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AIBU?

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Original poster

NHS Domestic abuse interview at minor injuries unit

95 replies

justasking111 · 20/03/2023 22:06

So OH goes to the unit this morning a nasty splinter under a fingernail.

He was taken to a room and interviewed. Was he physically abused by me. Was he mentally abused eg nagging, belittling.

It's really unsettled me to be honest. OH is a bit odd at times. Say I ask him to help me with something or do me a favour he shouts and says I'm gas lighting him. (A favourite expression of his these days)

The nurse then told him she'd had two men admit last week that they were being abused.

OH thinks social services would handle it if the NHS took it further.

AUBU to think he might have said something to them and there will be consequences. I'm really rattled to be honest.

OP posts:
SoShallINever · 20/03/2023 23:33

Colourfingers2 · 20/03/2023 22:31

Hospitals don’t ask us men if we’re being domestically abused no matter what injuries we present with because almost nobody believes that we can be. They might ask how it happened to see if it’s a health and safety issue but no more than that. Nobody has ever asked me if I was being domestically abused in half a century and believe me I’ve been through some.
He is talking through his ring piece you’ve nothing to worry about.

This is just wrong, since covid (when DA went through the roof) we are trained to ask everyone if they feel safe at home.
DV in male same sex relationships is at 50%, so if a male tells me he is Gay, I will 100% ask if he feels safe at home.

To the poster who said hospital staff have to report DA, no they dont. As long as the victim has mental capacity, they have to seek consent from the victim to involve other agencies, unless the abuse is so severe that the person is in real danger (and I'd argue that person lacked consent).

PartingGift · 20/03/2023 23:43

justasking111 · 20/03/2023 23:32

That's what the nurse told OH What happens if you do flag it up?

Show quote history

Depends on what the patient discloses, but usually ask them for more information about what's going on, and offer them a referral to social services or another agency which can offer help, if they consent to it. If they say that they don't want it to go further, give them a patient leaflet with contact numbers if they change their mind. Ask if they have any children or are a carer for anyone, if they are they depending on what they have disclosed we might need to flag it up without their consent. We have a safeguarding team to get advice from. I haven't had many patients disclose things, but I always check with them if they do.

The nurse was probably asking probing questions because he gave them a strange answer.

I would not worry OP, even if social services do make contact, they are not going to take his word at absolute face value, and it sounds like he might actually be emotionally abusing you.

JudgeJ · 20/03/2023 23:44

justasking111 · 20/03/2023 22:06

So OH goes to the unit this morning a nasty splinter under a fingernail.

He was taken to a room and interviewed. Was he physically abused by me. Was he mentally abused eg nagging, belittling.

It's really unsettled me to be honest. OH is a bit odd at times. Say I ask him to help me with something or do me a favour he shouts and says I'm gas lighting him. (A favourite expression of his these days)

The nurse then told him she'd had two men admit last week that they were being abused.

OH thinks social services would handle it if the NHS took it further.

AUBU to think he might have said something to them and there will be consequences. I'm really rattled to be honest.

Maybe after that horrendous case of a man being abused by his wife for 20 years they've been told to be extra vigilant, in the same way that A and E would be vigilant over a woman's injury.
I recall years ago my 3 year old managed to fall off something and had a huge 'egg' on her forehead, the doctor insisted that she explained what she'd done, not me although I'd been there.

Beveren · 20/03/2023 23:59

JudgeJ · 20/03/2023 23:44

Maybe after that horrendous case of a man being abused by his wife for 20 years they've been told to be extra vigilant, in the same way that A and E would be vigilant over a woman's injury.
I recall years ago my 3 year old managed to fall off something and had a huge 'egg' on her forehead, the doctor insisted that she explained what she'd done, not me although I'd been there.

Show quote history

Seems unlikely. As I said, no-one was being this vigilant when I turned up I A&E with a bashed-about face, and that was only just over three months ago.

SoShallINever · 20/03/2023 23:59

The thing is DA and DV are absolutely rife. One in 4 women are victims of DV at some point in their lives. It is absolutely right that we ask these questions (to both women and men) and as a population we need to get used to being asked them.
I've lost count of the times I've seen an injured woman who's partner wants to do all the talking and won't leave her alone. Since covid I've been empowered to ban partners from my treatment room and they aren't coming back in.
A NT adult does not need a chaperone or someone to speak up for them.

EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 00:17

Hi just

Sorry to hear this. You have mentioned things about him before that seem very odd, I am also wondering about dementia.

I think if you get asked to answer questions, you must have the support of others who have seen his behaviour and you must tell any authorities who ask that he has been violent. I'm so sorry. I do think there's a high chance he's lying though.

Are you married, or will it be easier to go your separate ways?

Original poster
justasking111 · 21/03/2023 00:34

@EmmaEmerald he's not a liar, others on the thread have said this happens at their trust so it's quite established practice. I have plenty of witnesses to his personality quirks. Married nearly fifty years. So wouldn't consider divorce. But I'll be mortified if he's said/joked something daft which escalates.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 21/03/2023 00:57

justasking111 · 21/03/2023 00:34

@EmmaEmerald he's not a liar, others on the thread have said this happens at their trust so it's quite established practice. I have plenty of witnesses to his personality quirks. Married nearly fifty years. So wouldn't consider divorce. But I'll be mortified if he's said/joked something daft which escalates.

Okay, discounting the lying possibility (I actually meant him lying about what he told them, not lying about being asked)
could he be ill? A lot of what you describe is very odd.

i'd also worry he used the wrong words with them eg he says you're gaslighting him when that clearly isn't what he means to say.

monsteramunch · 21/03/2023 01:04

When I was in labour he told the midwife to get a bucket of water in case a baby girl appeared 🙈

Jesus Christ.

LuluLehman · 21/03/2023 01:43

Divorcedalongtime · 20/03/2023 22:39

Could he be getting dementia? My colleague talks much about her older sister who is in the early stages of dementia and the sister is very angry and suspicious of everyone and thinks people are trying to steal her money and clothes because she just doesn’t remember.

i was wondering the same thing

OldFan · 21/03/2023 01:53

@justasking111 OP he is a liar, when he says you're 'gaslighting' him etc.

He sounds very unpleasant and psychologically (previously physically) abusive.

He's enjoying making you anxious.

OldFan · 21/03/2023 01:55

i'd also worry he used the wrong words with them eg he says you're gaslighting him when that clearly isn't what he means to say.

@EmmaEmerald We've no reason to think it isn't what he means to say. But it's false and nasty.

Gunpowder · 21/03/2023 06:15

I don’t think he has dementia. I think he is a cruel bully who is trying to worry OP and make her doubt herself. I’m sure the nurse did ask him about DA because it’s a standard question. Maybe he gave a ‘funny’ answer (he has form for inappropriate and unfunny jokes). She thought maybe there was abuse and probed further -particularly because it’s in the forefront of her mind as two recent male patients were sufferers. He told OP about this precisely because he knows it will provoke this reaction. Just as he parrots ‘gaslighting!’ every time she says anything he doesn’t like.

OP he wants to scare you and make you doubt yourself. He is corecive and abusive. It’s not ok. I would encourage you to read the Lundy Bancroft book and see if any of it chimes with you. I’m so sorry you are loving through this marriage.

Gunpowder · 21/03/2023 06:15
  • living not loving
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/03/2023 06:56

JudgeRudy · 20/03/2023 22:36

I've had a few A&E incidents. I fell out of a wheelie bin and cracked my head (concusion) so got checked out. They seemed to believe my explanation. Next I tripped over a lead and broke my toe. No odd Qs. Last visit I'd popped into mums n she gave me a pairer knife (which I stupidly put in my jeans pocket). Forgot then at bed time when undressing thought 'oh what's that' and slashed my hand. At A&E l flagged up as 'regular' visiter....so head injury, broken bones and now knife injury. I was on my own and asked if there was anything else I wanted to add and that there was help if I needed it. When I got into a 'superglue accident' recently I was scared to go!
It possible your husband was asked about DA but I don't think splinters are usual signs. If he's ND or communicates in an unusual way people can mistake this for suspicious behavior.
If you've not abused your husband you've nothing to fear though I'd be pd up if anyone came to wuedtion me. DA isn't just physical. If he appeared anxious yd be 'cross,' or maybe he needed to get home to avoid 'trouble' they could be seen as signs too.
I think it's a good thing they're showing an interest.

Sorry to derail but you fell out of a wheelie bin?!?!???

RichardHeed · 21/03/2023 07:02

Married nearly fifty years. So wouldn't consider divorce. But I'll be mortified if he's said/joked something daft which escalates.
I’m sorry but he joked about drowning your baby if it was a girl… you’re past the point of being mortified. You’re part of the problem. I

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/03/2023 07:18

I know you say he's not a liar, but things definitely didn't unfold as he has described.

How did he get the splinter under his nail? That is what they asked him. And the only reason they would have then interviewed him about domestic abuse is if he told them "It happened while my wife was beating me with a plank" or similar.

They may also have been trying to assess whether he is just an unpleasant old man with a weird personality or whether he says odd things and reacts strangely because he is becoming confused. From what you say though, he has always been like that.

Justalittlebitduckling · 21/03/2023 07:47

The way people over use the word gaslighting now is problematic. Sometimes you genuinely have a mental health concern about a loved one but now it’s apparently always gaslighting. It’s used for basically any time someone disagrees with your perspective.

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 21/03/2023 07:50

DashboardConfessional · 20/03/2023 22:09

Dangling the threat over you that he may or may not have told them this is emotional abuse in itself.

This. It sounds like he’s making it up to dangle over your head (unless there’s a backstory that you’ve not mentioned where he went in with a black eye)

NerdyIsMyMiddleName · 21/03/2023 07:52

Just let them do their job - if he's alleging DV and there's nothing there (let them talk to any witnesses) then it'll be on his record, not yours.

Kefir · 21/03/2023 07:55

Divorcedalongtime · 20/03/2023 22:39

Could he be getting dementia? My colleague talks much about her older sister who is in the early stages of dementia and the sister is very angry and suspicious of everyone and thinks people are trying to steal her money and clothes because she just doesn’t remember.

This is what I was thinking although maybe it is just a Welsh NHS initiative as someone else mentioned.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/03/2023 07:55

DashboardConfessional · 20/03/2023 22:09

Dangling the threat over you that he may or may not have told them this is emotional abuse in itself.

I agree with this. I can't imagine they would ask about abuse when they saw a splinter. I think he must've said something to them or he is telling you this in order to frighten you.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 21/03/2023 07:56

He sounds like a truly horrible man, I don’t know how you’ve stuck it for 50-odd years.

Kefir · 21/03/2023 07:58

justasking111 · 21/03/2023 00:34

@EmmaEmerald he's not a liar, others on the thread have said this happens at their trust so it's quite established practice. I have plenty of witnesses to his personality quirks. Married nearly fifty years. So wouldn't consider divorce. But I'll be mortified if he's said/joked something daft which escalates.

Did he laugh about it with you and reassure you that he thought the qs didn't apply to your marriage (as that's what dh would do in this situation)? Or did he enjoy the attention (which would piss me off tbh)?

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/03/2023 08:03

I just can't understand why you would stay with somebody like this. He sounds absolutely horrible. If you are the same age as him then quite frankly, you only have another couple of decades left. Do you really want to spend them with him?