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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this being overprotective?

74 replies

Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 16:23

My 12 year old DD has been invited to go to an adventure park for her best friend’s bday. It’s three hours away from us. Her best friend’s dad (who I don’t know and never met) is taking the two of them there, the best friend also wants my dd to stay over, which will possibly be either at a nearby travel lodge or back to his place.
I’m absolutely not keen on any of this and of course my DD is very unhappy that she might not be allowed to go.
Even if the dad gave me all his details like his address, phone number etc I’m really hesitant to let her go. Why pick a place so bloody far, especially when there are plenty of nearer adventure places closer? And at what point is being 12 old enough just to be asked to stay over at complete stranger’s homes or in a hotel? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

5128gap · 20/03/2023 17:56

ElonsMusky · 20/03/2023 17:19

not "probably sexist".

It's 100% sexist.

Show quote history

So to avoid being 'sexist' to the poor discriminated against men, we should allow our pre teen daughters to share hotel rooms with unknown ones? Heard it all now.

Tamaix · 20/03/2023 17:58

I was about 10/11 the same thing happened to me. My best friend since nursery asked me to go to Alton Towers. We live in the South. Her dad, who I'd never met, and his fiancee, drove us both there, we camped overnight to get 2 days, and then drove me back. It was fine and I remember it fondly. I don't think my parents had met the dad before he came to pick me up, but they had known her mother for years and very close

Tamaix · 20/03/2023 18:02

The tent situation meant that me and my friend shared one sleep section of the tent and the dad and his fiancee were in a separate sleeping compartment. It had a shared centre ifyswim

Lovetotravel123 · 20/03/2023 18:03

I wouldn’t be keen. Also because we don’t know what his driving is like.

IamnotSethRogan · 20/03/2023 18:06

Make contact with the dad. My child is the same age so I completely understand the anxiety over parents friends suddenly being unknown.

It's likely that this adventure park has been selected as it's somewhere the daughter has wanted to go. They may end up being friends for years so having a conversation and introducing yourself to father will be a good idea.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 20/03/2023 18:09

@Okaydocky you say you’d never let her share a hotel room with him - but isn’t that exactly what’s being proposed? How else is the travel lodge working?

momtoboys · 20/03/2023 18:09

I wouldn't like it either.

BevMarsh · 20/03/2023 18:10

I'd speak to the Mum initially regardless of them not being together.
If happy I'd then speak to the friend and ask that she passes in my phone number to her Dad so we can arrange for him to come over for a chat (or I'd go to him).
DD would not be going until I'd met this man.

Kastri · 20/03/2023 18:10

YANBU in my opinion.The overnight if in same room is not appropriate.

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 20/03/2023 18:13

YANBU.

And yes, plenty of bad things happened in previous times because parents were too relaxed about who their children spent time with.

Original poster

Okaydocky · 20/03/2023 18:18

I let my dd go on buses to the shopping centre with friends on her own. She’s gone for absolute hours. She goes to local places with her friends all the time.

This has to do with a person I don’t know going on a 3 hour drive away that causes me concern. And I honestly can’t believe that if I say no to this that I will be ruining her childhood or ruin any future friendship with her friend either.

OP posts:

JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 18:18

But they will not be sharing the room surely?

Choconut · 20/03/2023 18:20

You have to have someone over 18 in a room at a travelodge so what would he do there? I wouldn't be happy with that. I would let her go on the day out (make sure she can contact you at any point by phone), but not to stay over.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2023 18:23

Choconut · 20/03/2023 18:20

I would assume he'd book interconnecting rooms - he'd stay in one and the girls in the other.

That's what my parents did when they took my friends and I away for things like this.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 20/03/2023 18:25

Luckily my little one is only 2 so I don’t have to worry about this by or while but I’ve never worried about it until that little girl who was murdered having a sleep over at her friends house.

That has sent me into overdrive about it when it eventually does happen. So I get your concerns OP.

Obviously I’m not trying to frighten you just sharing my own concerns.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/03/2023 18:29

But what's the difference between the man being in the same travel lodge room as your daughter and his house? Eg like on a sleepover. In fact, of the 2, the travel lodge would be safer as there's cameras dotted about, and other people.

JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 18:30

Depends whether or not sharing the same room.

Dimebag10M · 20/03/2023 18:32

Nope. With an adult you don't know? How is that overprotective? In my line of work it takes just 1 minute for a child's innocence to be taken away. Overprotective, maybe... but I wouldn't risk it myself!

KathieFerrars · 20/03/2023 18:33

Its a no from me mainly because of the staying overnight. Id just worry about his driving, the state of his car, how much supervision he'd do. 12 year olds are dappy and giddy when they get together. If it wasn't overnight and I had met the man and chatted to him then fine.

blubberball · 20/03/2023 18:41

Part of me wants to say let her go and have fun.

But I completely understand where you're coming from. I think you need to at least get to know the family a bit better.

billy1966 · 20/03/2023 18:48

Absolute not.

Not a chance.

I also couldn't imagine any of the parents of my children at that age entertaining this.

Yes in secondary school the children make their arrangements, but we dropped to houses and introduced ouras did parents dropping.

3 hours away with a man I don't know?

Not a chance and not over protective IMO, and even if some think it is, I wouldn't care.

Mef82 · 20/03/2023 19:01

You are absolutely not being over protective, and are completely on the ball in saying a flat no. Most copped on men would not offer to take a 12 year old girl away over night without at the least initiating contact with her parent/s. They would be aware that the child's parents would be concerned. They would want to protect themselves from any suspicions. The fact that they would even allow the invite to be made without any input from them is dodgy. A 12 year old is a sitting duck three hours from parents in the middle of the night in a hotel room / house / tent whatever.

WinterMusings · 20/03/2023 19:17

JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 16:42

But I wouldn't want my daughters sharing a hotel with an unknown man.

Surely they wouldn't be sharing the same room?

I assume they would as 12 year olds aren't allowed their own room.

At 12 I'd expect, but remind, her to get changed in the bathroom & id make sure she had decent PJ's to sleep in for the Dad's comfort as well as DD's coverage.

it's really no different to any sleep over where you aren't close friends with the parents. You don't know which parent will be home (or if any! & that's something you need to ASK if you're not happy for them to home alone at any time.

why this theme park??? Presumably that's where the BF wants to go for her Birthday.

Whatsshecalled · 20/03/2023 20:26

"Okaydocky · Today 18:18

I let my dd go on buses to the shopping centre with friends on her own. She’s gone for absolute hours. She goes to local places with her friends all the time.
This has to do with a person I don’t know going on a 3 hour drive away that causes me concern. And I honestly can’t believe that if I say no to this that I will be ruining her childhood or ruin any future friendship with her friend either."

Yep, these are the exact same freedoms my 12 yr old dd has, she isn't over protected and has been on sleepovers with new friends in the local area but I wouldnt let her go 3hrs away, overnight with a man I had never met. To be honest, the fact he hasn't tried to contact you himself is a bit wierd, if I was taking someones 12yr old 3hrs away over night, Id be contacting them myself.

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