Is friendship becoming a rare thing?

[HettyMeg]

I have a few good friends, but we don't see much of each other due to living in different parts of the country, having children, life moving in a different direction, and they are all individual friendships rather than a group.

Recently I've been thinking about groups of friends from school, uni and then in my 20s (working hard and playing hard). All three groups have fizzled out and I find myself feeling nostalgic for simpler friendship times. While I count myself lucky to have good friends, almost all of my friendships are separate, one on one friendships. There is no group, which makes it harder to arrange to socialise and keep those connections going because I so rarely get out as I have a young child, as do many of my friends, plus my nearest friend from my pre baby life is a minimum of 20 minute drive away (I have met a couple of people locally but friendships are still starting out). I also feel Covid has affected some of our friendships because people have become more used to staying in. Some have lost contact altogether.

I miss having a laugh with someone and it being normal and easy to meet up. Everything has to be arranged to a ridiculous degree. Everyone's life is busy busy busy all the time.

Has friendship changed in recent years?

I don't know what I'm really saying, I just miss my friends, am struggling to keep connected with them and also struggling to make new ones. It feels like friendship now is a mix of carefully planned lunches, the very occasional very planned night out, and whatsapp messages/liking things on Instagram. Approaching mid 30s and wondering if this is just life.

YANBU - friendship has changed these days
YABU - it's life... get over it

@Mochinated

Sorry to hear that! In case it helps, even if you were my favorite friend in the world I would not do birthday card and / or flowers and would be surprised (though probably touched) to get them.

I try to message people for their birthdays, that's about my limit.

I feel a bit overwhelmed when friends give me lovely gifts. I would rather just have their company and I never know how to reciprocate.

Aria its probably through a hobby. I put out a few dates but find people non comittal now.. I couldnt do my walking at set time as dinner times and the group seemed to want set time for it. So I just go myself with the dog.

It doesn't have to be seeing friends or exercising, you can exercise with friends, then go to the pub. It depends what your priorities are surely

Yes and to an extend I found it much harder when you have a kid, but it does even out. I feel like you always have to make a lot of effort with people and a range of people. How did the groups fizzle?

I met alot through school kids but def fizzled out. Coffee with few friends/old neighbours every few months. Think sometimes once kids fizzle out thats it. We friends with a couple I left it up to her now if they want to meet ........

Mochinated "I guess I'm not at the top of anyone's list 😕 I found friends or should I say mum friends I thought were actual friends reacting really weirdly when I gave birthday cards and flowers. None for me of course.
I have sort of slinked off into a corner 🤷‍♀️"

I hear that, sister!

I think a degree of vulnerability and being informal helps.
People don’t like to impose, which I get. People are tired and busy, which I also get. People are lonely, and that breaks my heart. And an awful lot of people are desperately lonely. And it’ll get worse for our children. Because we all seem to have lost our ability to forge relationships. We all know the type who gushes on FB about their amazing fam, when you know full well they’re totally dysfunctional. But we’re more horrified if that same person knocks on our door: I’m just popping in for a coffee, I’m desperately lonely, haven’t spoken a word to an adult today.

It doesn't have to be seeing friends or exercising, you can exercise with friends, then go to the pub. It depends what your priorities are surely

The point is some people only have room for exercise what with everything else going on in their life. I have a friend I go to dance class with but you can't chat during the class, we catch up after over a coffee after!

It can feel like modern communication technology hasn't helped

In ye olde days people would ring for a proper chat. These days it's a text here and there sometimes not replied to for days

I have a flaky friend who doesn't reply/ flakes out/ always me doing the running although when we do meet up it feels like we get on well. But I just can't be arsed to chase and faff about with texts anymore so unless she suddenly starts making an effort, I'm letting it slide

I agree. Its coincided with the elevation of the nuclear family to the supposed source of all fulfillment. Where your partner is supposed to be your best friend, you should prefer the company of your preschoolers to all else, and all you need is behind your own (closed) front door. Wanting to invest in other people is almost like admitting 'your own little family' isn't enough.

Throw a party!

Friendship takes effort to survive, like any relationship does. Friends can be the first thing people drop when they feel under pressure. But they really enrich life.

Thank you! This is so true!

also, some of my parents friends have said they think it's harder to be single in my generation as the obsession is with coupling up, they feel they had less of that pressure.

I was actually wondering today if I have fallen off the radar of two friends who suddenly became hyper focused on their husbands. They still see each other from what I can tell. I was puzzled thinking I might have offended them, but maybe I'm suddenly a third wheel, even though they've been married for years.

But who thinks this? I only ever see this attitude on here, the idea that friends are ‘hassle’, social life is a drag, your DH is your best friend, weekends are ‘family time’ and you have everything you want behind your own front door, and other people are a bit odd and social-butterfly-ish to want more.

I have always invested in friendships. And even at my busiest made an effort to keep in touch. I have a few nice groups. And my kids have grown up the same. Valuing friendships. Despite working full time, I really prioritised play dates until my kids made their own arrangements. They get annoyed when they come back from university and I nag them to see their friends; apparently they can sort their own social lives out!

I think phones are a blessing and a curse. I like WhatsApp groups and random texts. But the long phone chats of my teens are long gone.

Friends have always been v important to me as an adult so I have really tried and it’s paid dividends. I was a sad friendless child and was determined to change things when I left my crap home life.

I doubt it. Friendships just change as you get older. Always have.

The pandemic has legitimised ‘hating people’ somehow. I understand that some introverts enjoyed it but it seems really fashionable to be a misanthrope these days.

I'm 42. I've got a group of close friends I've known over 25 years (school and college), we see each other at least once a month, go away together and look out for/support each other. I've another close group of friends I've mostly known around 6-7 years (through the parenting network), we also meet regularly and go away together. Then I have a number of separate friends, most of whom aren't local, who I see less often, but are nonetheless friends for life.

So I don't recognise this at all.

i feel like this is a default explanation some posters have for a lot of things

Definitely not the experience my parents had, and for me, definitely a product of the last three years, (though I'm trying to avoid saying the L word in case of bonkers derails).

Again, my parents worked long hours, volunteered - but I still think the internet makes a huge difference.

I want to be like that again! Moving back to where I grew up, so maybe it will happen.

The way to make good friends is to do something meaningful together. The best friends I have made have been in:

clubbing tigether
working together
project togwther
charity work together

going for coffees and lunch is pointless and not the way to forge tight bonds.

I have a feeling I'm a lot older than most posters here

I had the good friends who stood by me for 20+ years, helped me through illness, injury, bereavement. But post 2020, they mostly vanished or are only around in an occasional text.

I've been lucky to have them but somewhat flummoxed to have to start again. I've joined everything I can since then but many groups just didn't stick together.

I don’t know about fashionable, but it’s incredibly common on here, even allowing for an over-representation of the socially-awkward and misanthropic on an Internet forum.

I also think there is a class issue at play. I find middle class people are far more formal and aloof in their friendships. So, I know mums from my dcs school who all live on the same housing estate who are friends. They are more likely to pop over announced or sit round each others houses...or they might do their food shop together. I have a group of MC friends...they'd be totally baffled if I knocked on their door and asked if they wanted to pop Tesco with me! We see each other but it's arranged in advance...they or I "host"...food, drinks are laid out. It's an event. There's a formality to it. Because of this effort it's not something we do every week, it's once every six months. The popping round culture doesn't really exist.

It becomes harder to make new friends as you get older. I think you have to make a real effort if that’s what you want. Also think it’s important to try and hold onto old friends - keep in touch, even if those friendships change and meeting up becomes less frequent.