How do adults end up so useless?

[GoingMadQuickly]

Got a family member staying with me who I stupidly said could stay for 3 weeks whilst she waits for her tenancy to start. Didn't realise how irritating another adult can be. Eating my food without asking (OK it's just a couple of tins of soup and my home made bread but still), damaging my stuff (using a scourer on my pans which has scratched them up), using the wrong bins for recycling and food waste, putting the heating on when I'm out (I know this because I can see the timer setting has changed). I keep telling myself it's just for another couple of weeks but I'm totally baffled that a 30 year old can be so inconsiderate and incompetent. I'd like to approach her about it but not sure how without making it incredibly awkward. How do adults live on their own for years but still end up being so useless and inconsiderate? Yes I know I'm going to be flamed for not laying down the ground rules but I'm willing to have to conversation. My anxiety gets in the way.

It is understandable because OP is struggling herself.

This

Agree. I find it bizarre that you’d get so upset about this. I mean, we’re talking £1 appx?

I don’t think you realise the extent to which some people are struggling.

This. Yabu.

Agree. You are being tetchy because somebody who isn’t you is in your space.

everyone does things differently, she’s learning how your recycling and scouring pads operate. Give a bit of heart to the situation and you’ll get through it more happily.

She doesn't sound particularly incompetent; just someone with slightly different expectations and standards from you. And is perhaps regarding herself as a guest, where you regard her as a short-term house-mate. Three weeks is exactly the sort of length of time that can result in ambiguity and misunderstandings on this issue: if it's three days, you're a guest; if it's three months, you're a house-mate; if it's three weeks, it's often unclear. If you don't like having house-guests (nothing wrong with that; I generally don't either) or can't afford to (not unusual, especially right now), then I think you should probably either not have invited her, or made your expectations as regards replacing food and either keeping the heating off or contributing to heating costs VERY clear from the start. Even now at this stage, I think it would be fine for you to tell her frankly that, in the current cost-of-living crisis, while you wouldn't ask for rent, you do need her to cover costs. But don't attack her as a person or call her 'useless': just present it as a necessary financial arrangement.

The privilege of some of these comments! It’s great that you can afford to have guests eat your food and turn up your heating. OP can’t. She shouldn’t be made to feel bad about this.

OP, you need to stand up for yourself a bit.

oh fgs!

what is wrong with adults not communicating!!
there would be nothing wrong with some ground rules pre lodging especially if money is tight for you too.

explaining what bin is for what and that heating is only put on when it’s a certain time /temp.

people are not mindreaders. All this well I wouldn’t do this in their shoes stuff is pointless. They aren’t you! Just talk to her!

Bread and a few tins of sup, come on OP, why are you begrudging her cheap items of food. She sounds like she is struggling. Shes obv close to you as you did offer her to stay. I would let hr know to not scratch your pans and put heating on , rest ID leave its, just food

OP says clearly she wants to but doesnt know how to. And asking for help. Why is it so diffucult to understand?

I am sorry for you. Not long now!

OP, some PPs talk about different standards but I also find what you describe she does wrong. She either doesnt know any better, doesnt care or I dont know. I would also find it difficult to talk to her without getting unmanagably angry or/and crying. Hope you get some good advice on how to bring it up in a smart way.

Because the deal was she gets her own food. Its a trust thing as I understand.

Can the 'rest of the family' do you both a shop/food drop for the next couple of weeks if you're both struggling financially?

She’s clueless. The same way you were clueless not to have this discussion first. It happens. Don’t let it upset you, life’s too short. You’ll all know better next time - in time for the next mistake you didn’t see coming!

FGS Well clearly she is going to have to open her mouth and talk its basic communication she is not psychic it will just continue if she say nothing just 'I noticed this would you mind doing this instead, I noticed you had the soup could you ask ' Just a polite constructive chat. How is that so hard it hardly needs to cause upset anger and tension. Boy if you live in my house... OP the longer you leave this discussion the harder it will be for you.

Thanks everyone, I'm going to speak to her. Just been in the lounge where she is staying and she's left a towel on my light blue sofa and there's no a water mark, and she's also eaten two of my frozen home cooked meals from the freezer. I'm going to have a word this evening so not to explode. Those who are saying I'm just irritated because someone who is not me is in my space, you're correct. I haven't lived with anyone other than my daughter for years and I forgot what it can be like.

Great if you have this skill. Others dont so are asking for help. You having a go does not help them solve the situation.

I have anxiety and PTSD due to domestic abuse and violence so confrontation is hard but I'm working with my therapist at being more assertive

This isnt just about your space being invaded. She is doing things you have asked her not to and damaging your pans /some people perhaps dont realise pans can be expensive. even if they arent, you shouldnt need to buy new pans because people damaged them. also teflon pans are health damaging if they are scratched/. I also find this behaviour baffling as you do.

As to why people are like this, I am not sure. Lots of them werent brought up to think and care about other people.

I hear you. Fingers crossed you manage to have that conversation and it goes well!

YABU to think any of these things constitute being useless or incompetent. They are very minor things, it sounds like she is trying not to be a nuisance but you are blowing very small things out of proportion.

It's fine to not like dealing with minor annoyances of someone staying with you, but YABU in your description of her.

Having a go 🤣😅🤦‍♂️ If you honestly think this is 'having a go' I wonder how you get through life I dread to think.

Do it via text while she’s out? It’s not ideal, but might be easier for you to manage. We can help compose it, if you’d like.