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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a turning 50 friend audit…

57 replies

The80swerethebest · 18/03/2023 06:29

Bear with me! As I have got older, I have really started to reflect on how I want to spend my time and with who!

There are a few people who have been really unsupportive especially when I lost a parent and actually I have realised that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt because I have been worried about being alone even though they probably take the piss a bit. One has never even asked me how I am after the loss of a parent. Others it’s very one sided.

So I thought I’d actually actively look at my relationships and see who I really want to spend my time with.

Too harsh? Anyone done anything similar?

OP posts:
Rafting2022 · 18/03/2023 06:32

Why would it be too harsh to decide to spend less or no time with people who bring nothing positive to your life? Life’s too short!

PortiasBiscuit · 18/03/2023 06:33

Maybe they’ll be glad that they don’t have to bother with you either?

Original poster
The80swerethebest · 18/03/2023 06:33

@Rafting2022 yes it’s very true. Think I am a bit of a people pleaser but that’s changing as I get older- probably from fear of being alone a bit

OP posts:
Original poster
The80swerethebest · 18/03/2023 06:35

@PortiasBiscuit maybe. But I guess I am saying that I don’t really care anymore as they haven’t been very good friends & make me feel a bit crap

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 18/03/2023 06:37

If it's already one-sided perhaps they have already tried to cool the friendships?

Nothing wrong with deciding who you want and doesn't want to spend your time with, though.

Beanie567 · 18/03/2023 06:40

A lot of people don’t deal with death and grief well, especially when they haven’t any personal experience of it. Just make sure you’re not acting in the light of your feelings about how they have reacted to the death of your parent.

An audit based on their actual friend qualities, how you feel when you meet up, what you do together etc would be better.

Also consider who you will be replacing these friends with. Maybe best to downgrade them rather than bin them off?

FourTeaFallOut · 18/03/2023 06:42

I would sit on this feeling for a while without acting. It sounds as though you are planning to cull a lot of these relationships because you have felt unsupported through grief.

I think huge proportion of people don't have a great social tool bag for talking about loss. It makes them feel inadequate and they retreat to silence. As people get older and sadly more experienced at grief - there is a practiced and reliable script to cling to offer sympathy and support. I guess what I'm saying is that, for the most part, you can consider it a personal inadequacy rather than a personal snub and that those of us who suffer the first big losses in a social cohort get the crappy end of the stick.

butterfliedtwo · 18/03/2023 06:43

*don't want, sorry

Original poster
The80swerethebest · 18/03/2023 06:44

@FourTeaFallOut yes you are right but the person in question also lost a parent a year before so I think I hoped they would understand more than most.

OP posts:
ParkrunPlodder · 18/03/2023 06:54

The80swerethebest · 18/03/2023 06:44

@FourTeaFallOut yes you are right but the person in question also lost a parent a year before so I think I hoped they would understand more than most.

That can depend a little on their individual relationship with their parent and also how well they’ve processed their grief and lots of other factors. And also your individual relationship with your parent and how you processing your grief. It could be a mismatch of styles and preferences rather than a lack of caring. I’ve got good friends who possibly don’t even remember that I’ve lost a parent. Other friends didn’t meet what I wanted from them at the time - but it’s not their job to meet my needs, I’m definitely not an easy person to help when I’m struggling (as I feel unable to just say what would help and just wish people would realise) and they’re great people in my life in other ways - so I accepted that and looked elsewhere for people who were offering what I wanted. It was a natural audit of friends point in my life though - I felt similarly to you about that. People who had never actually added much to my life in a positive way no longer felt worth the effort. I went for a slow fade approach and am still friendly with them when we see each other but I don’t make any concerted effort anymore. Take care. I was shocked at how hard I found it losing my parent.

Original poster
The80swerethebest · 18/03/2023 06:59

@ParkrunPlodder thankyou- that’s a really wise post -l like the idea of a slow fade! It’s probably the approach I should have taken in the past i think

OP posts:
FrozenGhost · 18/03/2023 07:06

I'm not 50 yet but as I've gotten older I think I feel the opposite way. When I was younger I wanted all friends to be good friends or live up to my expectations I suppose. Now though I feel like it's better to accept each friend for what they do offer rather than be annoyed with what they don't. If thats (for example) a low key friendship where conversation is not particularly deep and meaningful but it's enjoyable, that's fine. Is there anything you do get from the friendships with these people?

LlynTegid · 18/03/2023 07:10

I haven't, wouldn't do an 'audit', but think that choosing your friendships to keep is a good thing. You do find out in times of difficulty who your real friends are.

Ducksinthebath · 18/03/2023 07:54

Be careful what you wish for. What if those you don’t audit out decide to do their own audit and you don’t make the cut.

It’s so hard make friends as life goes on, so why cut people out or slow fade then for being less than perfect.

MichelleScarn · 18/03/2023 07:57

PortiasBiscuit · 18/03/2023 06:33

Maybe they’ll be glad that they don’t have to bother with you either?

Quite agree! It's like when people post on social media that they're 'having a clear out of friends, please don't be offended if you don't make the cut' 🤨
Makes me laugh a bit a the arrogance that they think everyone is desperate to be their friend!

Tiredalwaystired · 18/03/2023 08:03

Not harsh at all. Spend time with people who make you happy and have got your back.

The others just sap your energy. I first jettisoned a “good” friend, who was beyond hard work, in my late twenties and have reassessed friendships regularly ever since.

ExpatInSlavikLand · 18/03/2023 08:12

Are you also usually the one to call or message your friends, and to organise meetings/the one to do the running about?

A good test to see how much they really care is to stop being the one to contact them. Wait until they get in contact with you. If, after 6 months to a year (depending on their personal circumstances etc) you haven't heard anything from them, or they've not actually bothered to make an effort to see you, you will know where you truly stand with them.

There's nothing wrong with 'auditing' your friendship circle. I wish I'd started doing so years ago.

PrinceHaz · 18/03/2023 08:18

I agree with others that some people don’t deal with other people’s grief very well. If they’ve been unsupportive generally then yes- life’s too short.
My friend culled me a few months ago. Luckily I was glad as I’d wanted to do it myself but hadn’t wanted the fallout. It’s a relief.

afterdropshock · 18/03/2023 08:20

And what if you need them in the future. If another friend disappoints you. Or if you don't behave in the desired way around them, because you are going through your own struggles. Not every friend has to be perfect, but they are usually worth having.

Fairyliz · 18/03/2023 08:24

I’m sorry you have lost a parent, I do know how it hurts as my mum died a couple of years ago.
But realistically what can these friends do? They can say they are sorry but it won’t actually change anything will it. If there was practical things they could have done to help you did you ask them.

The older I get the more I realise that everyone has problems and lots going on in their lives and we do really have to look after ourselves.
You mention a friend losing a parent earlier, perhaps she found you asking and talking about her parent intrusive as she wanted to quietly grieve? We are all different try and accept people without letting them walk over you.

Original poster
The80swerethebest · 18/03/2023 08:27

@MichelleScarn why is it arrogant though? It’s a shame people aren’t more honest. Most people wouldn’t put up with shitty behaviour in a relationship so why is it acceptable in friendships. I have a lot of lovely friends who I hugely value and I want to put my energy into those and not into people who have no time for me and can’t be bothered to make an effort. I am nearly 50 so time is precious. I would be happy for other people to view me the same if they felt I wasn’t giving them what they need either. This idea that anyone should just stay in relationships that don’t make them happy is nonsense.

Also, Facebook is a fake world of nonsense.

OP posts:
Ducksinthebath · 18/03/2023 08:32

The relationships in your life sound very transactional OP. Less about who makes you happy or you enjoy spending time with, more about who give you what you need.

FourTeaFallOut · 18/03/2023 08:34

The80swerethebest · 18/03/2023 08:27

@MichelleScarn why is it arrogant though? It’s a shame people aren’t more honest. Most people wouldn’t put up with shitty behaviour in a relationship so why is it acceptable in friendships. I have a lot of lovely friends who I hugely value and I want to put my energy into those and not into people who have no time for me and can’t be bothered to make an effort. I am nearly 50 so time is precious. I would be happy for other people to view me the same if they felt I wasn’t giving them what they need either. This idea that anyone should just stay in relationships that don’t make them happy is nonsense.

Also, Facebook is a fake world of nonsense.

Because you usually only have one relationship? If I had five men on the go, I might easily forgive them emotional deficits of one of them if he put the hoover round the house and made a me laugh.

The good thing about friends is that they all don't have to be all the things to you.

twitterexile · 18/03/2023 08:36

I didn't have an audit at 50, I do it pretty much constantly. I let very few people in to my inner friend circle.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 18/03/2023 08:40

I relocated at 50. Very effective friends audit. Got rid of those who were only loyal to how useful I was to them.

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