Dating a man who lives with exw and kids

[beriol]

Even though it's common knowledge that the marriage is gone and they have agreed to separate lives but coparent and cohabit for financial reasons ?
Really hope I get a lot of replies as the bigger the response the more overwhelming the reasons will be to inform my decision.
Thanks for reading.
Fwiw, we both want casual but exclusive in a relationship.
Nothing long term.

My BIL and SIL are in a similar situation. It's common knowledge that the marriage is gone (and has been for years) but they still live together. There is some half-baked financial reason why they have not yet divorced. They both still go to family events.

I wouldn't do it. It won't be a casual but exclusive relationship because he is still involved with his wife. Even if they are not having sex, which you can't be certain about, he is still involved with her if they live together.

Deciding that you are not going to have sex with each other and will just shag other people instead isn’t being separated. It’s some sort of open marriage arrangement.

Why get involved?

I would date him given you are looking for casual. That's assuming everything else is in order and he ticks all the other boxes. Good job, smart, interesting etc...
If the relationship progressed you may need a further conversation with him.
Obviously if he displayed any red flags such as not letting you meet his friends (in due course), or sneaking around then I'd end it.
But for now at least I'd just see how it goes.

No for several reasons, the main one being that last time I checked there was not a casual dick shortage. Aside from that, the fact that his wife doesn't know he's dating, because he didn't volunteer to tell her, is the most striking one.

He lives with his wife and young children. I'm thinking he maybe still shares a bed with his wife? I'm not sure how you're going to be able to confirm that one, unless you turn up at the house and introduce yourself as his weekly fun and frolics, and ask to check out the bed situation upstairs.

Leave it alone, it's got grim written all over it.

Well to me he’s not boyfriend / dating material if he lives with his ex wife so no I wouldn’t. Too much baggage. Plenty of other men out there. He wants it both ways (the feeling of being a family and the convenience of his ex wife still running around after him, and also the fun as a single man going on dates and then all the fun with a nice new girlfriend) Nah sorry, I wouldn’t want to be part his double life.

Don’t be ridiculous, I bet he isn’t separated.

Walk away and if you don’t and it turn out you are an OW do not go crying to anyone.

I wouldn't do it, it just sounds like too much drama.

Plus, if you're looking for exclusive, you have absolutely no way to tell whether they're still shagging each other or not. Obviously you can never be 100% sure that someone is shagging elsewhere, but they're living under the same roof!

FWIW, I have friends (never married, but a long-term couple) who intentionally bought a house together AFTER splitting up; different situation as it was a split-level with separate entrances and their son went back and forth with a room in each. At first, it was really strange for both of them - even when the relationship is definitely over, there can be sexual jealousy, competitiveness, privacy issues, and other weirdness. According to them, it was a few years before either of their eventual new partners felt comfortable staying overnight. That might be different in a much more casual relationship, if you're determined that it stay casual, but it still might be strange for his ex and if she reacts badly, you could be inconvenienced.

Is he planning to have you visit/stay at the house? That seems inappropriate unless the children are older, and a bit weird even then. Will he be able to come to yours, or both go to a hotel or similar, if you have your children all the time?

No. A friend had just ended a situation like that. The couple were indeed genuinely living separate lives in the same house with teenage children and the man had had several casual girlfriends over the years that the wife was aware of and not bothered about but when he got serious with my friend the wife got very distressed and my friend and the husband decided to end it. It was really sad but just wasn't not going to work.

Find a man who doesn't live with his ex wife. Why give yourself this problem.

I wouldn't

Absolutely not. Why would you? Surely there are much better options.

No I wouldn’t. There is no shortage of available single men if no strings fun is really what you’re after.

I can tell you exactly how this will go.

Initially you’ll have to be ‘discreet’ i.e. a secret, as his ex doesn’t know he’s dating and it’ll upset the applecart at home, blah blah.

He might splash out on a hotel once or twice at most and then because he doesn’t have his own place you’ll be doing all the hosting, it will very quickly become no actual dating, no trips out, meals out, etc. It will settle into him calling over to your place when it’s convenient for him, fitting around his family life, for food and a fumble, if you’re lucky he’ll occasionally bring you a bottle of wine or some flowers from the garage on his way over.

Also what a PP said about what appeals about a man in his 50s who is incapable of housing himself? The cringe factor of figuring out whose house is free to have a shag at, is she an ‘ex’ wife if there was no settlement about the house in the divorce? Why even give this non starter a moments thought? Plenty of unattached horny bloke online.

No.

What are their sleeping arrangements? Does he have his own bedroom?

Tbh, even with separate bedrooms… it’s all totally entangled and intimate. Shared financed to various degrees, centring on family life with children, always needing to check in and consult with the other about plans and arrangements…

She may well be washing his pants still and cooking his dinner. It’s not just whether they’re still having sex.

Lovely if that’s what they want to do. But really… why would anyone want to be a third party to this?

It’s still going to be the central relationship in both of their lives. There’s no need for anyone else to get involved.

You can’t be serious? Red flags all over the place here. Why an earth would either of you put his kids through that for something casual? You both need to give your heads a wobble and grow up.

Yes if I was sure he was separated.

People get very uptight on here about things being done the 'correct' way. But sometimes things work out in unexpected ways and we have to be flexible. Things aren't always straightforward. Doesn't mean we have to rule them out.

Not a chance. I'd be giving him a wide bearth

No, it wouldn't cross my mind to get involved with this. Even on a casual basis.

If all you're looking for is some casual, non-complicated fun, I can't imagine why you'd select a bloke who still lives with his wife and kids.

That has clusterfuck written all over it.

Given what you would like and what he has to offer you sound compatible (in practical terms). If you're essentially looking for a 'playmate', so a friend you fancy who likes 'doing stuff' it could be ideal. Under the circumstances though I'd rule his home out as somewhere I'd like to spend time and it would feel unbalanced if he only spent time at mine so that leaves weekends away in hotels etc. Can you afford that? It's early days so worth a try.
Things to consider
What if one of you falls in love/want more?
How rigid is he with availability? Eg if it's your birthday on Wednesday could he see you or is that his wife's night? Could he do a week in Greece? Your sister's wedding in September? Be careful it's not you fitting around him.
What happens when you're sick of hotels n just want to stay in and do nothing? Will it bother you that you've nowhere to go.

As I said...Worth a try.

One has to wonder when women have the upper hand in cherry picking men for casual sex why you'd voluntarily choose a man who has this domestic arrangement. His set up (being too poor to leave) might mean he's unable to meet and pay for hotel rooms regularly enough, it would be too awkward to meet him for sex at his I just couldn't relax and its too icky to be in his family home where she could walk in any moment, I wouldn't have car sex I think it's really gross and I wouldn't want a casual bloke to be round my manor... for all this I wouldn't even bother with him unless he has a truly magnificent and long lasting wood or something so special about him because there just are so many eligible men out there if you just want NSA fun. Why would I endure so much inconvenience and awkwardness unless he is seriously hot and or good in bed? I just wouldn't.

You say you want something casual but exclusive but what if you grow feelings for each other and one of you wants more? I think you have to factor in that possibility. It could then get really messy and complicated.

Personally I'd not do it. I'd like a clean split between his previous marriage and a new relstionship.