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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Keeping daughter off school?

96 replies

JoanneH12 · 20/03/2023 18:58

Hi all, my 12 year old daughter is having major surgery on the 5th April and she's gonna be bed bound for 6 weeks. My partner has just left me (not her dad), her dad works away Monday-Friday but he does have a week off for the initial surgery and whilst she is in hospital.

I'm worried about when she gets home from the hospital post surgery how I'm going to get my youngest (5) to school and pick her up again. I have severe anxiety anyway and my mum usually does the school run for me but she has just started a new job and my partner has been doing it recently. He was going to do it post-surgery but has today said he can't do this anymore and has left.

I feel like I'm going to have to overcome my anxiety and get her to school for the next few weeks until the operation but following that, I really do not know how I'm going to manage it.

Should I keep her off school for the duration? This seems excessive but I don't know what else to do. I have no other family who can help.

Thanks

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/03/2023 19:15

I agree with everyone - the 12 yo can be left whilst your take 5 yo in. Even if she’s bedbound she can survive 30 mins or so. If she needs help going to the loo etc, then just make sure you take her before you go, and leave her with water available to hand etc.

Would it be more useful if her dad had a different week off other than the week she’s in hospital?

LIZS · 20/03/2023 19:17

Some of that period will be Easter break and May bank holidays. Do any other pupils make the same journey so you can share school run. Breakfast club early enough for your dm to drop off. Neighbour or friend who could sit with dc while you do the school run or leave her on her own with a phone for emergencies.

EstellaHanclay · 20/03/2023 19:18

I wouldn’t want to leave a 12 year old who had just undergone major surgery though, perhaps in last weeks but definitely not in the first few.

Original poster

JoanneH12 · 20/03/2023 19:19

GingerBoot · 20/03/2023 19:09

I'm really sorry you're going through such a bad time. Everything does seem to be happening all at once for you.
I honestly don't think it's fair to keep your DC off school for 6 weeks to be honest. You do have a couple of weeks to try get some things in place. Firstly is, if you haven't already, get an appointment to see GP about your anxiety.
As regards DC's operation- is there any real need for dad to be off work whilst she is actually in hospital? Could it be more helpful for him to take his time off once she is home and needing more care?
Do you have any friends or other family members who can help with school pick ups?
Is your youngest DC your recent ex's child? If so, regardless of you splitting up, he still has a responsibility towards childcare so talk to him again about continuing to do this school runs.
Lastly, if you feel you can 'get through' few weeks of doing school runs, you really might surprise yourself with how strong you really are and how much you can achieve. This might be the start of you making strides towards opening up your world and finding different ways to cope with your anxiety, but you can do this with the help of your GP and maybe some therapy - this can be done online,if that helps.
Good luck with everything 💐

Thank you. I'm under the psychiatrist and have a cpn/care coordinator who comes out once a fortnight or so to see how I am as I also have bipolar. I'm on lithium, a mood stabiliser and a tranquilliser (promazine). I've had CBT and am on the waiting list for secondary care CBT which I've been told is more individualised and intensive so hopefully that will help but the waiting list is very long.

My youngest daughter has the same dad as my 12 year old. I agree her dad's time off may be better spent the week after she comes out of hospital and will speak to him about it. Thanks.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 20/03/2023 19:19

JoanneH12 · 20/03/2023 19:09

About 15 minutes away.

Show quote history

Then you need to get 12 up and settled and tell her not to move until you're back. You'll be 45 minutes max.
Then in the afternoon, on the sofa with the remote control and same rules.

Depending on the op, she might be able to manage the slow walk one end or the other after a month

Thesearmsofmine · 20/03/2023 19:21

12 year old should be fine on her own for 30 mins or so with a phone/Netflix on. I would also see if you could get someone to do either the morning or afternoon school run for you so you are only doing it once a day.

PotKettel · 20/03/2023 19:23

You’re having a rough time OP, I’m sorry.

When is your school Easter vacation? I wonder if your 5yo is off school for the first 2.5 weeks anyway.

Your 12 yo will be alright at home alone for short periods of time - leave her tucked up in bed with something to watch/read/do and also could you leave her with a mobile phone? Then she could call you in case of emergency, it would give you peace of mind.

Just take one day at a time.

i imagine while your dd is still
in hospital things could get tricky. Do you have a friend who might help?

i wouldn’t think twice about helping out a neighbour who had problems with school drop offs/pickups in a tricky situation like this but I appreciate for child protection/safety reasons you can’t just let anyone help you pick up your 5 yo.

I would definitely talk to your 5 yo’s school and explain, you might get some sympathy and flexibility around pickup time.

Original poster

JoanneH12 · 20/03/2023 19:23

Hobnobswantshernameback · 20/03/2023 19:14

Surely a sensible 12 year old could be left
Or am I missing something?

She's going to have two broken femurs, epilepsy, tourettes, ADHD and is on the ASD pathway (epilepsy is well controlled with meds). I'm very concerned about leaving her alone, maybe that's just my anxiety though.

OP posts:

ElizabethBest · 20/03/2023 19:26

If her epilepsy is controlled so she’s not at risk of a seizure, just FaceTime her while you walk your youngest there and back.

JustKeepSlimming · 20/03/2023 19:27

I wouldn't leave the 12yo if she couldn't get out of bed in the event of a fire. If she would be ok to do that, then I'd say leave her while you do the school run.

Where's the dad in all this? Fair enough he's taking a week off, but is he close enough to help out if he goes into work a bit late or something?

Failing that, you'll have to ask for help.

First port of call: do any of the other parents live vaguely nearby and could you ask them to pick up the 5yo? Offer to pay them. If there's a class WhatsApp, ask on that.

Next, ask school. They might have ideas.

Thirdly, could you phone a local secondary school and ask for a sensible 6th former to either walk your 5yo to school, or sit with your 12yo (you might have to drop the 5yo to breakfast club so the other kid can get to school in time).

Otherwise, ask neighbours, friends, anyone you can think of.

Cuwins · 20/03/2023 19:28

@JoanneH12
That information completely changes it in my mind. I wouldn't leave her because of the epilepsy diagnosis, even if it's well controlled now you don't know the effect that the surgery/pain and any medication she is on after may have on seizures.

EstellaHanclay · 20/03/2023 19:28

Ahhh ok. My child has tourettes also, I think it’s tricky to predict how tics will be after an op. There could be an increase/ tics which need physicallly managing so she doesn’t hurt herself. So either you or her dad will need to stay with her and a parent/childminder/neighbours I’m need to take five year olds to school I reckon.
do you know any of the other parents well? Could you ask few of them to do a week each? That plus Easter plus the dad changing his leave would sort it.

GingerBoot · 20/03/2023 19:31

I think this might have been an easier journey for you if you'd explained in your OP why 12 year old couldn't be left alone for a short length of time.
Now you have explained, then of course its understandable why this is not possible. Yes, you will have some respite due to Easter holidays and May Bank Holidays but I would definitely go ahead and ask dad if he could change his leave to more suitable time when he is most needed, not just when is convenient for him.
And as others have suggested, speak to the school. They may have funds and/or ideas on how they can help younger DC get to school. And please don't feel you can't ask friends with children in same school to help out. People can sometimes surprise you with how kind and generous with their time they can be

VariationsonaTheme · 20/03/2023 19:32

Their dad needs to either stay with the 12yo or do the school run.

GoodChat · 20/03/2023 19:37

Are there any childminders or walking school buses in the area that could help you out for a few weeks?

If you speak to the school they might be able to help with private transport, or are there any neighbours who could sit with the older one?

I can't believe everyone's saying to leave a 12 year old who's had major surgery before you'd even said what the surgery was!

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 20/03/2023 19:39

Ok so 15 mins there and 15 back, is that walking or could you drive?

Is that including waiting around time?

Would it be possible for you to drop her off early or late to avoid waiting around for the class to be opened?

Are there any other kids nearby who travel in every morning, would their parents be willing to take her in if you get your DD to them, if it was around half way on the route then you could just walk 5 mins so you'd be leaving your 12 yo for only around 10 minutes which is less time then it would take to hang up the washing outside or take a shower.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 20/03/2023 19:40

Well that's a pretty significant drip feed

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2023 19:40

You either need to pay someone to take the 5yo to school or to sit with the 12yo while you do the school run.

Is there a local mum or neighbour who could help you out?

MajorCarolDanvers · 20/03/2023 19:40

Surely your 12 yr old is ok in the house for the duration of the school run?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2023 19:41

VariationsonaTheme · 20/03/2023 19:32

Their dad needs to either stay with the 12yo or do the school run.

Their dad works away Monday-Friday.

LIZS · 20/03/2023 19:41

Could you or dd dad afford a childminder shortterm?

GoodChat · 20/03/2023 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MavisMcMinty · 20/03/2023 19:44

The trouble with omitting the most pertinent information from your OP, @JoanneH12, is that people who CBA to RTFT will be saying for the next 38 pages “just leave the 12-year old while you do the school run”. How did you not feel that worthy of inclusion? It changes everything!

Hobnobswantshernameback · 20/03/2023 19:44

It significantly changes the situation and what posters mights sensibly advise.
Lovely calling posters who are trying to offer pragmatic advice and helpful suggestions arseholes
How lovely you sound

SleepingStandingUp · 20/03/2023 19:44

JoanneH12 · 20/03/2023 19:23

Show quote history

I think that's a pretty massive splash feed op, entirely different to a nt kid with a broken arm.

Her Dad needs to step up. Can he work from home, condensed hours, short days, etc? Is he even TRYING? What about his family and friends stepping up for his kids?

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