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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is friendship becoming a rare thing?

97 replies

HettyMeg · 20/03/2023 22:13

I have a few good friends, but we don't see much of each other due to living in different parts of the country, having children, life moving in a different direction, and they are all individual friendships rather than a group.

Recently I've been thinking about groups of friends from school, uni and then in my 20s (working hard and playing hard). All three groups have fizzled out and I find myself feeling nostalgic for simpler friendship times. While I count myself lucky to have good friends, almost all of my friendships are separate, one on one friendships. There is no group, which makes it harder to arrange to socialise and keep those connections going because I so rarely get out as I have a young child, as do many of my friends, plus my nearest friend from my pre baby life is a minimum of 20 minute drive away (I have met a couple of people locally but friendships are still starting out). I also feel Covid has affected some of our friendships because people have become more used to staying in. Some have lost contact altogether.

I miss having a laugh with someone and it being normal and easy to meet up. Everything has to be arranged to a ridiculous degree. Everyone's life is busy busy busy all the time.

Has friendship changed in recent years?

I don't know what I'm really saying, I just miss my friends, am struggling to keep connected with them and also struggling to make new ones. It feels like friendship now is a mix of carefully planned lunches, the very occasional very planned night out, and whatsapp messages/liking things on Instagram. Approaching mid 30s and wondering if this is just life.

YANBU - friendship has changed these days
YABU - it's life... get over it

OP posts:
neverendinglauaundry · 21/03/2023 08:34

I've voted YABU because I think it's your life stage and the life stage of your friends that is making friendship difficult. I do think COVID has had an effect though

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 08:59

neverendinglaundry if you think it's related to life stages, when does it get better?

MatildaTheCat · 21/03/2023 09:11

If you specifically want group friendships you’ll probably have to instigate something. I belong to a book club which was started by 2 friends and they each invited 3 other friends some of whom knew nobody else. I knew 3 people out of the eight original members.

It worked so well. Over a few years some people moved and we had a couple of new members join. Now after more than 20 years we are a group of 6 and meet about once a month. I still don’t see most of them outside of that setting but we all really value each other.

Another friend of mine initiated a group of her friends, all vaguely connected but again, I only knew 2 people well and we meet occasionally for dinner or drinks. Of that group 3 of us meet a couple of times a month for a walk.

So be proactive and maybe try a few things? I tried a film club but that didn’t really work out at the time. Mixing in a few new people who are likely to be sociable really can work. But it takes time.

neverendinglauaundry · 21/03/2023 14:34

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 08:59

neverendinglaundry if you think it's related to life stages, when does it get better?

I think (hope) it gradually gets easier as your kids become independent as everyone starts having more time and ability to be spontaneous again. There was definitely an uptick in social life once people were out of the baby/toddler stage and hopefully again as they get to mid/late teens & beyond.

EntreMummy · 21/03/2023 14:46

At different life stages you make friends with different kinds of people -
I have always had lots of friends, some that come and go (E.g. when you move jobs or move house) and some that remain constant, even if you move away to other areas and don’t see them very often.

I have a great couple of groups of mum friends that live locally to me whom I see very regularly. We are all there for each other, help each other out and I love them dearly. All of these are friendships I’ve made post aged 35 when we moved to a new area.

but you do have to make an effort - as in, go out to groups for mums and kids, talk to other parents at the school gates etc.

if I relied on my “old” school / uni friends / pre kids work colleagues etc for my social life then it would be very difficult indeed as we all live far apart from each other and are at different life stages etc.

Mary46 · 21/03/2023 17:24

Book clubs you have to enjoy reading though... not sure can I blame covid. Finding friends quite flaky past few years. Or days committing to plans to meet.

Backstreets · 21/03/2023 17:37

Interesting question. I do feel that less than friendships as a concept it's the local community that has been lost to us over the past few decades. My nan tells me stories about how she was always in and out of her neighbours' apartments in the sixties. If I didn't volunteer for building things I wouldn't have visited a single neighbour of mine. Why should I? And I have moved around a lot as an adult, making friends but only keeping in touch via phone or messages as new distance parts us. Now as I'm entering middle age and having lived through a pandemic I really see the value in being part of an involved community, but fuck knows how to find one.

PeonyRose80 · 21/03/2023 17:46

@Raineth regarding the meeting up in cafes etc, do these friends now wfh? I think getting out of a house environment is more a thing now. I personally prefer not to be in my house socialising as now spend so long in it working.

soffa · 21/03/2023 18:03

I think people are more busy. I look at my parents, my mum didn't work so met up with other mums quite regularly. Then on the weekends they would go to the local pub with friends or to their house.

People now don't really go to pub, live further away, don't necessarily have the house space to host, babysitting is more expensive, people often prefer to exercise with free time & lots of people are tired.

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 18:43

neverendinglauaundry · 21/03/2023 14:34

I think (hope) it gradually gets easier as your kids become independent as everyone starts having more time and ability to be spontaneous again. There was definitely an uptick in social life once people were out of the baby/toddler stage and hopefully again as they get to mid/late teens & beyond.

Show quote history

Made no difference here. I think it's luck OP - please don't write it off, I just don't see the life stage thing being a factor unless you only have friends the same age.

Devoutspoken · 21/03/2023 18:48

Soffa surely that depends on where u live, I go to the pub with my friends

LethargeMarg · 21/03/2023 18:53

Yes I do. Not sure it's because I'm juggling so much that my social life is the one thing that I've had to sacrifice or whether things like social media mean we wear out our social batteries that we don't feel the need to make connections in real life as much as we once did

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 19:06

LethargeMarg · 21/03/2023 18:53

Yes I do. Not sure it's because I'm juggling so much that my social life is the one thing that I've had to sacrifice or whether things like social media mean we wear out our social batteries that we don't feel the need to make connections in real life as much as we once did

I definitely think this is a thing
I only ended up here because my real life friendships declined. It's been so valuable.

Mary46 · 21/03/2023 19:06

Yes life is busier. My friends all do full time. It doesnt leave much spare time.

soffa · 21/03/2023 19:10

@Devoutspoken well obviously but I live in London where I grew up & pubs are definitely less popular

Autienotnautie · 21/03/2023 19:11

I feel the same. I'm bit older than you. Have a few friends from youth but rarely see them. We tend to WhatsApp but I don't really know what's happening in their lives compared to in our twenties where we chatted every day and saw each other several times a week. I have a few mum friends who I see on school run and occasional coffee but don't feel close to them. I miss having the connection with people I could tell anything. I have dh but it's not the same.

autumn1610 · 21/03/2023 19:13

100% with you. My friends are not local and having just been broken up with by partner of 10 years, I am feeling it. I never thought it was an issue but not having someone local to pop into their house has hit me hard this last few weeks. Not only am I heartbroken I need to make some friends! He’s in a better position as he is local and I am not and have fallen into that trap of relying on him and his network for my friends. The ones who I do have have been amazing but it’s difficult when you are all in varying parts of the country

soffa · 21/03/2023 19:15

I had 2 good friends who prioritised exercising a lot, eg gym every evening & weekends. I started to find it really difficult to fit into their schedule as the windows became really narrow. One has eased up a bit & it's created some friction. They have assumed they would just slot back into my life but I have filled those gaps with other friends & activities tbh.

MMMarmite · 21/03/2023 19:16

I don't think friendship has changed at all. It comes logistically easier or harder at certain times of life, but there are always others who want to find friends, you just need to find them.

It's normal for old groups to grow apart to some extent, so you need to make sure you are also meeting new people who match your location and interests.

threeplusmum · 21/03/2023 19:18

YANBU - I've never been really part of 'a group' and tbh it wouldn't suit my personality as I'm quite reserved in groups. I tend to value one on one friendships but yes they do tend to fizzle out quite quickly as life can pull people in opposite directions. I'm quite lucky I have a good partner who is like my best friend and kids who seem to adore me and I happen to have a decent relationship with my mother.

Tarantellah · 21/03/2023 19:21

You‘ve reached a point in life where people are incredibly busy. Full time jobs, house and children to look after, ageing parents who need time and attention. All of those things come before spending time with friends, and children especially are very time consuming.

The people I manage to be friends with nowadays are either younger than me and don’t have kids yet, or older and their kids have left home. Everyone my age is super busy and inflexible so they’re never available at the same time as me.

Mochinated · 21/03/2023 19:31

Everyone so busy and stressed. Doesn't stop to think maybe a chat with a mate might help rather than staying home scrolling endlessly. No popping round. Everything has to be pre planned and often falls through because kids ill, partner working, Tesco delivery not on time...!!

It's exhausting trying to "book in" with people and I've nearly given up tbh.

I guess I'm not at the top of anyone's list 😕 I found friends or should I say mum friends I thought were actual friends reacting really weirdly when I gave birthday cards and flowers. None for me of course.

I have sort of slinked off into a corner 🤷‍♀️

Aria999 · 21/03/2023 19:31

@Penniless how do you make friends? Or does it just happen naturally for you?

I like to have friends but am naturally reticent and short on time so 3 years after our last move still don't really have any

Comedycook · 21/03/2023 19:32

In my twenties, my friends were part of my life.

In my forties, I live my life, and occasionally catch up with friends to tell them about it

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 21/03/2023 19:33

With the young people I know I see much more loneliness than in my younger days. They have to move so often for work - and work so hard, it is hard to make a good group of friends.

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