I think for me it just feels like his life goes back to a normal schedule (work, karate, people!!) quicker than mine!
Due to the c section I still can’t drive so can’t meet up with friends (most of whom work full time anyways) so I’m pretty housebound at the moment, tired and wanted some company! I’m at that stage where you watch a 3 hour documentary and couldn’t give a 5 minute speech on what it was about 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️.
I only did 2 weeks of this last time as we went into lockdown so he was always here!
Anyways, he came in, put toddler to bed, gave me some tips for tomorrow ( like why didn’t I try the mamaroo…sleep deprived and not thinking of clear solutions) and has sent me to bed while he stays up with baby for a bit. Hopefully some sleep will make everything seem calmer in the morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlsAndPenguins · 22/03/2023 21:29

thenightsky · 22/03/2023 17:49

My DH has done karate since he was 18 and he's now 68 and still teaching 3 times a week.

I do remember feeling a bit stressed out sometimes, but he was always prepared to get up early (sometimes 4am) with a screaming baby and walk them in the pram so I could sleep. He also did most of the housework on a Saturday. Its a compromise thing.

Once the kids reached 6 years old, I packed them off to karate with him, meaning I got three nights a week from 5.30pm to 8.30pm child free. I took up swimming and running.

This is something to look forward to!
I will ship them all off to karate and have peace 😊

OP posts:
Paq · 22/03/2023 22:51

I think that (1) this is probably something you should have talked about before the baby arrived and (2) a good dad would have realised without having to be "asked" that his wife was struggling and unhappy.

It really doesn't matter that other women could cope, the OP is tired and stressed and her husband being oblivious denigrates their relationship in the same way as "leaving a cup by the sink".

He doesn't have to give up entirely but cutting back or taking a break for a few months seems like the right thing to do.

Karatequeen · 22/03/2023 22:58

If you or the kids are sick he should cancel to look after everyone. Otherwise it’s fine for him to attend karate once or twice a week.

if he works Monday to Friday, there’s no reason why he can’t do the Thursday Friday Saturday night feeds.

or alternatively split them so he does every 1am feed while you sleep and you do every 6am feed (plus kiddie care) while he sleeps.

or you do every 1am feed while he sleeps and he does every 6am feed (plus kiddie care) while you sleep.

squeakstick · 22/03/2023 23:32

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Having a toddler and a child is so hard. Much harder than going to work on your own. You probably look forward to him getting home and having a break. For him to go out two nights a week and leave you to it is unreasonable. He chose to have kids too. Do you go out and leave him for 2 months evenings a week? I think its perfectly reasonable to ask him to take a break until the baby is older / sleeps more. If he doesn't I would be taking two evenings off myself and leaving him alone with both kids. Preferably on a Saturday / sunday after he's had them all day!

WandaWonder · 22/03/2023 23:42

I would not ask my husband to quit but I would say it's fair for you to get time off too

If i didn't have a hobby out of the house then I would still have the night off to do my own thing

I am not saying you personally but there are parents who choose not to be separated from their children then complain their partner still does normal things and complain how hard they find not having a break, it is a choice just hand the child to the other parent and go out or whatever

It does sound martyrish if not

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/03/2023 23:52

He needs to do more of the share of the load at home . Unless he is a lorry driver or an air traffic controller or something else where if he is really tired then people could die, then he needs to be doing more evenings or night feeds or early morning with the toddler so you can lie in...it doesn't matter what it is, but you need more sleep.

I never understand when there are two parents, and both agree that it's ok for one to be completely on their knees with sleep deprivation while the other gets to have 8 hours uninterrupted because their work is paid outside the house. Most parent can cope with a coupe of shit nights sleep in the week and still do a decent job in paid work...otherwise youd get people getting sacked all over the place whenever their kids had nightmares/ were sick in the night/ wet the bed etc and the parents have to get up. You're looking after a baby, it isnt safe doing that either if you're completely knackered.

Anyway rant over. He needs to do more, he is a parent, he is supposed to have a slightly shit social life and be knackered for a little while!

olympicsrock · 23/03/2023 00:13

I’m surprised at many of these responses. He needs to put the needs of his family before teaching other people’s kids karate.
get a substitute teacher or cancel the classes for a month. You need more support.
If he can’t cancel the classes then any other hobby time has to stop.

2chocolateoranges · 23/03/2023 00:24

I think I you need a better bedtime routine.

what worked for us was I did the 8pm feed and then went to bed at 9pm, dh then did the midnight feed meaning I then did the 4/5am feed . This meaning I had slept from approx 9pm - 4am ish and dh got from just after midnight until he got up for work at 7am.

Both of us got a decent 7hrs sleep which really helped.

Think if he’s done this hobby for 20 years and has his own class it’s a bit unreasonable to ask him to stop.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 23/03/2023 00:30

SapphosRock · 22/03/2023 17:21

Put the baby in a sling so you can get stuff done.

YABU to ask him to quit but as other posters said a break is reasonable.

Slings are not recommended until at least 6 weeks post c section

SleepingStandingUp · 23/03/2023 00:36

Your tired and hormonal so it's OK to be unreasonable but yes, you are.

When you say baby is awake until 11, what time from? 1 month with twins is a blur so I couldn't tell you their sleep patterns but surely they're still sleeping then waking for a feed at 1 and then it feels like they're going to be because they're asleep until 6,rather than they're awake from 9 til 1?

aloris · 23/03/2023 00:43

I don't see why he can't get a substitute for a couple months while he has a newborn baby. Can't stand men who think they should be able to just live their normal life directly after they have a baby, complete with hobbies after work, while the woman is caring for a toddler and nursing the baby around the clock and on her knees from exhaustion. It's as if women are expected to have their entire being swallowed by a child's needs while men are allowed to just do whatever and the wife expected to be grateful if he shows up for a couple hours sometime after work. Why did he have another baby if he wanted to just live his normal life as if he didn't have one? Babies need care and change your life, that goes for him too.

WandaWonder · 23/03/2023 01:46

aloris · 23/03/2023 00:43

I don't see why he can't get a substitute for a couple months while he has a newborn baby. Can't stand men who think they should be able to just live their normal life directly after they have a baby, complete with hobbies after work, while the woman is caring for a toddler and nursing the baby around the clock and on her knees from exhaustion. It's as if women are expected to have their entire being swallowed by a child's needs while men are allowed to just do whatever and the wife expected to be grateful if he shows up for a couple hours sometime after work. Why did he have another baby if he wanted to just live his normal life as if he didn't have one? Babies need care and change your life, that goes for him too.

I had a baby and toddler, child and now teenager and have a normal life and went out and did things same as my husband, no adult who is in a relationship with a grown up needs to martyr themselves

A child does not need to be glued to the mother 24/7

LemonTreeSkies · 23/03/2023 02:16

Wanda, OP is post c-section and can’t drive. That kind of puts the brakes on her going out and doing the same things as her husband.

emptythelitterbox · 23/03/2023 02:42

He should take some time off from it to help you out.

Autienotnautie · 23/03/2023 02:47

You need to explain your struggling and find a solution together.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 23/03/2023 02:54

I have 2 kids, similar age difference, similar issue with a hobby a night or 2 per week and both c sections so first few weeks physically difficult. First time round he restarted his hobby after a pause at 1 month post partum, both of us realised that was too early as I was bf and severely sleep deprived. Second time he took 2 months off and was mindful of times out with that. That was better.

You can ask him to pause for a bit while baby is small, I'd expect him to understand and do that. If not I'd wonder why he felt it's all your responsibility at this difficult stage.

Sunset6 · 23/03/2023 03:17

YANBU - he should give up the sport for about 6 months and (unless he does some sort of special job where lack of sleep is a no-no) should also be doing night feeds. You are in it together with the small kids, and with pregnancy plus c section recovery you’ve no doubt given up at least six months of doing things you like. We’re in a very similar situation and that’s the way it has worked in our marriage.

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 03:39

Marchforward · 22/03/2023 17:08

I think you wouldn’t be unreasonable in asking him to take a break from it for a while.

^^ this

Common sense

Greensage · 23/03/2023 03:39

So your baby is awake from 7pm till 1 am? That's a really long time.

I don't think he's unreasonable to do 2 nights of karate, as long as you get 2 nights a week off (to go to sleep).

Mothership4two · 23/03/2023 03:46

DH loved playing cricket but stopped going to the Sunday games when DS were born and little (would play the occasional evening game). We never had a discussion about it, he just did it.

MissMissive · 23/03/2023 03:58

I don’t think she wants to go out and have hobbies too, she just wants to sleep more. He gets to sleep well and then feels good enough to worn and do his hobby.

Could he do a few shifts until 1am so you can get some unbroken sleep? A compromise? If it makes him not have enough energy for his hobby then he’ll realise.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 23/03/2023 05:02

Why doesn't the baby sleep before 1am?

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