To be upset about nothing on Mother's Day

[GlowDown]

I was buying my own mum flowers last week and he said to me "you're not expecting lots of gifts are you?" And I said "no, some flowers and a lie in might be nice though" and he winked.

Yet I'm up at 6am with the kids. And he told me last night he'd forgotten and it was a silly day anyway. I was pissed off and he told me I was being ridiculous

Small kids so it's all on DH.

He knows I feel taken for granted sometimes when I work full time and do so much of the home stuff too. And I really thought he'd do a little something

I booked a restaurant later , my adult son asked me yesterday to buy a Mother's Day card for myself 🤣...I told him to sod off, but I did get coffee in bed . My expectations are pretty low tbh 🤷

@GlowDown you can still have a lovely mother's day with the kids and I hope that you do. Happy Mother's day!

He's never going to change though. Not really. I either tolerate low level shittyness forever or leave. He will never truly understand or put himself out for anyone.
That's sad, but probably true OP. You've got the measure of him.
Like you said, you weren't expecting a mountain of gifts, just a thoughtful effort.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Your husband is being a toss pot, no question.

I probably wouldn’t be inclined to go out on my Todd. I’d take my children and go out for a nice / out of the ordinary breakfast (even if it’s just a McDonalds!) and then take them to pick me out a bunch of flowers or gift which I’d buy for myself.

If you let him kill Mother’s Day like this, your kids are going to develop the same level of disrespect.

All the people who make the “clever” Father’s Day reply… what different does that make?

What selfish dick of a husband will care that there wife didn’t get them a card from the kids (that they likely don’t care for anyway) on one day when they get their lie in / rest from parenting / domestic life 364 other days?

It’s passing in the wind 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP can ignore Father’s Day and he’ll just roll his eyes that she’s hormonal or even a bitch… then enjoy a day leaning childcare and housework to her anyway.

But he doesn't 'not believe in it'. Any ideological objections could have been conveyed when it was first mentioned. He only decided it was a silly day when he realised it was too late. And 'forgetting' is nigh on impossible. There is mothers' day stuff to be purchased EVERYWHERE. Even if you live in the absolute middle of nowhere, the little village shop will have something for Mothers' Day.

I read your title as you weren’t upset!! Upset about…….nothing! 😂

I do think that it’s the women who do everything house and kids related and also work, who complain when their DP does nothing one day of the year.
They’re doing sweet FA all the other days - that should be your issue!!
Don’t just sit and hope that one day out of 365 they will give you a break or show you’re appreciated!

There will be a strong correlation with fathers who pull their weight every day, who also make the mother of their children feel special on Mother’s Day………

Take yourself out for a coffee and muffin. Take a book, enjoy.

Can you take yourself off for a few hours today OP and do something for yourself? Tell him that either he cooks dinner tonight or he's paying for a take away.

I understand OP. I always reminded DH to get a card for his own mum in the hope he would be prompted to get one for me when DC were too small to do it themselves. One year he got up and went to his normal sports at 8am on Sunday without acknowledging it at all. I was miffed. Like you say its about feeling valued and appreciated, and you asked for something that needed no cost or planning. Although lots of mn think this is "entitled"
I don't want spa days, a weekend away, a fancy meal etc, even a £1 card showing appreciation would be ok!

I only ever receive the cards the kids make in school. He never even wished me a Happy Mothers Day this morning.

There are so many posts like this along a similar theme. For what it's worth, here are my thoughts.

• expecting your family (DH/older kids) to make effort for you, to make you feel cared for and appreciated, DOES NOT make you entitled or unrealistic.

• if children are young, then YES it is ABSOLUTELY DHs job to facilitate mothers day for them. No it isn't spouse day, but it is about children seeing care and gratitude being modelled in their home and helping them to show it too.

• no its not a commercialised day unless you make it so. Most women on here are not expecting the moon on a stick. A bloody cup of tea, a card and and a £1 bunch of daffodils would at least show someone had cared enough to mark the day.

• for some women, mothers day isn't a thing. Now whether that's because they are just so used to the lack of consideration that they've stopped caring or whether they genuinely aren't bothered isn't for me to say, but either way, that doesn't mean that expecting your family to show they give one iota of crap on one day out of 365, does not make you "grabby".

• finally, children learn by what they live. I'm sad at how many children are being surreptitiously fed the narrative that it's ok that mum's a martyr and its OK that we don't bother for her. I'm pretty sure if we tried pulling that crap on them on birthdays/ Xmas there would be a riot.

I am in a situation where my DH is really good and will always make effort and facilitate for my young DC. Consequently, my 6 year old this year got her crafting stuff out one afternoon and starting making me a card because she had been told at school/rainbows/somewhere that it was nearly mothers day. She ASKED her dad to help her make me breakfast this morning and she tiptoed out of bed to get him up without waking me. This isn't me trying to be smug and this isn't because my child is some sort of angel (believe me!! 😄) It's because for 6 years, she has seen my DH model and facilitate love and care and thoughtfulness towards me, and us towards her. She has learnt by what she lives. Appreciating and showing thanks and love to your family is normal to her.

So to all of you who have had a disappointing mothers day, I'm sending you a massive hug and a virtual bunch of flowers 💐 you are all amazing and deserve much more. Please advocate for yourselves and your children. Shitty, half arsed partners deserve picking up on it and don't EVER feel entitled for expecting a basic bloody lie in and a cuppa.

❤❤❤

My ex was like this OP, didn't pull his weight in regards to getting up with DC and letting me have a lie in etc and also couldn't be arsed for mothers day- even one bloody day a year.

In contrast now DH was on nights last night so of course I am up with DC but before he went to bed he helped DS make me breakfast and I went down to a card and present he'd made with DS (he hates crafts so it means so much he did this) and has booked for us to go out for dinner later. More importantly though is he pulls his weight all year, DS is his step son but we have a DD together.

This isn't to be braggy, but honestly I would take a step back and look at what he's like the rest of the year, I put up with so much because I just thought men were like that; they're not.

Of course if he's decent otherwise and it's just about mothers day then that's different.

Of FFS. Why do we put up with being treated so poorly? There's no wonder the patriarchy is still loving life, women still don't have equal pay and all the other clearly misogynistic bollocks that we tolerate daily.

Your husband is a selfish prick. He won't change. Unless women, all women refuse to accept being treated like a doormat then they won't change. Please show your DC that daddy's behaviour isn't OK and this isn't what a relationship should look like.

Go utterly ballistic and ideally make plans for LTB but at the very least give him a bollocking so severe that he genuinely does believe you'll leave him, with 50% custody of his own children. That tends to scare the piss out of most man children.

Great post QuackMooBaaOink

I especially like the fact you point out that it's about parents modelling kindness and gratitude. That's why it's important for the children to see both parents, or relevant adults, taking time to show the other appreciation.

Mother's day doesn't have to be an over the top gift giving celebration (although the way some people carry on you'd think it was). It costs nothing to show someone appreciation.

Well said @QuackMooBaaOink ! 🙌🙌🙌

Ugh, he’s a prick.

I don’t want or expect elaborate gifts and showing of praise and attention, but little gestures like a tea in bed and a lie in, something that shows appreciation for what we do on one day, a traditional day, is hardly anything to ask.

Reading about all these shit inadequate men who say they ‘forgot’ or ‘don’t believe in it’ is depressing, because it’s all bullshit. The truth is they don’t see you as worth any effort or thought, they’re used to you doing all the grunt work and the thoughtful arrangements, and so they don’t bother. They know if they don’t, then they won’t have to next year. And so on.

Be upset. You’re entitled to be. There’s nothing grabby or entitled about being saddened when your H or P shows how very little they think of you.

maybe I can pick something up at the garage later

This is such a weird thing to say.

Why the garage? Why would he not make an effort and go to the supermarket or town?

I don't understand why him forgetting last night meant that he couldn't give you a lie-in and make you breakfast in bed this morning?

He sounds horrible to me.

It’s about thoughtfulness-he doesn’t believe in the day or can’t be bothered but he should be acting in a way he knows you would like/appreciate, so if you think a card and flowers is the thing to do he should do it.
It’s not like it would be changing his personality or costing a fortune or even taking a lot of time, it’s just a bit of consideration that is needed.

I'm glad I'm not the only one! Nothing gets done in my house unless I organise it. My husband forgot my birthday last year.

"• finally, children learn by what they live. I'm sad at how many children are being surreptitiously fed the narrative that it's ok that mum's a martyr and its OK that we don't bother for her."

This is a good point. Op if dh doesn't make an effort, take your dcs out and tell them that it's Mother's Day and we're going together to do something nice/buy some flowers/buy some treats

This is not a good one to vote on because we all come from such diverse experiences. For example, I'm a mum to 2 teenage DC and I have a DH who is wonderful. However, I didn't even know that today was Mother's Day! It's just not a thing to me. I have always viewed it as sentimental nonsense and I am so happy with the balance of how my little world works that I don't feel as if I need a 'special' day - I would feel a bit as if I was taking the piss.
DH doesn't get a Father's Day, either - for the same reasons. If our balance was out of kilter then it would be different, but if I fancy a pamper I don't expect it to come on some specified day and to be gifted to me - I'll just go and buy myself some chocolates or a new moisturiser.
This isn't to diminish what Mother's Day means to others, though - but to vote on it seems a bit impossible!

It is not up to him to decide it’s just a silly day. He can decide that when it’s Father’s Day if he wants, and not have a lie in.

It does not cost anything to pick some flowers from the garden and make a poached egg and cup of coffee.