To think a break with my baby is ok?

[Dazedandconfused2023]

Appropriate name change here.
My husband and I had a falling out yesterday, we have three children 5 and under and he didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day.
I got so upset, expressed enough for the baby for a couple of bottles and left him with the children to take myself out for a few hours. Came home later, having bought my own flowers, and didn’t speak to him.
I cooked myself and the children dinner and went to bed.

This morning I saw a texts he’d accidentally sent his Mum on the group message I am on too. He called me childish for not talking to him and not cooking his dinner. His Mum thinks I have post natal depression, what??!!!

Then I thought I might take myself near to my parents house with the baby (in an air bnb) in the Peak District for a few days just for a break. My other children would be in school / pre-school this week. I was thinking I may do this on maternity leave anyway. The drive is over 3 hours so not looking forward to it on my own with the baby…. But maternity leave boring, something to do, and let’s see how dh cracks on doing his own dinners for a few days!

Then…. My Dad phoned me and told me not to come, he said my place is with my children, to sort it out with dh, and not to come visit them?! He’s in his late 70’s.

What!!??? The break is because maternity leave is boring, to see them, give dh a kick up the bum etc. The kids will be fine as he’s mostly taken the lead with the other two anyway as I’ve had the baby.

AIBU?

I agree with you OP.

You’re being taken for granted and treated like a house maid. He could literally have gotten you a card and flowers for less than a fiver.

Clearly telling him doesn’t work so you need to show him how much you do for the family by leaving him to do your role.

Your family don’t sound supportive. I hope you have others in your life who are.

so sorry xx

Sorry to drip feed but… my brothers first wife was cheating on him and my Dad told him to stay with her because they had a daughter together (who was about 1 at the time… how do you find the time for an affair!?).
He is Irish catholic so maybe it’s his upbringing?
btw my brother did not stay with his cheating wife and happily remarried!

You are clearly very hurt and dissapointed OP and feeling taken for granted as well as having a lot on your plate, most people would feel angry as a result of the let down. Your DF is out of order dismissing your upset and saying you should stay at home, that's sexist and uncaring. What about your Mum, can she offer support. The fact your DH went on group chat moaning about you is a bit pathetic, but maybe his DM is genuinely worried about you. How do you usually get on with her. Could you get your baby down for a nap and have a rest yourself. Maybe it would be nice to have a break with your baby but maybe you could be at home and hand reins over to DH. Write a card and say you felt hurt and dissapointed, it's not asking for much. Would you feel better getting some rest and making a resolute decision not to engage in Father's day at all. It's petty but maybe your DH doesn't get how much it means to you, if he isn't bothered himself about stuff like that. He needs to know this is a big emotional issue where you don't feel seen or valued.

YABVU to make a baby do a three hour drive to punish your DH for not meeting your standards on mother’s day.

My DH forgot all about the first three mothers days, I never even had a card until Dc were at preschool. My reaction? Mild irritation, and acceptance that DH had never been the cards and flowers type. I did not sulk, or strop, or refuse to talk. Because I’m an adult.

Not talking to your DH to punish him was childish and not ok. Some would call that emotionally abusive behaviour by you.

Taking the baby away is childish, selfish and not ok.

Either you have post-partum depression and need to deal with it, or you’re just immature and selfish, I don’t know you so I don’t know which. But I agree with your Dad you should stay home and sort this out with your DH not run away from your problems/ strop off like a spoilt teenager.

I’ll be honest, your reaction seems pretty childish to me and it was probably quite disconcerting for the children to see your storm out and then arrive back and refuse to speak to their Dad. I think as an adult who has chosen to marry and have children you have a responsibility to try and talk things through rather than just having a strops

Are you on the same page as for what you want / expect for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day?

My DH didn’t mention Mother’s Day once yesterday. I got one school made card from one DC, the other one didn’t do it at school (maybe too old for that now?). Now I am fine with this - I wouldn’t want anyone to waste money on a card, flowers, crap present etc for Mother’s Day. I did have a lovely family day but it was nothing to do with it being a special holiday. We saw friends (another family with DC) who also didn’t mention Mother’s Day and hadn’t done anything for it.

Now I guess all of that would have been unacceptable if my DH and I were on the same page that we want spoiling on Mother’s Day / Father’s Day but we are on the same page that we don’t - so all is good.

I guess it sounds like you aren’t on the same page and the solution to that is to talk.

Your dad sounds fucking delightful. Tell him fine, they dont want to see you and travel 3 hours to an Airbnb in the opposite direction, tell your mum why.
your DH is also awful messaging his mother to complain about the lack of dinner FFS. Sounds like you have bigger relationship issues sadly. Or are stuck with arseholes from the 60’s

so upset and distraught (dh) hadn’t got me anything for Mother’s Day

Being ‘distraught’ is totally OTT, and having your ‘almighty strop’, fair enough being annoyed and telling him so, even taking some time out for yourself and not making his dinner is fines. But your attitude is really over dramatic. It’d be nice to go visit your parents with the baby but I wouldn’t do it on a strop.

Think ppl need to read previous posts. I didn’t storm out, I asked dh if it was ok to go out as I was upset then sat there for 30 minutes pumping two bottles for the baby. Not sure that’s storming.

Its a better alternative than shouting/crying in front of the kids!

3 hour drive perfectly reasonable to see grandparents. We’d stop halfway for a break. Car seats are ok for up to two hours for an older baby.
My other children would be in school/preschool weds-Thursday-Friday and with their Dad for dinner bedtime.

I guess the nay sayers are camp DF who think a woman shouldn’t leave her older children for a few days! For me- the timing is ok- because DH needs to appreciate all the running around I actually do!

Anyway we’ve had a discussion about expectations and I’m doing nothing for another week except some baby drop ins, small talk and feeding. 🤪

I think its absolutely fine to go away and visit family without taking DH and all DCs. I don't think it's okay to see it as a "punishment" and make DH realise how much you do for him.

Mothers Day is a very minor holiday. I'm sorry your expectations weren't met, but there is obviously huge communication issues going on that need to be resolved. Your DF sounds old fashioned, and MIL sounds like she may be concerned, DH is allowed to chat to his Mum about things, as long as he then discusses any issues and concerns with you too.

This is the bit I was referring to, which I thought was childish. It’s the leaving and then not talking to your DH, which your children will have picked up on (not ideal surely?)

Came home later, having bought my own flowers, and didn’t speak to him.
I cooked myself and the children dinner and went to bed.

I wouldn’t say I’m team DH but I will say that if my DH had a strop about Father’s Day and left the house for the afternoon in a strop and came back and didn’t talk to me, I probably would have texted a close friend about him and it wouldn’t have been completely complimentary.

I don’t think women shouldn’t leave their children at all. Everyone needs a break. If you need a break, take a break. BUT I don’t think you should leave your children for a break BECAUSE you were upset about Mother’s Day and following an argument with the children’s father when you have been ignoring him. I don’t think that’s in their interests.

I’ve had time on my own when DH has taken the DC away. It’s great for everyone. I haven’t done it following an argument about something so silly though.

Maybe DH and I have an unusual relationship (quite possibly) but if I’d wanted a cake I would have told him I wanted a cake. Last year I decided I didn’t want a birthday present because there was nothing I particularly wanted but I made sure he knew what kind of cake I wanted. I didn’t get a present and I got the right kind of cake. When his birthday is coming up I ask him what he wants to get or do. I hate the idea of having to read between the lines.. someone is bound to get upset.

OP how long have you been on MN. Have you not realised that there are people on here that will take any opportunity to condemn you.

You sound very measured and balanced in your approach. These same people would call you toxic and abusive if you said you shouted. Ignore them.

This. It’s sounds ridiculous and your dad is right; sort it out with your husband, at least for the sake of your young children instead of stropping off like a sulking teenager.

You both need to grow up and talk about what you want from the relationship. All this fuss and upset from so many women about mothers day is beyond common sense. Having a strop and storming out isnt really on with young children.

Yeah, they’re good points.
TBF… I didn’t want a cake it transpired my oldest DD wanted to get me a cake but she is 5, so DH would have had to do it and even though she asked him he didn’t.

On the not talking to him when I got home no I was still too upset but knew the baby would need feeding and my boobs would probably start leaking if I didn’t get back. I didn’t want to cry in front of the kids.

I grant you it’s a big reaction but all day was getting texts from my sisters what they were doing/presents they had got. Same on the class whatsapp, same on Instagram etc etc. and it did just basically make me feel like shit and upset the whole day. DD talking Mother’s Day up this year made me think he had actually worked with her to sort something!

It’s ok now had a chat about making expectations clear and phoned up DF to tell him the 1950’s are over!
I would really like to visit before maternity leave over in August because I find the weeks lonely and drag out. But I think I’ll leave it as parents obviously aren’t on board with me coming up just with the baby.

Your dad is right. I'm sure you're welcome to plan a visit to see them but you shouldn't be running away to punish your husband by making him walk in your martyred shoes with the other children.

When you took your vows there was probably a bit in there about supporting you as a couple and your dad is doing that. Hes telling you not to run away from your marriage and to stay and fix the problem.

Men and women travel for work and leave kids with their other parent.

People telling OP she must stay home with her 2 other children are sexist as fuck.

Just to be clear my Dad has said it before without an argument involved.
He has told me before my place is at home and not to come. My others dc’s are 3 years and 5 years and in the week they’re in preschool/school and childminders, phoned him today and he said a mothers place is at home and not to leave the kids with their father. So it’s not just the drive!

He’s nearly 80 so will just roll my eyes at him and crack on!

(FYI kept them at childminders after school because the childcare provision where I live is like gold dust. Don’t want to lose the space! I pick them up 4:30pm. If DH was here alone he’d pick them up at 5pm as he wfh.)

i think social media has a lot to answer for (though I’m totally on your side with this)

why people need to brag and boast on a public platform is beyond me

I can empathise with how you are feeling about Mother's Day ❤️. I had a feeling my DH hadn't planned / bought anything the day before - so mentioned it to him and that I'd like to do something and he planned a last minute day out.
I would have liked for him to have arranged something without being promoted, but if I hadn't mentioned anything we would have done nothing and I would have been pissed if (2yr old and 3month old here).

Your dad is being unreasonable and I would be sad about that 😩.

I'm also finding Mat leave very lonely and isolating this time round and that is with my first being born in lockdown! But I do also have PND. Meeting mums was easier the first time round!

Look, you were entitled to tell your dh that it was crap of him not to do anything. When my dc were little they used to make things for me, which was lovely. Mothers day isn't about buying gifts, it's about doing something thoughtful when the children are little. You were being unreasonable though in turning it into a huge strop. Going out for the day and then arranging a break away with just your newborn as a punishment is a huge over reaction. Your mil wasn't unreasonable in asking if you had pnd, as I would have jumped to the same conclusion, and your df wasn't unreasonable in not facilitating you continuing the strop.

As an add on to my pp, which might have come across as harsh, the only times my dh and I fell out were when I was looking after a newborn. I was knackered, boobs hurt, felt like crap, and whilst I didn't have pnd my fuse was very short.

"I literally don’t do much apart here apart from lonely walks, feed the baby, get the baby to sleep…. Repeat…. Collect the other kids."

Well yeah, that's what happens when you have 3 kids under 5. You both sound childish and like you're competing for "time". You've chosen to have 3 kids, why leave them just to "punish" your husband? Does he only work school hours?

The people in their seventies of today have literally no excuse for thinking a woman’s place is at home with children, much less saying it. If he thinks that it’s because he’s a misogynist and was probably one all his life. Sounds like you’ve married one too, not getting you anything for Mother’s Day when you’ve got three young kids and at least one of them was excited about it is so poor.

Exactly!

Imagine if my reaction was so OTT because I did have PND and I asked my parents if I could visit them and they said no. It just makes my DF’s reaction worse doesn’t it. It could be the last straw hearing “your place is at home” if you reach out.

I wouldn’t like to leave my children at the weekend or for a long time but midweek is ok surely.DH works from home 9-5 so covered by school hours and childminder.

My one mum friend with 3 kids has similar ages and her DP was talking about going to Dubai for 3 months on a work secondment. She had told him to apply because she didn’t want him to resent her even though she knew it’d be a struggle without him (not least because her baby wakes up a lot).
Of course what they do is up to them but is anyone telling him his place is at home, nope!!

Your dad is a misogynistic dinosaur, you're very patient to just roll your eyes at him. Why not go somewhere else with the baby for a couple of days - they're so portable when they're tiny.