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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this being overprotective?

74 replies

Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:23

My 12 year old DD has been invited to go to an adventure park for her best friend’s bday. It’s three hours away from us. Her best friend’s dad (who I don’t know and never met) is taking the two of them there, the best friend also wants my dd to stay over, which will possibly be either at a nearby travel lodge or back to his place.
I’m absolutely not keen on any of this and of course my DD is very unhappy that she might not be allowed to go.
Even if the dad gave me all his details like his address, phone number etc I’m really hesitant to let her go. Why pick a place so bloody far, especially when there are plenty of nearer adventure places closer? And at what point is being 12 old enough just to be asked to stay over at complete stranger’s homes or in a hotel? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 20/03/2023 16:46

Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:35

I don’t have a car.

The parents are divorced. I’m not particularly friendly with the mum but I do know from the daughter that her parents don’t get on and barely speak to each other. I know absolutely nothing about the dad, but I hope to god he’s not an ex con! But that’s exactly my reasoning why I’m not keen on letting DD go because I don’t know who this adult is.

I never understand why people don't just have a conversation in these situations? it's perfectly reasonable not to want to send your dd off for a few days with someone you don't know. But that doesn't mean you have to make a unilateral decision to say no. Why don't you just get more info so that you get answers to the questions and THEN decide? Ask your friend's dd about her ex. Call the dad and ask if you can get some more info before you make a decision. Agree specific rules between you and your DD.

It doesn't have to be a complicated thing.

Flowerblooms · 20/03/2023 16:47

i wouldn’t let my son go who is currently 13 unless I knew the parent.

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 16:47

Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:44

Since DD started secondary school she’s made loads of new friends and I’ve let her have sleepovers on a fair few occasions to these new friends’ places but they’ve all been close and I’ve actually briefly seen or said a few hellos to the parents but This is someone I’ve never met.

So they’ve been best friends for a few months? Has she stayed over?

Original poster
Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:47

God I’d never let dd share a hotel room with a friend’s dad!😮

OP posts:
QuackMooBaaOink · 20/03/2023 16:49

Nope you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Why the heck would anyone be OK with a COMPLETE STRANGER taking their daughter 3 hours away and staying overnight somewhere?!
Absolutely barmy. You've never met him, have no idea what he's like as a person (or a driver!) No idea of any firm arrangements. Not a chance I'd be letting my daughter go.

Original poster
Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:50

Yep they’ve been on and off best friends for about a year. Her mum keeps herself to herself but I think I will definitely have to do a bit of digging about the dad before I let her go. And I would want all his details too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:57

one of the things I’ve noticed since dd stared secondary school is that socialising is all done by her and her friends, I’ve not met any of the parents only texted a couple to find out addresses when it comes to picking up or dropping off. Luckily all her friends live locally so I’ve been ok about her going to her friend’s homes, but this seems too much of an unknown situation. I’m glad there are some other parents that don’t think I’m being unreasonable ☺️

OP posts:
HarrietStyles · 20/03/2023 16:59

Would absolutely not allow that for my 12 year old. Stay in a hotel 3 hours away with a man I don’t know anything about, or his background? A hell no from me. Look - there’s 99.9% chance he’s a lovely sensible guy, but I just wouldn’t be willing to take that tiny risk that something awful could happen to my child. Your child would then have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Call me over protective, but I just would not be willing to take that risk.

JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 17:01

I never understand why people don't just have a conversation in these situations?

This. OP, why don't you meet him?

Iwonder08 · 20/03/2023 17:04

Not a chance I would let her go with the complete stranger somewhere 3 hours drive away and overnight. At 12..i dont know why so many people think yabu, but it is just not sensible. Just because he is someone's dad it doesn't make him any less risky given OP doesn't know anything about him. It is also a rather weird choice of venue.. Why 3 hours away?

aslkde · 20/03/2023 17:08

Personally I would not agree to this. I don't care if people think I am over protective - my child would not be spending the day (or night) with an adult I don't know, especially if I didn't have the means to get them if needed.

Spending time with new friends is fine, but my child and I both know that, I would go collect them with no questions asked at any time of night or day.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/03/2023 17:09

Unfortunately op, from now on, you will be unlikely to ever know the parents who give your dd lifts or have sleepovers. School gate adult friendships finish in primary. It's one of those things you might not be happy about, but if your dd doesn't go, she'll be the only one not.
My dd 12 had a sleepover for her birthday - 6 kids all at my exes house, he didn't know any of them nor the parents. They all came.

Goldenbear · 20/03/2023 17:12

A bit strange and DH and I would not let our nearly 12 year old do this. Would he be in the same hotel room? I am surprised he's want to do that DH wouldn't.

5128gap · 20/03/2023 17:12

No, I don't think you're being over protective. In my experience there are huge variations between people with regards to what is safe and appropriate for children. I'd not let my child be staying over, 3 hours away, unless I knew the other parent well enough to know we were on the same page.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/03/2023 17:13

Unicorn34 · 20/03/2023 16:42

I would ne worried but also would want to meet the dad face to face over a coffee or similar, talk about the trip, where they would be staying and what the set up would be. Until you've met and know facts, how can you make a decision? If it still feels "off" and you've done all that, then maybe go too? Is that possible?

This is just never ever going to happen in secondary.

PinkSyCo · 20/03/2023 17:15

I think it’s pretty obvious what you are worried about but I’m sure the poor bloke just wants to bring your DD along just so his DD has someone to enjoy her day and go on the rides with. Let her go.

Goldenbear · 20/03/2023 17:17

I think the secondary school friendships don't have that familiarity anymore but I would say it is too far at that age. I mean I've not met except at a 6th form college open evening my DS's friend's parents but he's nearly 16 he's going to other people's homes nearby and he would be able to advocate for himself.

cartagenagina · 20/03/2023 17:18

What if the sleepover is at the dads house? Is that OK?

My DD had a best friend who lived with her dad full time. I only ever saw him in passing. At secondary you rarely even get that. Even if you did, if you think you have special paedophile detecting powers you are crazy.

ilovewispas · 20/03/2023 17:19

It would be a no from me op.

ElonsMusky · 20/03/2023 17:19

PuttingDownRoots · 20/03/2023 16:35

100% honest... I would do this if it was a mother but not a father. Which is probably sexist. But I wouldn't want my daughters sharing a hotel with an unknown man.

not "probably sexist".

It's 100% sexist.

Original poster
Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 17:35

In essence this is what’s worrying me…
A stranger taking my daughter 3 hours away for a day and a night (with a possible stay in an hotel) and I have no way to get to her if something happens.

When I write it down simply like that I think that I’m not being unreasonable. She’s 12. It might be secondary school but she’s still very young!
Maybe I am being too distrustful but I’d rather be overprotective while she needs it, she’ll have plenty of time to be irresponsible when she’s older! Thanks to those who’ve clarified my decision. X

OP posts:
JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 17:38

I have no way to get to her if something happens.

what do you think is going to happen?

ElonsMusky · 20/03/2023 17:44

JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 17:38

I have no way to get to her if something happens.

what do you think is going to happen?

I often wonder what happened to our generation (assuming here a lot of us are in the 35-45 range) between the time we were kids and now.

As kids we'd be 5 miles from home on our bikes with no adult supervision for 10 hours and be expected home for dinner when the street lights came on. We'd get skinned knees, broken bones, all kinds of bumps bruises, cuts and scrapes. We'd sleep over a friend's house every weekend or have friends sleep at our houses. I feel so bad for kids these days.

Now these same people are grown up and want to bubble wrap their kids and are obsessed that some horrific danger lurks around every corner, despite the indisputable fact that crime (including violent crime like child abduction) is much lower than it was in the 80s.

GenuineNine · 20/03/2023 17:45

YABU and overprotective. Ask for his number and give him a call.

You'd really stop your DD dong a nice thing as you cannot just touch base with another parent, not nice for your DD.

JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 17:54

I often wonder what happened to our generation (assuming here a lot of us are in the 35-45 range) between the time we were kids and now.

Lots of shit happened. Like child abuse being covered up, because families didn't want a scandal. Plus we have internet with 24/7 scaremongering.
OP needs to get in touch with the dad and just talk about things.

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