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Original poster

Is/ was my boss interested in me?

108 replies

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:01

I'm really bad at reading signs so I apologise. A few months ago I got a new mgr he was really attractive and ticked all the boxes, I have a long list and he ticked extra boxes I didn't know mattered, I literally felt like I fell right into the 50shades film. I made it clear that I liked him and he seemed to like it and hang around me a lot. And seemed to strut around me peacocking, he made up a nickname for me which I think was flirty, and he called it me all the time with a smile on his face. We laughed together and I really liked his personality. A few months of flirting ( and people around said he was flirting with me too) I find out he's in a relationship. I bring it up in casual conversation when I next see him as I feel really hurt and he acts strange, he laughs it off but then goes out for a long walk. He comes back and things are totally different. He is really quiet, he looks at me like he wants to say something but then stops himself. I ask him questions about his partner and he just dismisses them and is not speaking very highly of his partner. but Next couple of months he distances himself from me, he stops calling me the nick names and acts totally different with me. I don't understand. Unfortunately I didn't know he had a partner when I started to like him and now I do it's too late and it really really hurts. Please help me understand.

OP posts:
TwinsAndTiramisu · 21/03/2023 22:56

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:52

It was over 6 months of flirting not a few weeks.

Wow.

You're just looking for any way to justify carrying on with him.

I know it's hard when you had genuine feelings, but you literally were just an ego boost. Nothing ever happened anyway, and he doesn't even want to converse with you since you started asking about if he had a partner. You mentioned a romantic connection, and look at the response.

It's not the answer you were hoping for, but he's really not interested in the slightest. He played you for attention.

Fizzadora · 21/03/2023 22:58

You really , really need to grow up.

Eyerollcentral · 21/03/2023 22:58

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:52

It was over 6 months of flirting not a few weeks.

Who cares. It’s still a matter of weeks. Nothing happened. Is this your first full time job? It’s not unheard of for there to be unprofessional flirty situations between female subordinates and more senior male colleagues, it’s incredibly common. It’s all about their egos. Don’t embarrass yourself any further in the workplace. He has made it clear it’s not going to happen. You seem to be unwilling to accept that. If you can’t get over it then find another job. The one within your organisation is not the only one available. You need to be more professional.

LooksLikeASugarInAPlum · 21/03/2023 22:59

OP this situation is such a cliche.

soffa · 21/03/2023 23:01

why would you make it obvious you liked him in the first place so quickly? a relationship with your boss is generally going to be drama that you don't need.

Smellyfishh · 21/03/2023 23:02

Whoopsies- he got caught out!

Original poster
ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 23:18

If I do move then il be throwing away my whole progression as he is a good manager and good at developing people. He gets results and I have an opportunity to prove myself, I've worked hard for this for a long time and leaving when being this close would be stupid, but I'm still considering it because of my feelings and I've been so hurt. I wish I could just forget about him and focus on my work because I love my job, my company, my site. But this is hard. One minute I want ti leave and move on the next I want to focus on work and get where I deserve to be

OP posts:
GingerBoot · 21/03/2023 23:24

First time you've actually mentioned your career! If you'd framed it like that at the beginning you would have got different replies but you've made it clear all you're upset about is that he no longer flirts with you and you're pissed off because he won't submit to your Spanish inquisition-like questioning of his relationship.

Wantmywifeback · 21/03/2023 23:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Eyerollcentral · 21/03/2023 23:37

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 23:18

If I do move then il be throwing away my whole progression as he is a good manager and good at developing people. He gets results and I have an opportunity to prove myself, I've worked hard for this for a long time and leaving when being this close would be stupid, but I'm still considering it because of my feelings and I've been so hurt. I wish I could just forget about him and focus on my work because I love my job, my company, my site. But this is hard. One minute I want ti leave and move on the next I want to focus on work and get where I deserve to be

Sounds like you just want to hang around to be near him. If I think that reading your posts, so will your colleagues, who will have noticed this all too. Learn from this and don’t jeopardise your career again because you fancy a man at work. There are plenty of other great guys you don’t work for. You really need to be more professional.

BeautBastard · 21/03/2023 23:37

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 23:18

If I do move then il be throwing away my whole progression as he is a good manager and good at developing people. He gets results and I have an opportunity to prove myself, I've worked hard for this for a long time and leaving when being this close would be stupid, but I'm still considering it because of my feelings and I've been so hurt. I wish I could just forget about him and focus on my work because I love my job, my company, my site. But this is hard. One minute I want ti leave and move on the next I want to focus on work and get where I deserve to be

Tbh you threw this away the minute you "made it clear" you were interested in your new manager and started persueing him. If you want to progress in your career you do not do this. It's hugely unprofessional and risky.

Original poster
ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 23:38

I feel like you are all right and I wanna move on. I needed to hear this. I still am torn whether to leave my job or not. I really love my job and wanna progress, I don't wanna give it all up really for someone I could be over in a couple of months, but right now it hurts and it's so hard to stay and see him everyday

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 23:40

Also I don't wanna stay to hang around him, he's been here less than a year. I've been here for 4 years, I love my site and don't really want to have to leave because of him

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 21/03/2023 23:41

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 23:40

Also I don't wanna stay to hang around him, he's been here less than a year. I've been here for 4 years, I love my site and don't really want to have to leave because of him

Then suck it up, paint on a smile and get over it. It’s that or leave.

Raineth · 21/03/2023 23:57

Well, your boss is a sleazebag OP. What a shame. Read Bridget Jones’ diary, she had a sleazy boss who led her on too. The situation is actually a cliche I’m afraid 😔

I can see that you’re very hurt. The path to getting over this is to realise that the man you liked did not exist. The real man is an unprofessional sleazy creep who flirts with his subordinates and leads them on for months and months, presumably to get the ego-boost of feeling fanciable, or perhaps he was hoping to shag you before you found out, then do the whole ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ cliche.

Did he care that he’s endangering your career there? Nope. Did it matter to him that he was creating a highly unprofessional situation all around you, which could affect how others colleagues view and treat you? Nope. He’s even said he won’t give you a good reference- what an asshole. He’s been incredibly selfish and quite cruel. Once you begin to recognise that, you will like him less.

So, look at the situation as it really was. It isn’t surprising that some creep at your job sleazed all over you, but why did you flirt back? Make a decision for yourself to never again flirt at work, then at least something good has come of all this.

BeautBastard · 21/03/2023 23:58

Although I think it was obviously unwise to try and create a personal relationship from a professional one, we've all done unwise things at some point, and I'm sorry you're hurting now. I guess in terms of moving forward, you've said he's a good manager and good at developing people but do you think he'll be able to do that for you now? It sounds like from what you've said ( "people around said he was flirting with me too") you've brought it to the attention of your colleagues too, so that combined with you questioning him on his relationship status may mean he's not able to be objective with you, or could be concerned about appearing to favour you in anyway. It does sound like he's strung you along a bit, but as a previous poster mentioned, unfortunately that kind of thing ( ego boost workplace flirting with no intention of anything further) is very common. He may even have thought it was a "safe" flirtation in the sense it was obvious it could never go further because of work and him being in a superior position. Regardless the bottom line is he has a partner and is now avoiding you, so he's being clear that he is absolutely not interested in developing anything with you. Safeguard your career and learn from this.

BeautBastard · 22/03/2023 00:05

Whilst I took ages trying to articulate what I meant, @Raineth summed it up much better and more compassionately - you've been naive, he's been far worse, not worthy of your headspace.

AnotherDayOfSun · 22/03/2023 00:23

He sounds like a player, sorry. Good men don't lead you on and hurt you like that, because they care about your feelings and they respect their relationship. The fact that he "checked all the boxes and then some" is another hint. This type has almost a sixth sense to know - and become - exactly what you wish for. All for their ego boost.

That said, on the off chance he is genuine and his relationship is ending or on/and/off, you can just be neutral, do the right thing, look for someone else, but not rule him out in a future scenario.

Honestly, he does sound like a player, though. The whole going quiet when you asked about his partner sounds a bit manipulative, like he wants you to think he really wants you, but is stuck in this relationship, etc.

Popalina65 · 22/03/2023 06:43

You need to concentrate on you and your career..... don't leave.... but acknowledge that he isn't the only man that is around... they'll be others.... I think rather than wasting days missing him be proactive.... channel this energy into being more successful, and get on some dating sites..... go on dates and you'll see that there is an abundance of men that would like to get to know you.

You have the perfect opportunity to work on yourself here and become really confident and powerful. So, he has a gf.... lucky her..... but do you want to be with someone who's flaky like that.... it's clear that the relationship he is in is not based on respect.... something that he would bring into your relationship if it were to happen.

Get up, shower and dress and look in that mirror and say!!! Fug him.... you can have whatever you want.... it doesn't have to be him x

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 22/03/2023 06:59

Oh lord, that was a cringe read. OP you sound like a teen. It's irrelevant how long you have been flirting. Flirting isn't a promise of anything or a commitment. If anything I would bet it only meant something to you and the manger it was simply an ego boost. Have some self respect. There's nothing for you to understand. You just need to accept it.

Mortimercat · 22/03/2023 07:12

I am really surprised that anyone, particularly someone who is focused on a career would behave so unprofessionally with their boss or (from his perspective) subordinate! I am not against all work place romances, it is where a lot of people meet their partner, but boss / subordinate is surely off limits.

Brightshinylight · 22/03/2023 07:14

I tried to go for a new job. He looked bothered by this and told me my reference wouldn't be good, or would be ok but not amazing

did it ever occur to you that people leaving after a new manager has just started looks bad on them?

He is not thinking about your ‘relationship’, he is worried about how this wound reflect on him as a manager & his job.

MrsRickAstley · 22/03/2023 07:41

Perhaps establish if they're in a relationship first next time. I can't believe you didn't think to subtly check early on. 🤷‍♀️

704703hey · 22/03/2023 07:52

MrsRickAstley · 22/03/2023 07:41

Perhaps establish if they're in a relationship first next time. I can't believe you didn't think to subtly check early on. 🤷‍♀️

I think she said he was talking about things as though he was living a single life.

OP I've definitely had crushes and know how much headspace it takes up, but it's time to move on and concentrate on your life.

Original poster
ilovealcohol · 22/03/2023 08:25

I should add and should have added in my op, that when I met my boss I was in a long term relationship and it wasn't working out. We had been arguing for months on end and to me the relationship was done and both myself and my partner said this ( my boss didn't know of these problems) he just saw that I was in a relationship. He seemed to act jealous if I talked about him. This is why I was shocked to find out he was in a relationship, I'm not sure if they got together after this or before. meeting and flirting with my boss was a nice welcome distraction form my relationship problems. I ended my relationship and it was about 4 days later when I found out my boss had a partner. My boss doesn't know I ended my relationship. I kept this to myself and tried to distance myself from him when I found out.

OP posts: