Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about ex’s past?

55 replies

jellytotsbeans · 21/03/2023 09:05

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now, so not long at all. We went on 5 dates before becoming official so pretty quick!

Up until now it’s been amazing. He can’t do enough for me, he treats me well and we have so much fun together. It’s all headed in such a positive direction.

Yesterday he was showing me something on his phone and he scrolled pretty far back. I saw messages from two other girls from early October, the time that me and him were dating.
He told me at the time he wasn’t interested in anyone else. Plus we always speak fondly about when we dates and reminisce, and he’s always said there was no one else on the scene and that he only dated one person in the summer.

In fairness, he was texting very bluntly with one girl since he knew me, and eventually he stopped replying to her. While we were on dates he asked her to “squeeze in a walk” and “pick her up” which hurt but he said that he was intending on ending things on the walk as he’d been sleeping with her a few times. I don’t think they actually went in the end.
The other girl is what hurt. He had actually met up with her the day after our second date (which we both agreed was amazing, and he said it’s the one that made him decide he had no interest in anyone else). He told me he was at work. He’d texted her saying “regret not doing that sooner 👀”. And very flirty messages with wink faces. He claims he meant about the date, as they’d been trying to go on one for a while, and he said he was just trying to be nice. She’s actually the one that stopped replying to him.

I don’t know why I feel so upset but it makes me feel sick thinking about it. I don’t know why he didn’t just tell me he was seeing other people. I’d rather that than be lied to. He said he didn’t want to upset me for no reason because after all, he chose me, which is true.

I’ve never had any other reason to not trust him. I always see his phone (not snooping just he doesn’t hide it from me) and there’s no one else on the scene. He’s very open and loving with me.

So AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Poopgal · 21/03/2023 11:39

So when I met my husband, about three months into dating pretty intensely and exclusively, I saw an email he’d left up on his laptop to his friend replying to a question about whether there were any interesting potential women on the scene (relocated for work, so with new crowd). My husband replied saying “no nothing interesting at all”.

Did that hurt? Yep. Did I stew on it? Yep. But I didn’t say anything in the end and honestly 12 years and two children later it doesn’t matter at all.

I know it’s not exactly the same but I think that early on people are keeping their options open and seeing what they want to end up with. Hell, they probably even tell white lies while figuring it out. I wouldn’t really say it dooms a relationship.

Frankola · 21/03/2023 11:47

It's very common for people to date multiple people at once now. Dating is VERY different from what it was even just 5 years ago.

Apparently now "being exclusive" is a whole conversation, which wasn't the case many years ago when I was dating. You dated one person at a time then. But now, even the premise that people need that conversation shows just how much things have changed.

I don't agree at all with people saying he has cheated on you. You were dating, not in a relationship.

None of that would bother me remotely. The only thing I'd be annoyed at is he still has those messages. There's no need for him to save them.

Kitkatcatflap · 21/03/2023 11:48

I think you were way more invested than he was at the very beginning. He was keeping his options open - just in case. It's not great but it happens. I know a few people who had a little 'overlap' male and female. They are all married with families now.

To be honest - I would be more concerned with the 'I chose you'. Bit arrogant

Drinkinggreentea · 21/03/2023 11:52

This exact situation happened to me. RUN!!!!!!!!!! They're not people from his past, he was sleeping with them and you at the same time and lying about it. He's showed you he's a liar, dating a liar is terrible for your mental health.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 21/03/2023 11:54

As soon as you get that feeling about someone it is a red flag

lazycats · 21/03/2023 11:56

Drinkinggreentea · 21/03/2023 11:52

This exact situation happened to me. RUN!!!!!!!!!! They're not people from his past, he was sleeping with them and you at the same time and lying about it. He's showed you he's a liar, dating a liar is terrible for your mental health.

I hope you're in a stable relationship, because modern dating norms would shock you.

JupiterFortified · 21/03/2023 12:00

underneaththeash · 21/03/2023 10:53

OP - you're being ridiculous. Don't waste a what sounds like a perfectly lovely relationship on worrying about something that happened before you were serious with each other.

I agree.

Hont1986 · 21/03/2023 12:04

Mumsnet should have a label that says how long people have been in relationships, because honestly it is next to useless to open this question up to people who have been in 20+ year marriages. If you have no experience of dating in a post-online dating world, you just won't understand the norms.

nc13467 · 21/03/2023 12:10

Hont1986 · 21/03/2023 12:04

Mumsnet should have a label that says how long people have been in relationships, because honestly it is next to useless to open this question up to people who have been in 20+ year marriages. If you have no experience of dating in a post-online dating world, you just won't understand the norms.

Been with my bf a year but was previously single for 5 years so I know the online dating world only too well. It's sucks!!

I actually agree that what he was doing is in line with what is normal/expected and as it was before the exclusivity chat I wouldn't be bothered about what he had been doing.

However, what I would be bothered about is the lying and deceit. When dating multiple people it's okay to not share the details with the other people you're dating (i.e. there should be no expectation of monogamy and it's not really each others business); or some people choose be open and honest about seeing other people. As far as I'm concerned either of these are acceptable. What I don't think is acceptable is bare faced lying about it and saying you're not seeing others when you are

ChristmasFluff · 21/03/2023 12:15

People aren't saying he hs cheated - they are saying he is a liar - and he is. He was lying to that girl via text and he's lied to the OP's face. It was early days, no need to lie about seeing other people. As PPs are falling over themselves to explain, it's the norm. SO WHY DID HE LIE?? (Because he's a liar).

Plus he's let her find these texts (which he has kept for 5 months) - triangulation.

And they were exclusive after 5 dates - fast-forwarding (I'd bet money he's fast-forwarded and future-faked in other ways too).

Whether he's done anything else though - he's a liar, and it's foolish to trust a liar.

Oversharingnamechanged · 21/03/2023 12:42

Autumntimeagain · 21/03/2023 10:49

OP, the 'feeling sick' is your body's way of telling you that something is seriously 'off' with this guy.

He lied and cheated. He blatantly lied to your face. He's only 'upset' now, because you've seen the 'real' him.

It doesn't matter what he says or does now, you'll ALWAYS get that sickly feeling with him, because he's destroyed the foundation of the whole 'relationship'.

Tell him that without trust and honesty, there is nothing. No relationship, no partnership, no friendship ever survives lack of trust/honesty.

Listen to that sick feeling, it's not leaving if you stay.
@Autumntimeagain nailed it!

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 21/03/2023 12:47

I don’t know why I feel so upset but it makes me feel sick thinking about it.

You're upset because your "amazing" new boyfriend is a liar.
That would upset most people.

You're not upset about the past.
You're upset because he was actively pursuing other women in your dating timeline, & lying to you about it.

Throw this one back.
Unless you want to continue on the premise of "it's all ok because he's made some excuses, I'm going to wish it all away & believe him when he tells me he;s not lying to me today."

WhereIsTheSunshine3 · 21/03/2023 12:50

It would annoy me that he still has the messages and also the I chose you line but it seems it was the other girls choice not to carry on ? Which would make me wonder if he would have actually chosen her given the choice. Also if things were fairly casual between you at the beginning then it wouldn’t feel deceitful.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 21/03/2023 12:57

He’s never given me reason, he treats me so well otherwise; and he was genuinely upset last night that I was upset.

He gave you reason 5 months ago, you just didn't know about it until now.
That's not treating you well.

He's upset that you found out.
He wasn't upset when he was doing it, & lying to you about it.

RoseGoldEagle · 21/03/2023 12:58

Sorry OP but ‘regret not doing that sooner 👀 ‘ isn’t referring to the date….

You also say it was her that stopped messaging him, so it’s hard to know what would have happened otherwise.

It’s been 5 month, I would get out now if I were you

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 21/03/2023 12:59

x2boys · 21/03/2023 09:24

Well it's up.to.you if you can overlook the very beginning of your relationship,many people have an overlap.at the start of a relationship
If you have an otherwise good relationship than maybe you can overlook the texting ,other dates ,only you can deceide.

Overlap is one thing.
LYING about that overlap is another.

He told me at the time he wasn’t interested in anyone else. Plus we always speak fondly about when we dates and reminisce, and he’s always said there was no one else on the scene and that he only dated one person in the summer.

Why would OP overlook deliberate lies of this proportion?

x2boys · 21/03/2023 13:00

Hont1986 · 21/03/2023 12:04

Mumsnet should have a label that says how long people have been in relationships, because honestly it is next to useless to open this question up to people who have been in 20+ year marriages. If you have no experience of dating in a post-online dating world, you just won't understand the norms.

I have been married 18 years and even I think.Some of the replies are a bit extreme ,they had only been on two.dates ,that wasnt a commiited,relationship even way back.when i.was dating .

EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2023 13:00

If you have no experience of dating in a post-online dating world, you just won't understand the norms

I've no personal experience of dating in the online / app world but I totally get norms are different and the concept of exclusivity has changed.

This isn't about this. He lied to OP telling her one thing while doing something entirely different, that crossed her boundaries, behind her back.

Dating online / on apps / in person - doesn't matter. This is dishonesty and continuing that by minimising - and further lying - when asked about it.

Reugny · 21/03/2023 13:19

If you have no experience of dating in a post-online dating world, you just won't understand the norms

I understand the norms.

However my problem is he lied to you when he had no need to lie to you.

This means to me he has an issue telling the truth. If you continue to go out with him there will be incidences when he will lie to you for no good reason.

Dodecaheidyin · 21/03/2023 14:17

Hont1986 · 21/03/2023 12:04

Mumsnet should have a label that says how long people have been in relationships, because honestly it is next to useless to open this question up to people who have been in 20+ year marriages. If you have no experience of dating in a post-online dating world, you just won't understand the norms.

Patterns of abuse never change though.

Hopefully that's not what this is but if you have no experience of abuse you just won't understand the norms. Raising awareness is not a bad thing.

mewkins · 21/03/2023 15:43

Dodecaheidyin · 21/03/2023 14:17

Patterns of abuse never change though.

Hopefully that's not what this is but if you have no experience of abuse you just won't understand the norms. Raising awareness is not a bad thing.

Show quote history

Agree with this. Someone who springs to mind started the relationship with a lot of (needless) BS about how they'd been single for 3 years, overlooking a fairly significant relationship they'd got out of just before meeting me (only found this out 6 months in). He had a very sketchy relationship with the truth during the time I knew him, not just with me but with everyone around him. Odd.

jemimapuddlepluck · 21/03/2023 16:02

That message 👀was referring to sex. If she stopped responding to him then he didn't choose you, she chose not to continue things. There are so many options out there though now, don't most people hedge their bets with dating these days?

LolaSmiles · 21/03/2023 16:05

He has not only proven himself to be a liar, but that it all seems very intense early on.

In 5 months when he was seeing other people at the start he said that after all of 2 dates that he knew he didn't want to see anyone else. But then he showed you messages after knowing he lied and knowing they show he was still playing around.
The way you're talking about his past and how you both sit and reminisce sounds like you've been in a serious relationship for years, not 5 months.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's the sort of man who love bombs women, tests them to see if they'll put up with shitty behaviour and then he knows their bar is so low they'll accept anything.

Run away, don't look back, and keep your eyes open when men love bomb you after a couple of dates.

Puppers · 21/03/2023 16:07

Hont1986 · 21/03/2023 12:04

Mumsnet should have a label that says how long people have been in relationships, because honestly it is next to useless to open this question up to people who have been in 20+ year marriages. If you have no experience of dating in a post-online dating world, you just won't understand the norms.

You're making a lot of assumptions about PPs.

Let's not normalise and permit men being deceitful and disrespectful under the guise of "this is just how online dating works". It's not. Yes things are different in recent years and there's not necessarily an expectation of exclusivity until that conversation has been explicitly had, but that's not what happened here. This guy lied that he had no interest in dating other women whilst continuing to do exactly that.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/03/2023 16:13

I know people say it’s norm now to be seeing and sleeping with multiple people at once and only stopping when you decide to be exclusive but why lie. If everyone knows that’s what’s going on why bullshit you. If your alarm bells are going off 5 months he’s not one for you. Sounds like he says what he thinks you want to hear.
(Disclaimer married 20 plus years)