I'm a terrible daughter for being embarrassed of my stroke victim father

[Boussa]

When I was 16 my father suffered a series of strokes which transformed the dynamic of my immediate family. My dad went from being the macho but weirdly sensitive man to essentially a person needing 65% of his needs met. Fine, them the cards we dealt with it.

Its just now as I'm engaged where introductions are being made that I sadly wish my dad was the way he was. I don't know how to describe it. My dad behind close doors is respectful if a bit needy. But when my in laws are around he suddenly becomes very abrupt borderline rude. My dad can barely communicate with strangers but I'm embarrassed by him. He randomly interjects, belches and can bark orders. But fundamentally he is a good person and used to work 2 jobs to send me to private school. I correct him and he promises to adjust his behaviour but it never materialises..

I'll always do right by him but he embarrasses me. We went to the nice country pub near our home for lunch today for no reason he started using his hands to eat a VERY sloppy pizza. I feel like he knows better but maybe he doesn't now.

I feel bad for mourning a "normal" dad.

I have never shared this. AIBU? Anyone relate?

You're only human, OP. Don't be too hard on yourself

@highfidelity "He was often worse when he was in public spaces and around people he did not know, almost like he was playing up to a crowd"

Wow, I'm on the verge of tears from heating your description. The alert eyes...😢

I've always been self-conscious and no amount of talking to myself seems to correct this innate trait.

My dad will want for nothing (we chose not to put in annout of the home facility) and is treasured. I just wish he didn't scream for a napkin whilst we're out for dinner.

I just don't want new people in our lives thinking poorly of him. It hurts.

Your feelings are valid , not easy to say and easily judged.Think of him as a stroke survivor, not a victim. Try it, change your perspective and see how strong he has been to be able to come out to a meal and embarrass you! View him through that light and help him see that strength too, then gently nudge him about some behaviours. xx

My father was terminally ill with cancer, the strokes were something that happened towards the end. He was in hospital and we had taken him in a wheelchair outside for some air. He insisted on going into the hospital canteen and somehow managed to lurch out of the wheelchair and grab a roast potato off someone's plate. As he tried to eat it, he looked like a naughty schoolboy with the couldn't care less expression to match. That look in his eye is something I will never forget. It's like you can see the real him trapped inside, screaming to get out.

Fifteen years later I can laugh about this and almost think fondly of it. In fact, I haven't thought about this incident for years and until I read your post. Back then, I was mortified. But now, it's a somewhat amusing tale, or at least one I can tell with a wry smile. I have no doubt the sloppy pizza eating will be one for you.

Be assured that no-one new in your life will think poorly of him. And if they do, they are not good people who are showing you exactly who they are.

Wishing you and your dad all the very best.

i think you are shallow and immature after all the sacrifices he has made for you too!

You need to adjust your expectations around his needs......he'd have probably been a little more comfortable at home having a nice meal than in a ' nice country pub ' where he'd have felt out of place and under pressure, as well as meeting new people it's a recipe for disaster.

Actually I think it's normal when you get engaged to see your own family from the outside in it is a form of self consciousness really. Also wondering if you yourself measure up.

I think these feelings pass after the wedding usually. Unless the in law relationship is fraught for some other reason

My dad had a brain tumour which effected him more as time went on and it was heart breaking, remembering the man he was, so different to the man he became.

I understand why you feel so guilty feeling like this, and it’s a feeling I rarely acknowledge. It’s put away in a box along with other feelings that I felt during the time my dad was ill.

I would probably explain to your in laws the situation and then it’s up to them how they deal with it or feel about him.

of course, I’d do anything to have my dad with me in any form now, but that won’t make you feel any better xx

i think you sound like a terrific daughter xx

That is so cruel and horrible and shows you have never been in a situation like op has been.

shame on you.

He’s had a brain injury- perhaps he gets anxious in company and it triggers different behaviour.

Please watch the TED talk on the neuroscientist who had a stroke ( A stoke of insight’ or similar). She could sense people’s emotions. Perhaps your dad can pick up on your embarrassment and it triggers that behaviour

MadamArcati99

The best I can say is that you must completely lack empathy. Your comment is awful.

Op please ignore the insensitive twats that judge you. You have anonymously posted your inner most feelings of which you clearly don't feel proud (and for which you needn't feel shame) and some posters are acting as though you've told your father he's embarrassed you, asked your mother not to bring him to public events and apologised to the future in laws for the shame he's brought upon you all. All you have done is acknowledge your inner most feelings which are not something you can control and which are perfectly understandable. We all sometimes feel things which we know we shouldn't- anger / jealousy/ embarrassment all in the most common of these. You clearly know he can't help it, you clearly have an understanding of the nature of stroke, and you don't WANT to feel this way. Be kind to yourself.

An anonymous forum where you can say the truth is possibly the best way to vent these complicated emotions and hopefully gain some support without causing anyone any hurt. You clearly love your father, and it's natural to mourn for the him before, feel grateful for the fact he's here AND to be resentful or even secretly embarrassed of what this awful circumstance has resulted in.

I assume you have never had a close family member with a brain injury.

Honeslty OP I understand exactly where you are coming from. My DF is/was an absolute rock of a man, could do anything, engage with anyone. After his series of strokes he shuffles around, gets angry very easily, slurrs his words, cant complete simple.tasks but won't ask for help either.

Its a very complex thing grieving for someone who is still here and you are brave to actually acknowledge what you are feeling and I assure you other people in similar situations will have felt the same way.

It must be very hard for you to see your dad like this but you aren’t your dad. His behaviour doesn’t reflect on you and hopefully other people will realise he has had a life changing event. People seeing you treat your dad with compassion and love, even when he is being demanding and difficult, might learn something about how you treat people with a disability, how to allow someone dignity. You clearly really care for him and that probably shows through more than you think. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks at the end of the day.

How do you think he feels knowing you're getting married and he would normally be standing proud walking you down the aisle and speaking about how proud he is of you?
Often the pressure put on people makes it harder to function trying extra hard to be your best tends to backfire.
It's acceptable to eat pizza with your hands and probably easier for him than managing cutlery that is not the same shape or feel your used to.

Stop trying to ‘correct’ him: the belches, interjections, odd swear words, seemingly inappropriate behaviour are mostly out of his control, due to the part of his brain that controls inhibitions being destroyed by the stroke. Those brain cells have died and won’t be replaced.
You’re trying to manage his behaviour and he will make a promise to behave in future but it’s a promise his brain won’t let him keep.
He was most likely out of his comfort zone in the restaurant

Maybe he is nervous to make a good impression and that affects his behaviour.

His behaviour doesn't reflect upon you.

His behaviour certainly doesn't reflect upon him. He had irreparable damage wreaked in his brain.

FIL went from being a larger than life character, a great lawyer, going up against big corporations and doing all he could to ensure that Justice was done for his clients, he taught, he performed, he was sporty - an all round high achiever. And then he had at least two strokes. A nurse now comes round to evacuate his bowel for him and his previous erudite, reassuring and authoritative legal statements now come out as things like 'Banana sideboard' because the damage means his thoughts aren't matched by what his body makes come out of his mouth.

Eating with his fingers is better than not being able to eat at all for fear of choking. Barking out/managing to get his body to make sounds/phrases is better than not being able to speak at all. And we'd hate it if he were apologising for being how he is now. It's bad enough if he feels embarrassed by his condition or not being able to be the larger than life character, trying to save the world one case at a time. After decades of advocating for others and making sure their voices are heard, it's time for somebody to advocate for him. and some of his responses are absolutely hilarious

Anybody judging your father for having a brain injury is not a person you need in your life. You're looking at his behaviour in fear of the eyes and thoughts of people whose opinion means nothing - he's not embarrassing, he's disabled. And, most of all, he's alive to see you walk down the aisle with the man you love.

I think anybody with personal experience of this will completely sympathise with you. lt’s one thing to think about it theoretically but in practice of course there will be moments when you feel embarrassed or just sad that he’s not as you remember him.

I’m sure that in real life you are doing your best to treat your dad as normally as possible. It will probably be easier for your in laws to be sympathetic since it’s not so personal for them. It’s not their dad. Probably best to explain that he’s had a stroke though.

No disrespect or malice towards you at all. So please don’t be offended.

I was 24 years old when my Mum had a stroke right infront of me. It was 3 days after Mothers Day that year too. She was declared brain dead 2 days later and we had to turn off life support. My sister was only 14 years old.

My sister and I have gone through many ‘firsts’ in our lives without our Mother. We’d rather have a disabled Mum than no Mum.

Youre entitled to feel how you feel. Hope it gets better x

My grandad suffered a stroke and my grandmother had dementia caused by a series of strokes.

I was never embarrassed by either of them. I was grateful they were alive.

I’m sorry OP but I think you’re being immature- you know what caused this- of course you can long for your old dad but you should never be embarrassed knowing what happened to him.
fyi my dad was an alcohol- if you want to talk mortifying, try being 17 having him collapsed and soiled outside your school.

So so so hard on everyone. To lose one’s capacity to live a normal, healthy life is an enormous bereavement and it takes everyone down a very difficult, alternate path.
Have you considered getting some therapy to help you talk/grieve freely and crucially, help you to wholly accept what naturally feels unacceptable?
Don’t be hard on yourself OP. Try and find the best way to come to terms with it. You haven’t yet. And for your own peace, you need to. 💐

It will be hard for your Dad, but it is absolutely alright for you to let it out in a safe anonymous way that you have sad feelings and think things you would rather not, these are realities of having someone you looked up to go through profound and mind-altering illness.

💐

And as sad as everyone else’s different and challenging experiences are, it’s not Grief Top Trumps! Your feelings are valid, OP.