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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about ex’s past?

55 replies

jellytotsbeans · 21/03/2023 09:05

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now, so not long at all. We went on 5 dates before becoming official so pretty quick!

Up until now it’s been amazing. He can’t do enough for me, he treats me well and we have so much fun together. It’s all headed in such a positive direction.

Yesterday he was showing me something on his phone and he scrolled pretty far back. I saw messages from two other girls from early October, the time that me and him were dating.
He told me at the time he wasn’t interested in anyone else. Plus we always speak fondly about when we dates and reminisce, and he’s always said there was no one else on the scene and that he only dated one person in the summer.

In fairness, he was texting very bluntly with one girl since he knew me, and eventually he stopped replying to her. While we were on dates he asked her to “squeeze in a walk” and “pick her up” which hurt but he said that he was intending on ending things on the walk as he’d been sleeping with her a few times. I don’t think they actually went in the end.
The other girl is what hurt. He had actually met up with her the day after our second date (which we both agreed was amazing, and he said it’s the one that made him decide he had no interest in anyone else). He told me he was at work. He’d texted her saying “regret not doing that sooner 👀”. And very flirty messages with wink faces. He claims he meant about the date, as they’d been trying to go on one for a while, and he said he was just trying to be nice. She’s actually the one that stopped replying to him.

I don’t know why I feel so upset but it makes me feel sick thinking about it. I don’t know why he didn’t just tell me he was seeing other people. I’d rather that than be lied to. He said he didn’t want to upset me for no reason because after all, he chose me, which is true.

I’ve never had any other reason to not trust him. I always see his phone (not snooping just he doesn’t hide it from me) and there’s no one else on the scene. He’s very open and loving with me.

So AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2023 09:08

I suspect I'll be in the minority here but YANBU & I would be very upset about this.

For me, honesty is paramount. If he was clear he was still dating at the early stages, that's one thing - and up to you to decide how you feel about this.

To not be transparent and in fact lie directly to you, would be upsetting to me & indicative about the kind of person he is.

As you are only 5 months in, I think you can either end it or have a full discussion about this and decide how you both feel and if you can move forward.

Findyourneutralspace · 21/03/2023 09:09

I think this is one of the perils of modern dating. The whole ‘becoming exclusive’ thing is new, and there can be a bit of a grey area at the start. But I understand why you feel he wasn’t totally honest, and why it stings.
Its forgivable I’m my book, if you trust him now, but it’s fine to be licking your wounds a bit.

Original poster
jellytotsbeans · 21/03/2023 09:11

It’s so hard because he said he didn’t want to hurt me in the early stages but I would’ve preferred it so much if he was honest. He’s never given me reason, he treats me so well otherwise; and he was genuinely upset last night that I was upset. So I just don’t know

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 21/03/2023 09:16

5 months is not that long, I would put him back in the sea and look for someone with more honest communication from the get go, he is trying to excuse his poor behaviour imo.

AutisticLegoLover · 21/03/2023 09:18

I hate lies and liars and I wouldn't be able to forgive this because your experience of the start of your relationship was not based on the truth. You've unknowingly built your albeit short relationship on a lie. It sounds like he slept with her that day whilst telling you he was at work. Even if he decided he wanted you instead of her he lied. What else does he lie about is what I'd be wondering.

x2boys · 21/03/2023 09:24

Well it's up.to.you if you can overlook the very beginning of your relationship,many people have an overlap.at the start of a relationship
If you have an otherwise good relationship than maybe you can overlook the texting ,other dates ,only you can deceide.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 21/03/2023 09:26

Pop back on the shelf and wait for a better deal. This is your first reg flag. Listen to it.

Original poster
jellytotsbeans · 21/03/2023 10:17

I don’t know why I’m so upset about it, I know he wanted to be with me and chose me and I just can’t help feeling really sick

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 21/03/2023 10:21

Nah, he's a bullshitter. I'd be looking for someone else.

Strainzer · 21/03/2023 10:45

You are upset because his feelings did not matched yours when you thought they did. This means he can put on an act and he has fooled you. 🚩

He is lying to either you or the other girl... either way he is dishonest.🚩

Interesting that he 'accidentally' let you discover these messages... he could be testing to see if you'll hang around when he fools you again. 🚩

Autumntimeagain · 21/03/2023 10:49

OP, the 'feeling sick' is your body's way of telling you that something is seriously 'off' with this guy.

He lied and cheated. He blatantly lied to your face. He's only 'upset' now, because you've seen the 'real' him.

It doesn't matter what he says or does now, you'll ALWAYS get that sickly feeling with him, because he's destroyed the foundation of the whole 'relationship'.

Tell him that without trust and honesty, there is nothing. No relationship, no partnership, no friendship ever survives lack of trust/honesty.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2023 10:50

jellytotsbeans · 21/03/2023 10:17

I don’t know why I’m so upset about it, I know he wanted to be with me and chose me and I just can’t help feeling really sick

The fact you are so upset tells you all you need to know.

Your values have been compromised by his behaviour. Someone else might be less upset, and that's ok.

I don't think you can stay with him.

underneaththeash · 21/03/2023 10:53

OP - you're being ridiculous. Don't waste a what sounds like a perfectly lovely relationship on worrying about something that happened before you were serious with each other.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2023 10:54

underneaththeash · 21/03/2023 10:53

OP - you're being ridiculous. Don't waste a what sounds like a perfectly lovely relationship on worrying about something that happened before you were serious with each other.

Did you not read OP's post at all? 🙄

Ghostbuster2639 · 21/03/2023 10:55

He told me he was at work. He’d texted her saying “regret not doing that sooner 👀”. And very flirty messages with wink faces. He claims he meant about the date, as they’d been trying to go on one for a while, and he said he was just trying to be nice.

He lied in the beginning and he’s lying now. You know exactly what he means by regret not doing that sooner.

Don’t tolerate a liar op.

Ghostbuster2639 · 21/03/2023 10:56

While we were on dates he asked her to “squeeze in a walk” and “pick her up” which hurt

Are you saying he was actually texting her while on a date with you?

Puppers · 21/03/2023 10:58

Someone telling me "I chose you", like I should be grateful, would send me running for the hills on its own 🤢

He's a bit of a player, had a few women on the go at once, decided to ghost one because she didn't make the cut, that left him with you and the 3rd woman who made the decision for him by ghosting him first. And whilst he was hedging his bets, he was telling you a load of guff about how amazing your budding relationship was blah blah blah. Just think about it logically, OP. If you meet someone and are super excited and into them, do you also crave the company of other prospective partners? I haven't ever experienced that. When I've been in the early days of something very special, I've been 100% focused on that person and soaking up the honeymoon phase. He was dating other people 😕

Chuck this one back. He's got all the makings of a bloke who'll sap all your self esteem.

pinkyredrose · 21/03/2023 10:58

Plus we always speak fondly about when we dates and reminisce

You're walking down memory lane ajfter 5 months?

pinkyredrose · 21/03/2023 10:58

After

Dodecaheidyin · 21/03/2023 10:59

OP, the 'feeling sick' is your body's way of telling you that something is seriously 'off' with this guy.

This.

Him appearing to be genuinely upset - be careful with that, OP, some of them are extremely good actors. Perhaps you 'happening to see' these messages was intentional on his part, it could be one of his initial tests to see how much you'll put up with. Be very careful with this one.

lazycats · 21/03/2023 11:02

I suspect the replies to this will be mixed, but I think you're being over the top.

However it doesn't matter. This will always bug you and it's probably unsalvageable by now.

Ponoka7 · 21/03/2023 11:13

He didn't choose you, they stopped communicating as well? He lied to you about your second day, or he thinks it's ok to have sex with others while in a relationship with you. I was 18 months in when I found out that my bf had chatted online with other women, but I'd said to not define things and see were it went. If I'd been five months in and bullshitted to, as he did you, I'd think about ending it.

Aftjbtibg · 21/03/2023 11:27

It’s the dishonesty that would bug me; after your first couple of dates you were fully invested but it sounds like the truth is that he wasn’t quite so invested and still playing the field; which is fine but he’s gone along with this narrative that it was only you from the very first date. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything for how he feels about you now as he did decide that you were the one hr wanted to be with but I wonder if you need to watch out for him saying what he thinks you want to hear even if it’s not 100% true

SnackQueen · 21/03/2023 11:30

As blunt as it sounds, he might have just been keeping his options open in the early days. I'm more concerned by the fact he still has the messages and the contact details of these women saved on his phone.

mewkins · 21/03/2023 11:35

Puppers · 21/03/2023 10:58

Someone telling me "I chose you", like I should be grateful, would send me running for the hills on its own 🤢

He's a bit of a player, had a few women on the go at once, decided to ghost one because she didn't make the cut, that left him with you and the 3rd woman who made the decision for him by ghosting him first. And whilst he was hedging his bets, he was telling you a load of guff about how amazing your budding relationship was blah blah blah. Just think about it logically, OP. If you meet someone and are super excited and into them, do you also crave the company of other prospective partners? I haven't ever experienced that. When I've been in the early days of something very special, I've been 100% focused on that person and soaking up the honeymoon phase. He was dating other people 😕

Chuck this one back. He's got all the makings of a bloke who'll sap all your self esteem.

This sums it up. He was hedging his bets and seeing which one worked out best (or which put up with his Bellshill best).