To think a break with my baby is ok?

[Dazedandconfused2023]

Appropriate name change here.
My husband and I had a falling out yesterday, we have three children 5 and under and he didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day.
I got so upset, expressed enough for the baby for a couple of bottles and left him with the children to take myself out for a few hours. Came home later, having bought my own flowers, and didn’t speak to him.
I cooked myself and the children dinner and went to bed.

This morning I saw a texts he’d accidentally sent his Mum on the group message I am on too. He called me childish for not talking to him and not cooking his dinner. His Mum thinks I have post natal depression, what??!!!

Then I thought I might take myself near to my parents house with the baby (in an air bnb) in the Peak District for a few days just for a break. My other children would be in school / pre-school this week. I was thinking I may do this on maternity leave anyway. The drive is over 3 hours so not looking forward to it on my own with the baby…. But maternity leave boring, something to do, and let’s see how dh cracks on doing his own dinners for a few days!

Then…. My Dad phoned me and told me not to come, he said my place is with my children, to sort it out with dh, and not to come visit them?! He’s in his late 70’s.

What!!??? The break is because maternity leave is boring, to see them, give dh a kick up the bum etc. The kids will be fine as he’s mostly taken the lead with the other two anyway as I’ve had the baby.

AIBU?

@Dazedandconfused2023 sorry to hear about the rubbish Mother's Day.

Do you think it's best explaining to DH why it hurt so much he didn't do anything for Mother's Day from him and the children.

Maybe write a message or letter and leave it for him. Stating in there you have no concerns for post natal depression but in fact you are hurt and upset back his lack of care. Explaining why it hurt your feelings.

Maybe he might then take time to read and take this in to apologise. Then you could share with your parents hopefully issues at home have been resolved and have your break in the Lake District that DH would be supportive of this too?

The reason I said letter than a conversation is to avoid it getting heated and become an argument

Talk to your bloody husband. You have three kids, you owe it to them to stop acting like a pair of infants yourself.

Also, yes Mummy disappearing off with new baby, that’s not traumatising to an under five-year-old at all!

Sorry should have said, this morning when I say the group message with his mum I text this back. Which I also told him yesterday. So he knows why I’m upset!

“Wife here… just to say I wasn’t being childish, I just got so upset and distraught (dh) hadn’t got me anything for Mother’s Day that I went out for the day. Especially as my sisters and friends were texting me what their thoughtful partners got them. I think it was especially mean after all the running around I did for his birthday last week. I will talk to (dh) today about it all.”

I’d always planned to go to theirs sometime with the baby during the week anyway. It’s a lovely area and I literally don’t do much apart here apart from lonely walks, feed the baby, get the baby to sleep…. Repeat…. Collect the other kids.

Also as previous I did talk to him he just said “I didn’t think it was a big deal.” 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you celebrated Mother’s Day in the past? Do you do anything for your respective mothers?

Yes we have done stuff before and yes I went shopping with dh on Friday to get his Mum something as we saw her Friday afternoon. Yet…. I got nothing. I know DD has been talking to him about a Mother’s Day present for me so I guess he just ignored her?

To be fair the AIBU was more about my Dad saying it’s my place to stay at home!

DH and I will be fine but he has to realise it’s not okay to make me feel worthless and I think that’s sinking in!

Be honest with yourself:

how much of the going to stay 3 hours away with just the baby because you want to see your parents and how much is to carry on punishing DH?

That’s mean of him & selfish especially since you did nice stuff for his birthday

him looking for support from his mother makes it worse. Did she text back anything after what you said ? I wouldn’t really get her involved or your parents either - I would try and resolve it yourself (I think by going out yesterday yourself and buying your own flowers and cooking but not for him is quite enough to give him the message)

though you are 100 percent in the right

Of course it’s still to ‘punish him’ a few days away will make him realise how much I really do and maybe think twice about not getting me anything for Mother’s Day. But incidentally it’s an opportunity to see my parents for a few days. Not sure why my Dad says my place is at home, he said that before when I suggested it even though I wasn’t having an argument at that time with DH.
My sister and my brother have both visited my parents recently either with none of their children or with only one of them so I don’t get why it’s particular to me that I’m not welcome as I should stay at home with the kids?! The only thing is my brothers wife is a sahm and my sister is rich so guess they don’t want to annoy her?

DH and I are okay… though still waiting for an apology!

YANBU. Plan to go somewhere else with the baby. Do you have a friend's you could go and see for a few days? Or maybe even a couple of days away by yourself with the baby? Your husband is being an arse and shouldn't be running to his mum to run you down. It wouldn't have taken him any effort to get you a card from the kids and cooked dinner for everyone.

And it was perfectly fine for you to go out yesterday. Ignore those who tell you otherwise.

Your father sounds like a patriarchal arsehole. Was he always like this? And have you spoken to your mother?

I think there's quite a bit to unpick!

Re: issue with your DH. In a nut shell - I think you did the right thing going out yesterday ect. But for the sake of your relationship going forward i feel it would be better to sit down with him and talk about how you feel, rather than taking yourself off again.

Re: your parents: that all seems really weird! Ovbs not related to what's going on with DH it seems as they've tried to block you going there with the kids in the past already.

Have you asked them outright why they treat you differently to your sisters ect?

I'd message your DH and ask him to clarify:

"Just to be clear, going forward you don't want us to celebrate Mothers Day and Fathers Day. What about birthdays, Valentine's Day? Are they not a big deal either? And shall we just do the kids for Easter and Christmas? Just want to make sure we're on the same page about how we celebrate holidays and special events so there's no further disappointment going forward.'

I'd also cut down on some of the stuff you do at home like cooking for him. If acknowledging your efforts on Mothers Day is 'not a big deal', then he can't appreciate your contribution that much and it won't be a big deal if you stop doing stuff.

I couldn't imagine acting like this because of a mother's day present, but I have no interest in mother's day. It sits in the same place as valentines day for me. But if it means something to you, and he knows it means something to you, then fair enough.

It does read like you're wanting to go away with the baby to further punish your DH.

So many things to unpick here, OP. I’m sorry for your rubbish Mother’s Day. It is not an appropriate response to leave for a week. Mother’s Day is actually a very small thing, in the scheme of things.
”Punishing” your husband is not right. Do what I like to call a “reverse google” and ask the internet what it means if your husband is looking for “fault” and “punishing” you for your mistakes. The answer is abuse. Don’t treat another person like that. If you can’t stand him, leave him. If you can stand him, but the way you feel towards him has drastically changed since having this baby, reconsider the PND question.

My PND was characterised by a desire to run away and make my husband feel bad like I felt bad. I also described maternity as boring and lonely. Even though I was up to my fucking eyeballs in kids, nappies, dirty bathrooms and Ella’s fucking Kitchen Veggie Straws. I’m surprised I had time to feel “bored”. But I did.

One last thing: cut the guy some slack - do you think the only person in a relationship that suffers at being outnumbered by 3 under-5s is the woman that birthed them? He is now a father (I presume a working one?) to THREE very young children, and so maybe he forgot. Literally everyone makes mistakes, even you.

If he’s anything like my husband, he can merrily sit around playing on his phone / reading and not count that time as personal relaxation time or notice / care that I’ve had none of the same. It’s enough to drive me spare sometimes, when I’m running around like a blue arsed fly. So I tell him. “That’s not good enough”.

My kids aren’t old enough to facilitate Mother’s Day themselves and so I do not request it of my husband in their stead. I expect my husband to be a team player and show me respect all year. I ask that he makes sure they wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and bring me whatever shite they’ve made in school / nursery. So that they can have a little taste of that respect themselves. It’s a day for children to learn what is appropriate. It’s a day to lead by example. Punishing them all by taking a trip away is not leading by example.

This is all supposed to sound kind. I’m sorry if my tone seems overly stern - I find it hard to come across well in writing. Here is a flower. 🌺

OMG I can’t believe most responses are ignoring what your Dad said to you!

Your father does not get to make rules about how you interact with your family. Who the hell does he think he is? Overbearing ass.

What does your Mum think?

Sadly, if your father is so disapproving of your visit it’s not going to make for a pleasant time with him, so I’d say cancel but go somewhere else instead. Do you have any friends you’ve not seen in a while? Go and stay near them instead.

It sounds like you’re having an almighty strop and are annoyed your parents won’t facilitate it.

Fine to be annoyed about no MD fuss but you huffed off, gave him the silent treatment and are now planning to go away for a week.

Communication clearly isn’t a strong suit of your relationship. Work on that properly instead of being so impulsive and dramatic.

Your desire to punish him will negatively impact your other kids, over a single day. Take a step back, it’s ridiculous.

She planned the trip to her parents before the argument.

Are you seriously suggesting that it is prohibited for a mother to go away with one child while the others are at school, looked after by their other parent?

This, in a nutshell.

When a man gives silent treatment to women we consider it abusive.

Was a a gift you wanted ? Or just something to mark the occasion?

You sound like it's a gift and you are throwing a tantrum because you didn't get it. I hope it was actually his inability to mark the day that's the issue

Your group chat message did NOT put you in a good light !!!

Just to be clear I AM having an almighty strop! Last week my 5 yr old DD was bouncing around about her idea for Mother’s Day and I said to both of them have a chat about it. Was it unreasonable therefore to expect something on the day!? I felt massively let down then not to get anything. If they’d said they hadn’t thought about it I probably wouldn’t have had much expectation for the day.

When I’m upset instead of shouting etc it’s my MO to make sure everyone is safe, okay and then take myself out of the situation for a few hours to calm down. I asked my husband yesterday if I could have time to myself as I was upset, he said yes. I pumped a couple of bottles for the baby, told DH where they were in the fridge and went out.

How many posts on here do we read about wives putting up with husbands that don’t help, husbands texting other women, partners going out when they’ve got a newborn etc etc.. I saw one on here yesterday of a partner kicking a woman out of the family flat because she didn’t chose him over his Mum and she was waiting to see if he calmed down enough to give her the key back??

So think I’m allowed to have a strop!

We’ve had a chat and said in future we need to make sure our expectations are the same.
My DD’s idea btw was to get me a cake. He didn’t get me one.

I told my parents I have things going on today and Tuesday, would talk to DH and would like to book an air bnb on Wednesday for a few nights, I think it’d make him appreciate exactly what I do for him and the kids a bit more of course… but we wouldn’t still be arguing. And maternity leave is lonely, none of my mum friends have a third, my family don’t live nearby, I’m trying to fill my days by chatting to other mums I don’t know and that’s exhausting. It’s hard talking to strangers trying to get to know each other.

My Dad mentioned about the drive before but he repeatedly says “your place is at home with your children.” He doesn’t want me to come up without them (even though baby would come with me and it would be the older ones with DH). My sister was not told the same neither was my brother and I don’t know why. They both have three young children too.
If it’s the drive say it’s the drive what’s all this “your place” business?! My Mum does not agree with what he says I think but they are old fashioned. She packs his suitcases for traveling, cooks all
his meals etc.

Anyway of course I’m not going when my Dad is being like that. I just said they could be more supportive especially when I was upset as where do you turn if you can’t rely on family?

Lol ok

I wouldnt be leaving my kids because I've thrown a strop over something with my DH, that isn't my kids fault. So maybe that's where your Dad is coming from. Coming for a nice visit because you want to is different to storming off in a strop over a mother's day cake.

I’d take the few days away - it sounds like you really need a break.

if it helps - I went through similar when the dc were small and even thought of going it alone quite seriously and dh got a bit of a shock then when his brother and wife separated (first in the family to do so as very traditional and religious)

now he is very thoughtful about things - it’s going to take time to heal - it’s not about Mother’s Day is it?? It is about being taken for granted day in and day out and he’s shown that by how you were treated yesterday