Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a man who lives with exw and kids

80 replies

beriol · 21/03/2023 13:06

Even though it's common knowledge that the marriage is gone and they have agreed to separate lives but coparent and cohabit for financial reasons ?
Really hope I get a lot of replies as the bigger the response the more overwhelming the reasons will be to inform my decision.
Thanks for reading.
Fwiw, we both want casual but exclusive in a relationship.
Nothing long term.

OP posts:
MrsRickAstley · 21/03/2023 13:38

Strong no.

SquidwardBound · 21/03/2023 13:43

Honestly. No.

Even if they are separated but living together (with no plans to change that), this is not something you need or want to be involved with.

You will always feel like the OW because home for him is with his wife and kids.

There are other ways to find a casual relationship that don’t come with a live in wife.

DarkShade · 21/03/2023 13:45

Nope I wouldn't. He's probably married and lying about it. And if this is still going on, how recently have they separated? Sounds fast.

flutterbyebaby · 21/03/2023 13:45

Has he introduced you to his ex wife?

BeExcellent2EachOther · 21/03/2023 13:45

He. Lives. With. His. Wife.

We really don't need any more information than that for it to be a "Hell, no!"

SquidwardBound · 21/03/2023 13:46

Harriyet · 21/03/2023 13:36

I dont see the issue if you only want some fun. If you want something long term and serious then no.

it will be less fun than you’re imagining.

There’s a wife he lives with and he’ll probably need to check with her before deciding if he can sleep over at your house, for example.

At best, that would be like being teenagers again and needing your mum’s permission. In reality, it’s going to be even worse than that sounds.

There are plenty of single men who don’t live with a wife out there.

MoongazyHare · 21/03/2023 13:48

Not on your Nellie.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who comes to see me, we talk intimately, maybe have sex, (always at my place, because we can’t exactly go back to his), and then goes home to eat, shower and sleep in the same house as his wife and children! It’s not an equal relationship. It’s not the sort of relationship anyone would go looking for.

Plus the chances are greater than zero that he isn’t separated at all, but uses this ruse to get his end away with a lot of unsuspecting women.

Life doesn’t need to be this complicated.

spelunky · 21/03/2023 13:48

beriol · 21/03/2023 13:25

My question is ...

Would you date a separated man who lives with his wife and kids ?

No, I wouldn't.

If you genuinely only want something casual then it's fine, but you have to be 100% sure. I think if there is any part of you that wants any level of commitment then you should avoid.

In a situation like this, you can't expect him to have actually cut ties with her in any way. She may well still be his priority, and he may have residual emotions even if he claims not to (or has convinced himself he doesn't). That would be my concern.

Things may start out as 'casual', but once you end up catching feelings and wanting a bit more from him, it could get complicated.

I would avoid it for that reason.

flutterbyebaby · 21/03/2023 13:51

Selective naivety at its best

SmallStrike · 21/03/2023 13:52

Of course not. Even forgetting the morality, the logistics, the fact the children probably consider their parents to be together, and his ex’s feelings, if I was casually ‘fun’ dating I’d want to do it with someone who is financially solvent and can afford weekends away and good restaurants. Not someone who can’t afford to even house himself independently.

SixPenny · 21/03/2023 13:52

Yes I would.
One of my brother's is divorced but still lives with his ex wife and kids.
They have completely separate lives, she does her thing, he does his.

qpmz · 21/03/2023 13:54

Firstly have you met him in person yet and if so do you like and fancy him?

Do him and his wife sleep in separate rooms? He'll need a 5 bedroom house if him and the 3 kids have a room each. If he's shares a bed with the ex they're probably still sleeping together so your relationship wouldn't be exclusive.

urrrgh46 · 21/03/2023 13:55

i would if he were actually divorced or it were going through but not just separated. Obviously could get tricky even in that circumstance if the relationship progressed but that bridge could be crossed as and when.

justpoppingtotheshops · 21/03/2023 13:55

beriol · 21/03/2023 13:25

My question is ...

Would you date a separated man who lives with his wife and kids ?

No

If they aren't separated physically then they are still married

A couple in their 50s without very young children should be in a position to separate their lives financially and physically

If they can't do it now they won't ever be able to do it will they?

lunar1 · 21/03/2023 13:55

Are you happy to have a relationship that's 100% outside of you homes?

Your children are with you all of the time and he lives with his wife and children, it's not realistic that you could have anything other than date nights, days out and hotel stays.

urrrgh46 · 21/03/2023 13:56

i have a divorce going through but it's highly likely we will remain in the house together with the kids. we have a big enough house to be on separate floors for sleeping and don't share a bathroom.

MagpiePi · 21/03/2023 13:57

what would his response be if you suggested going round to his house to pick him up for a date?

Chowtime · 21/03/2023 13:57

beriol · 21/03/2023 13:25

My question is ...

Would you date a separated man who lives with his wife and kids ?

Nope. Never in a million years.

Justforlaffs · 21/03/2023 13:57

Sounds dodgy - how do you know for sure he's "separated"?

Onlinedater1 · 21/03/2023 14:00

Apart from the issues other people mentioned, my problem would be that I’d never would be allowed to come to his so where would we have sex if I live with small children? It wouldn’t work for me

louderthan · 21/03/2023 14:03

God just find someone single who lives on their own. If you just want casual sex why add all this complication?? You will be literally inundated with offers as PP has said.

The fact that you're thinking about it so much and posting questions here makes me think that there is something about this particular man that specially appeals to you.
Which will have implications.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 21/03/2023 14:03

Yes I think I would but I wouldn't be prepared to keep it a secret. I would also want to know how the dynamics of their relationship works. Do they have family days out, do they holiday together or do they live independently cooking, cleaning for themselves and children. Does his kids and family know their separated.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 21/03/2023 14:04

nope.
years ago, a mate dated a man who was supposedly separated from his wife, separate bedrooms, just living in the house for the wellbeing of their child. It took the "ex" wife getting pregnant again with his baby for my mate to realise what everyone else could work out. He made fools of both of them.

saveforthat · 21/03/2023 14:06

It doesn't matter what we would do, only you know if you can put up with this or not (I couldn't).

2022again · 21/03/2023 14:21

Can you explain a little more about the “common knowledge” that they live separate lives? The quickest and easiest way is to ask him for her phone number then you can hear it from the horses mouth that they are truly living as single individuals….unless I got this assurance I personally would look elsewhere as where there are also kids involved the stakes are too high.

Swipe left for the next trending thread