I'm a terrible daughter for being embarrassed of my stroke victim father

[Boussa]

When I was 16 my father suffered a series of strokes which transformed the dynamic of my immediate family. My dad went from being the macho but weirdly sensitive man to essentially a person needing 65% of his needs met. Fine, them the cards we dealt with it.

Its just now as I'm engaged where introductions are being made that I sadly wish my dad was the way he was. I don't know how to describe it. My dad behind close doors is respectful if a bit needy. But when my in laws are around he suddenly becomes very abrupt borderline rude. My dad can barely communicate with strangers but I'm embarrassed by him. He randomly interjects, belches and can bark orders. But fundamentally he is a good person and used to work 2 jobs to send me to private school. I correct him and he promises to adjust his behaviour but it never materialises..

I'll always do right by him but he embarrasses me. We went to the nice country pub near our home for lunch today for no reason he started using his hands to eat a VERY sloppy pizza. I feel like he knows better but maybe he doesn't now.

I feel bad for mourning a "normal" dad.

I have never shared this. AIBU? Anyone relate?

Just be relieved the series of strokes didn't kill him, cherish the fact that he's still with you. It's clear he's disabled and if visitors can't make allowances then they're basically not very nice.

As hard as it must be for you, it must be even harder and debilitating for your dad. I think you must remind yourself it is really not his fault. We all deserve kindness, it sounds mortifying enough to be in that kind of condition without worrying those close to you are embarrassed of you. Why are you embarrassed exactly? He is still your dad. If you’re worried of what others might think, those who matter won’t mind, and those who mind shouldn’t matter! Seriously, with context everyone should understand and who cares about the opinions of strangers who you won’t see again. Nobody goes home and dwells on the fact they might’ve glanced at another diner making a mess in a restaurant.

I think you are still grieving the dad you used to have. Grief is complex and not 'one size fits all'- although many people expect it to work in a set pattern. You are seeing your father through the eyes of other people, but you are projecting your feelings. You want to apologise on his behalf, I get that, but it could be that those who come into contact with him are not offended. At the end of the day - your father has suffered a devastating brain injury and usually this will massively impact a person's mental health and emotional wellbeing. You need to find a way to reframe your perspective in regards to your father as he is now and the new relationship you have. How you do this is down to you as is how you get there.

Sometimes strokes can cause personality changes.

Dont be hard on yourself or him. It's hard for you all. Sometimes if you really think through your feeling you might find that it's something you feel as a defensive thing because you dont want people to judge your dad on the man he is now.

It's hard Xx

My Mum had a stoke and died 6 weeks later, in those 6 weeks she could raise her hand and sometimes speak.
Friends would come and visit but only once... they are not family friends anymore.

My mum suffered enormously and i was glad when she died,...she was a proud woman reduced to a shadow of her former self,.... she knew this but could do nothing about it.

If i were you, i would treasure the times your dad is more "normal" and grow some thicker skin for when he isn't, you 'll miss him when he isn't here at all.

It's really sad that he's not "him" anymore clearly his executive function has been affected and he no longer cares/is aware of social norms and behaving appropriately

I would think getting engaged is making you aware that you don't have your "Dad" to walk you down the aisle, just this over version that is different.

Grief is a long slow process, please get support to help you deal with it

I had to think about this as my father died of a stroke.

I wasn't embarrassed as aside from confusion about the present and being paralysed he was still the same beautiful man. Really steady, decent and engaging.

But the sense that you want people to see him as he was in his prime, completely understand.

Which side brain stroke was it? I'm sure your soon to be parents in law and others understand what strokes do.

I prefer eating pizza with my hands though :)

Best to his recovery.

His brain has been massively affected. You just need to be 100% compassionate. His life will never be the same while yours will go on. Cherish all the good bits about him and ignore the rest. You can always apologise to people afterwards if you need to… but they probably don’t need it, they can see he’s had a stroke

My Dads stroke killed him.

For the last week he was in a hospital bed, with a Tracheotomy, hardly able to communicate, and having to have his lungs suctioned .. it was a horrendous time.

I think you come across as incredibly shallow, I can only hope the other people you father comes into contact with are slightly more understanding

I don’t think this is the choice of life he would have made for himself either.

I totally get you OP. My dad didn't have a stroke but had chemo radiotherapy to his brain stem which has left him in a similar way. While I'm so glad he's still with us his behaviour can be tricky at times. I say that as a parent of an autistic child who also has tricky behaviour. It's so hard

FWIW it think its normal. I used to feel embarrassed when my young looking mum would sit down on shop displays or ask for the asda electric scooters because I would think people would think she was behaving socially inappropriately or because she looked young and healthy that she was doing a Marge from Benidorm but actually she had terminal cancer, it was too late to treat her and she was exhausted. I remember being acutely embarrassed when I met her in the town where I worked ar lunchtime and she had her Zimmer in case colleagues saw us.

But when I really thought about it, I wasn't actually embarrassed ABOUT her, I was embarrassed FOR her and that those clues would give away that there was something private going on and I didnt want people to know and give pitying looks.

She was this fearless strong woman who fought for mein childhood and changed peoples lives and for her to be so weak and scared, I knew SHE was embarrassed and I was almost waiting for someone to challenge us and it ruined our last few outings worrying what people were thinking.

So, yeah....its normal, I get you. Under the embarrassment are some hard and deeply personal feelings. Just love your dad and know that people are more understanding than you give them credit for. It's the whole reason for those pish sayings about walking a mile in a mans shoes before judging them X

I feel for you, I have a family member dramatically changed by a stroke.
As their life was hanging in the balance, all we wanted was for them to live. Which they did, but very much changed. We grieve for the person they were, even though it was quite some years ago. Until it affected my family, I had no idea of the destruction a catastrophic stroke would cause to so many lives.
I think at this new phase of your life, it’s another layer of grief for you. It’s hard. 💐

You are not remotely shallow. You are just being honest. I was sorry to lose my mother when she died, but it was an end I could grieve. It is incredibly difficult to lose a person you love and be left with a version of who he was, which is what you have. And that can be hard to come to terms with. I worked in stroke care and have seen how hard it can be for families who have had their lives affected by stroke. Your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. Remember that, and be kind to yourself as well as your dad. You will find a way to manage the situation.

Stroke is a brain injury, causing unusual responses...... Be more tolerant, read up and explain his behaviour to your in laws. He can't help it.

@ExtraOnions Same here, aside from the lung problem. It all varies so much. I'm sorry ❤

I'm sorry OP, things like this can be quite triggering so people start talking about their own experiences.

Was it a series of TIAs? Please don't feel embarrassed with him, the majority of people DO understand. And the ones who don't can bugger off.

Your dad sounds far more interesting company than somebody who thinks people have to conform to a set social niceties to be acceptable.

So what if he eats sloppy pizza with his hands, really?

Your embarrassment is based on some construct entirely in your head. Ironic really that the person you’re so embarrassed of loved you enough to pay for that self same middle class education with all its frigid politeness and social mores. Enjoy your dad for who is - if he’s inappropriate just tell him off and laugh. Enjoy him while he’s still around. Care about him more than other people’s snobbery.

It is hard to see the change and witness the judgemental looks from others when an adult does things that are not always socially acceptable. It is hard to see the damage that a brain injury can do. It is hard for you both, it sounds like some of your dad's responses may be due to him feeling stressed in more social situations. Those who judge him are not worth your, or his, time.

Being compassionate does not mean you are not entitled to your feelings.
There are many of us that cope day to day but wish totally that things were different

how sad for your dad that his own child is embarrassed by him

No, don't feel bad, it's perfectly natural to feel this way. I think some of the posters on this thread have no idea what it is like seeing someone you love, someone who was in total control of themselves have this stolen by a stroke. Strokes can completely change someone's personality and rob them of knowing how to behave, how to eat, how to do all manner of things.

My father had a series of massive strokes that was so hard to watch what they did to him. He was paralysed down one side of his body, had little speech but did manage the occasional swear word. He had this wild look in his eyes, like he was a caged animal trying to escape. It was devastating and really rather frightening to see him like this. He was often worse when he was in public spaces and around people he did not know, almost like he was playing up to a crowd. I was relieved when he died a few months later.

Please don't be hard on yourself.

Do you honestly think you wouldn't be embarrassed by your dad if he hadn't had a stroke? Most young adults find their parents embarrassing at times. It comes from being young and self conscious. I don't care at all how my parents present themselves to the world now, I'm too old and knackered myself to care.

dont let people guilt trip you with their pathetic comments. Ignore them.

Your feelings are valid. You are only human too. Its hard. Best to you both.

YANBU.

it’s hard. I know we are supposed to be 100% compassionate about everyone around us - but the reality is - it’s hard - it is embarrassing sometime - we miss the person we knew.

All you can do is try to explain and hope that the in laws understand. Your dad probably is finding these meetings stressful himself hence the deviation from his new normal character.

xx

Basic premis OP is that it is fine to deeply care for them and feel embarrassed at the same time and no you're not an awful daughter

This. It is how it is but you are going to have mixed feelings about it.