I'm a terrible daughter for being embarrassed of my stroke victim father

[Boussa]

When I was 16 my father suffered a series of strokes which transformed the dynamic of my immediate family. My dad went from being the macho but weirdly sensitive man to essentially a person needing 65% of his needs met. Fine, them the cards we dealt with it.

Its just now as I'm engaged where introductions are being made that I sadly wish my dad was the way he was. I don't know how to describe it. My dad behind close doors is respectful if a bit needy. But when my in laws are around he suddenly becomes very abrupt borderline rude. My dad can barely communicate with strangers but I'm embarrassed by him. He randomly interjects, belches and can bark orders. But fundamentally he is a good person and used to work 2 jobs to send me to private school. I correct him and he promises to adjust his behaviour but it never materialises..

I'll always do right by him but he embarrasses me. We went to the nice country pub near our home for lunch today for no reason he started using his hands to eat a VERY sloppy pizza. I feel like he knows better but maybe he doesn't now.

I feel bad for mourning a "normal" dad.

I have never shared this. AIBU? Anyone relate?

I was 19 when my dad had a massive stroke amd l understand where you are coming from op.
It is like a bereavement in a way - l sometimes too felt embarrassed

You are entitled to feel embarrassed, that does not make you a bad person. As long as it does not change your behaviour to him, you get to feel however you do, and dont need to beat yourself up for it.

We knew someone who was developing dementia but no one realised at first. Their partner was in denial, so I understand how difficult it is for you.

Do you have to have formal get-togethers with lots of people? I imagine that would be a bit of a trial for your Dad himself anyway. Could you have a heart to heart with the inlaws to be beforehand so that they are prepared? , or ask your partner to so that they understood.

And maybe just have a very casual meet up with just his parents, at your home. Don't worry about other people's expectations. If they can't accept him, that is their problem. If they are of any worth at all, they will be understanding.

Just do what is comfortable for you and your dad and make it as stress free as possible. What does your mum think?
I don't know how serious his condition is, but does your mum think an introduction meeting as described is suitable for your Dad. There's no point in pressing ahead with it if your Mum is reluctant. Only do what she is comfortable with. Your new partner and his parents ought to be understanding - after all it could happen to any of us.
An earlier pp said it was grief for your Dad as he was that troubles you, which is quite natural, especially at milestone times in your life. Try not to feel guilty and just enjoy what you can. He probably can't control his behaviour, but if people are understanding, it won't be such an issue

It's a heartbreaking position to be in. I would make sure your in-laws understand why he is like that. Strangers don't matter.
My DH had a stroke in November. Not massive but not mini either and he can be abrubt and abrasive in shops. He's always been short tempered but not usually in public. It's easy to feel embarrassed for him and want to apologise for his behaviour but I don't because he would find that humiliating. I just hope he doesn't upset someone but my priority has to be him.

Poor bloke 😡

Believe me I am grateful for simply having him here. I was in the ambulance with him when he had his first stroke and I remember promising God all the things I would give up if he could save my dad's life

I've sacrificed a lot so please be kind. The day he had his stroke was the day my childhood ended. Whilst my friends were living it up on holiday my siblings and I were working to help my mum with mortgage payments. The fallout (bailiffs etc, screaming matches) was traumatising.