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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this being overprotective?

74 replies

Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:23

My 12 year old DD has been invited to go to an adventure park for her best friend’s bday. It’s three hours away from us. Her best friend’s dad (who I don’t know and never met) is taking the two of them there, the best friend also wants my dd to stay over, which will possibly be either at a nearby travel lodge or back to his place.
I’m absolutely not keen on any of this and of course my DD is very unhappy that she might not be allowed to go.
Even if the dad gave me all his details like his address, phone number etc I’m really hesitant to let her go. Why pick a place so bloody far, especially when there are plenty of nearer adventure places closer? And at what point is being 12 old enough just to be asked to stay over at complete stranger’s homes or in a hotel? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 16:24

Why don’t you drive and collect?

Branster · 20/03/2023 16:25

If this is her best friend, surely you know the mother?
Have a chat with the parent you know well and take it from there.

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 16:25

How long have they been best friends for?

Ludo19 · 20/03/2023 16:27

I wouldn't be comfortable with that if I'm honest.

WakeMeUpInspring · 20/03/2023 16:27

Very overprotective. Presuming your daughter has a phone as she's at secondary school, she can stay in touch with you.

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 20/03/2023 16:28

I wouldn’t have any problem with this at all unless there’s some huge drip feed about how the dad has just been released from prison or something.

crossstitchingnana · 20/03/2023 16:30

What do you think he will do? Find out about rooms, are the girls in one and he in the other?

Christ, yes overprotective.

cartagenagina · 20/03/2023 16:30

What’s your concern OP?

AnImaginaryCat · 20/03/2023 16:30

WakeMeUpInspring · 20/03/2023 16:27

Very overprotective. Presuming your daughter has a phone as she's at secondary school, she can stay in touch with you.

Pretty much thuis.

The first time they go away will always be difficult. That's not a reason to prevent it though.

SavBlancTonight · 20/03/2023 16:32

It's slightly odd that you don't know your dd's BF's dad though? Ds is in year 7 and has a new BF as he didn't know anyone when he arrived, and I already know the dad. Not well, admittedly, but we've met multiple times, chatted etc because there's a constant flow of the two boys at one or the other house.

It's not entirely unreasonable to check that your views on how this would work and the other family's views are in line but it is over protective to issue a blanket no.

BumpySkull · 20/03/2023 16:33

YABU, very overprotective

Daisydu · 20/03/2023 16:35

I’d be fine with it if it was a friend I had known of for a while. Probably not if a new friend. But I’d always chat to the parent aswel, just in general about it. But yeah I’d have let my dd go at that age

Oblomov23 · 20/03/2023 16:35

Sounds completely overprotective. How long have they been best friends?

Original poster
Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:35

I don’t have a car.

The parents are divorced. I’m not particularly friendly with the mum but I do know from the daughter that her parents don’t get on and barely speak to each other. I know absolutely nothing about the dad, but I hope to god he’s not an ex con! But that’s exactly my reasoning why I’m not keen on letting DD go because I don’t know who this adult is.

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 20/03/2023 16:35

100% honest... I would do this if it was a mother but not a father. Which is probably sexist. But I wouldn't want my daughters sharing a hotel with an unknown man.

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 16:39

Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:35

I don’t have a car.

The parents are divorced. I’m not particularly friendly with the mum but I do know from the daughter that her parents don’t get on and barely speak to each other. I know absolutely nothing about the dad, but I hope to god he’s not an ex con! But that’s exactly my reasoning why I’m not keen on letting DD go because I don’t know who this adult is.

Drop the mum a message and explain little concerned as never met him but presume all ok?

Whatsshecalled · 20/03/2023 16:39

Quite surprised by the replies so far as I don't think you're at all unreasonable and Im usually considered a wildly slack/lenient parent in these threads. My Y7 12yr old has new friends I haven't met the parents of and I wouldn't be at all happy about her staying 3hrs away with an unknown adult.

LockEmUp · 20/03/2023 16:39

But I wouldn't want my daughters sharing a hotel with an unknown man.

This doesn't make any sense! Or do you book the whole hotel out every time you want to stay somewhere? Hotels are full of unknown people, that's why each room has an individual lock.

It would depend on the family and how
long we'd known them. I'd let DD go with BF1 but not BF2. Same as I'd let her have sleepover at BF1 but not BF2's.

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 16:42

How long have they been best friends?

PuttingDownRoots · 20/03/2023 16:42

LockEmUp · 20/03/2023 16:39

But I wouldn't want my daughters sharing a hotel with an unknown man.

This doesn't make any sense! Or do you book the whole hotel out every time you want to stay somewhere? Hotels are full of unknown people, that's why each room has an individual lock.

It would depend on the family and how
long we'd known them. I'd let DD go with BF1 but not BF2. Same as I'd let her have sleepover at BF1 but not BF2's.

I meant hotel room obviously. Which they would have to do since 12yos can't have their own room.

BlingLoving · 20/03/2023 16:42

Why don't you ask the mum? If they've got a bad relationship and she's STILL letting her daughter go, that's a good sign surely? And then ask the dad what his plans are re hotels etc? I mean, is he sharing with the kids? Would your dd be okay with that? Do you have specific concerns about reactions you DD would have? You should discuss those with him.

We are considering inviting DS (also 12) BF to come with us for a few days away in the summer. But I wouldn't dream of doing that without a chat with the mum and dad about what they would expect, any particular challenges he might present etc. Nothing major - just a quick touching base conversation so that I know that he gets hysterical if he sees a spider and hates eggs etc.

Unicorn34 · 20/03/2023 16:42

I would ne worried but also would want to meet the dad face to face over a coffee or similar, talk about the trip, where they would be staying and what the set up would be. Until you've met and know facts, how can you make a decision? If it still feels "off" and you've done all that, then maybe go too? Is that possible?

JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 16:42

But I wouldn't want my daughters sharing a hotel with an unknown man.

Surely they wouldn't be sharing the same room?

Original poster
Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:44

Since DD started secondary school she’s made loads of new friends and I’ve let her have sleepovers on a fair few occasions to these new friends’ places but they’ve all been close and I’ve actually briefly seen or said a few hellos to the parents but This is someone I’ve never met.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2023 16:46

I really don't see an issue with this - sounds totally normal for that age group.