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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS 19 doesn’t really do anything

55 replies

Silverfishing · 22/03/2023 09:21

I’ll start by saying DS is a lovely lad. He has a pt job in a pub which is one shift a week and he’s just handed his notice in, so will be unemployed from next week. I take £50 a month off him. I have 3 other DC and am currently getting UC so money is tight.
problem is, he stays up until all hours on his Xbox, then stays in bed until the afternoon. Rinse repeat. I have 3 other DC to look after, but I’d never expect him to help there. But general house stuff would be nice. He does the dishes maybe once a week and will take out the recycling if I ask him. But that’s it.
AIBU to expect more input from him? It really grates that he stays in bed all bloody day!!

OP posts:

Parker231 · 22/03/2023 09:22

Why is he not working full time or full time studying?

Xrays · 22/03/2023 09:23

Parker231 · 22/03/2023 09:22

Why is he not working full time or full time studying?

This.

TrashyPanda · 22/03/2023 09:25

Parker231 · 22/03/2023 09:22

Why is he not working full time or full time studying?

Yup

and why did he hand in his notice?

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 22/03/2023 09:26

Why are you allowing this? I was very clear with DC. It was full time college, work or volunteering if they wanted to be at home post eighteen. You're doing him a disservice by letting him be lazy and having a free ride as an adult.

FrenchandSaunders · 22/03/2023 09:26

One shift a week and now nothing! Is he studying? He needs to get a full time job, there's enough about in retail/hospitality etc. At least around here.

AgnesX · 22/03/2023 09:28

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Justcallmebebes · 22/03/2023 09:28

In my house he'd have a choice. Either education or full time job. If he chooses neither then he moves out and sponges off someone else

sunstreaming · 22/03/2023 09:31

You are not doing him or yourself any favours. Especially if this set-up results in you having burn out and then being unable to look after anyone (and in the meantime, your son hasn't learnt how to pull his weight). it's tough, but at the moment you are enabling his behaviour and in essence telling him that living like this is OK. It must seem so to him, because his needs for food, clothing, a roof over his head and electricity for the X box are all being provided, so he has no motivation to do anything for himself. You need to explain to him that all the necessities of life have to be paid for and the people get the money to do this by working and getting a wage. And that providing the cooked meals, clean clothes and bedding and a clean environment, is work for someone, which they are generally not even paid for. Whatever he does now, he will need to do more in the future because you can't (and shouldn't) look after him for his whole life. And for his self -esteem and mental health, he need to be mixing with people, learning skills and generally contributing to the household (money or tasks or both) and learning skills so he can support himself and contribute to society. None of this needs to be explained in an angry way or with threats (as so many people seem to do) - just calmly and factually. You and him should be working in partnership and he will gain from working with you as another adult in the team. And he'll be a much more attractive proposition to a future partner too.

FourTeaFallOut · 22/03/2023 09:32

Why did he hand in his notice and what barriers does he have, if any, which are stopping him from working full time?

LadyKenya · 22/03/2023 09:33

Yabu for not saying why he is quitting his job in your OP. That is important information afaik.

Maray1967 · 22/03/2023 09:38

Unless he has significant health issues, it’s full time work or education plus some holiday work. Only those two options apply in this house. I have 2 DS who both love gaming - but who know that full time gaming is not an option here.
Why on earth are you allowing him to live like this? You need a calm but frank discussion with him about what adult life entails - because he is an adult.

whatchaos · 22/03/2023 09:41

I'd expect more input than that from my younger ds who is in full time school! Why does he not help more around the house?

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 22/03/2023 09:44

My 3yo helps out more than that.

He should be in full-time work or education. What’s his plan? What do you do? When my DBro went through a similar stage, my DM got him a job with her and took him in every day until he got the message. Would his income affect your UC?

Mamoun · 22/03/2023 09:47

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😂😂😂 exactly!

OP tell him to stick his fingers out and get a job or study!

Beautiful3 · 22/03/2023 09:47

You should be telling him to go and get a full time job. If he refuses, change the passwork in the internet and stop paying for his phone. Give him chores to do. Don't make his life easy, if he's being lazy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2023 09:50

He should be studying or working - full time.

If you choose to let him doss around doing nothing you’ll have to be prepared to let the other 3 do the same, how’s that going to pan out longer term?

xogossipgirlxo · 22/03/2023 09:51

Old enough to help you with shopping, laundry, cleaning and bit of cooking. Start demanding more help from him.

HoneyPotBee · 22/03/2023 09:52

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Coming to a parenting forum to mock teenagers with mental health problems is never a good look.

berksandbeyond · 22/03/2023 09:53

Do you work? Wonder why he seems to think this is acceptable

user1492757084 · 22/03/2023 09:55

Talk plainly.
"Sonny, you are 19 and you need to support your self.
You need to find work at least 30 hours per week, or be in training or study and work 8 hours per week.
I'm drawing up a roster for you to routinely clean part of the shared zones of the house, assuming you clean own room and do your own washing. Please shop for, cook and clean up one meal for whole family per week and please show a good example to younger kids by getting out of bed and dressed every morning and eating with us at night if you are in."
This should be a bare minimum.
Why does he think he can live off the nation, and youl?

Straightomyhead · 22/03/2023 09:57

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I do not want to agree with what this man is doing and much like many poster believe he should be in work or study.

However I find it highly offensive that you have put health in this way. Mental Health issues are very much real for many of us and not something to be quoted and laughed about.

user1492757084 · 22/03/2023 09:59

Also some sunlight could work wonders.
Have him set up a vegie and herb patch and grow food for household. Ask him to walk dog, or neighbour's dog.
Why does he not like to be a contributor?

sixfoot · 22/03/2023 10:00

Full time study or full time work. They are the two options.

Yellowdays · 22/03/2023 10:02

My own youngest was like this after he left uni. Didn't want a job, and talked about vague mental health issues, which he didn't want to treat. He stayed up gaming till all hours, and bed all day. The usual.

I put up with it for a summer, then I'm afraid I gave him 30 day's notice unless he found a job. Against DH's preference, which was to leave him.

He got a job on day 29. After two weeks dd heard him advising his mates online to get a job, and telling them how much better he was feeling. "Practically normal", apparently!

Itstimeforlunch707 · 22/03/2023 10:09

Moving out definitely makes teens more appreciative of their homes so it's probably time he did that. Where is his father in all of this if you don't mind me asking? Tell him that his other siblings are looking up to him so he should be setting an example. (The only exception to this would be if he is interested in making a career out of gaming so you could ask him if that's the case?) Otherwise, if you are a single parent there is no reason why he shouldn't be helping you with the other kids and the housework.

You have to harden your heart and have a serious word with him. Take him out to lunch or get him alone in the car where he can't avoid you. Tell him that no one gets a free ride in life and although he won't like it now, he will thank you later.

Give him a deadline. You could let him choose to let him have his summer but tell him, come 1st September he either has to be in full time education or ft work or a combination of the two, or that is the day he moves out and fends for himself. That gives him a reasonable chance to get his life in order. And in the meantime, he has to do certain chores and get another pt job to pay his way.

If he protests tell him the following: that his current lack of engagement indicates to you that he doesn't respect the house he is living in currently or the people in it, so it's time to find one that suits him better. Also that you love him too much to see his talents go to waste.

I really feel for you op. This in between stage where they are not fully launched but are not yet ready to take full responsibility for themselves is so **ing stressful. And it's usually us mothers who take the brunt of the stress!

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