AIBU?
To be so annoyed at DH. Not Mother’s Day related
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 19/03/2023 12:42
So yesterday my ds took me out for brunch. While we’re out dh said that he was hungry and wanted to get a kebab. This was a few hours later and we had been drinking. Ds’s are both adults.
dd was at home alone and so we decided we should go back and get something to eat with her. Dh still saying he was paying at this point.
get home and decide to Deliveroo burgers. I didn’t get anything as wasn’t hungry. The Deliveroo account is on my phone so dh said order it and he would pay me back.
just looked at my account and he hasn’t transferred the cash so asked him and he said he didn’t have any money to pay me back with!
am I being unreasonable to be cross? If he had said he didn’t have any money I would have made them food as we had plenty on the house. Food shop arrived yesterday morning.
we have money for bills etc but often money is tight for treats and we’ve had a couple of birthdays this month. I’ve now got to cancel getting my eyebrows done as I now don’t have the cash to do that. He doesn’t get the issue.
Am I being unreasonable?
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UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 20/03/2023 17:48
So he told me he doesn’t have the cash but I know (from snooping as I know his password and thought he was keeping it from me) that he has as I looked and saw the money.
m we have joint savings and we have money in the bank but the point of a budget is to stick to that budget? I have actually taken the money for my eyebrows from the joint account and told him. I said he can either pay me back and I’ll pay it back to the joint account or I’ll just take it from the joint account. His repossessed is that’s not how budgets work, so I said we’ll pay me then. Still no payment.
dd has been trying to find a job and has been applying. She tried the taking cvs around the local shops and restaurants but most of the chains say you need to set up an alert and apply online. Then have several processes to go through before you even get selected for interview. I know this to be true as work for a large retailer and keep asking when they will release the jobs. Unfortunately last summer we were on holiday that has been booked for months when the interviews were taking place. Dd had an interview for a fashion retailer who said they would get back to her with a start date they then didn’t contact so she rang and they said sorry thr next person we interviewed had retail experience so took hem on.
there is fierce competition around here for weekend jobs and doesn’t help that one of the biggest employers of 16-18 year old weekend staff recently closed down.
im unsure as to what to do in the future and not sure financially I could support a household. My rent is already well below market average currently but I work in a school and for a supermarket and so both jobs not that well paid. When I looked at universal credit while I found a better paid job it said that I would only get a couple of hundred which while great would mean that I couldn’t afford all my bills on my own.
ds1 moved out a few years ago and ds2 is at uni so doesn’t live at home for most of the year so can’t ask him to help out. If i was to be on my own.
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 20/03/2023 18:07
Tomkirkman · 20/03/2023 17:50
Just tell him you know he is a fucking liar
To do that I would need to admit that I had snooped and I know of that was the other way round I would be so angry so I feel I can’t be a hypocrite about that and acknowledge that I know.
i shouldn’t have looked as it’s obviously upset me that it confirmed what I thought and that the person who is supposed to be my partner does not feel the same way about the finances as I do.
fwiw he had a slightly higher pocket money as he smokes and I don’t but by return fuel comes from the joint account and he doesn’t drive.
FinallyHere · 20/03/2023 18:20
fwiw he had a slightly higher pocket money as he smokes and I don’t but by return fuel comes from the joint account and he doesn’t drive.
Again, he spends his money on him, yours and joint money gets used for the benefit of the whole family.
I honestly don't understand why you let him get away with offering to pay or suggesting he will pay ... and then letting him get away without paying.
Before I could say whether I think he is being abusive, please, please just make him pay for things up front.
Don't pay and try and get him to pay you back. Just wait him out.
Then you will know whether he has been lazily letting you pay (the way I used to with my mother when I was a teenager) or genuinely only with you for a free ride.
Get clear about that before you decide how to take it from here.
Again: don't jump in, wait him out.
Let him pay upfront. Think of it as him being on a prepay meter because he hadn't been paying his bills.
CheersForThatEh · 20/03/2023 18:22
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 20/03/2023 17:48
So he told me he doesn’t have the cash but I know (from snooping as I know his password and thought he was keeping it from me) that he has as I looked and saw the money.
m we have joint savings and we have money in the bank but the point of a budget is to stick to that budget? I have actually taken the money for my eyebrows from the joint account and told him. I said he can either pay me back and I’ll pay it back to the joint account or I’ll just take it from the joint account. His repossessed is that’s not how budgets work, so I said we’ll pay me then. Still no payment.
dd has been trying to find a job and has been applying. She tried the taking cvs around the local shops and restaurants but most of the chains say you need to set up an alert and apply online. Then have several processes to go through before you even get selected for interview. I know this to be true as work for a large retailer and keep asking when they will release the jobs. Unfortunately last summer we were on holiday that has been booked for months when the interviews were taking place. Dd had an interview for a fashion retailer who said they would get back to her with a start date they then didn’t contact so she rang and they said sorry thr next person we interviewed had retail experience so took hem on.
there is fierce competition around here for weekend jobs and doesn’t help that one of the biggest employers of 16-18 year old weekend staff recently closed down.
im unsure as to what to do in the future and not sure financially I could support a household. My rent is already well below market average currently but I work in a school and for a supermarket and so both jobs not that well paid. When I looked at universal credit while I found a better paid job it said that I would only get a couple of hundred which while great would mean that I couldn’t afford all my bills on my own.
ds1 moved out a few years ago and ds2 is at uni so doesn’t live at home for most of the year so can’t ask him to help out. If i was to be on my own.
Make sure you take double out of the joint account because you put half in so otherwise you're taking half your own money.
And your posts about him get worse. It's a real worry that he is so mean.
Tomkirkman · 20/03/2023 20:38
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 20/03/2023 18:07
To do that I would need to admit that I had snooped and I know of that was the other way round I would be so angry so I feel I can’t be a hypocrite about that and acknowledge that I know.
i shouldn’t have looked as it’s obviously upset me that it confirmed what I thought and that the person who is supposed to be my partner does not feel the same way about the finances as I do.
fwiw he had a slightly higher pocket money as he smokes and I don’t but by return fuel comes from the joint account and he doesn’t drive.
Tomkirkman · 20/03/2023 17:50
Just tell him you know he is a fucking liar
And would he be angry if he you did what he is doing?
He is financially abusing you. Snipping because someone is abusing you and you need confirmation is fine.
If he wasn’t such a twat, you wouldn’t have needed to snoop.
Biggiee · 20/03/2023 20:48
skippy67 · 20/03/2023 20:42
Why comment at all then?
Biggiee · 19/03/2023 12:52
I cant pass fair comment as I cant understand separate finances when married.
Oh sorry I thought it was an open forum where opinions were asked for. My opinion was I cant understand separate finances that cause issues like this when married. Was there anything productive you wanted to ask?
UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 21/03/2023 07:24
Anotherturnipforthebooks · 20/03/2023 20:49
ds1 moved out a few years ago and ds2 is at uni so doesn’t live at home for most of the year so can’t ask him to help out.
This isn't about your kids, it's about your husband. Do you both work? How evenly split is the income between you?
As said previously I work two jobs and I earn probably about 1/2 again what he does maybe a bit more.
mice nearly always been the higher Warner though. I’ve got a degree and had a professional career before dd came along then shifts got too much with 3 dc. I barely saw them. He has always had a manual not much above minimum wage job.
I think I am resentful now as no ambition to do better. And that’s worn me down. I think his ideal lifestyle would have been social housing and minimal working again no issue with that if that’s what you want but I don’t come from a background like that and I don’t see that we should be entitled to that.
your comments are making me see that there is a bigger issue here than the
money.
YukoandHiro · 21/03/2023 07:27
All DD payments come out of the shared pot. No exceptions. If you have to both take less personal "pocket money" then so be it. This arrangement is totally unfair to you.
Do you have a joint savings account? Or is he manipulating the situation so you're unable to build up any access to savings so you're stuck with him?
Poppins2016 · 21/03/2023 07:35
Next time he offers to take you out for a treat, leave your purse at home. If he asks why, it's simple "you said it's your treat". You won't be able to pay for anything if you don't have the means to do so and I'll be a very effective way of forcing the issue, perfectly innocently (i.e. why on earth would you think about bringing your purse if he had indicated it wasn't necessary by saying it was his treat).
IlonaRN · 21/03/2023 07:41
Definitely make sure you take double out of the joint pot, or you will have paid for at least half his burger.
Reduce his fun money. He doesn't need to smoke, and you certainly don't need to pay for him to do so!!
Most of the car travel will be for either work or shared purposes, so that should stay as shared cost.
(Further) Reduce both your fun money to give some to your daughter. She needs some too, and since she can't get a job, it should be a shared expense.
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