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Original poster

Is/ was my boss interested in me?

108 replies

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:01

I'm really bad at reading signs so I apologise. A few months ago I got a new mgr he was really attractive and ticked all the boxes, I have a long list and he ticked extra boxes I didn't know mattered, I literally felt like I fell right into the 50shades film. I made it clear that I liked him and he seemed to like it and hang around me a lot. And seemed to strut around me peacocking, he made up a nickname for me which I think was flirty, and he called it me all the time with a smile on his face. We laughed together and I really liked his personality. A few months of flirting ( and people around said he was flirting with me too) I find out he's in a relationship. I bring it up in casual conversation when I next see him as I feel really hurt and he acts strange, he laughs it off but then goes out for a long walk. He comes back and things are totally different. He is really quiet, he looks at me like he wants to say something but then stops himself. I ask him questions about his partner and he just dismisses them and is not speaking very highly of his partner. but Next couple of months he distances himself from me, he stops calling me the nick names and acts totally different with me. I don't understand. Unfortunately I didn't know he had a partner when I started to like him and now I do it's too late and it really really hurts. Please help me understand.

OP posts:
Pieceofpurplesky · 21/03/2023 22:34

Your OP was does he like you. I'm short, no. He liked the fact you gave his ego a boost but you got too involved.

CantFindTheBeat · 21/03/2023 22:35

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:31

It's not just been 5 minutes, it's been month of flirting and thinking he liked me. I know what you are all saying but it's not that easy to forget. That's what I wanna do but, I really thought he was single and genuinely liked me

As he's your boss, OP, this should always have raised a red flag with you.

Any boss worth his/her salt does not single out and flirt with a staff member, single or not.

Original poster
ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:35

getafringenotbotox · 21/03/2023 22:33

What do you want from the bus thread op?

He's showing you he thinks of you as aside chick.

Bin him off. Find a new job. Don't make him your problem

I tried to go for a new job. He looked bothered by this and told me my reference wouldn't be good, or would be ok but not amazing

OP posts:
Pieceofpurplesky · 21/03/2023 22:35

*in short

toodlesofoodles · 21/03/2023 22:36

I tried to go for a new job. He looked bothered by this and told me my reference wouldn't be good, or would be ok but not amazing

So he's also blackmailing you? He sounds fucking lovely Confused

Coffeellama · 21/03/2023 22:37

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:35

I tried to go for a new job. He looked bothered by this and told me my reference wouldn't be good, or would be ok but not amazing

Show quote history

Go for a new job so that you can get a fresh start and move on, not so that you can seek attention by telling him about it before getting a job. He isn’t yours. Next time don’t tell him until it’s reference time.

Findyourneutralspace · 21/03/2023 22:37

Look for a new job. I wouldn’t want to work for a man like that, let alone get into anything romantic with him.

HoneyPotBee · 21/03/2023 22:37

Who would have though flirting with your manager could go so horribly wrong?

GingerBoot · 21/03/2023 22:37

No matter how much I fancied and liked someone, as soon as I found out he was has been misleading me and disrespecting both his partner and myself, I think those feelings would have disappeared quite quickly. You've worked and flirted with this prick for a couple of months (unless it went further than that), so I'm not sure why you are finding it so hard to move on. Embarrassed maybe, yes. Angry and disappointed, yes. But still have feelings for him to the point where you'd be willing to carry on - yeah, not sure I get that bit. Are you hoping if you wear him down, he'll choose you instead?

JudgeRudy · 21/03/2023 22:38

A man can find you attractive and enjoy your company. It's probable he was enjoying the banter. Now you're quizzing him and he's wondering why you're asking about his relationship....you've gone off script. He's starting to pick up that you no longer appreciate the banter . Your colleagues teased and said 'he fancies you' yet not one knew or said he was in a relationship. I'd say there's a good chance same colleagues have said to him 'ILA is pissed off because she thought you were single and hoped so.ething might happen'....maybe he's thought, bloody hell, I don't want a relationship/affair with her and backed off.
That's the right thing to do isn't it? I've no idea what you're like at work or how you come across but is it possible he wasn't seriously flirting but more Carry On/Bennett Hill style 'sauciness'. Are you outgoing? Do you talk about sex or enjoy innuendos or are youa party animal? It's quite probable you both egged each other on. As a manager he was a bit unprofessional but you were equally complicit thinking you might be up for some sizzling sex with the boss. I'm unsure you're mad at him for flirting or more pissed off that he didn't actually fancy you and you're not getting hour 50 shades of grey. There's a lesson to be learnt here.

getafringenotbotox · 21/03/2023 22:38

You can't get given a shit reference. They can refuse or just say x worked here as this but he can't say anything else on there.

Try for another job. Until you get one.

If you continue to look for ways to stay and to end up carrying this on, it won't end well. Stuff like this never does.

Grow up, put him out of mind or at least stop analysing anything to do with him, chalk it up and get out of there and on with your life.

Original poster
ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:39

I had to tell him about the new job as I wanted to transfer within the company to a different place away from him. As he's my boss I had to consult him first. In no way did I tell him it was because of him

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 21/03/2023 22:40

It was obviously fun.

Im sorry you got hurt but life's like that. He is a twit.

Move on ASAP.

Good luck.

Straycatblue · 21/03/2023 22:44

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:35

I tried to go for a new job. He looked bothered by this and told me my reference wouldn't be good, or would be ok but not amazing

Show quote history

Youve said he ticks all your boxes inc ones you didnt know needed ticked

So.....which of these below tick your boxes? It sounds like you're blinded by your crush on him. He sounds awful

  1. He's not a professional person as he's flirting with junior staff ie position of authority
  2. He's not a respectful or honest to his current partner as he's flirting with you
  3. He's treated you badly by flirting with you & leading you on then going home & making love & doing all the relationship things with his actual partner.
  4. He's gone cold /distant/unpleasant since you've discovered he's not actually available- ie punishing you (or maybe his actual partner found out & gave him an ultimatum to stop leading you on)
  5. He's threatening to give you a poor reference because the flirting has happened/stopped/other reason
Thisismeyeah · 21/03/2023 22:45

Why would he give you a bad reference? He cant lie on it so what could he actually say? What have you done? Did you take the piss a bit at work with time keeping or deadlines and flirt your way out of it but think it was OK and relaxed as he flirted back?

TwinsAndTiramisu · 21/03/2023 22:45

GingerBoot · 21/03/2023 22:31

OP, you're giving the impression that if your manager was willing, you'd carry on with the flirty behaviour even though you now know he's not single. Does it really matter how long he's been with his OH, only that he is in a relationship and has made it patently clear he no longer wishes to carry on with the flirting? Yes, he's an arsehole to have done so from the beginning but you'll be the arsehole if you push the situation now.
Follow his lead and just stop with the banter, flirting and stop bloody asking him stuff bout his OH and their relationship when it's blatantly obvious he has no intention of sitting down to have an intimate chat with you about it. You're embarrassing yourself, I'm afraid.

This.

Grow some standards.

Basically he liked the attention, then as soon as he realised someone could expose his egocentric ways to his partner, you got discarded. He's concerned about her feelings. Yours? That should tell you everything.

You now know he has a partner, and wasn't bothered about your feelings. Don't sniff round like a cheap other woman hoping for crumbs. You deserve so much more.

Eyerollcentral · 21/03/2023 22:45

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:39

I had to tell him about the new job as I wanted to transfer within the company to a different place away from him. As he's my boss I had to consult him first. In no way did I tell him it was because of him

He is your boss. It sounds like completely unprofessional behaviour. You sound totally hung up on this guy and have pencilled out a future with him based on a few weeks of flirting. I get it’s easy to be carried away when you are single and looking for a man, that’s what has happened here. You are reading too much in to every interaction. He has a partner. Focus on yourself and get a new job, preferably one with a boss you won’t feel tempted to flirt with.

JudgeRudy · 21/03/2023 22:47

ToBeOrNotToBee · 21/03/2023 22:26

I can't emphasise this enough.

Don't shit where you eat.

Excellent advice. I worked on site once and heard a guy talk about one of the female colleague. Wed all watched the tension rise till he dated her one night, bedded her then dropped her..."Yeah it's a biological thing like taking a dump." he said, "Sometimes your just so desperate to do it but once you have you don't wanna go back and look at it" 😟

LooksLikeASugarInAPlum · 21/03/2023 22:48

No he’s not interested in you, he was interested in having his ego boosted.
Stick to doing your work.

JudgeRudy · 21/03/2023 22:50

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:31

It's not just been 5 minutes, it's been month of flirting and thinking he liked me. I know what you are all saying but it's not that easy to forget. That's what I wanna do but, I really thought he was single and genuinely liked me

He's not. He doesn't. Shape up or ship out

Original poster
ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:52

It was over 6 months of flirting not a few weeks.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/03/2023 22:53

It sounds to me like he thought it was friendly office banter and backed off when he realised that you thought it was more. He should have been more careful from the outset, but probably so should you!

Exasperatednow · 21/03/2023 22:53

Don't pursue your manager. You'll find it hard to be taken seriously.
If you were the manager, I'd give the same advice - don't pursue your staff- you'll find it hard to be taken seriously.

And besides all that it's messy. Boundaries are there for a reason.

Many organisation prohibit relationships and one of you would have to move.

Agapornis · 21/03/2023 22:56

ilovealcohol · 21/03/2023 22:35

I tried to go for a new job. He looked bothered by this and told me my reference wouldn't be good, or would be ok but not amazing

Show quote history

That's not okay. Time for a chat with HR - after you get him to confirm this by email. He's a blackmailing cheat who behaves inappropriately at work, surely those tick boxes weren't on your list?

Keeween · 21/03/2023 22:56

Flirting with you was just something to pass the time with for him. When he realised you were getting more attached and thinking it was more than just flirting at work, he backed off. He’s with someone else (unlucky for them, he sounds bloody awful all round) and isn’t actually interested in you at all.
do try to set the bar higher next time, he is no Prince.

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