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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents who encourage children to have crushes

56 replies

Giveitarestwillya · 22/03/2023 12:22

I can’t stand parents who encourage and tease their children to have crushes, especially primary age children. I have a friend who always does this, even from reception age, she’s always saying ooo is that your boyfriend/girlfriend just because they are talking to another child. Or my Billy has a crush on your Lola, fuck they are 5years old.

There are also parents at my dcs school who do this, they constantly go on about their DS having a crush on my DD since yr 3/4, every time we see them they go on about how he’s so excited to see her, wearing his best clothes, brushing his hair! They are fucking primary aged kids! My DD is totally embarrassed by it as they openly tease him in front of her. They did the same encouraging their older DCs and it caused nothing but upset for their older DCs getting knocked back, struggling emotionally and mentally pinning for their crush, fuck their 13 tried taking a OD when knocked back from a crush they encouraged.

Kids will get crushes naturally when they get older, why the fuck do they need to egg their kids on, especially at a young age.

Am I being unreasonable to think there is something wrong with parents who do this?

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 22/03/2023 12:23

Absolutely agree.

Lovelyveg80 · 22/03/2023 12:26

Honestly?

One finished primary and the other coming to end and I have never ever known this with either from any parent 😐

Mistressofnone · 22/03/2023 12:27

That's terrible. It would make the children feel they can't be friends with other boys/girls in case their parents try to embarrass them.

Doliveira · 22/03/2023 12:28

I had crushes in primary school but no way would I let my mum know!

Lovelyveg80 · 22/03/2023 12:28

They did the same encouraging their older DCs and it caused nothing but upset for their older DCs getting knocked back, struggling emotionally and mentally pinning for their crush, fuck their 13 tried taking a OD when knocked back from a crush they encouraged.

you must know them very well to know this.
So if you hate it, just distance yourself 🤷‍♀️

Sahara123 · 22/03/2023 12:32

I had this 50 years ago , my parents going on about a particular boy being my boyfriend. I was embarrassed and didn’t understand what they were going on about, because I was 5….
Hated it

AuntieMarys · 22/03/2023 12:33

Hate it. I know a grandmother who does this.

DaysofHoney · 22/03/2023 12:40

In my experience it’s been the kids egging each other on. It started in Yr 2 with my DS, I’m not joking. They’d all ‘partnered up’ and there were weddings and all sorts. I thought it very odd but seemed innocent so kind of spoke to other mums in an ‘isn’t it cute’ way rather than ‘we need to stop this’. I wonder if that’s what’s going on?

CoolCalmCollected · 22/03/2023 12:43

Ugh, totally agree OP. It's gross and I hate it! When my youngest started in reception (a couple of years ago), there was a small group of parents who thought it was amusing to pair up the children who they thought would end up getting married 😳They were all FOUR YEARS OLD at that point.

On the plus side, at least it gave me an early heads up on which parents to swerve!!

ABlindAssassin · 22/03/2023 12:44

My DSIS does this. Her son (age 9) has a girlfriend and she takes them on dates etc. Surely they are just...friends. Who happen to be the opposite sex!
My DS only really played with girls when he was in KS1. They were his friends. I would never have tried turning his friendships into some weird pseudo-romantic thing.

PrincessToad · 22/03/2023 12:45

@Giveitarestwillya have you explained to the other parents that you and DD don't like this and asked them to stop saying it, in front of you both?

stitchy · 22/03/2023 12:45

Yep hate it. It centres boyfriends/girlfriends as being one of the most important things in life from the word go, embarrasses kids and can stop kids from developing normal friendships with the opposite sex.

I saw family members have this when they were kids and now as adults they would rather be in a bad relationship than none at all and I'm sure this is partly because so much importance was placed on who was their boyfriend from the age of 4

AHelpfulHand · 22/03/2023 12:47

I really hate this!

kids don’t have a GF/BF, that sort of stuff is for late teens and adults.

it’s sexualising children

Original poster
Giveitarestwillya · 22/03/2023 12:50

PrincessToad · 22/03/2023 12:45

@Giveitarestwillya have you explained to the other parents that you and DD don't like this and asked them to stop saying it, in front of you both?

Yes, but I’ve tried to be nice and diplomatic about it. I think I just need to say, just give it a rest though.

OP posts:
Ishefuckingkiddingme · 22/03/2023 12:52

My DS’s nursery manager did this recently - I found it very odd.

TheLeadbetterLife · 22/03/2023 12:54

Kids do have crushes at primary age though, whether you egg them on or not. I agree that encouraging them is weird, but you can't pretend young children don't have these feelings just because you're not comfortable with it. Telling them they shouldn't have these feelings until they're older is going to make them feel they're wrong for having them.

I had a desperate crush on one particular boy in my class from about age 8 or 9. Plus Jason Donovan and Andy Crane. No encouragement from my parents.

PrincessToad · 22/03/2023 12:54

@Giveitarestwillya some people can't take hints or choose to ignore them.

I'd just politely but directly say " We/she really doesn't like it when you say that, please stop "

Original poster
Giveitarestwillya · 22/03/2023 12:54

Sahara123 · 22/03/2023 12:32

I had this 50 years ago , my parents going on about a particular boy being my boyfriend. I was embarrassed and didn’t understand what they were going on about, because I was 5….
Hated it

I remember a boy calling me from school, we had just got our first phone so it was exciting getting a call on it, but we had relatives visiting us and they didn’t stop teasing me about having a BF, I was probably 8yo, the next day at school I shouted at the boy to leave me alone and never phone me again. He’d done nothing wrong but I was mortified by the teasing I’d gotten at home and took it out on him.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 12:55

There were a few mums in my son's year who actively encouraged it, and would help their sons by extravagant gifts at valentine's for the girls they liked. They were only in year 4 at the time. I think there are definitely some parents who actively push this stuff

nicetoseetgesunsout · 22/03/2023 12:55

I've had both my son and daughter go through primary and had none of this; they always had lots of friends of both sexes come home to play/go for play dates etc and as young adults now, still do (as do I). Weird and yes very annoying!

SweetSakura · 22/03/2023 12:56

TheLeadbetterLife · 22/03/2023 12:54

Kids do have crushes at primary age though, whether you egg them on or not. I agree that encouraging them is weird, but you can't pretend young children don't have these feelings just because you're not comfortable with it. Telling them they shouldn't have these feelings until they're older is going to make them feel they're wrong for having them.

I had a desperate crush on one particular boy in my class from about age 8 or 9. Plus Jason Donovan and Andy Crane. No encouragement from my parents.

No ones saying to pretend those things aren't normal. It's the active egging on that is problematic.

SnackSizeRaisin · 22/03/2023 12:56

I agree. Parents should never interfere in this way - they should concentrate on their own relationships! I also dislike it when parents encourage "best friends" between children. Just let them be friends with whoever they want!

PrincessToad · 22/03/2023 12:58

@TheLeadbetterLife it's the teasing and the openly discussing it that's making the OP's piss fizz, no one's saying there is a problem with having a crush.

SnackSizeRaisin · 22/03/2023 12:58

TheLeadbetterLife · 22/03/2023 12:54

Kids do have crushes at primary age though, whether you egg them on or not. I agree that encouraging them is weird, but you can't pretend young children don't have these feelings just because you're not comfortable with it. Telling them they shouldn't have these feelings until they're older is going to make them feel they're wrong for having them.

I had a desperate crush on one particular boy in my class from about age 8 or 9. Plus Jason Donovan and Andy Crane. No encouragement from my parents.

That's completely different. Let children decide for themselves - that's fine. Likewise if they want to pretend play getting married or whatever. The problem is the level of parental involvement which is frankly just weird in some cases.

Raineth · 22/03/2023 13:00

Yanbu. Have heard mothers say “Oo is he your boyfriend he hee” so many times and it always feels like mockery. Sure kids might get the occasional crush but wtf is with mums being creepy about it.

It’s always the same mums who say “pink is for girls” and “boys will be boys” instead of disciplining their son, so I guess they’re just thick. 🤷‍♀️