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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do adults end up so useless?

61 replies

GoingMadQuickly · 19/03/2023 12:33

Got a family member staying with me who I stupidly said could stay for 3 weeks whilst she waits for her tenancy to start. Didn't realise how irritating another adult can be. Eating my food without asking (OK it's just a couple of tins of soup and my home made bread but still), damaging my stuff (using a scourer on my pans which has scratched them up), using the wrong bins for recycling and food waste, putting the heating on when I'm out (I know this because I can see the timer setting has changed). I keep telling myself it's just for another couple of weeks but I'm totally baffled that a 30 year old can be so inconsiderate and incompetent. I'd like to approach her about it but not sure how without making it incredibly awkward. How do adults live on their own for years but still end up being so useless and inconsiderate? Yes I know I'm going to be flamed for not laying down the ground rules but I'm willing to have to conversation. My anxiety gets in the way.

OP posts:
Whatisthisanyidea · 19/03/2023 12:37

Maybe her standards are different to yours? She thinks she’s done the right thing washing the pans, soup can be replaced, unless you have her her own cupboard for food?
Maybe she intends to buy you lunch? Maybe she was cold and put the heating on? Have you asked for rent?

DustyLee123 · 19/03/2023 12:38

She just does things her way. Keep counting down the days, and don’t offer again.

Original poster
GoingMadQuickly · 19/03/2023 12:38

Whatisthisanyidea · 19/03/2023 12:37

Maybe her standards are different to yours? She thinks she’s done the right thing washing the pans, soup can be replaced, unless you have her her own cupboard for food?
Maybe she intends to buy you lunch? Maybe she was cold and put the heating on? Have you asked for rent?

I've just asked that she buys her own food, she has her own cupboard, she won't replace the soup as she's in her overdraft and I asked her not to touch the heating as I cannot afford it and it's not cold. I just asked that she buys her own food and doesn't touch mine but she still has. Just feeling incredibly irritated.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingMadQuickly · 19/03/2023 12:38

DustyLee123 · 19/03/2023 12:38

She just does things her way. Keep counting down the days, and don’t offer again.

I definitely won't be offering again!

OP posts:
Mummy2mybear · 19/03/2023 12:39

Just talk to her about it 🤷 I wouldn't have made a post about it, tell her the things that are annoying you... if I was in your position I would have pulled her up straight away without any issue.

DustyLee123 · 19/03/2023 12:40

My DH pisses me off as he eats things that I buy for myself, that he never ever buys. I go to get the item and the empty packet is still in the cupboard/fridge 😡

SplunkPostGres · 19/03/2023 12:50

It sounds as though she’s struggling and she’s opted to eat low-cost items that would minimally impact you to replace. I would just buy a few extra tins of soup at the supermarket and lend her money to buy any other food she needed. Couldn’t get worked up about a family member not going hungry in my home.

However it sounds as though you’ve got your own financial struggles (not being able to afford heating), and perhaps you couldn’t really afford to help her out at all.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 19/03/2023 12:50

Why did you offer if you can't afford. It OP?

YABU you cannot expect the woman to go hungry or be cold whilst she is staying with you surely? She is also cleaning up after herself (yes she scratched the pans which is unfortunate but you cannot expect the same as you would of yourself)

If she has adequate food of her own and the temp in your house is a steady 18 or above YANBU

thedogsmum · 19/03/2023 12:53

She's obviously a close family member if you're letting her stay for 3 weeks - and it's easy sometimes to get more irritated with close family members than we would with friends or strangers. Maybe you should share meals rather than have a separate cupboard for her - that way if she's taking some of your food you can feel as if you're sharing rather than being taken advantage of, as she can provide meals after her next pay day.

Can you do some fun things together- even if it's just watching a film with a bowl of popcorn, to try to get into a positive mindset? You could have some other family members around for lunch and even if you need to buy the food she can do the prep and clean up.

About the heating, can you come to a compromise- if you're out all day and she's in, maybe agree that the heating is on at a lower setting, for a couple of hours, then off for a bit, then back on.

You need to step back and take a breath or you're going to grow to really resented each other over the 3 weeks, and could cause long lasting family tension.

And think how lovely it will be when she's gone!

LobeliaBaggins · 19/03/2023 12:53

I dont have any family that I would grudge 2 tins of soup/ bread. Or a warm room. I wouldn't expect them to know about recycling either.

Oblomov23 · 19/03/2023 12:54

Why are you such a doormat? Why haven't you said anything? I would never agree to someone staying 3 weeks. But I would say : 'by the way, couple of things: you can eat anything tinned but I expect soup etc to be replaced. The food in the fridge ......".

Liorae · 19/03/2023 12:56

Look at any of the adult children threads on Mumsnet and you will get your answer. And there will always be an idiot telling you that their brain is not fully formed until 25, so this 30 year old is still a child in Mumsnet terms.

LobeliaBaggins · 19/03/2023 13:05

Oblomov23 · 19/03/2023 12:54

Why are you such a doormat? Why haven't you said anything? I would never agree to someone staying 3 weeks. But I would say : 'by the way, couple of things: you can eat anything tinned but I expect soup etc to be replaced. The food in the fridge ......".

Really you would ask family staying to buy their own soup?

Original poster
GoingMadQuickly · 19/03/2023 13:27

LobeliaBaggins · 19/03/2023 13:05

Really you would ask family staying to buy their own soup?

Show quote history

I have childcare costs to pay and am in my overdraft at the end of the month myself. I find it odd someone coming to stay then eating your food without at least saying 'do you mind if I eat this?' - but yes I am a doormat. I felt extremely pressured by the rest of my family to let her stay because I'm the only one with space (my lounge). I do need to start standing up for myself but my anxiety gets in the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingMadQuickly · 19/03/2023 13:29

SplunkPostGres · 19/03/2023 12:50

It sounds as though she’s struggling and she’s opted to eat low-cost items that would minimally impact you to replace. I would just buy a few extra tins of soup at the supermarket and lend her money to buy any other food she needed. Couldn’t get worked up about a family member not going hungry in my home.

However it sounds as though you’ve got your own financial struggles (not being able to afford heating), and perhaps you couldn’t really afford to help her out at all.

I don't have any money to lend. She's moving into her own place in 3 weeks so I kindof assumed she would be able to look after herself as she's going to be on her own then.

OP posts:
LobeliaBaggins · 19/03/2023 13:31

I hear that you are struggling. I just would find it odd to ask a family member to pay for soup cans. You could, I guess ask her not to touch the heating.

I suppose it also depends on how close the family..Presumably not your sister or mother or mother in law. My sister will be coming to stay for two weeks soon and my food will be her food.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2023 13:32

It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything awful - although she should have told you about the hearing and offered to pay.

Explain the things re bins and washing up you need her to know, say you do need extra cash for heating.

The problem is you don’t like guests, not her. Don’t make a big deal over nothing and make her feel bad.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 19/03/2023 13:34

Then you need to sit down with her op and explain as it seems your both in a pinch with money and make a plan together.

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2023 13:34

..And If you need her to replace good.. similarly, say so.

LeafHunter · 19/03/2023 13:35

GoingMadQuickly · 19/03/2023 13:29

I don't have any money to lend. She's moving into her own place in 3 weeks so I kindof assumed she would be able to look after herself as she's going to be on her own then.

Show quote history

But she can look after herself?! She hasn’t asked you to cook for her or do her washing up etc.

MultipleVeganPies · 19/03/2023 13:36

I would be happy for any house guests to eat bread and soup and put the heating on too!

how can You begrudge someone these basics?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 19/03/2023 13:37

GoingMadQuickly · 19/03/2023 13:29

I don't have any money to lend. She's moving into her own place in 3 weeks so I kindof assumed she would be able to look after herself as she's going to be on her own then.

Show quote history

Maybe all her spare money has gone on the deposit/rent and she's struggling until payday?

twoshedsjackson · 19/03/2023 13:37

"The rest of the family don't have the space" - the rest of the family have got wise to her already and she's drinking in the Last Chance Saloon.
Anxiety and not wishing to offend is very uncomfortable for you, but if you could be a bit braver, you could consider yourself to be doing her a favour.
Is it even dawning on her that her goodwill account, as well as her monetary one, is running into overdraft?

Nowthatlovehasperished · 19/03/2023 13:38

I think the "living on their own" bit is key to not being considerate- they are out of practice.

I think it might be best to just suck it up unless you're not bothered about keeping a cordial relationship when she moves out.

AliceOlive · 19/03/2023 13:39

This thread is a laugh! I don’t know anything that would ask to stay in someone else’s home for three weeks then eat their food after being asked not to do so. I also wouldn’t touch the heat without asking.

But I think you just have to get through a few weeks and resolve not to be guilted into this again. Tell your relatives who pushed you into this they should take turns inviting her (or both of you) over for a few meals.