DS 19 doesn’t really do anything

[Silverfishing]

I’ll start by saying DS is a lovely lad. He has a pt job in a pub which is one shift a week and he’s just handed his notice in, so will be unemployed from next week. I take £50 a month off him. I have 3 other DC and am currently getting UC so money is tight.
problem is, he stays up until all hours on his Xbox, then stays in bed until the afternoon. Rinse repeat. I have 3 other DC to look after, but I’d never expect him to help there. But general house stuff would be nice. He does the dishes maybe once a week and will take out the recycling if I ask him. But that’s it.
AIBU to expect more input from him? It really grates that he stays in bed all bloody day!!

What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

At that age he should be working or studying or doing a combination of both.

I honestly don't know why you are putting up with this lazy arse shite.

What does he intend to do for money now that he has left his job? How will he pay even the very minimal £50 a month he is currently contributing? What is his long term life plan?

I think my view on the points raised regarding potential poor mental health is that at a 19 year old adult, if his mental health is impacting him from getting a job or furthering his education he should be responsible for making efforts to resolve this. If mental health is the issue, he's old enough to contact his GP, join the waiting list for therapy, improve his sleep hygiene, increase his exercise etc. There are self-help books, meditations online, therapy videos etc, he has plenty of spare time to work on this.

Mental health can be improved in many, many ways so if it transpires that his mental health is the cause, he still has to actively try to improve this.

I would explain to him that although he's decided to hand in his notice at his job, you will still expect your £50 monthly rent and that it will be increasing when he turns 20. He has the two options of either furthering his education/qualifications or to get another full time job. Remaining unemployed is not an option. If he pushes back against this hard, you can remove his devices from the wifi until rent has been paid, to show him that he can't get a free ride with everything handed to him.

If he says that his mental health is struggling, inform him that this is something that the GP can deal with and expect him to seek appropriate treatment. What won't help is allowing him to do nothing - my partner's brother is early 20s, pays no rent to his mum, doesn't work, has no qualifications, sleeps in most of the day and because his mum allows him to do this he has no reason or desire to change.

@HoneyPotBee it's hardly mocking the teen, it's mocking the OP for not providing the context. He's either got unspecified issues, or he's a lazy toad.

On the topic of issues however why is it that so many people are allowed to wallow in their perceived misery and use it as excuse for doing nothing. Yet so many people are expected to pull their finger out and get on with it.

Suspect that is a whole thread in itself.

Justcallmebebes · Today 09:28In my house he'd have a choice. Either education or full time job. If he chooses neither then he moves out and sponges off someone else

^ this

Do you pay for things for him?

The reason I moved out when I was 18 was because I was already paying my own way and was asked to pay rent so decided if I was going to pay rent I would live alone. I had been working since age 15.

My dad stopped buying me anything non-essential at age 16.

Did he have a plan originally for after he left school? Did that plan go well?
Did he do A-Levels/Btec? Were they something he hoped to lead to something (ie a specific job, trade) and it hasn't happened.
It's all very well people saying "he should be in education" but now he is 19 it's more complicated because he might have pay for a course at the local college. He could still do an apprenticeship though.

You are enabling this behaviour.

When my DS turned 18 I made it clear that they had to work or study full time.

With both my DS, I gave them chores from an early age such as making their bed and tidying away their toys. From age 11 they each cooked a meal every week (chose a recipe, I got the ingredients and helped them make it), emptied bins, washed and dried up every day, did housework...

You're letting your DS down by not teaching him basic skills and how the world works. He gives up his job, earns nothing, doesn't help at home? You are the reason why so many women come on here complaining that their husbands/partners are lazy arseholes.

Nothing whatsoever. There are so many of these threads where the full story is dripfed.

@HoneyPotBee

I agree with @AgnesX
As much as mental health is a huge thing that needs to be taken seriously, not feeling great and feeling demotivated & slightly depressed is something we all feel several time / very often in the course of life. We need to deal with it and stop using it as an excuse.

I think you need to go back to AIBU.

OP why did he give up his job when he didn't have anything else to go to? I think you need to forget about worrying about him doing more dishes and get him thinking about his actual future. What does he want to do? How can he get to that point? He sounds a bit lost and in need of support, I wonder if there's a charity or something like the Prince's Trust that could help get him motivated and moving forward.

This is such good advice. Your ds is stuck in a rut op and unless there’s serious mental health issues, he should be pushed to be a good role model to your younger dcs and want to help his mum out.

Sorry why isn’t he looking for full time work? Why isn’t he taking more shifts at the pub instead of quitting? Unless he has SEN he’s living in cloud cuckoo land.

How does he think he’ll ever afford to live or have a home?

Take away the x-box. Get him up at 7.30am each morning and tell him to go out and look for a job every day. Why should he choose not to work?

He needs to go to college and get qualifications or go and get a daily job in a shop, pub, factory or supermarket. And quick, before nobody will hire him.

Why are you enabling this behaviour? He needs a boot up his arse.

The thing is, once they get work they feel better about themselves, and also respect themselves more. They spend less time online. They develop a routine. If they are partaking of the wacky back, they have to stop or limit, or they can't get up for work. Over time they develop a routine, which gives them structure. They value their free time, and achieve more with it. They may not change completely initially, but they change things over time. Also, any crappy job is ok-that's their business. Also , not liking one job does help them look for the next, especially once they start thinking in terms of wages-salary.

I’ll start by saying DS is a lovely lad

In what way is he a 'lovely lad'?

My son finishes school, 18, this year. He will contribute 10% of his wages, do a reasonable share of chores or contribue more, work and study for at least 30 hours.

Tell him it' important to create and retain the habits required for employment. That means, getting up washed and dressed every morning; sharing domestic tasks in the home; keeping himself physically and mentally fit.

So, he needs to dial back on childish behaviour, kids games, and step up to being a man.

Write a list of jobs needind done, and keep it in the kitchen. Anything from shopping, cooking, ironing, washing floors, car, taking sibs to activities.

My dad stopped buying me anything non-essential at age 16.

Same. AND I was expected to study for A levels and go to university. One of my classmates, who left school at 16, thought she was going to sign on and put her feet up. Her mum gave her a week to find a job or be out on her ear. She found a job.

Having a job, money in your pocket and self esteem is far better for mental health than lying in bed all day then xboxing all night.
Maybe your son should try it,OP

If he was mine, he wouldn't be lazing about in bed all day, nor would he be wasting electricity playing a game all night!
He would either be out earning his living or furthering his education.
If he didn't like the sound of those two options then he'd be out on his ear.
Stop being wet and enabling him.

This

He doesn't sound lovely!

Unplug the router and take it to bed with you.