To think a break with my baby is ok?

[Dazedandconfused2023]

Appropriate name change here.
My husband and I had a falling out yesterday, we have three children 5 and under and he didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day.
I got so upset, expressed enough for the baby for a couple of bottles and left him with the children to take myself out for a few hours. Came home later, having bought my own flowers, and didn’t speak to him.
I cooked myself and the children dinner and went to bed.

This morning I saw a texts he’d accidentally sent his Mum on the group message I am on too. He called me childish for not talking to him and not cooking his dinner. His Mum thinks I have post natal depression, what??!!!

Then I thought I might take myself near to my parents house with the baby (in an air bnb) in the Peak District for a few days just for a break. My other children would be in school / pre-school this week. I was thinking I may do this on maternity leave anyway. The drive is over 3 hours so not looking forward to it on my own with the baby…. But maternity leave boring, something to do, and let’s see how dh cracks on doing his own dinners for a few days!

Then…. My Dad phoned me and told me not to come, he said my place is with my children, to sort it out with dh, and not to come visit them?! He’s in his late 70’s.

What!!??? The break is because maternity leave is boring, to see them, give dh a kick up the bum etc. The kids will be fine as he’s mostly taken the lead with the other two anyway as I’ve had the baby.

AIBU?

tbh i'd just ltb now. and i say that as someone who's nearly 23yrs down the line with more children than you and has filed for divorce. he's showing you what he thinks of your contribution to the household...ie he doesn't value you or have the same values as you. Your father is appalling although i wouldn't leave a 3 & 5 yr old unless they were used to being left for overnights tbf

I get that you’re upset but don’t take it out on your children. I’m sure they would all love to go to visit your parents. Don’t make the others feel left out just to spite your husband. 😞

Urgh, a family group chat with your in laws where you air your dirty laundry?

I haven't read the whole thread but my guess is the "falling out" started before mother's day. He either didn't get you anything bc you were already fighting ...OR he totally just forgot.

If the former is true, what do you expect?

If the latter is true then that really sucks but you're acting like a child isn't helping.

The only thing that works in a marriage is communication. So your dad is right....go talk to your husband.

I also think it's hilarious when some of my girlfriends talk about their husbands this way, like he can't make himself dinner. LOL...oh I'll show him by going away for a few days and laugh at how his universe collapses without me there to cook.

Do you both agree on you going away for a few days? He's ok with you spending the money of a little vacation for yourself? If so, great. If not, would you be ok with him doing the same?

I'm not sure why you are getting a hard time. On all the other posts about mothers day the advice is almost always, take yourself off, leave him to it with regards to the kids and when someone actually has the audacity to do it, oh the horror! I should be clear it is never the advice I would give, I disagree with it as I don't think it solves anything. I'm all for communicating and I'd just be direct and tell him why I was hurt. I'm starting to realise that most people don't take the most obvious or sensible approach though, not a dig at you just a general observation on the mother's day posts I've read.

I think it was incredibly juvenile of him telling his half arsed side of things to his mother and I would have been angry at that. Judging by your dad's message he told him too. I don't blame your dad for thinking that it is better for you to stay at home and sort the problems out.

Your text was a great response to his mother! This doesn't sound like a hill you'll die on your annoyed eventually he'll realise, apologise (hopefully) and you'll move on. Fair enough if this is your preferred way of handling things.

Your dad sounds awful, OP. Very sexist and not supportive at all.

I think you're being OTT about the mother's day stuff. I mean, yes, it was shit that your dh didn't get you anything and didn't even respond to your dd's suggestion by going out to buy a cake - I think you're entitled to be pissed off by this and to tell him that you are disappointed that he didn't make an effort. But to say that you're "distraught", to stop speaking to him for a few hours, and then to want to "punish" him by buggering off for a few days with the baby...sorry, but I think that's a massive overreaction. (Fine to go away on a preplanned trip - though in your case, I wouldn't go to your parents - but it's clear in this instance that you are doing it at least partly to get back at him, and I don't think that's OK.)

As a pp said, I think you need to work on your communication skills as you could have handled this better. You can then use those improved communication skills to make it clear to your dh that you expect him to make more effort, and that actually, it is a big deal to you even if it isn't to him.

My reaction to stuff like that is always to take myself off. I take the time to calm down and also in this instance I didn’t want to shout or cry in front of the kids.

I was never going to storm off to the Peak District not having spoken to him but I did think the timing might serve to remind him exactly how much running around I do after everyone.

Just think my parents should have said “you’re welcome to come anytime, we’d love to see the baby. Just try and clear the air with DH first so it can be a relaxing holiday.” Or something like that.
I have accepted that’s not going to happen!

I should have known, I remember phoning home to tell them I was engaged. Mum was home alone and asked me to get DH to phone my Dad to ask for permission to marry me… then announce it. His other son in laws did… I thought it was more tradition and respect than misogyny. But my Dad is my Dad and in many ways has been a good one.

Jezzzz, what a performance over a cake!
if it’s that important make one with your children yourself!