To be upset about nothing on Mother's Day

[GlowDown]

I was buying my own mum flowers last week and he said to me "you're not expecting lots of gifts are you?" And I said "no, some flowers and a lie in might be nice though" and he winked.

Yet I'm up at 6am with the kids. And he told me last night he'd forgotten and it was a silly day anyway. I was pissed off and he told me I was being ridiculous

Small kids so it's all on DH.

He knows I feel taken for granted sometimes when I work full time and do so much of the home stuff too. And I really thought he'd do a little something

I either tolerate low level shittyness forever or leave. He will never truly understand or put himself out for anyone.

This is an aside but, on the off chance it helps you.... I have accidentally stumbled across a thing that's partly working for me, after 20 years of the same i.e. to get DH to properly help, to actually care about helping me.

... I've totally stopped doing laundry for the whole family. This is just my first step and so far it's working for me.

DCs are a bit too young, so he has to do it. It's a task you can't opt out of. In the past, I would cave in and do it after I ran out of knickers, so I'm still doing my own laundry to avoid this conflict. It takes me seconds to do mine because, unlike all the other members of the family, I don't chuck clean clothes on the floor, change multiple times a day etc.

I HATED laundry. To me it symbolised, in a nutshell, how little the family thought of me and my time. And there was never a 'reward' at the end of it. Just an endless cycle of drudgery.

Now I have extra time to clean my home properly and enjoy a fresh sparkling clean lounge and a cup of tea at the end. Had I refused to clean the lounge instead of refuse to do laundry, it just wouldn't happen. Because it's not a priority to him and he doesn't seem to notice or care about things that are a priority to me.

That is crap. And I would tell him so.

Sounds to me like daddy is going to get a bright and early start and some bonding time with his little ones on the morning of Father's Day! Lucky him!

Please don't give in and buy him anything. Make it absolutely clear the night before that it isn't a special day either and he'll be having an early start. It's the only way these selfish people learn.

Make sure the kids know that daddy is super excited to be woken up early on Father's Day for bonus points.

Most posters wouldn’t be so fixated on Mother’s Day if their husbands showed appreciation throughout the year.

I rather a dh that is consistently supportive rather than one who thinks that buying a poxy Clinton’s card and overpriced garage flowers on Mother’s Day is showing appreciation

He gets NOTHING for Father’s Day then. Absolutely nothing.

You also say you work full time and do most of the housework so that needs to stop. Select something that impacts only on him and stop doing it eg his laundry. And don’t think it’s petty or mean-minded - reframe your thinking: you’re teaching him a much needed lesson. Actions speak louder than words. Over a long marriage I have found it far more effective to stop doing things than explain that I’m upset. He’s paid lip service to the words but it was the actions that shifted his behaviour.

Today, focus on the lovely cards your DC have made. From tomorrow implement a new regime that sees him impacted by you doing less.

Wow what a shitbag

Please arrange to go out with friends on Father's Day - early so he has to get up with the dc and don't get him anything!

I have many years like this! I took the matter into my own hands several years ago. I put a bit of money aside each month then spend £100 on myself the week of Mother's Day. It's either been a new handbag, luxury candles, skincare etc that I wouldn't usually buy. A massive luxury and probably a bit self indulgent, but it always makes the day a lot better!

@Treacletoots Unless women, all women refuse to accept being treated like a doormat then they won't change. Please show your DC that daddy's behaviour isn't OK and this isn't what a relationship should look like.

It's really really not the simple. Feminists have this issue too. My DH does a lot more than some other men I know, but it's nowhere near 50/50. I have blazing rows with him. Told him it's about respect, that I'm not his servant, asking him if he would be happy with DD growing up to be a 'servant' to a man or living in an untidy house because her DH can't be bothered to help. He gets miserable, apologetic and changes for a week or so before it unravels again. I could nag him 24/7 and he'd do it, but that's like living with a child.

And no, I won't LTB, because in all other areas he's a decent DH.

Also ... the idea that men not helping is the fault of women not doing enough to make them help is an idea that needs a little bit of reflecting on.

No. They’ll just think that their family doesn’t make a fuss of Father’s Day. Or Mother’s Day.

The alternative is the standard woman doing all the work, then being perennially disappointed when a man doesn’t step up. That’s a much worse thing to model to children.

Better to model boundaries.

Sorry he forgot OP. I'd be really upset about it too.

Why are men such cunts.

Relish your nursery cards and try to have a good day.

No. They’ll just think that their family doesn’t make a fuss of Father’s Day. Or Mother’s Day.

The alternative is the standard woman doing all the work, then being perennially disappointed when a man doesn’t step up. That’s a much worse thing to model to children.
Better to model boundaries.
Agree.

Better to make a decision as a family how you're going to celebrate or not celebrate and have a clear family culture that everyone follows than have Mum pulling out all the stops for Dad and then Dad does (genuinely) nothing and shows the children that's how women should be treated.

I feel the same. I'm a single parent to a severely disabled young adult who is mentally impaired. It's a hard job and I also work. I'm very upset as my ex (who has thought about me in the past on mother's day) couldn't give me a thought this year. I'm trying up stay off Facebook as it's making me feel bad. Just another say to me.

Why carry on tolerating low level shit behaviour and a man who doesn’t really care to make you happy? Wasting your lives with these losers

I'm really sorry OP that even despite reminders and you setting out your expectations you let DH still couldn't be bothered to make an effort for you. It sucks.

I booked a table for lunch and expressed to my teens (who often decline family outings) that I expected them to show up with a smile and some conversation. DP who is not a morning person managed to get up and go and visit his mum in a care home and be back for our lunch reservation and he organised cards and flowers from our small children and from my teens who are not his.

Lunch cost a small fortune and I feel a bit bad about booking the restaurant I did but my 18 year old tried oysters for the first time and I feel really proud of him 😂😂 (he said never again)

When you put your own needs aside, you give others permission to do that too.

Spell it out to him.

Tell him your expectations. Get upset about it.
It's worth kicking up over.
A card and some chocolate it's not that hard.
As other posters said, you are teaching your kids too.
You can go off and sulk in a corner or you can address it in a very firm but kindly way so he gets the message.

Yet another woman having multiple children with a useless man.

My husband did this once. He never did it again 🤣. I always spoil him and do the leg work woth our child. On the one time he did do this on mothers day. Once he woke up, I got showered, dressed, kissed my little one, walked out the house without saying a word. Drove to my friends and en route grabbed 2 bottles of wine (she was recently single after her husband cheating). He then had to come and get me 🤣

Thanks the warm words and understanding @Dishwashersaurous appreciate it.

No you're not being unreasonable. He is being rubbish. I don't get much for mothers day and don't expect much, but I'd be really upset if he did that.

This isn't just about Mother's Day, is it? I'm thinking you feel taken for granted a lot of the time, and instead of apologising, your husband minimises your feelings by saying it's a 'stupid day' and you're overreacting. I'd love to say men change and give it a go, but they don't, love. I'd really recommend counselling, hang in there and get some help to see if you want to change things X

Would love to know why men are such c&nts. I am raising a baby boy, and sometimes I am at a complete loss on how to avoid raising another useless man. How do I do this?

My husband headed off to spend most of the day with his own mother with my two older kids. My youngest and I took ourselves out for breakfast. Not the first time I’ve been treated like this. Real low level, shitty behaviour and I’m furious over it.

I didn't even get a card from 20yr old son, although he did later text when prompted by DH. DS also dropped a bombshell about his future. Worst mother's day ever for me and feel like utter shite today. Sorry for ranting.

I don't think you asked for much and to be fair, alot of us don't. I agree with Mothers Day being so commercial like the rest of the days and sometimes taken out of perspective but I think you need to sit down and explain the example to your kids, the one day he could show you appreciation in the super busy lives we have and explain your feelings. Also look at how he treats/or did treat his own Mother because I really believe that tells you alot.

I hope you're okay and don't count your worth over it because full time working Mama is something to be proud of.

'Would love to know why men are such c&nts. I am raising a baby boy, and sometimes I am at a complete loss on how to avoid raising another useless man. How do I do this?'

His father needs to model good behaviour or GTFO. Boys start out as sweet and lovely and adoring of their mums and they learn to be awful and quite a lot of that is learned from their fathers.