To have a turning 50 friend audit…

[The80swerethebest]

Bear with me! As I have got older, I have really started to reflect on how I want to spend my time and with who!

There are a few people who have been really unsupportive especially when I lost a parent and actually I have realised that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt because I have been worried about being alone even though they probably take the piss a bit. One has never even asked me how I am after the loss of a parent. Others it’s very one sided.

So I thought I’d actually actively look at my relationships and see who I really want to spend my time with.

Too harsh? Anyone done anything similar?

I'm nearing 50, and I no longer refer to mere acquaintances as 'friends'. I'm now quite clear about who is trustworthy enough to be confided in. I am still pleasant to the acquaintances, but they don't get the real me.

I'm late 40s and have definitely re-evaluated some friendships over recent years. Even giving some people a lot of grace due to life pressures, I can see how far I've fallen on the priority list and am simply matching that back. It's meant I've effectively lost a very long term close friend, but haven't fully burnt that bridge (despite wanting to voice my opinions on how crap and unsupportive she's been when I've needed it, and how one-way the friendship had become) as things might evolve again once her kids have grown up.

Just do what you want to OP.
You don't need anyone's permission, you're nearly 50.
time for a clear out 😉

I had a message from a friend the other day saying her children said they miss me. (They can't even say my name). I'm expecting a request to babysit to be forthcoming soon.

And that's the point. Some people are only friends when they want something from you. You don't have to proclaim anything. Just step back gently.

Does it need to be a formal audit?
Just respond to invites and make effort contacting those you want to. If you enjoy time with someone although they didn't step up when your parent died, if they still contribute to your life on the day you hear from them then go with it. If they don't then say you're busy or don't initiate contact yourself.
As you get older I think its natural to only have energy to put effort in where you feel you want to, you become more discerning, so go with your gut feelings.

I've noticed that since Covid, a lot of people have got into a weird vicious cycle of friendship-restriction:

1. Their friendship circle became reduced, often triggered by Covid initially (differing view over Covid, extreme Covid-avoidance among some people. etc.)
2. Because their number of friends has become so much lower, they now "lean" more heavily on their few remaining friends and expect way too much of them. Their few remaining social contacts now have to provide for all their needs, are expected to provide endless emotional support, always say the "right" thing at difficult moment, remember special dates and birthdays (it doesn't help that if Jane has very few friends now, she may find it hard to remember that other people's social circles are not so restricted. So she is more likely to be devastated by Sarah not remembering her birthday, since she doesn't quite grasp that Sarah has a wide circle of friends and probably won't remember every birthday)
3. Offence-taking and neediness leads to further restriction of the friendship group, as friends who don't meet these standards get culled (or edge away of their own accord, because the neediness/exacting standards are exhausting to deal with)
4. Rinse and repeat.

There was an article I came across recently, talking about how the pandemic damaged the whole category of "casual acquaintance," and how some people have lost the art of simply being friendly with someone without expect them to be best buddies.

I think it’s an interesting question, OP, and I’m in a similar place. I have had the absolute worst year imaginable and have felt very let down by a couple of friends. I don’t want to go scorched earth, but I’m struggling with the hurt and feeling abandoned, which is not like me at all.

I think I will end up with probably a reduced scope of friendship along the lines of not giving more than I get. If I can live with that- I don’t know.

I am sorry for your loss

in terms of people not knowing what to do with other peoples grief, that is understandable. But it’s cowardly to not even try. I’ve found that a large part of major, multiple bereavement and loss (my year has been an absolute soap opera) has been taking care of other people’s reactions to my family’s trauma- how bad what we have suffered makes them feel, and it’s fucking exhausting. Manage your own emotions, don’t make me do it!

on the contrary, support, empathy and grace have come to me from some most unexpected directions and people, and that has been amazing.