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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is friendship becoming a rare thing?

97 replies

HettyMeg · 20/03/2023 22:13

I have a few good friends, but we don't see much of each other due to living in different parts of the country, having children, life moving in a different direction, and they are all individual friendships rather than a group.

Recently I've been thinking about groups of friends from school, uni and then in my 20s (working hard and playing hard). All three groups have fizzled out and I find myself feeling nostalgic for simpler friendship times. While I count myself lucky to have good friends, almost all of my friendships are separate, one on one friendships. There is no group, which makes it harder to arrange to socialise and keep those connections going because I so rarely get out as I have a young child, as do many of my friends, plus my nearest friend from my pre baby life is a minimum of 20 minute drive away (I have met a couple of people locally but friendships are still starting out). I also feel Covid has affected some of our friendships because people have become more used to staying in. Some have lost contact altogether.

I miss having a laugh with someone and it being normal and easy to meet up. Everything has to be arranged to a ridiculous degree. Everyone's life is busy busy busy all the time.

Has friendship changed in recent years?

I don't know what I'm really saying, I just miss my friends, am struggling to keep connected with them and also struggling to make new ones. It feels like friendship now is a mix of carefully planned lunches, the very occasional very planned night out, and whatsapp messages/liking things on Instagram. Approaching mid 30s and wondering if this is just life.

YANBU - friendship has changed these days
YABU - it's life... get over it

OP posts:
Divorcedalongtime · 20/03/2023 22:15

I find it super hard (always did) to make and keep friends. Now that I don’t have the excuse of keeping up mumships for my kids tk have playmates it’s almost impossible to attract new friends.

Ponoka7 · 20/03/2023 22:20

I think for people who move because of further education, then jobs etc, it is difficult once they have children. For people who stay in the cities that they grew up in and/or work in the same job for a while, their friendship groups are more likely to be strong. You've only got to read the outraged threads on here were another friend wants to bring someone else along.

Guavafish1 · 20/03/2023 22:21

I have a few great friends who I make a great effort to keep in touch with, as friendships to me are very important.

Even when life happens- partners, kids, work, health issues etc ... I still make that extra effort.

Blingstar · 20/03/2023 22:24

I'm nearly a couple of decades on from you and I'm having exactly the same thoughts. I feel like I've come to a point in my life where friends are showing their true colours and I'm at the point of cutting them off. I've had some traumatic life events going on and I'm hurt that some very old friends haven't been supportive even when I've told them how low I've felt. It's very difficult to make new friends, I'm not sure how to do this. It's easy to feel isolated.

Penniless · 20/03/2023 22:34

No, I wouldn’t agree. I’ve moved internationally a fair bit for work and study, and I make a real effort to make and retain friendships. I’m 50, and moved countries in late 2019, but have made some good friends where I live now, and keep in regular touch with friends in other countries. We hosted international friends’ teenager for a fortnight’s work experience recently, and are going to go on holidays with some others this year, and I’ve been to see friends in other parts of the country twice in the last six weeks.

UmbilicusProfundus · 20/03/2023 22:38

Maybe if you reached out to your old groups they would be happy to reconnect. TBH I have loads of friends and loads of groups of friends. Some people or groups I might not see for a year or more, but when we do it’s fun and easy. And for some there was a big Covid pause but now reconnecting. You don’t sound like a typical Mumsnet misanthrope, so why not make a bit more effort to catch up with people. It can be too easy to slip into doing nothing but kid orientated activities and slumping in front of the tv

SupplyIsLimited · 20/03/2023 22:41

I think it's never been that common for larger friendship groups to stay in close, consistent contact throughout life, but I'm certain it has become less likely with people moving farther from 'home'.

Hawkins003 · 20/03/2023 22:43

It's a mix at times with different people. Me it's more the Machiavellian types I fear

Train007 · 20/03/2023 22:46

All my friends are work based stretching over 30-40years plus a few school friends and school gate friends. Can definitely count 10-12 friends who would literally drop everything to help me or my family…consider myself very fortunate.

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 20/03/2023 22:50

I feel sad sometimes that I don't have a single group of friends. Having moved around a lot I have a wide circle of good friends but none of them know each other. The only time I had it was in school. None of my other friends have groups either. It was highly revealing who I contacted and who contacted me during COVID. I think it's harder to make deeper friendships with new ppl last 40.

purpleme12 · 20/03/2023 22:52

I think too many people aren't interested in making more friends than the already have

maddy68 · 20/03/2023 22:52

I moved to a different country not knowing a soul. I have the tightest friendship group. It's become a family. We see each other most days

JoonT · 20/03/2023 22:54

I wouldn’t say it’s becoming rare, that would be going too far. But I have a feeling it’s less common. The main reason is that there’s just so much else to do. People can now create a kind of mini paradise at home. They have video games, DVD boxsets, the internet, etc. And they can have any book or CD ever created delivered to their door. They just don’t need friends as much as they used to. It’s probably the same reason pubs are closing down.

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 22:54

I am honestly starting to think that society's view of friendship has changed and downgraded it. It makes me sad.

Jackster11 · 20/03/2023 22:56

I’m looking for ideas to treat my Besty, it’s her 50th coming up. Any ideas what we girls could do? She has husband and two kids, but would really like to do something just the two of us for a change just like the old days when we were both single

Angeldelight50 · 20/03/2023 22:59

I could have written this myself OP! Similar age, young DC, individual friends scattered around UK and a couple of friends 25 min drive away.

If you’re anything like me, it isn’t for a lack of trying. Understandably, meeting friends across UK takes a bit of logistical planning but even nearby friends are busy busy when I try to arrange a simple catch up and I often find myself being let down last minute. I have met a few mum friends but the relationships feel surface level.. sigh.

I try not to let it bother me, but it is hard.

Raineth · 20/03/2023 23:04

YANBU. I live in a village with several friends within a ten minute drive but we only meet up every couple of weeks and it had to be booked in the diary in advance and be a 2-3 hr thing in a cafe or pub.

I’d love someone just to drop round for a cuppa and a 30 min chat. I don’t understand why we always have to meet in cafes. My coffee is loads nicer and its free!

I do find as well that the friends I have now don’t much care how I am. If I have a problem they won’t ask about it. They just want someone in the opposite chair at the cafe/pub.

Orangepolentacake · 20/03/2023 23:05

maddy68 · 20/03/2023 22:52

I moved to a different country not knowing a soul. I have the tightest friendship group. It's become a family. We see each other most days

@maddy68 may I ask which country is that?

Raineth · 20/03/2023 23:06

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 22:54

I am honestly starting to think that society's view of friendship has changed and downgraded it. It makes me sad.

I agree and I think it starts at primary school. My DC’s classmates come and go every year, and it’s just standard that chikdren are popped into a summer playscheme witb a load of strangers, told to play together all day then never meet again. We teach children that friends are a temporary convenience, interchangeable, replaceable. There’s so much less connection.

Rustyhandlebars · 20/03/2023 23:06

Ten years ago I used to chat a lot with friends on the phone, but now only a couple of my friends choose to communicate this way. My other friends occasionally text which I think has made us less close.

LucyWildeGru · 20/03/2023 23:11

It's much harder than it was. Many of us, and/or our old friends, have had to move for work, or relationships. Many of us are juggling parenting and working. And many are struggling financially.

I'm now a single mum, only have every other weekend free, and in that time I need some me time, time to catch up on household jobs, exercise, sleep, gym. I do make an effort to see people, but money is tight for most of us, it restricts what we can do, and many people just can't be bothered once an evening comes around, to go out.

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 23:40

Raineth · 20/03/2023 23:06

I agree and I think it starts at primary school. My DC’s classmates come and go every year, and it’s just standard that chikdren are popped into a summer playscheme witb a load of strangers, told to play together all day then never meet again. We teach children that friends are a temporary convenience, interchangeable, replaceable. There’s so much less connection.

Show quote history

This is interesting, I didn't know.

Posters often mention busy-ness but if I go back ten years, things were the same in that way - there's always people working crazy hours (I was one but still used spare time to hang with friends), people with kids and/or other caring responsibilities.

I really think internet culture is a factor, and people wanting a constant feed of news or whatever they like...also, people under a certain age group seem to be quite against using the phone.

Also, politics seems to be a deal breaker. I hate that. I appreciate people have red lines, but it seems to be more than that. The friend who helped me most when my dad died, we've never agreed on politics or social issues ever. But it doesn't matter. Sadly, I think a lot of people can't or won't agree to disagree on stuff like that.

Some days characters on TV seem more real than my friends who message once every three months, if that.

I'm moving and having thought I'd lost most of my friends, suddenly the ones who know about it are all "oh, shall we meet up?" Fantastic timing. 🙄
I'm moving near mum, I grew up there, I really hope it will help on the friend side.

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 23:43

Raineth "I’d love someone just to drop round for a cuppa and a 30 min chat. I don’t understand why we always have to meet in cafes. My coffee is loads nicer and its free!"

agree! My friends mostly say "let's go for a bit of food" meaning, go into central London and spend a minimum of £30 + travel. Again, hoping moving out of London will mean more local socialising or people who are happy with a cuppa!

Original poster
HettyMeg · 21/03/2023 08:22

@Raineth & @EmmaEmerald I'm so with you on wanting more casual chats. It feels like everything is so so arranged, with my friends it's because most of us have very limited time free due to kids and then there's driving / public transport to factor in. My parents and in laws also live hours away so some weekends are taken up visiting them or having them come to us leaving even less available Saturdays for a meetup. One friend is pregnant and three of us are having lunch just before her due date... arranged about 8 weeks in advance and then if one of us has to cancel it will therefore feel sad rather than just one of those things because it will be another 2/3 months until we meet up again and before you know it, six months has gone by so easily.

OP posts:
Penniless · 21/03/2023 08:32

Raineth · 20/03/2023 23:06

I agree and I think it starts at primary school. My DC’s classmates come and go every year, and it’s just standard that chikdren are popped into a summer playscheme witb a load of strangers, told to play together all day then never meet again. We teach children that friends are a temporary convenience, interchangeable, replaceable. There’s so much less connection.

Show quote history

I don’t think we ‘teach’ children anything of the kind. You sound as if you’re just deploring the fact that people move around? Do you really think people need to staple themselves to a specific locale for life in order to have enduring friendships?