Page 6 | To ask if you know any "Secret option 3" secrets? how many "rules" in life are you only finding out too late?

coffeeginandkindness · 2023-03-18T20:11:35+00:00

https://youtube.com/watch?v=HO0KklLjwd4&feature=shares Inspired by this scene in friends where Ross and Rachel are talking about the unwritten rules of life I was thinking what other examples there are Some of mine are money based but i was also thinking about the thread a few weeks ago where the OP felt like she was being left behind her peers in many other ways. Even though they had all been on a level playing field at uni, People who manage to buy two properties and let one out instead of buying a bigger house to provide passive income. People who have limited companies as well as their paid jobs and run expenses through this to reduce their outgoings? Are there other secrets? Aibu to ask you share yours?

Catsstillrock · 20/03/2023 11:14

saraclara · 20/03/2023 07:57

Because that worked for you doesn't mean it will for everyone. The 4.5 year gap between me and my brother meant that we never had anything in common and never grew close. There's 21 months between my two and they're very close. I'd also say that the small gap made parenting easier (for me).' I wasn't managing conflicting needs.

A hack needs to work for pretty much everyone.

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Nothing is a given. And gaps between children not always within our control, our large gap is due to difficulty conceiving no 2

but. Worry about the gap getting ‘too big’ made that stressful time worse.

i feel like most of the advice in here is small gaps are ‘better’

and in the real world there’s lots of ‘hurry up and have another one’ said anytime from your baby turning 6 months.

yet lots of people find toddler plus new born very difficult and that can have lasting impacts aside from sibling rivalries.

lors of people complain about the GCSE and A level double year, that the nest is suddenly empty.

Spread them out a bit more!

if you and your brother had nothing in common, why would being closer in age have helped? Maybe it would have been worse!

Sunshineandshowers42 · 20/03/2023 11:28

Testina · 19/03/2023 18:50

That’s not some secret life hack about having a September baby! It’s just being well informed. So I guess “secret hack” is, knowledge is power - be interested in the world around you and actively seek to learn. Read Nature as well as TaB 🤷🏻‍♀️

How does that work in practice though?!

Yes, I was aware that Autumn-born babies have the advantage and can definitely currently see it in practice, but DC1 took 11 months to conceive and DC2 took about 20 minutes?!

If I was to go for DC3 (I wouldn't!!), do I just average that out and allow myself six months?!

As it goes, we have May and March 🤷‍♀️ So I guess I'm just more fertile over the summer 🤣

Sunshineandshowers42 · 20/03/2023 11:31

mackthepony · 19/03/2023 19:25

I conceived so that my bonus month coincided with the mat pay 8 week calculation! Lots of women in banking knew that hack

^

Similar thing, teachers I used to know would aim for an early June return from mat leave i.e before the long summer holidays

But how can you plan that when you don't know how long it will take to conceive?!

First DC took 11 months, second was about 20 minutes; how would I ever have predicted how long either one took?!

BeachBlondey · 20/03/2023 11:33

HelloBunny · 20/03/2023 03:36

I haven’t done life like most of my peers. Didn’t go to uni / didn’t buy a house / don’t have a career / don’t drive / had my child last minute unplanned / didn’t have a wedding / no pension / no plan... Never have planned, just jumped & the net appeared. I’ve been lucky!

But, I have no MH problems, don’t do stress. Been through hard times, but no anxiety. Never been in debt. Don’t suffer envy. Like my home, don’t want a better one. DH is pain in the arse, but I’m not afraid to leave. Child not in crèche.

Was struck recently when a friend, who has done all of the “right” things in life (good job, mortgage, 2.5 children) said that he thinks we (as in society) are doing life “all wrong”. He is part of a rat race, working to pay for it all. Absolutely hates it. I found that interesting..,

I'm not sure I understand this?

I was expecting to read that you went backpacking around the world, and never came back.

But it sounds as though you're married with a child, and a home (rented) and don't have a job or transport. Maybe a SAHM, like a gazillion other women. It doesn't sound out of the ordinary at all?

It does sound precariously dangerous though, in the sense that if your DH ups and leaves, what on earth would you do?

Neodymium · 20/03/2023 11:42

DojaPhat · 19/03/2023 22:47

@Neodymium In hindsight yes but what if his follow up question was what inhaler do they use? What's the strength and how often do they need it? You wouldn't have been poised to answer that had you been privvy to the free jab had that been your intention IYSWIM.

Yes true but this is our family gp - he’s been seeing my kids since they were born and me for about 20 years. He knows very well they don’t have asthma. He was just asking so he wouldn’t have to charge us. I’m certain.

venusandmars · 20/03/2023 12:39

My life hack is listening to radio 4. The things I've learnt from Women's Hour, Money Box Live, In Touch and various other random programmes... I've learnt about pensions, setting up a business and a ltd company, the risks (and benfits) of being an unmarried partner, multiple things about health and wellbeing, accessing benefits, care for elderly parents.

None of these are a secret but my dh wonders how I 'know all this stuff'.

My other life hack is about talking to other people before you make massive decisions. My friend had worked for many years (30) for an organisation where she was fortunate to have a final salary pension (Oh the holy grail of pensions!) She also had a side business that she loved. She decided to focus on her passion for the side business and cut her employed days to 2 days per week, without doing anything to preserve her previous pension rights. I didn't have the heart to ever tell her that she had thrown 60% of her pension down the drain

Testina · 20/03/2023 18:49

@venusandmars “I didn't have the heart to ever tell her that she had thrown 60% of her pension down the drain”

That’s pretty shitty of you!
Are you saying that her FS salary pension was entirely based on her actual salary in her final year? Because that’s not a given - mine takes your best year in your final 3, for example. But in that case - why on earth wouldn’t you tell her to look into it, whilst she had a chance to increase those days back up? That’s awful of you!

daisychain01 · 20/03/2023 19:29

I didn't have the heart to ever tell her that she had thrown 60% of her pension down the drain

so you actually stood by and watched your friend make an appallingly bad decision knowing she'd lose 60%.

i actually don't believe that.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/03/2023 19:55

daisychain01 · 20/03/2023 19:29

I didn't have the heart to ever tell her that she had thrown 60% of her pension down the drain

so you actually stood by and watched your friend make an appallingly bad decision knowing she'd lose 60%.

i actually don't believe that.

You’re assuming she knew before her friend made the decision…

JennyForeigner · 20/03/2023 20:03

Either be a union member or source legal cover with your insurance somewhere. Invaluable when you need it.

Invest time in reading up on employment law. There are great, free sources of information out there including the Acas website and if nothing else it will make you a better colleague and manager.

I had three August children... but have saved a lot on childcare!

JennyForeigner · 20/03/2023 20:18

venusandmars · 20/03/2023 12:39

My life hack is listening to radio 4. The things I've learnt from Women's Hour, Money Box Live, In Touch and various other random programmes... I've learnt about pensions, setting up a business and a ltd company, the risks (and benfits) of being an unmarried partner, multiple things about health and wellbeing, accessing benefits, care for elderly parents.

None of these are a secret but my dh wonders how I 'know all this stuff'.

My other life hack is about talking to other people before you make massive decisions. My friend had worked for many years (30) for an organisation where she was fortunate to have a final salary pension (Oh the holy grail of pensions!) She also had a side business that she loved. She decided to focus on her passion for the side business and cut her employed days to 2 days per week, without doing anything to preserve her previous pension rights. I didn't have the heart to ever tell her that she had thrown 60% of her pension down the drain

Love this. I listened to so much Moneybox over the last couple of years, I ended up on the board of my local CAB.

venusandmars · 20/03/2023 20:52

@Testina @daisychain01
No! the exact opposite. If I'd had any idea of what they were planning to do, I'd have shouted "WOAH"

But after it had all been done I didn't have the heart to tell them that they had cocked up

Testina · 20/03/2023 22:16

venusandmars · 20/03/2023 20:52

@Testina @daisychain01
No! the exact opposite. If I'd had any idea of what they were planning to do, I'd have shouted "WOAH"

But after it had all been done I didn't have the heart to tell them that they had cocked up

I didn’t think you meant that you knew before. I’m talking about now. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t say to her, “hey - you know your drop to 2 day a week - does that not massively screw up your pension final salary calculation?”

Are you sure you know how it’s calculated? Are you in the same scheme?
My scheme moved from FS to CARE and my FS part is locked away based on my salary when it ended (+ capped inflation ish based measure).
For my CARE part, years are added individually so no impact.
When it was still FS, they took best of 3 final years.

If you’re really sure -or even just think -that her entire pension is going to be based on her 2 day a week salary, then it’s really shitty not to tell her your concern whilst she could look at putting her hours back up!

MumToTooManyBoys · 21/03/2023 09:14

KILM · 19/03/2023 22:28

I mean, I think you're just observing that the world is often split into 'planners' and 'jumpers' - jumpers decide they are going to have a baby so do it, then are surprised that maternity pay is shit and their work isn't legally obligated to give them the hours that they want and childcare is expensive and their pension takes a hit. The planners know all this so put off conceiving for a couple of years to save, change jobs into something more flexible, set up a private pension.
It's not a cheat code, these are the people who get accused of 'overthinking' or being 'overly cautious'!

Oh
My I'm such a jumper

Nooyoiknooyoik · 21/03/2023 11:12

daisychain01 · 20/03/2023 19:29

I didn't have the heart to ever tell her that she had thrown 60% of her pension down the drain

so you actually stood by and watched your friend make an appallingly bad decision knowing she'd lose 60%.

i actually don't believe that.

The friend was living her life, doing something she enjoyed and possibly could have ended up making more money from in the end. And if not, she was doing something she enjoyed. The friend, I’m sure, ended up happier than many.