Parents who encourage children to have crushes

[Giveitarestwillya]

I can’t stand parents who encourage and tease their children to have crushes, especially primary age children. I have a friend who always does this, even from reception age, she’s always saying ooo is that your boyfriend/girlfriend just because they are talking to another child. Or my Billy has a crush on your Lola, fuck they are 5years old.

There are also parents at my dcs school who do this, they constantly go on about their DS having a crush on my DD since yr 3/4, every time we see them they go on about how he’s so excited to see her, wearing his best clothes, brushing his hair! They are fucking primary aged kids! My DD is totally embarrassed by it as they openly tease him in front of her. They did the same encouraging their older DCs and it caused nothing but upset for their older DCs getting knocked back, struggling emotionally and mentally pinning for their crush, fuck their 13 tried taking a OD when knocked back from a crush they encouraged.

Kids will get crushes naturally when they get older, why the fuck do they need to egg their kids on, especially at a young age.

Am I being unreasonable to think there is something wrong with parents who do this?

I'm with you OP. I have one friend who would post her DD's 'dates' on FB with lots of hearts and heart eye emojis and whatnot. Her DD was in P1/2. To be fair she's calmed down with now that her DD is in P4 and could potentially have genuine crushes.

I'm sure my DS8 has had or has a crush, but I don't ask.

I also hate when people latch onto a throwaway comment and start asking 'is she your girlfriend?' etc. People have said similar in the past, and I know they're just teasing rather than genuinely believing it, but I do shut it down right away.

It just ruins the idea of friendships. I had a best friend in Yr1, who was a boy, and the moment adults started calling him my boyfriend I remember consciously distancing myself from him, which is shit.

I do, however, make an effort to point out positive/negative behaviour in romantic relationships if it's in a film we're watching. EG. Someone being mean to another person 'because they secretly like them' is not okay. He's not too young to learn that kind of thing.

Had this for my DD with a family friend, who was actively encouraging my DS to tease DD, going “so, who’s her boyfriend then? Come on, tell us!” DD (who was 8 at the time) was mortified. Same woman also said “what are those rotten girls doing to you?” to her grandson, when he was told to leave the girls alone after constantly trying to jump on them, so yeah. She can get to fuck. It’s just creepy.

I’m wondering if there’s a link to parents making sure their child likes the opposite sex.

you never hear a mum say to their daughter, oh is that your girlfriend? Or say to their son.. is that your boyfriend?

it’s always done about the opposite sex.

It makes me 🙄 too. When I was pregnant, someone said, “Ooh, a wife for my little Timmy.” (made up name) The same woman asked me if I was happy it was girl. 🤯 It irritated me way more than I imagined it would and I was also more defensive than I expected to be.

The one that also takes a lot of beating though is: “Well, when boys pick on girls it usually means they have a little crush on them.” No, perhaps they are just bullies.

I hate it. I have a friend who has a year 6 ds who has a 'girlfriend'. They've sent through pictures of them holding hands in the park. The ds is neurodivergent also so more vulnerable. Have friends of a different sex is fine (obviously) but no need to make it romantic in any way.

My mum used to do this. She also said approvingly that my 4 year old DS was flirting with the waitress.

What??? 😲

I agree. Besides the sexualisation of children aspect it's fundamentally heteronormative, if not outright homophobic. Presupposes an outcome on the child which won't necessarily be the case.

Plus it's just icky.

Totally agree with you that it feels so unnatural, just be friends with who you're friends with and if crushes happen later on so be it.

My SIL does it to all 4 of hers especially her oldest and it gives me the creeps, she's a social worker as well which somehow makes it worse, she's sexualising young peoples relationships and I'm not sure of her reasons for doing it.

I always think this too. The double standards in these types of situations absolutely stink!

I've only found this among people who value being popular with the opposite sex and getting married over education and career.

Yep. The waitress chatted to my DS, and when the waitress left the table my mum said something like, oh he's going to be a real ladies man when he has grown up, look at how he was flirting with the waitress.

Ironically when they were teenagers she never once asked about girlfriends or boyfriends as she said she hated those type of questions as a teenager.

I have a “FB” friend who dose this, goes on holiday and every time there will be photos of her dd with her latest holiday BF. One time when dd was about 4 she was photographed with a male waiter about 30 and was gushing how they were inseparable every night and how much her dd was going to miss her BF 🤢 Creepy dosnt even begin to describe it.

A school mum did this with my DS from the age of 5, he was actually friends with her at the time. He ended up eventually completely distancing himself from the girl, won't so much as say hello to her in the corridor at school as they go to the same secondary as well.

She stopped talking to me over it as her Dd asked to be his girlfriend in year 7 and he said he just wanted to be friends. I've no idea what on earth got into the mum!

I thought the same thing. Mil used to do this "is he your boyfriend?" Crap to DD all the time, I used to just say "they're children, they're friends, let's not sexualise it" every time.

Sil was the same so I think they encouraged eachother.

Mil has stopped now as she asked DS if someone was his girlfriend and he said "Yes. Mary is my girlfriend and Joe is my boyfriend" I'm not sure if that made her realise how weird she was actually being or if she was worried he might actually have a boyfriend (at age 3) but she hasn't asked since.

That is seriously creepy 🤢

I agree actually. It's everywhere in my ds's year 1 class and I'm sure it can't have come from the children. They all talk about having boyfriends and girlfriends and can't seem to play with those from the other sex without teasing or saying they're going out, I don't really understand why this is encouraged so young.

I’ve known a few parents over the years with my three do this, right from nursery age.

One parent was especially bad when my son was about 7/8 and was good friends with her little girl.

She wouldn’t stop going on and on about how they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Ds used to get so embarrassed that he stopped wanting to be her friend and do activities with her because her mum used to embarrass him so much. It was a shame as the children really go on.

I kept telling her it was making ds uncontrollable and all I got back was, “no it’s not, it’s cute! He loves her!” It was like talking to a brick wall.

I had this in the 90s. I hated it. I couldn't even look at another boy without my mother going "oooooooo is he your boyfriend?"

My step mum called me a hussy when I was 9 for knocking on a boys door to play in the street...

I'm now mid 30s and if I'm ever tagged in a photo with another man my mum will text me and say "out with the boys again I see" - even though I'm married and my marriage has lasted longer than hers 😂

Thankfully I haven't heard anything like it with my DC and they're year 4 and year 5.

*uncomfortable, not uncontrollable.

Hate it. I knew a mum who actively encouraged her daughter to date from year 5 and would drop her off at the cinema with her 'boyfriend' etc. He dumped her in year 6, and the mum was telling me how positive an experience it was as she had had her heart broken and wouldn't ever be as affected y a breakup again in the future. Absolutely bizarre. Her step dad then told her to hold her head up high and "get back out there again". Eewww. Just wrong on so many levels.

That’s so weird.

DD is 5 and has been calling her best friend her boyfriend for over a year. Claiming she's got a broken heart because she doesn't see him often enough and planning their wedding. The boy in question is similar, has called DD his "true love".

Neither I or boy's mum know where they get this language from, somewhere in school I guess but they do take it terribly seriously. I've talked to ger a bit to say that there is a very good chance she won't always want to marry him and to try and divert her but I neither want to make it a bigger thing than it is or invalidate her feelings. It's a tricky one.

So I don't think I'm pushing the crush thing at all, just encouraging the friendship but it can happen without parental pushing it.

Yes I experienced this from family members looking back it feels as though it was to encourage me to be straight/ girly. Fortunately I had only a bare minimum of that as I was whisked out of my family system for some years