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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect fiancé to buy Mother’s Day card?

54 replies

Worried08 · 18/03/2023 19:48

Been together 10+ years and have a 1 year old DS together. Argued last year due to him not making an effort on the first Mother’s Day with DS (no card, no anything) says he doesn’t believe in the day. Fair enough but I always make the effort for Father’s Day and he knows the day is important to me.

For the record, he does buy his own mother gifts, a card and cooks or pays for a meal on the day. He has just mentioned in passing that he hasn’t got me anything for tomorrow (not even a card). I’ve had a little cry. I know I must sound ridiculous but it’s the card over anything like a fancy gift or breakfast in bed. I do the majority of everything for our DS despite us both working full time. I’m just angry as it feels there is a total lack of appreciation or acknowledgment. AIBU?

OP posts:
smellyflowers · 18/03/2023 19:50

Don't bother with father's day

Albiboba · 18/03/2023 19:50

So you work full time, do all the parenting for your shared child, told him last year you would really appreciate a card and he has told you this year he isn’t doing that as he does believe in it? Catch.

Twospaniels · 18/03/2023 19:51

If he doesn’t beleive in the day then how come he gifts things to his own mother?
Forget father’s day for him (and maybe his birthday and christmas too)

EnjoyingTheSilence · 18/03/2023 19:51

Yep agreed. Don’t bother with Father’s Day. Some people aren’t bothered about MD, but the fact you’ve told him you are and he still hasn’t done anything speaks volumes.

teomama · 18/03/2023 19:52

What a selfish brat - doesn’t believe in MD only when it comes to you obviously.

LittleOwl153 · 18/03/2023 19:53

I think I'd have to respond to him that he'd better get himself to tesco then.

He doesn't appreciate you as the mother of his child. I'd ditch fathers day completely and maybe his birthday too... if he doesn't celebrate others...

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/03/2023 19:54

Albiboba · 18/03/2023 19:50

So you work full time, do all the parenting for your shared child, told him last year you would really appreciate a card and he has told you this year he isn’t doing that as he does believe in it? Catch.

YANBU, he sounds like a dick. For one thing, don’t do anything for Fathers Day. For two, have a discussion about him doing more with your shared child. For three, maybe forget points one and two and jump straight to a serious think about whether this inconsiderate twat is really for you…

Lejuge28 · 18/03/2023 19:54

How can he not believe in the day but buy for his own mother, that doesn't make any logical sense.

smellyflowers · 18/03/2023 19:54

He gets his own mum something?

Don't marry him. Seriously, don't. He doesn't respect you.

Brefugee · 18/03/2023 19:54

You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you keep doing Fathers' Day in the expectation that he will do something for a day he doesn't believe in.

Readjust your expectations of him. When your DC is in school they'll be encouraged to do something. Until then? sorry, you just miss out

TheSnowyOwl · 18/03/2023 19:54

I wouldn’t do Father’s Day for him. Often we project how much something means to us by giving our ideal to another person on their equivalent day and then feel let down when it is not reciprocated without realising some things don’t have the same meaning for them.

PrincessToad · 18/03/2023 19:55

Doesn't bother with you but makes sure Mummy gets a card and gift. Utter tosspot.

RobinRobinMouse · 18/03/2023 19:56

He clearly does not respect you as a person or a mother if he is happy to do it for his mother but not for you. This isn't going to be a great example for your child as they get older and start to realize that it is apparently okay to treat you as lesser.

Precipice · 18/03/2023 19:57

You're not his mother. It makes sense for him to get something for his mother and not for you; I don't see why you're getting him anything for father's day either. Your child is too small to get something for you.

Him not doing much for your DS or appreciating you in general is the problem.

Skyeheather · 18/03/2023 19:59

DP gets a card and gift for me from our young DC because he knows that if he doesn't I will do nothing for him on Father's Day.

Don't do anything for Father's Day this year, don't even mention it and see how he likes it.

Northernsouloldies · 18/03/2023 20:02

So he couldn't buy you a card n box of chocolates whilst he was getting for his mummy, what an unthoughtful prick.

kirsty2023 · 18/03/2023 20:02

Precipice · 18/03/2023 19:57

You're not his mother. It makes sense for him to get something for his mother and not for you; I don't see why you're getting him anything for father's day either. Your child is too small to get something for you.

Him not doing much for your DS or appreciating you in general is the problem.

She is the mother to his child and the least he can do is get a card and a bunch of flowers men are so fucking lazy

DojaPhat · 18/03/2023 20:02

The problem is that you're doing everything for your kid despite both working full time. If all he needed to do to keep you sweet was buy a card at the local petrol station then he's shot himself in the foot as you'd have been happy with the absolute bare minimum. Your problem is not a card, it's the unequal relationship.

JudgeRudy · 18/03/2023 20:03

Given that he's bought his own mother a gift and he knows how important it is to you I'd be a bit hurt too....but I do have reservations sending a card from a baby. If your child was older and needed help to buy or even make a card and a gift fair enough but I think gifts from tiny children who have no understanding of mothers day is daft. Same goes for other occasions.
I'm sure he enjoyed the thoughtful presents you bought him for Father's Day but the reality is he probably doesn't care. Still, a card isn't asking much to keep the peace.

CantFindTheBeat · 18/03/2023 20:04

That's sad.

How is he with marking other milestones for you, like Christmas and birthday, OP?

Ilovetea42 · 18/03/2023 20:04

Twospaniels · 18/03/2023 19:51

If he doesn’t beleive in the day then how come he gifts things to his own mother?
Forget father’s day for him (and maybe his birthday and christmas too)

This^ he's doing it for his own mum because he knows she would raise bloody murder and he been brought up to do this for her. He isn't doing it with you because he thinks he can get away with not bothering so he isn't. I wouldn't bother with his next birthday/ fathers day etc and return the favour. I'd also be inclined to say you're treating yourself to mothers day and are having a few days 'off' and he will be solely in charge of your lo. Then see if he thinks you deserve recognition for the amount you do. I'm sorry op, I'd be really hurt too. It's not like your little one is old enough to plan anything themselves so it is up to him.

kirsty2023 · 18/03/2023 20:04

Worried08 · 18/03/2023 19:48

Been together 10+ years and have a 1 year old DS together. Argued last year due to him not making an effort on the first Mother’s Day with DS (no card, no anything) says he doesn’t believe in the day. Fair enough but I always make the effort for Father’s Day and he knows the day is important to me.

For the record, he does buy his own mother gifts, a card and cooks or pays for a meal on the day. He has just mentioned in passing that he hasn’t got me anything for tomorrow (not even a card). I’ve had a little cry. I know I must sound ridiculous but it’s the card over anything like a fancy gift or breakfast in bed. I do the majority of everything for our DS despite us both working full time. I’m just angry as it feels there is a total lack of appreciation or acknowledgment. AIBU?

Don't get him nothing for Father's Day and go and treat ur self that's what I'm doing as my other half is just the same as urs lazy and always telling me it's just a normal day HAPPY MOTHERS DAY from me to you Flowers

bucketloadofcats · 18/03/2023 20:06

Sounds like his mum also believes in the day, and he's managed to make an exception for her, to avoid hurting her feelings. He hasn't extended the same courtesy to you.

PrincessToad · 18/03/2023 20:06

I would be hurt to if I was in your position. He's out of order, especially because he knows it's important to you.

Don't bother with Father's Day, fuck him. Start treating him like he treats you!

AnotherEmma · 18/03/2023 20:07

Well, as you're not married, it's good that you work full time... I think you should keep it that way, on both counts (ie don't marry him and keep working).

He should do more parenting, but the least he could do is show you some appreciation and buy you a fucking card.

Doesn't believe in Mother's Day my arse.