How do adults end up so useless?

[GoingMadQuickly]

Got a family member staying with me who I stupidly said could stay for 3 weeks whilst she waits for her tenancy to start. Didn't realise how irritating another adult can be. Eating my food without asking (OK it's just a couple of tins of soup and my home made bread but still), damaging my stuff (using a scourer on my pans which has scratched them up), using the wrong bins for recycling and food waste, putting the heating on when I'm out (I know this because I can see the timer setting has changed). I keep telling myself it's just for another couple of weeks but I'm totally baffled that a 30 year old can be so inconsiderate and incompetent. I'd like to approach her about it but not sure how without making it incredibly awkward. How do adults live on their own for years but still end up being so useless and inconsiderate? Yes I know I'm going to be flamed for not laying down the ground rules but I'm willing to have to conversation. My anxiety gets in the way.

I’m fell out with a family member over this issue. She needed a place to stay for a few weeks every couple of months and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

She didn’t buy her own food and would take long baths in the middle of the night, basically using my home as a hotel. I don’t know how people end up like this but I don’t think it’s uncommon.

Hello OP,

I don't think the issue is the soup and the heating. I think the issue is that you were guilted into agreeing to this when you didn't want to, and as a result anything she does probably feels like salt on a raw wound. However, I think it would be unfair to take it out on her - she may not even know to what extent you were pressured into this.

I think you need to communicate with her, absolutely, but try and keep your resentment to a minimum because it'll make things needlessly awkward and she isn't the one you should resent, you should resent whoever pressured you.

I understand you're not in a good position financially yourself, but I really couldn't find it in me to refuse a family member basics like soup, bread, pasta...
Taking the homemade meals wasn't on, but she may simply not realize what a position you're in.

You say you allotted her a cupboard but it sounds like she can't afford to buy anything to put in it ?

As for the heating, that wasn't on either, but I think how cold your place is would be relevant in deciding how unreasonable she was - presumably you work all day in an adequately heated space, if she has to spend her days in a 10°C house I can understand the temptation to bring it up a bit for a while.

By all means talk to her, try and be very nice about it. Do tell her that you truly can't afford it - as in you have zero savings to allocate to this.

If nothing changes after that talk, THEN we'll have moved from thoughtlessness to simple rudeness and at that point it'd be okay to tell her it's not working for you and she'll need to find another place by (give her a couple of days to find another place).

I also think that sending a text message would be a good idea. If you kick this person out, can they go elsewhere? You’re being walked all over.

Is she your younger sister??

.I felt extremely pressured by the rest of my family to let her stay because I'm the only one with space (my lounge)

none of the rest of your family have a sofa??.

I'd suggest also getting in touch with all the family members who guilted you over this, and ask them to chip in for your additional costs/buy you both some food shopping etc.

Explain that you both are struggling and you cannot afford to pick up all the slack.

If none of them step up and help (I absolutely would have when I used to live in a studio flat) then next time, your answer is easy "I can't afford it financially, and none of you helped out".

You are doing a really good thing, but they need to help split the financial burden if nothing else.

How is she going to manage financially in her new place?

Can you say look you eating my food and not replacing it and putting the heating is making you staying unaffordable. Would you prefer to find somewhere else or contribute to the costs?

If you only had a lounge then you didn't really have space, did you?

Time for them to move to someone else's lounge.

I also think a text might be a good idea.

Maybe a poster here could help you compose one.

OP, would anyone in your wider family be in a position to help out financially while she’s at your place?
So if it’s your sister and your parents heaped the pressure on, call them and tell them about the food issue - tell them you may have the space for her to sleep on your couch but you can’t afford to feed her. Hopefully they can afford to send you both an online shop to cover the shortfall.
Tell her which sponge/cloth you want her to use on your pans.
Forget the towel thing. Your sofa will dry in 15 minutes. Tell her again that you can’t afford to put the heating on - maybe lend her a warm hoodie or something.

Your not 'confronting' her. See the definition below.

Just say 'sandra' can I talk to you please? We need to be careful please with the heating I'm struggling a bit financially of late and please could you replace the soup.

All done with a nice friendly calm tone. No confrontation needed.

Unless there's something your not telling us. Is the person staying likely to become aggressive or violent?